[DelusionsDaily]

So, I disappointed T last night when I texted her asking if it was ok if I took a few muscle relaxers to knock myself out hard and fast so I wouldn't feel anything for a while. This was her response this morning when she got it:

I think you should remind yourself how important you are. I can definitely observe grief and loss is difficult for you, however you have to recognize your own importance separate from others. You have come to far, don't allow yourself to take that regression.

And this is the email I sent her in response:
Hey T,

You gave me lots to think about in your text. I don't know that I don't value myself.

However, I think the intensity of the emotions between our session Friday and finding out afterwards that our neighbor passed away were such that I didn't want to feel for a bit. Hence the desire for extra muscle relaxers to knock me out a little harder and possibly faster. I know it doesn't make wanting it any better.

I guess, I haven't mastered using DBT when overwhelmed, since the pills were still reflexive last night. At least when I texted it I realized it was a bad idea and only took one. Though I probably shouldn't have taken any for that purpose but at least it was one and not many...that's progress. Before I would have taken them without talking or thinking about it more fully.

I'm confident I will get to a place where pills aren't the first thing on my mind when overwhelmed but for now I will be content with progress and HUGE progress at that.

We'll see how the rest of this module and the next go. However, given my reflexive response...I may consider an extra round of all the modules.

Thanks,
DelusionsDaily

Do you think me reflexively resorting to pills when overwhelmed is a sign I don't value myself?

[Leah123]

I think it's up to you to see if that rings true or not. I certainly don't think it's the only possibility. I'd imagine you more likely just wanted some comfort and didn't know how else to get it than by blocking the pain, you didn't know how to soothe it instead, how to process the discomfort, so you made it disappear

[SnakeCharmer]

I think you should remind yourself how important you are. I can definitely observe grief and loss is difficult for you, however you have to recognize your own importance separate from others. You have come to far, don't allow yourself to take that regression.

Your T did not say that your reflexive desire to drown your feelings in pills meant you didn't value yourself.

She gave you a comforting, yet neutral, answer that neither gave you permission to whack yourself out with pills nor ordered you not to do it. Instead she asked you to consider some things and to make a good decision based on those things...

Remind yourself that you're important. You have trouble with loss and grief. Recognize that you have importance separate from other people. You've made a lot of progress. It would be a mistake to allow yourself to regress back to previous behaviors.

She never said she thought you didn't value yourself. She asked you to remind ... recognize ... don't regress away from your progress.

In my opinion, that was a very nice text, a communication between equals. She asked you to consider some things, but in the end she left the decision to you. You had already made the decision. You regressed a teeny bit, but not all the way back. Your response to her sounded honest and straight forward. Good job!

[unaluna]

I think its great that you just took one. Maybe thats weird. I have a friend - we are not that close anymore - but we were close when i first started on meds, and she was always, whats the difference between her drinking and my meds? And i was like, idk, copay? It just felt so good to finally be able to fall asleep without being awake for hours every night. I think you did good.

It sounds to me like you just needed a break and to escape for a bit. Nothing wrong with that.

[DelusionsDaily]

Maybe I read too much into her text. I think I just felt lots of guilt or shame or whatever on my own for going there. I haven't had any urges like that since November 2013. I guess I just hoped it would stay that way...No urges that is. Anyway, still using a muscle relaxer or two to fall asleep at night but now it's because my muscle are truly super tight from the stress of the topic of grief and loss.

[Wren_]

Do you think me reflexively resorting to pills when overwhelmed is a sign I don't value myself?

might be good to check with your T if this was what she meant ... I thought the value part was connected more to your thoughts/feelings related to grief than the pill taking

[CantExplain]

It is my experience that Ts' emails and letters are always a disappointment.

Eventually I stopped emailing.