[BlessedRhiannon]

At my last appointment with my T, I brought up the idea of finally telling my parents about seeing a therapist and my mental illness. I'm an adult, I live independently, but my parents do live nearby and I do interact with them on a fairly regular basis. My therapist really likes the idea of me telling them, because she feels like it would be an excellent way to broach a conversation on boundaries with them. My mother is my main issue when it comes to boundaries. She doesn't seem to understand that we are two separate people and always wants to be super involved in my life and wants to talk every day. I find that incredibly stressful, and I'm not nearly as close to my mom as she thinks I am. The relationship is very one sided.

I've been seeing a therapist for a little over 5 years, a psychiatrist for almost two years, and was recently diagnosed Bipolar 2. I've struggled with anxiety all my life, and also have social anxiety. I struggle with other things as well, which are probably more symptoms of either the anxiety or bipolar rather than unique disorders or issues (ex: SI, compulsive behaviors, sui thoughts).

My parents do not know any of this about me. To complicate matters, my brother took his life about 13 years ago. I strongly suspect he was Bipolar 1 and undiagnosed/untreated.

How many of you have talked to your parents or other immediate family members as an adult? How did it go? I really just want some more feedback, because I can't seem to swing the decision one way or the other and I really need to so that I don't keep ruminating on this.

I have told my mother, but she won't acknowledge it; however, she regularly tells me about one of my brothers who takes medication for depression. I don't know why she accepts his MI and not mine, except that he is her boy and anything he does is notable and in need of support/cheerleading. And maybe also because she sees so much of herself in me.

Honestly, though, I don't care. When I need a break, like from family things, I just say no and keep saying it. I weather the guilt tripping and the fallout because it's still better than the stress of being around them.

Please though, do not take my experience as anything that you might run into.

[Abe Froman]

It's weird with my mom. But she's being supportive. Basically I told her I would tell her what I wanted to tell her and that was it. So she's okay with that. Knows I go to a T, knows I'm in a PHP at the moment, was saying if I didn't like that PHP there's another one near by to call and check out.

Bottom line is that even though I told her I was going to a T and that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, I felt like I was lying to her when we spoke on the phone because I'd have to catch myself from talking about meds and stuff. But now that I've opened up more it's a lot better for me. I can speak freely to her and my brothers and since they are all together at the beach right now I told them it's perfectly okay to have discussions about it since everyone knows.

Much better this way. Best of luck to you.

[wotchermuggle]

I told my mom after I'd been in therapy for about two years. I told her that I didn't want to talk about it and would bring it up if I ever did. I later gave her info about my diagnosis and asked her to read it. I asked her a couple times if she'd read it but both times she said no. She is supportive in that I live with her rent free, but I don't think she likes me being in therapy. She's probably got reason not to like it since she's a big part of my problems. Ah, well...at least I can joke about it.

I think you have to give people time to process stuff like this. I mean, I am still not comfortable with my diagnosis so how can I expect someone else to be?

[ks33182]

Crazy, I came on here to post something just like this...for me it's not just about telling my mom, it's about telling anyone. Or even telling my friend that I have a session, even though she knows I see a therapist...if she wants to hang during the time of my appointment, I tell her that I am "busy" with something else. Even though I have confided in her about it in general, I just feel weird talking about it with others who have not been through it.

ks233182: I have taken different friends to pdoc appts with me, once for support and twice to show them what nutcases the pdocs were because these friends did not believe me. It was sort of like a reverse zoo. Very satisfying to have that affirmation from friends who could see for themselves that I was not making this stuff up.

By telling others your dx, you find out pretty quickly who accepts you for who you are. I'd rather know than not know. Although I'm not gabby about it, when I'm not medicated, it's kind of obvious anyway.

[Abe Froman]

Speaking of, my mom suggested I go to the Alanon meetings she used to go to. This is funny, she thinks all of my issues come from my dad being an alcoholic. Couldn't be further from the truth. My mom, apparently as I've learned through therapy, being BPD is what screwed me up so bad.

But my brother and I think it's kind of funny letting her go on thinking it's my deceased father to blame. I mean he was an alcoholic, but I never knew it until I was an adult. He never missed band concerts, scout meetings, or soccer games. He never missed work, he wasn't abusive, he put good food on the table and provided a nice house. What a son of a ***** he was, or so my mom likes to tell people.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I've told three friends so far - two were very accepting and nothing has changed in those relationships. They will ask how I'm adjusting to new medications, or ask if I want to talk about anything, but there's no pressure, no judgement, just genuine caring. They're fine if I don't want to talk about it and fine if I do. The other friend...she kinda thinks she knows everything, and doubted my diagnosis because I don't fit what she thinks a person with bipolar should act like. I hide things incredibly well...even my therapist has commented on it. So, the doubt hurt, and then I felt defensive and like I had to justify myself...not a good situation.

I expect that telling my mother (and possibly my father) will be more like the friend that doubted me than like the friends that just accepted what I was telling them. That doubt will probably also be coupled with guilt trips, drama from my Mom, and then smothering from her and constant attempts at monitoring my life. At the same time, I really hate having to constantly censor myself in conversations with my parents, and I do see how my T could think that opening up the topic could help me set boundaries with them.

It's just such a tough decision for me!!!

