My T is Wrong

A story...

Twenty Dollars
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked. “Who would like this $20 bill?”

Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you – but first, let me do this.”

He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked. “Who still wants it?” Still the hands were up in the air.

“Well,” he replied, “what if I do this?” He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?”

Still the hands went into the air.

“My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.”

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by …WHO WE ARE.

You are special – don’t ever forget it.”

Ok, sorry to hijack this because it's Hazel's thread and problem, but I don't want to put words in her mouth.

So I'll just talk about me:

What if your problem is you don't feel that anyone loves you?

For long periods in my life, particularly my teens and 20s, nobody saw me as priceless. I'm sure of that. I was not wanted, as foster kids often are.

Maybe that's why I turn to a higher power, but even that, at times, fails me.

I didn't write the story. And the story is about the fact you are still valuable no matter what has happened to you.

Feeling unloved? Sometimes, we don't have loved ones. At my lowest point, I was 18 without a single family or friend, with one change of clothes, living in a homeless shelter. I wanted to die, but I couldn't even afford a razor. But I still found love...or I should say love found me.

Life is not easy. It never will be. But if we can survive the difficult times, we will always discover something of value. People come and people go. Everyone of us has left someone. It's not always something we want to do.

I have no answers. All I have is my experiences, knowledge, and wisdom that has been passed down to me. I have no magic wand. But I do have a heart and I do care. We've all hit or been near bottom before. My only hope is to help someone see, even if for a brief moment, that there is still beauty in life and within themselves...no matter how others treat them.

You only see the things I choose to post. You don't see 90% of what happens in my head. You don't see the fact that I say "tell your T" because maybe your story will give me the courage to tell my T. And so it is always selfish. I help because it makes me feel good to help, I don't do it selflessly. I have a million things stacked against me. I am so overwhelmed by everything right now. I am here not because I have things to give, or to contribute, but because I don't have anywhere else to go. It is always selfish.

I am not angry at them. I'm angry at myself for even thinking that maybe someone would show up. I had a few people tell me they were going to be on vacation, which is fair enough. And I had 5 others say maybe they might show up (which is really just code for one of two things: "no, but I don't have a good excuse and don't want to seem mean, so I won't say that" or "I might possibly show up if nothing else comes up and I am really bored that day").

I have heard this story before. And that's nice if you're a $20 bill. No one would be leaping out of their seat for a tarnished penny, or for a fake coin.

I feel the same way. No one would see me as valuable.

How can you find love when you have no one? That doesn't make sense.

You found your T right? You found your friends. People will come into your life again. But you have to be open to letting them in...even a little bit open.

And about a penny...some people do jump for joy at finding a penny...my grandma-in-law does...seriously. She'll cross a busy road for a single tarnished penny (she lived in Italy during WII, she went from upper class down to so poor they had no shoes and often w/o food). And I have collected many coins myself. I have also collected other things. And some of my most valuable possessions: paper and ashes.

HazelGirl, I don't care if you are selfish when you come here, or if you have many negative thoughts; I just say that what you post here reveals a person who is of interest and value to me, and to many others here as well.

Forgive me that I haven't read your whole story, but I for one care about you. If I didn't, I would have ignored this post, not typed back on this two inch phone keyboard, and would have gone to bed. But I didn't do those things... Because I care about you... Even if I only know 0.0000001% of you... I care about you.

HG, you can push all you like, but I've got 13 years experience on you and I'm not going anywhere. I'm dead serious when I say I would come to your birthday. You sound a lot like me at 23, right down to shy and awkward and feeling like everyone hated me. I dealt with it by shutting myself away and making being a mom and a wife the centre of my life (I got pregnant right before my 24th birthday and married 5 months later). I had no friends at all back then, not even anyone I could invite to a party, only an emotionally abusive boyfriend. I wish I had faced myself back then and I would have the life I want now. I'm only here because my house of cards fell apart, and I had to keep going for my kids. You are braver than I am.
And, you know what, it's okay to feel good for helping others out. You're supposed to feel good about it. It's part of being human and the inborn drive to make connections.



