Is my therapist hitting boundaries?

Hey everyone. I am new here and I looked at this site for advice and you all seem like great people!!

I recently switched therapists which was tough, but we did. I met him in the beginning of the week and I mentioned how I needed hugs. He asked me if he can hug me which I agreed to. He went on the couch and just held me, it felt great. I found him to be a great person. My previous therapist held me (more professionally, like a christian side hold LOL). Anyways, he was almost cuddling me in a way.

I am a girl by the way, and my T is a guy! I had to leave my old T because of financial issues. My old T use to text me at night to make sure I was okay and I told my current T this and he texts me about general conversations like right now we are talking about pop-culture related things.

I went to see another T (to compare and pick) today and I was upset about it so I texted the T that holds me and said it to him, and he said if I wanted I can come to his office and we can chat.

Today, we started the session normal and far apart, I was getting upset and he went over to the couch and sat next to me, held me, and played with my hair, rubbed my back, and all of that. It wasn't normal cuddling it was more like relationship cuddling which was odd. It makes me feel safe though. But I want to know if T's are allowed to do this.

Oh, When I was laying my head on his stomach I stretched my arm out and accidentally placed it on top of his crotch (my eyes were closed I didn't notice until after I opened it) and he was aroused. We hug at the end of our session and he hugs TIGHT which I can feel his crotch area thing (man i'm awkward). Like our 1st session he hugged tight, let go, and asked for another hug.

I don't know how I can react to this because the cuddling and holding is extremely comforting.

Is this normal? Can someone explain?

Does it feel wrong to you? Does it feel confusing to you?

I don't know what to say, therapists try to be comforting and so when someone says they like a hug and they can hug you and so on. I'm a man and sometimes arousal happens, it's not like we intentionally decide to feel aroused. The important thing is that you feel safe and feel your boundaries are respected or not. Like if you don't want a hug and the person hugs you anyways or they touch your breasts or something like that.

Also one thing is perhaps you can see see if there is anything else you see (like if you see a pattern of certain inappropriate behavior or more sexual questions or gestures). The main thing is being clear about what your boundaries are. Like how you like to be hugged, etc. And see if the person respects them.

p.s. I'm also a little confused by your story, not sure how many therapists are you referencing, two or three.

Sounds normal. Like normal MOLESTING!! There should be no touching of crotch area things!!! No heads on stomachs! No back rubbing! Is this for real? You dont seem safe.

NOT NORMAL. NOT OKAY. Huge ethics violations. Sounds like he is touching you for his own sexual pleasure. My T gives comforting hugs, but has made it very clear that the kind of things you are describing are NOT ALLOWED.

You write that it's comforting, but the mere fact your asking opinions tells me that you don't think it's okay.

I am female and I have a female T. We're both straight (well, I know I am and I'm 99% sure she is). We would never touch like that. That would be crossing a boundary even in a female/female relationship.

Now, I understand that some people have a more touchy-feely type relationship than even I do, but most of the time it causes more problems than good.

What feels good doesn't mean it's healthy. Again, by the fact that you're asking, I assume something feels off to you. It really doesn't sound healthy and/or appropriate imho.

No, it doesn't sound good to me. At best he's showing extremely poor judgement and at worst he's being sexually inappropriate. Either way not qualities you want in a therapist.

I agree with the others that his behaviour sounds inappropriate and actually very brazen considering he's a new T. I would advise you to continue looking for a T and perhaps even disclose this T's behaviour when you are established and feel safe with a new T who behaves appropriately.

Um ... no, I don't think touching like that that sounds okay. Sorry, but I think it's a boundary violation. What do you think about it? You say you feel comforted by it, but what do you think? Some of us are more vulnerable than others to people who take advantage. I am a csa survivor, and when I was in detox a few months ago, another (male) client started hugging me and leaning his body against me all the time. I felt he was just being nice and comforting. Also, I'm interested in women not men - so kind of didn't think much of it. But something made me stop and think about it and I realised he was actually stepping over too many personal boundaries without regard to me (something my t has been teaching me). Turns out, he was trying it on - I found this out when I went out of my way to mention that I wasn't interested in men, he stopped hugging me and ended up taking advantage of the only other female at the unit!

Please pay attention to any concerns you have.

I am all for safe hugs, but this doesn't sound safe. You were observant when you said it felt like a "relationship cuddle".

T hugs shouldn't involve playing with or stroking hair, lying across their laps and by no means are erections part of good therapy. If either of my male T's got an erection I think they would be mortified and excuse themselves for a few minutes.

I know that reactions are normal for guys, but it is how they handle it that matters. I even read online that there are grounding exercises for male T's to surpress their own sexual physical reactions.

Your T sounds like a creep, I'm sorry to say.

How do you lay your head on his stomach while you're hugging? Sounds physically possible... Plus the position of your hands...
Anyway, can't think of a context where this Ts behavior would not be way inappropriate. :/

Extremely troubling. Don't go back. This isn't a safe or competent therapist.

You can go on the internet and look up ethical behavior of therapists; they have a code they are supposed to follow. This sounds like inappropriate/unethical behavior...it could be "grooming.: Please protect yourself and get educated as to what therapy is supposed to be and look like.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's weird and scary when you realise that something that feels safe and comforting could actually be a bad thing.
And I would say that not just the cuddling, but also the fact that the therapist asked you to come by for a chat outside of your normal session time (if I understood that correctly), and that you have ongoing txt message conversations about friend-type subjects, are red flags. I'm sorry - I understand that these are very comforting things. But a therapist's job is not to comfort us, and there is a good reason why therapy is not a kind of friendship.

Thanks everyone

I feel like I have to stay because I'm not comfortable with other T's not touching. I don't know Im weird.
I suck at explaining things to sorry about that. My English isn't very good.

Oh, man. This is all kinds of triggering. You asked if he is hitting boundaries? I can't even...

This guy is acting like your bf, not a therapist. Please consider non-touching therapy, and work on ways to develop healthy real life relationships where you can get the touch you need. Or, consider somatic therapy without all the molesty stuff.

Well maybe the not touching thing is something you can work on with another therapist.

I believe it is more acceptable in therapy to not touch than to touch.

Largely because of the session you just described.

I would seriously leave.

Seriously.

I agree with the rest, hugging can be therapeutic once a relationship has been established. If you need touch all the time in session IMO I think that's an issue you should work on .unfortunately there are t out there who will take advantage of a clients vulnerability.

What you described here seemed unethical and I'm looking at it, not even putting my self personally in it. The hair thing the back rubbing , his erection, ect.,, which by the way none of this is your fault .

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Not much else to say that hasn't already been said...just because something feels good in a way doesn't mean it's good for you. Run.

I'm horrible at explaining things. I am going to make another post describing the things better now that I am on my computer <3

I know this is a very serious topic, but this is the best line ever and did make me grin

OP, I echo what many have already said - this sounds vastly inappropriate. It sounds more like he's getting not-so-subtle kicks out of your proximity, and not that he is earnestly considering what might help you.

For me, yes indeed this would be a boundary trompling situation. But I would feel that way just by a therapist touching me on my arm. If it bothers you, I think that is boundary violation.

I posted another thread just now going more in detail

Your other thread makes me even more alarmed.

Probably a boundary violation, it is a big no-non for Therapists and Clients to have any type of intimate relationship.