Is it possible to test the waters by setting some specific boundaries without telling them everything, and see how that goes? If I had told my mom I wanted a break from having to do a particular family get together because it caused a flare up of my MI, it might have slowed her roll, but it would not have stopped her. What stopped her was my being firm and sticking with it. She still gives it a go every couple of years. But I will not be worn down by it anymore. My mental health comes first, so I just keep that in mind. It has not affected our relationship negatively at all.

This is only if you have not already tried that approach. If you have, nevermind. I wish you well with this. It's not easy.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My family knows about my mental health, but they've known since I was 13. We don't talk about it too much, and they don't really understand. But when I'm in a crisis, they are there to support me (except they do not want me in the hospital...they think if I lived with them I would be fine...)

My fiance knows. He kinda understands. My fiance's grandma does not understand, so she doesn't know much. She live in Northern Italy during WWI...she's been through a lot herself, but still doesn't understand therapy or even any type of medication.

[feralkittymom]

I think you need to be really honest with yourself about what you hope to gain by telling your parents. You can work on enhancing your boundaries without revealing anything to them. I wonder if part of the appeal of telling them hides the hope that doing so will relieve you of the burden of enacting boundaries for yourself. I don't believe in general that telling them necessarily will make it easier to enact boundaries, and it could actually backfire.

I'd also consider their age: if they are in their 50's-60's, there's probably more possibility of forging a different future relationship with them. If they are elderly, you really have to ask yourself what you hope to gain, and at what cost to both of you.

I'd also want a very clear explanation from your T of her thinking on this.

[iheartjacques]

My father knows I see a shrink but I don't talk ab

[iheartjacques]

My father knows I see a shrink but I don't talk about it

I have no intention or reason to tell my mother, my siblings, or my husband that I have psychological issues or that I am in therapy. Life is just so much easier if I don't have to deal with that.

I never told my parents or siblings anything personal when I was growing up, so I have no template for doing a thing like that. But I honestly can't see any advantage to doing it so it doesn't worry me.

[Bells129]

Since I've been unwell only my immediate family have known what's wrong. Nobody else, except very recently when I gradually started telling my closest friend that I have been unwell for the past 5 years and not avoiding her (I'm very surprised she's kept in touch with me on a regular basis after all these years even though she knew nothing about why I wasn't seeing her).

[MoxieDoxie]

There is nothing for me to gain by telling them. Besides I have heard their stance on mental illness from, "for G-D sakes get over it" to "they use it as an excuse to get away with responsibilities". I do not have the patience to even try to educate and convince them. I will stay in the closet and let them continue thinking I am just a cold, moody, ***** and odd. I can't even imagine what they would say if they new I make myself throw up and under stress self harm. I cringe at their reaction. No way. I am all set with telling anyone. My husband does not even know all the details. How pathetic is that?

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

My husband does not even know all the details. How pathetic is that?

Not pathetic at all.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

There is nothing for me to gain by telling them. Besides I have heard their stance on mental illness from, "for G-D sakes get over it" to "they use it as an excuse to get away with responsibilities". I do not have the patience to even try to educate and convince them. I will stay in the closet and let them continue thinking I am just a cold, moody, ***** and odd. I can't even imagine what they would say if they new I make myself throw up and under stress self harm. I cringe at their reaction. No way. I am all set with telling anyone. My husband does not even know all the details. How pathetic is that?

I don't think this is pathetic. My parents, siblings and my husband know very few details regarding my issues, which are the same as yours. I think in general we have to pick and choose what details to share and with whom.

In some cases I've seen an explanation of MI to family members be very helpful- it put the pieces of together for them so to speak and things made sense. For others this might not be the case and may only cause more distress on both ends, so it's important to remember that. I doubt my sharing any details of my SI or eating disordered past with my mom would serve much purpose at this point except to upset her. But she is elderly and I'm in my forties so there isn't ant reason to tell her now. My history goes back to my early teens so my family knows that much, but my brothers consider it drama and my parents just smothered me and tried to find blame. What's going on in my adult life now doesn't directly affect my present relationships with my family so I don't see a reason to share this info. My H wouldn't understand and could be judgmental about it. My pdoc even told me he doesn't need to know.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Thanks everyone. You've all kind of said the same things I've been thinking! My parents are in their mid 60s. They do know that I was seeing a therapist for a bit after my brother died, but they just assume that was for help in dealing with grief. It was, a bit, but mostly, his death was a wake-up call for me that I needed help myself or I'd probably follow him. I just never corrected their assumptions. It's taken me a long time and 3 therapists to get a proper diagnosis.

I just don't know what I want to do. If I decide to tell them, I want it to be on a weekend, where I don't have to deal with any other stresses (like work). However, I'm going to be gone the next 4 weekends after this, so I kind of feel like I need to decide now whether I'm going to tell them or not. I know I could always change my mind later if I decide not to, but for some reason, it just feels like a pressing decision right now. My T is not putting any pressure on me. She's shared her thoughts and is wiling to keep talking with me about it if I want, or drop it if I ask her. She's made it very clear that it's my decision. I just kind of wish it weren't my decision! I kind of wish someone would just tell me what to do. But, I'd resist someone telling me what to do, so that wouldn't really help either!!!!!

[Tangerine87]

My therapist presses me to tell my family. I'm the opposite. I kinda wish he didn't pressure me and left it as my decision.