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A penny is practically worthless. You can't do anything with a penny. Even if some random person thought it wasn't, it doesn't change that objectively, it is.

Obviously, your grandmother's fascination with pennies doesn't mean anything, but if we can use it as an analogy, anyone who would be so excited for "penny" friends probably has a lot of their own problems. Someone who is willing to put up with a worthless friend is probably codependent or something.

Well, I only post some things here because I don't want the people here to hate me, too. I already feel like some of the people here do, so I am trying to make sure that I don't cause everyone to hate me.

There's another online group I've been a part of for over a year, and I think they've finally gotten to the point that they hate me, too. Yay me. I can't keep any friends. The second I start being honest and really "myself" they reject me. I haven't been around there in over a week and not a single person has noticed I've been missing. They are probably happy I'm not there.

It's the rest you wouldn't like. I guarantee it.

I don't have a boyfriend or children. I don't have anyone, just myself.

I'm sorry that strong feelings of all consuming self-hatred has decided to take a prominent place inside of you right now. I truly do understand how that can happen and sometimes, nothing anyone says can change that mind set. In fact, sometimes, for me, if anyone tried to gently or directly challenge me regarding my self-hatred, I'd fight back even harder. Sometimes we just have to roll in it for a while until we come out the other side. I hope it lessens a bit for you over the coming weeks.

Am I right in remembering that your therapist is away right now? If that's the case, is it possible that some of these overwhelming self-hate feelings are coming from that situation. If I'm not remembering correctly, I apologize.

One other thought, I've been reading and posting on these boards for a good number of years. I've seen people come and go . . . and some return. It isn't often that members post asking about someone's absence. Sometimes it happens, but it's not frequent. People have lives and don't always keep up with who is or isn't posting. It isn't about them being forgotten or being unimportant. It's just the way life is. I think when people mention someone being absent for a while it is because they message each other off the board and have developed a stronger bond. I hope when things settle a bit more for you, you'll be able to recognize that you are a valuable member of the on line community and whether or not someone mentions that you've been gone for a bit isn't what makes you valued more.

Yes, my T was on vacation this past week. She got back yesterday. But I have been thinking about it and I don't think that's the cause. In fact, I kept forgetting she was gone. I don't feel abandoned by her or anything like that. Although there might be subconscious reactions I'm not aware of. I think I have plenty of reasons to be upset right now whether she is here or not.

And although this community may act in that way, the other community I am a part of doesn't. They know I haven't been around, and they simply don't care.

My first T told me (and he was referring to me so this isnt meant to be a general statement) that since I have a hard time having/maintaining close relationships (meaning I want them but then back off because it is frightening or feels too much) that I actually attract people who do not want to give emotionally to others...someone who doesnt expect or tolerate closeness....and then I wonder where are my friends when I need them...

So its the I can give emotionally to others but have a harder time receiving from healthy people who can give so those people dont stick around cause they dont need a fixer...so I am left with people who are takers...so in order for me to have balanced relationships with emtionally healthy people i have to get healthier.

Maybe you can relate to some of that?

I can relate to that. When you werent taken care of, and or made to feel a burden, negotiating friendships is incredibly fraught. Everything feels like too much, giving or taking. Or it feels like not enough. At the same time.

You seem to be pretty entrenched in your position that relationships "are" a certain way and no other, that your "normal" is some sort of universal "normal."

I don't believe that interdependency is a part of all relationships, not unless both people want them to be. My relationships with people in my life are all different and "normal" is different with each of them.

I think that the way you are construing what relationships are, the interpretations you are making about the people in your life, these things are causing you pain and they are worth exploring in therapy. The problem with having expectations and specific interpretations is that the other person doesn't necessarily share them or even know them. In that case, it's easy for people to let you down, which seems to be at least a part of what you're feeling. You cannot possibly understand what another person feels, whether they care about you or not, unless they say to you, hey I don't care about you. You can feel uncared for but that is your feeling to own, and your issue to consider whether not feeling cared for might be more about you than the other person.

