[HazelGirl]

Trigger warning for brief mentions of physical abuse.

Had an appointment yesterday, and we talked a little bit about some of the things I wrote in my journal. Mostly the easier things to talk about since the more difficult things are REALLY difficult.

I walked in feeling really anxious and numb. I wanted to shut down or not be there, but at the same time, I wanted to burst into tears. Somehow, I didn't do any of those, and we chatted about random things for a while before discussing my journal.

My T said that my journal is very difficult to read because I basically wrote out all the traumatic things that have happened to me, and that she can't read more than a page or two at a time. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I know she's being honest (and I specifically told her to be honest whether it's good or bad), and a part of me feels like she "gets it" about how hard it was, like she understands that things were so incredibly hard to deal with. But another part of me is cringing inside thinking about that. I don't want to hear from someone else that my life and history are that bad. It affected me, but not because it was particularly awful, it affected me because I'm the weak one who couldn't handle it...right? So her reaction is hard for me.

We talked about a few of the things she had read in there, and a little about how intimidated and anxious her anger at my father made me when she expressed it. And we talked about how my mom's lack of action and her refusal to acknowledge that anything was wrong was perplexing. And we talked a little but about how my step sister was taken out of my dad and step-mom's house by CPS because she had been hit by my dad.

She is going on vacation starting today and won't be back until Monday night, so she said she won't have time to read any of it this week.

So that's how that appointment went.

[Ambra]

The difficult part is to realize how bad things actually were and if told by somebody else it really hits. That was my experience too, at least.
I think that's when you start moving from denial.
Does it worry you that she is going on vacation just now, or do you fear she will distance herself because of how bad she thinks your story is? (I really don't think it's the case, just wondering how you are). It's hard though, hang in there.

[lilypup]

Um, this is just me but I think your T was wrong in the way it was handled. T's are TRAINED to deal with dark stuff. I'm sure plenty of people (sadly) with present her with problems similar to yours in her career. She shouldn't make you feel bad about your journal.She should show empathy.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Ambra

The difficult part is to realize how bad things actually were and if told by somebody else it really hits. That was my experience too, at least.
I think that's when you start moving from denial.
Does it worry you that she is going on vacation just now, or do you fear she will distance herself because of how bad she thinks your story is? (I really don't think it's the case, just wondering how you are). It's hard though, hang in there.

No, she goes on vacation a lot. It only throws me off if it interferes with my appointments.

Originally Posted by lilypup

Um, this is just me but I think your T was wrong in the way it was handled. T's are TRAINED to deal with dark stuff. I'm sure plenty of people (sadly) with present her with problems similar to yours in her career. She shouldn't make you feel bad about your journal.She should show empathy.

Oh, she did show a lot of empathy. She is a trauma T and hears a lot of even worse stuff. I'm sure it doesn't get easier for her as time goes on, though.

[StressedMess]

I think an over-reaction would have been blatantly wrong. Sounds like she empathized and helped you discuss the aspects you felt safe discussing.

The thing you said that struck me was, you don't want her sympathy because it makes you feel ashamed that you couldn't handle it.

You are seeking help now to deal with things as you are able! There should be no shame involved. But I feel it very strongly myself, and can't "turn it off" either.

So I'll stand beside you while we both figure it out. Hugs!!

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

I think an over-reaction would have been blatantly wrong. Sounds like she empathized and helped you discuss the aspects you felt safe discussing.

The thing you said that struck me was, you don't want her sympathy because it makes you feel ashamed that you couldn't handle it.

You are seeking help now to deal with things as you are able! There should be no shame involved. But I feel it very strongly myself, and can't "turn it off" either.

So I'll stand beside you while we both figure it out. Hugs!!

Yes, an over-reaction was one of the things I was really afraid of. I told her she had to stop expressing how angry she was at my father because it was triggering to me, so she apologized and stopped. I think that was the only thing she said that I couldn't handle, and that wasn't because it was an over-reaction.

She also promised to keep telling me whenever she read some of it, and what her reaction was, so I came into it prepared and knowing sort of what to expect, which helped.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I agree with Ambra, some of us aren't aware of how bad our upbringing was because we don't know any different. I know for me that I some of the things that happened don't sound that bad in my mind, but when I say it and hear it then I start to realise 'Wow! If someone said this to me, that'd be awful.' idk, maybe you feel that way too?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I agree with Ambra, some of us aren't aware of how bad our upbringing was because we don't know any different. I know for me that I some of the things that happened don't sound that bad in my mind, but when I say it and hear it then I start to realise 'Wow! If someone said this to me, that'd be awful.' idk, maybe you feel that way too?

Yeah, I know that you are right. It's just hard that one of the ways I chose to handle it was to act like it's all my fault and like I am too weak or sensitive to be able to handle it all. So it's hard when someone else has such a strong response to it all.