[ThisWayOut]

And I haven't slept well. Insomnia kicking in again this past week, though not as bad as it could be. 4 hours is still double what my average is when things get really bad.
I'm anxious about session. I brought up the concept of this negative transference via message, and now I want to run from it (and t). I keep thinking she is mad at me and disapproving. I don't know how to shake the feeling. I'm pretty sure it's all related to the past, but knowing that isn't helping ease it. I just want it to be 10 am already. I want to face this and see if I can figure out if it's as bad as I fear... at the same time, I want to run and hide. I'm desperately seeking this safe place that doesn't end up feeling safe because of the triggers...
I don't know what I need right now. Pocket riders? Someone to tell me I'm a whiney brat and need to shut up? I dunno. Sorry.

[JaneC]

First....you are not a whiny brat and you don't have to shut up.

The anxiety is understandable, you have a lot to discuss, and I completely understand the worrying about what T is thinking.

Give it time, I think this T is fairly new for you right? It took me ages to feel less like you are feeling re trusting T. Still working on it at 19 months! You can do this!

Goodluck for your appointment. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[Asiablue]

It will all be Ok! I'm not going to tell you you're a whiny brat, because that simply isn't the case. Take a deep breath as you walk in to that session and be brave. Thinking of you .

[Freewilled]

It's been over a year and a half for me, and I still struggle with feeling safe with and trusting my T. Transference comes into play still sometimes...or all the time, I dunno. I know it is hard, especially with negative transference, but maybe try to go easier on yourself if you can (?) Self-compassion seems to be key for me when I can practice it.....

Hoping your session went ok and that you find some comfort in the security of your relationship with your therapist. Think about your history with her, and how she's been consistent, loving, and reliable. The only way that i know how to get relief is to work through these feelings with her. You have the courage to do it as you've already brought it up. You can do it.

I suffer from severe insomnia too and know how horrible it can be.

[guilloche]

(((ThisWayOut))) - thinking about you, and hope the T session went well... I hope she was able to reassure you a bit, and that maybe you're back home now getting a good, restful nap!

[ThisWayOut]

thank you all.
it went ok I guess. I was pretty checked-out for most of it, but I had the stuff written down that I had wanted to mention. When I drifted too far off and shut down on her, she read that and just kinda asked questions around it and talked about stuff in it. I don't really remember the whole session (or even most of it, I was in a thick fog), but it left me feeling better, so I am assuming it went well. She put together that the theme of not being heard was pretty prevalent in much of what I wrote. I hadn't recognized that thread till she pointed it out. I'm pretty sure we talked about being heard, and about being overwhelmed, and some other stuff, but it's all a jumble in my head. Next week we will work on going through my art journal, which was something I had really wanted to do for a while. I'm much better communicating like that...
Anyway, this is the first time in weeks that I left feeling like we touched on the stuff I needed to. I'm still in a wicked fog, but it's a positive one. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I also desperately need a nap...