Admitting that your therapist means something to you

Have you admitted to your therapist, or even to yourself, that your therapist means something to you? That you would be sad if you never saw the person again?

I tried to quit therapy a few weeks ago and the therapist shocked me by reaching out and saying she'd like to repair the things she did that caused me distress. I was touched because didn't expect her to do that. I went back to therapy and she teared up and said that she was upset about the way the therapy would end (on a bad note with no closure), but also, looking at my life and a thin support network, she was sad that it would end.

(I remind myself as much as possible that she cares about her JOB and that she doesn't care about ME.)

But now it seems like in some small way she cares about both her job and about me. And it sort of melts my heart a little bit.

I was a foster kid and I guess I just accepted that once you're 18, you're on your own. And that's it. And accepting that this T holds any role of any importance in my life feels quite scary. I feel like I've done a good job so far of putting her at an arm's length. But the recent repair brought us closer and I just don't know what to do with that.

What is your experience?

How I wish my T would say that to me. I'm really close to quitting and the story that we share about my distress after sessions is that it is my feelings and it is unrelated to her, but part of me feels that if she spoke to me differently I wouldn't feel so bad after sessions.

It is hard to be cared for if you have been independent and don't expect it, hang in there.

Mine has said she cares about me, and that it has nothing to do with her job.

Me and my therapist are in a constant state of rupture and repair. In fact it's this process that brings us that bit closer to each other each time because it demonstrates care and trust. The ruptures and repairs are the lifeblood of the relationship and although hugely distressing and stressful for both of us it seems like that is what is needed.

I have been able somewhat to let her care in and admit to her she's an important person in my life. But it doesn't need said really. I know she knows it. And it does make me feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable. But developing the relationship is the work for me. That was agreed last week.
I wrote a post last week that my T got angry with me for saying that she gets to forget about me, to put my problems to the side for the weekend. She was angry because for her that's just not true and in fact she'd just told me at the beginning of session that she'd thought about me and worried about me every day since my last session, yet I just can't take in that level of caring.

After a rupture with my T he teared up a bit like you have just described when he thought it would end without closure. I realised then that he did care.
Earlier on in the relationship I told him I missed him between sessions and he seemed a bit uncomfortable but more recently when I knew he had some troubles of his own in his life I told him I cared about him, and he said "thank you for caring" which I thought was nice and a development in our relationship. We both feel more comfortable expressing our human relationship and natural feelings.

Just a few weeks ago I told my T. "but you get to go to your family tonight and we (her clients) have to think about it all week". She said "you think I don't think about it?" I said "maybe here and there". She shook her head and said no. If she would be a little bit more up front about caring, I wouldn't question her so much and make stabs like these. She said in so many words that she doesn't care if I make her mad. I knew what she meant and started to say something and stopped. She asked what (I tend to guard what I say) and I said "that almost sounds like you don't care but I know you do". She said "right!".

yeah, mine said she can't always put it away as easily as I might think, it's not the type of job you can just do that. That she has many sleepless night and think lots about her clients and worries about them.

I think it is very hard to take in any caring because I don't want to know what I'm missing.

I mean, I know that I'm missing out on something that other people take for granted and here I am, paying a lot of money for a taste of it, and it just makes me sad.

Perhaps allowing yourself to be cared about is the first step towards building meaningful relationships outside of therapy in the future. Allowing someone to care about you means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and fear of vulnerability can cause a defensiveness that can become a barrier in forming relationships. (That has certainly been a pattern of behaviour in my life anyway.)

Why can't she care about you Peejay? She's not crying over losing the session fee. Humans care. They can care AND hold the job, the two aren't mutually exclusive. Being known, being vulnerable, authentic: these things often trigger caring. You earned the caring.

Anyhow, as for me, oh yes, I've revealed the depth and breadth and details of my feelings toward my therapist. She knows how I miss her between sessions, she knows I love her, care for her, she knows I depend on her, she knows I'd feel broken and like a failure if I had to terminate, she knows I've been wanting a mother-figure like her in my life for many many years.

She really knows me. I hide nothing, and so I can not hide how it is to have someone from whom I need hide nothing.

