My T is Wrong

Are you both not making blanket statements based on assumptions?

To an extent, I guess.
The difference is that I have some facts to go off of, and she has nothing. I can point to the way people have been treating me. What can she point to? She has nothing except possibly that she thinks I'm okay. Well, that doesn't prove anything about how anyone else thinks.

HG, I was just thinking, as an introvert, I wonder if you're trying to overdo it? Keep up with too many friends? Would it be possible for you to choose a couple of special friends to give your attention to and kinda let the others take care of themselves? I know if you try to give too much to everybody you're going to end up with nothing for anybody, including yourself.

I end up feeling like I'm burdening just a few people too much when I do that. Like they have to tolerate me anyway, and I don't want to force just a few people to do most of that work. So I try to spread it out so a few people don't end up feeling suffocated by me.

Sorry HG, but I have to call effed up reasoning on this one. Being your friend is not work, it's a pleasure (even if I'm only an anonymous internet friend)

That isn't what I feel from my friends in real life. Every time I have tried to rely on anyone for any length of time, they have abandoned me, most of them very abruptly. Every. Time. At some point, I quit trying to allow myself to get too close to any one person.

Hazel,

Some of your struggles are why I feel so alone off and on throughout my life. And it is because, even my closest best deepest friends have strong families to fall back on and I do not. My friends ARE my family and so my need for them is greater than their need for me.

And sometimes they realize that but sometimes they don't. And I don't want to be a burden on them anyway. But I think that the times when I most felt my friends couldn't be *there* for me were the times when times were hard on all of us, and we were all struggling to make it, and they had families to turn to, and did.

I don't know your situation or if your friends are feeling the same way. Maybe your friends abandoned you because they are flaky or they don't know how much it means to you?

Is it possible that they're picking up on your discomfort with dependence and it's making them uncomfortable?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't know why they abandon me. The ones who have left are no longer in my life. They have totally abandoned me, despite knowing how much they mean to me. None of that matters anyway.

I feel really, really down today. I have been wondering about what I might say if I were to write out a suicide note. I just don't know how I would explain what was going on without sounding like I blamed others. I don't. I blame myself and my own problems. I don't want others to feel bad or guilty.

Are you saying that in order for people to care about you, you have to be able to "rely" on them for some period of time?

I think that is a distorted perception of caring. People have their own lives to take care of and having a functional adult rely on you is really not part of what most people want as a social contract. I expect to be able to rely on my spouse, but outside of that committed relationship, I rely on myself (and I do now completely, since I've been widowed).

It may be worth thinking about how you define caring. As several people have pointed out, people responding to you on this thread with feedback and empathy and concern is one form of caring. Rather than dismiss your T as "wrong", perhaps you might consider that you construct caring in such a way that no one can reasonably live up to it.

If you succeed in suicide, others are going to feel bad or guilty. They will wonder what they could have done differently, what warning signs they missed, why you didn't reach out.

I've lost close friends and family members to suicide. Please rethink this. Is there anyone you can call to help you? Do you need to go to ER?

No, but all relationships have a sense of interdependency. That's a part of them. I don't expect that I always have to rely on those in my life all the time, but I do expect that might at times happen for short periods of time. I more meant a sense of having company and having others in my life. Rely wasn't the best word for it, but like having people to say hi to, to talk about life with, to have a conversation with. Normal stuff.

I won't go to the hospital. That's not going to happen ever. I have a lot of things I would need to do before I did anything to myself, too. I want to clean my house and get a few other things done. I wouldn't do anything imminently.

You recognize that is not only a threat but also ideation and planning?

You need help right now. Is there someone you can call?

I'm not going to hurt myself tonight. I promise. I have a three step protocol for me to handle suicidal thinking.

1. Wait 24 hours
2. Write out all the reasons I want to die
3. Call someone and read them the note

I've been dealing with this my whole life. I feel horrible and have for several days. I realize this could be considered "planning". I am aware of all of that. I'm not going to die today.

Ok HG I'll take your word for it.

Have you thought more about what triggered this? Seeing your FB friends out doing something together? Is there an anniversary coming up, a special event, anything else that might be contributing? Have you started or stopped any meds lately?

I feel for you HG. I have been abandoned by pretty much everyone in my life.

One of the worst times for me was HS. My best friend asked one of our other friends to the prom; not me. I asked him why not me. He said because I was too depressed and would ruin the night.

There are people who care about me...even if they can't be in my life.

And there are people who care about you even if they can't be in your life. You mentioned you have dealt with suicidal ideation for most your life. Think back to one of the more severe times. Then think of all the good has happened since. All those things you would have missed out on... Don't deny yourself your future.

Yes, I know exactly what has caused all of this. I could give you a list.

