[rainbow8]

I need to talk about today's session. I just got home and am feeling a little dizzy. I had a lot to tell her. She suggested last time that my H and I should talk to our daughters about their feelings about his illness. I told her about those conversations. There were other experiences I had during the two weeks to talk about. I told her that my H feels fine after chemo, which is good, of course, but the doctor's words depressed me. I don't want to get into it here.

My T wanted me to talk about my feelings, which is hard for me to do. I never talked about my Mom when she was sick, or even that much about my Dad. I shy away from feeling sad. T just finished her course in somatic experiencing and is now a full-fledged practitioner. She came and sat next to me and put her hand on one of my hands, and asked if she could touch my arm. I had my eyes closed so I don't even know where she was touching exactly. She asked how I felt. I was afraid to say at first. She wanted me to focus on the sad feelings. I finally said I felt small, like I was shrinking. I said I felt like crying but I couldn't. I felt like she was protecting me. She said she was supporting me. That's what it felt like like--so good, but made me feel the sadness. She said being supported will make me be able to let it out. She was pushing firmly on my upper arm, I think. I felt like it is a real possibility that I will cry. It's hard to hold it in with her and I know I need to cry--not just about my H, but about everything. It's all linked together.

She let me stay 15 minutes over time. Finally, at the end of the session, I asked if she had to learn how to do the financial stuff when she got divorced. She said, "yes", she did, because as I suspected, her H handled it when they were married. So it was a simple question and she answered it.

I also told her that I was worried about her. She reassured me that she is fine, and actually gained a lot of weight since her divorce, that she was too thin when it was going on and had lost weight. That must be last year, maybe when I made that mean comment to her. I really didn't notice that she is heavier now, but I am glad she told me that!

I feel drained now. The intensity was exhausting for me. T says she may get a table for the office to do SE. I told her I couldn't handle that! Maybe I could though. I had that physical reaction but I think it was because we were talking about sexual issues earlier in the session.

I've been so anxious lately, and getting out of breath easily. T said that was normal for what I'm going through. I felt safe and calm when she was touching me! It was intense, but I felt calm.

This thread may not make much sense; I'm processing it all.

Your post makes a lot of sense.

I said I felt like crying but I couldn't. I felt like she was protecting me. She said she was supporting me. That's what it felt like like--so good, but made me feel the sadness. She said being supported will make me be able to let it out. She was pushing firmly on my upper arm, I think. I felt like it is a real possibility that I will cry. It's hard to hold it in with her and I know I need to cry--not just about my H, but about everything. It's all linked together.

That sounds amazing.

I love hearing about the intensity.

[rainbow8]

I probably don't need this trigger, but the threads about this topic trigger me, so maybe they do others.

Thank you, skies. Yes, it was amazing. She was pushing my arm firmly, and for some reason it affected me. These are specific techniques that she has learned, not spontaneous touching. She keeps reminding me of the purpose of it, which in this case is to bring out the feelings, I suppose. I keep forgetting what she tells me! The pressure made me feel like I wanted to cry so badly. Instead, I have a physical reaction that she can't see.

There have been a couple of threads about physical reactions in the session. I think my session today proves what happens to me is due to the intensity of the feelings. I wasn't thinking about my T or about feeling close to her or anything romantic like that, but that reaction was there. Or it was from the discussion earlier in the session that was embarrassing for me, but was in no way about feelings for her either. It seems like I have to prove to myself that it's not about her. There seems to be shame in a lot of us when something happens that is usually interpreted as sexual in other situations. In therapy, however, I think it's due to the unique intimacy of the situation.

Rainbow,
I love to read your posts and see how your relationship with your t deepens and grows with every session. It seems as though you can be totally honest and transparent with her and tgere are few people in life that you can be yourself with, it feels so good. Maybe this is a feeling you are not used to, to have somebody accept you no matter what your feelings.
P's, I am sorry about your husband

Your post makes sense, and it really makes sense to me how helpful this intesnse experience would be in the long term in letting the emotion out. Your T sounds awesome.

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

I think the session sounds very productive also! Great job!

Peaches

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Rainbow,
I love to read your posts and see how your relationship with your t deepens and grows with every session. It seems as though you can be totally honest and transparent with her and tgere are few people in life that you can be yourself with, it feels so good. Maybe this is a feeling you are not used to, to have somebody accept you no matter what your feelings.
P's, I am sorry about your husband

Thank you, Mona. Yes, it does feel very satisfying to be able to tell my T anything and everything. I am making up for not doing that when I was growing up. My T satisfies some deep needs, probably preverbal.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Your post makes sense, and it really makes sense to me how helpful this intesnse experience would be in the long term in letting the emotion out. Your T sounds awesome.

Yes, I am very grateful for my T!!!!

Originally Posted by peaches100

Rainbow,

I think the session sounds very productive also! Great job!

Peaches

Thanks, Peaches. It was one of my best sessions. I trust her with the SE, and feel her competence in the area of grief. It's her specialty but I wish I didn't need it.

[rainbow8]

I wish I didn't have to wait another week to see my T. I want to experience more of the touching! I'm curious as to whether it's going to get me to cry or not, and what else my T learned about touch in her SE course. I googled Somatic Experiencing but mostly it talks about SE and trauma. My T thinks my first couple of weeks in an incubator was trauma. I did read one SE therapist uses SE for anxiety and many other issues. Our bodies tell us a lot.