***BRIEF TRIGGER WARNING***

A lot of people on here are talking about loving their T. I dont love my T, neither do I love my parents, friends, family, or myself for that matter. I see love around me all the time but I don't know what it is.
I sure miss my T and pine for her, but it feels like i gave up on the love thing a long time ago. I just accepted love was not for me. It was like punishing myself.

I have a sexual abuse/rape history from the age of 3 till 11. I'm worried that really messed my brain up and i truly am incapable of love.

[HazelGirl]

There are different kinds of "love". I won't list them all, but I know some basic definitions can help while you're exploring this topic. Love also feels differently for each person, so I will only be describing my experiences.

Infatuation is the feeling of butterflies in your stomach, sort of an anxiety mixed with anticipation. I would argue that's not true love because it's temporary, transient, and isn't a firm foundation on which to build a relationship.

Love between family/friends we are close to is this feeling of deep caring and compassion towards them. It's a commitment and an inner peace towards them and the relationship. It's what causes us to want to fix the relationship when it's broken and give up our comforts for the well-being of them. It's self-sacrificing and loyal.

Romantic love is the love you might feel for a spouse (disclaimer: I have never experienced this love, so I am guessing, haha). It's a passionate love that is like an extension and multiplication of the love for your family and friends. It often includes sexual attraction, protectiveness/healthy jealousy, and a willingness to compromise for the good of each other.

Love for children (I have also never experienced this as a parent, but have as a child) is a protective love that is the ultimate sacrificial love. It is a willingness to put up with the things a child does and still love them deeply and passionately. It is completely committed and willing to give up all our comforts and even our lives for the life of our child. It is even more intense than romantic love, but doesn't include the jealousy or sexual attraction. It replaces "compromise" with "selfless self-sacrifice".

I hope that sort of makes sense.

Now that I have mentioned a few types of love, you might be surprised to realize you do actually experience them. Maybe not to the intensity you should (dissociation from trauma can cause us to cut off parts of our emotional experience, and that could include love), but love is fundamentally a choice to put another person first. It can seem or feel involuntary, but it really is a deep appreciation for the person you know and a willingness to self-sacrifice for their good.

[HazelGirl]

Oh, and dissociation can be "thawed out" by things like trauma therapy, if you're willing to go.

Love is as simple as taking our ego out of the relationship and listening honestly.

[Creamsickle]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

There are different kinds of "love".
It's what causes us to want to fix the relationship when it's broken and give up our comforts for the well-being of them. It's self-sacrificing and loyal.

Thank you for this -all of it but especially that above

Dear 8888 you have been hurt so much it's true but I don't believe for a minute that what was done to you makes you incapable of loving someone. You are not damaged. You are whole and beautiful and worth being loved. Some of us have endured experiences beyond our control and it affects us deeply. However, I believe you still have the capacity to love if given the right circumstances, environment and exposure to loving people. It's helpful to talk with an understanding therapist and I recommend it. There is more to life than you can see now.

[IrisBloom]

If you are concerned about another's well-being, that's love. If you do kindnesses for others, that's love. Giving to others because you want to is love. Taking care of yourself is love. Caring, listening, sympathizing, doing what you can do to relieve other's pain is love.

[purplemystery]

I have never been in group therapy myself, but I have read that some people feel incapable of love and are helped by group therapy because they discover that they can be a help to others, and can care about others when they experience and hear all of the personal disclosures they and others in the group make. I thought I would suggest that you consider joining some sort of support group or group therapy.

The capacity is still there, it may just be buried under defenses. It's understandable from what you've gone through. A therapist should be able to help you find your way.

[Favorite Jeans]

What's the difference really between missing someone and pining for them versus actually loving them? When someone's presence makes that much of a positive difference and I'm terribly sorry when they're not around and I feel care and concern toward them... well, to me that's kind of what love feels like.

HazelGirl that's really helpful, i do tend to think in a black and white way... I do have a dissociation thing.

skies_, i do believe it's buried under defenses. I hope my t can help me.

purplemystery, i wouldnt know where to begin with group therapy! But i may have a look around. I could do with more support.

Originally Posted by Creamsickle

Thank you for this -all of it but especially that above

Dear 8888 you have been hurt so much it's true but I don't believe for a minute that what was done to you makes you incapable of loving someone. You are not damaged. You are whole and beautiful and worth being loved. Some of us have endured experiences beyond our control and it affects us deeply. However, I believe you still have the capacity to love if given the right circumstances, environment and exposure to loving people. It's helpful to talk with an understanding therapist and I recommend it. There is more to life than you can see now.

Thanks so much. I never feel whole but i don't want to categorise myself as damaged or too far gone. I so want to be able to feel love. But the defense part of me i set up as a child blocks it out to keep me safe.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

What's the difference really between missing someone and pining for them versus actually loving them? When someone's presence makes that much of a positive difference and I'm terribly sorry when they're not around and I feel care and concern toward them... well, to me that's kind of what love feels like.

That does make sense.

I don't understand what it means when someone loves their therapist.
Could someone describe it to me?

[Victoria'smom]

To me love is when you want to go out of your way to make their life better, you're upset when they're hurt and the stronger young feel this way the more intense you love the person.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

That does make sense.

I don't understand what it means when someone loves their therapist.
Could someone describe it to me?

People who "love" their therapist could be experiencing one of the descriptions of love I wrote above. They could be infatuated with their T, or could feel close friend type of love, or romantic love. It depends on the person, but the love itself isn't unique to the T relationship. It might be stronger because of the amount of focus the T gives to the client, but it's not different than other love.