- Something I did caused some negative repercussions. I am fairly certain some people strongly dislike me or hate me for it. And I have failed at something I care a lot about, possibly forever.
- Partly because of that, I am sure some people I have been working with are happy that they don't have to deal with me now. I am finally out of their way and they seem to be having a good time without me.
- My best friend moved three hours away and didn't tell me until a week after she moved.
- I have a school assignment I need to do, and despite asking more than 25 people to help out, I have had almost no response. And it wouldn't have been that hard for them to help.
- I have had a lot of other things going on, and when I asked a few different people if I could talk about it, I was blown off and ignored.
- My birthday is coming up and even though I invited over 40 people, I have not received a single "yes" response.

Every single time I have tried to interact with anyone in the past two and a half months, I have been ignored, rejected, and discarded. What else can I do? I have no one else to turn to, and nowhere else to go. I know everyone hates me or at least is sick and tired of dealing with me.

There hasn't been a whole lot of good since then. There has been some okay things, but I wouldn't feel like I was missing a lot if things ended now.

Can anyone here help you out with your school assignment?

And people here on PC aren't tired of you. I know I'm not.

No, the type of things I need can't be offered online. They have to be done in person.

The people here don't really know me. You know a part of me, but barely. You can't say much about me at all. You haven't met me. You don't know how shy and boring I am. You don't know how stupid and awkward I am around people, and how much of a fool I make of myself every day. I am not someone you would be very interested in getting to know. I have tried with so many people in my real world. And I have absolutely nothing to show for it, after 23 years. I'm still hated and rejected by everyone.

I cannot convince you life is good anymore than I can convince you that the sky is actually green, but here is what I can say.

Not everyone hates you, your T doesn;t hate ou and that is one person, it's a start and it's something. I am also a shy, boring awkward person who continually says dumb things every day so I hear you. I also have some years on you and what I can say is don't give up on knowing things will never get better because frankly you don't *know* you only assume. I am hoping life will bring you many wonderful things and I know that if this writing you do online is only a small part of you then the whole of you must be amazing.

My T told me these mantras will help. They don't always but it's something to try and keep in your head and heart:

May I be safe from
Inner and outer harm

May I be happy and peaceful

May I be strong and healthy

May I take care of myself with joy

You're right. We barely know you. And you barely know any of us. But does that mean we can't care about you? Don't reject our care for you. You need it, and you do want it (because you posted here). Don't push us away.

I can't say whether we would be friends irl. Who knows...you might reject me! I'm extremely shy too. I'm definitely awkward around people. I'm also boring. The most interesting thing going on in my life is therapy. I could go on, but that's not my point. My point is: you're not alone.

But I do KNOW some things. I know you deserve friends and people who care for you. I know you're not stupid. I even know that you're a good person.

I don't know why my T doesn't hate me. I am convinced she will one day, or that she doesn't only because she is being paid.

I don't "deserve" anything. It would be selfish and presumptuous to claim I deserve good friends. Why would I? I haven't done anything to earn it. Therefore, I don't deserve it. The people I am around are really good people. So if even they reject me, I can be sure that I am one God-awful person. They're kind and have put up with me for years. I can't blame them for getting to the point that they can't tolerate me anymore. I can't tolerate myself either. Yes, I am pushing you all away. I know. It's because I don't feel like you really understand how messed up I am. You don't have to care, and I don't really want you to. Not because there's anything wrong with you (because there isn't), but because I am poison. And I know it.

Your list was so painful to read; how much more painful, soul crushing it must be to have been living with that list.

With that list as background, one can certainly understand how searing your T's comments must have felt.

(((((HazelGirl)))))

HazelGirl, in this setting, on PC, I do not find you shy, boring, stupid, awkward, nor do you make a fool of yourself. From what I read here, and on your blog, I would be interested in getting to know you better. So what I see is that events in your past have made it hard for your true self to blossom with the people you know in person, but here on PC, where you are able to express yourself more truly, we do see glimpses, partial views of that true self. I know that many here would agree with me in saying that I would like to see more.

Ouch. And I thought I was good at the self-hate, but you are reveling in it.

All I can think is that I've been reading the news tonight and there are worse people in the world than whomever you are, unless you're out there beheading children and innocents. And maybe you are, in which case, seriously, you are poison.

But assuming you aren't injuring others or stealing from them, you're probably not all that bad and your thinking about your worth as a human being is distorted.

I'm not telling you that because I care deeply about you -- how can I? I don't know you. (Though, your responses on these boards have helped me and I appreciate them and assume your desire to help me -- a stranger -- came out of some place of goodness within you.)

I hope you get some rest and eat some nuts (as Hankster recommended) and somehow isolate and shut up that self-hate voice. Or figure out what that self-hating voice within you is trying to accomplish by beating you up so badly.

Finally, it sucks that nobody responded to your party invitation. Maybe you're angry at them and turning it inward. Your friends might suck, Hazel.

Edited to add: My therapist has me seeing a naturopath and the naturopath says that protein (hence the nuts) helps with depressive thoughts. It has worked for me.