My T told me I pay for her time and expertise. Her love is hers to give and she gave that to me for free. I was completely in love with her and she knew it. God, I miss her!

Wow. Yes this is very compelling and makes me think.

I do show up and try to be authentic. I've told her my whole life story, much of which I wrote out in novel form and have read to her aloud.

I think I just needed to tell the whole long sad saga to someone. I really needed someone to listen to me and see the whole story, start to finish. I've had lots of starts and stops and many times in my life, I have started over afresh in a new place with new people.

I told her all the joyful bits and the adventurous bits, too. She loves to read and loves stories and I appreciated that she was interested in mine. I don't think you can fake interest in someone's story. I would see through that.

But I guess it hasn't sunk in to me that someone could hear my story and then have any feelings toward me at the end of it. Like, I told my whole story and now what? It was healing just to tell it and have someone listen.

She used the term "our relationship" and it shocked me that she thought we had one. I know she's more than a receptacle for my story (haha) but it had not occurred to me that she could come to care about me from hearing my story.

I know some of her story too, through online research. She doesn't know that I know it. I wonder if I'll ever tell her. I can't imagine doing so, not for many years. But she is about 40 years older than me, and seems quite wise. I think she already knows I know some things about her. She knows how much I "research" everyone I come in contact with.

I appreciate your comment, Leah, here and on my other thread.

My t and i are part of each others lives forever now, we have talked about it. We know we are important to each other, we have talked about that quite a bit as well.

ive told my T that he means a lot to me and im pretty sure he knew that before i even told him. i also know my T cares a lot about me bc he says he does and his actions prove it to me

But the recent repair brought us closer and I just don't know what to do with that.

I think you sit with it and let the next level of therapy develop.

Sort of, I think in terms of going to see her rather than going to therapy.

But I'm a little mad at her right now. It's transference I think because of a revelation about my mom and I'm feeling it towards T. I'm going to tell her that next time. I think I'll tell her, might not get to it, lots of things have happened since last time that have to come first.

Yes I would agree it is nice to know your therapist does really care about you. I know mine does and it does help talking and being honest,

Yes, I know that she cares--she is determined to care about me, and it is overwhelming, because I don't think that I have ever had anyone love me like that--not even my H. I'm not sure that I've accepted her caring yet, even though I want o.

I think she cares. And it freaks me out. I wish I didn't freak out over it.

I think it´s a nice thing to do, to admit that your T means something special. But I wouldn´t do it myself as I wouldn´t tell my T about such feelings as long as I know she will never feel the same. As I´m in a rupture in my therapy at the moment I´m really glad I didn´t say any "too nice" things to her. During the rupture I also realised how impersonal and cold she can be and that just makes me convinced that you should never think that you´re as important to your T as he or she is to you. It´s perhaps a bit cynical, I wish my T could show more of the caring side of herself.

my T is all business, our relationship is very professional so it's hard to have feelings about her meaning anything to me since she is so distant. I can admit that I want to be close with her and to date her, but as it stands she is just a therapy dispensing robot.

I told my therapist I cared about him after we'd been meeting for a year maybe. That was the tipping point, since then I've revealed more and more, so yeah he knows he means a lot to me.

Good post. Of course people can care about you! I can't imagine spending a childhood in foster care, although I often say I wish my parents gave me up, lol .

I went into my current therapy relationship determined not to care about her because it hurt so much to have to leave my PrevT. But I found out during currentTs first vacation that, Ack!! I did care.

Since then, I have told her that I care about her and found out that she cares about me, too.

Just in the last month I've gone from "I hate that you matter to me" and "I hate that you have any affect on me" to "I hate that I care about you". I guess saying "matter" vs "care" was another way for me to guard myself. She used to respond "well, you could hate me instead but it wouldn't help the therapeutic process" or "don't hate me". I would leave and realize what I was REALLY saying by the first two statements and she read right through them.

The first one I see has voiced frustration over the fact she does not mean something to me (other clients love her more, are kinder to her, respect her profession more, believe she can help them, she is not the enemy etc). The second one has never mentioned it at all.