I think you might also benefit from looking at your own ways of being in relationships and thinking about how changes might be able to get you closer to the relationships that you want. You can't change anyone else's behavior, and in fact, asking people to change for you may doom many of your relationships. But you can change yourself, your expectations, and how you communicate and ask for what you want. Pointing fingers at everyone else doesn't really move you closer to having the life that you want.

I agree with anne. My first impulse at the beginning of this thread was to offer you chocolate - thats how i was treated when i was young and sad. You brought out an almost primal impulse in me. That could be a good thing. Idk - i suck at relationships.

(((HazelGirl)))
Overall, you seem to be coming from a very young place in this thread. And it's a good thing, if a painful thing. It's like letting the poison out so the wound can heal. Now, I know you're a very strong, capable woman - I see it in how well able you are to 'speak' on here, and how often you reach out, both to help others and yourself. I mentioned in another thread a little while ago that I wanted to be you when I grow up (I was joking, but serious IYKWIM) because you're so good at starting insightful threads when you need things rather than withdrawing like I would do. It's hard right now I know, but I believe you're going to get through it and come out the other side stronger.
And I would miss you if you weren't here. I might not think of starting a thread about it - one of my many failings I'm afraid, we all have our shadow and I'm not very good at letting people know how important they are to me, but I would be missing you.

Ann makes some very valid points, HG. One of the things I had to look at in therapy, when I got into my "self-hatred" mode, was that I became the aggressor against myself, and if anyone else, such as my therapist, attempted to point out ways that maybe I was distorting things and listed the ways I wasn't such a horrible person, I'd flip to *aggressively pointing out to her and others that they weren't seeing things correctly and that they didn't really "know me" or what was inside of me (*When I say "aggressively" above, I don't mean physically; I mean I simply skillfully and passionately defended myself against anyone saying that I had some great qualities). You have demonstrated some of the same behaviors here in this threat, defending against the good qualities people were gently pointing out to you. This behavior is often very entrenched in a person and we revert to it almost automatically.

Later, I'd often flip again into the position of the victim, agreeing with people who have pointed out that I was aggressive in my distorted perceptions and I'd apologize and rake myself over the coals for refusing other's thoughts or opinions as a possibility (Aggressor against myself, aggressor or abuser toward others and then back to victim). I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but I really encourage you to examine all of this with your therapist. Things truly aren't black and white when it comes to our positive and/or negative qualities. It's much more gray or a mixed bag in reality. It's only on TV or in fiction that one's personal qualities are one or the other. . . or perhaps with some psychopaths. I hope you're able to talk this over with your therapist.

ScarletPimpernel, enjoyed the story (Twenty Dollars).

I know you all have valid points (and I'm thinking more clearly today). I am still hurt. But I do understand what you're saying.

I have another problem now, and I will post a thread about it when I can.

Glad you're feeling a bit better HG. I'll be watching for your thread

There are few indeed whom nobody loves.
But there are many who do not feel loved.

HG, I just wanted to pipe in to say I think I get where your coming from with what your t said. I read somewhere that t's should be careful not to use 'false praise' with clients - especially clients who have experienced childhood abuse. Some clients, such as those who have experienced childhood abuse, are incredibly astute at seeing when this is done and will strongly refute any false praise given.

I write this a day after I told my t how I think I'm boring company to be around. She didn't tell me my friends didn't think I was boring - for how would she know! But she carefully constructed an argument around what she did know and had 'proof' of to show me that I probably am not boring and that there is a place for untroverts like me in groups.

It sounds like a mistake on your t's part, and the topic wasn't well handled. But we all make mistakes. I think it's okay to bring this up, to let her know your thoughts around it.

I went through a stage of assessing my friendships. I said, "I deserve better friends" and T said, 'absolutely'! I cut ties with two people who were dragging me down with their negativity and who couldn't/wouldn't support me when I needed it

Hazel Girl, I've been thinking about what you said on this thread about getting a lot of invitations to things and not going. I take it quite personally when I invite someone to a party or something and they don't come - you might think it doesn't matter to them whether you go or not, but it probably matters more than you think - and could that be related to you not being invited to other things? I've been trying to follow a policy of 'accept all invitations' - even if I don't feel like it.