[TexMec]

My first post here. I’ve been reading/following for awhile, trying to process things. Hoping people here could help give me some perspective.

My therapist broke up with me yesterday. Last week I told him I was having confusing feelings about therapy, and about him (I’m female, by the way), because my relationship with my husband wasn’t as strong as it could be. My therapist encouraged me to talk about it, and said that that kind of transference was not abnormal and that he could handle it just fine. He wanted me to take the week to think about it, and make sure I still felt comfortable seeing him. I went back yesterday and told him that I work hard in therapy, and that is what is paramount. My boundaries are clear and so are his, so my focus would continue to be on the work I’ve been doing. He then informed me, that after consulting a peer, he’s decided it would be unethical for him to keep seeing me. That it would end up doing me more harm then good. And that today would be our last session. That’s it. Understandably, I think, I got a little upset. I told him that he encouraged me to talk about it, that it was safe, that I was safe, and now I was suffering the consequences. After me going on like this for 10 minutes or so, he informs me out of the blue that a friend of his committed suicide on the weekend. WTF? Now I feel angry AND awful, for being angry at him. We’d had such a good therapeutic relationship, and I’m saddened and confused as to why it’s ended like this. Therapy has helped me immensely, but I still had things I was processing (obviously!) I guess I’m just seeking advice or reassurance. I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves.

[JaneTennison1]

I am so sorry to hear this. What a terrible ending this was an I would be more than annoyed in the same boat. Sounds like his colleague friend freaked him out.

[Lauliza]

I'm very sorry your therapy had to end like this. It sounds like your therapist might be newer to the field, otherwise I think he wouldn't have changed gears so abruptly. Did he or his office at least refer you to another T?

[HazelGirl]

That's absolutely terrible! He handled that situation absolutely terribly!

[sweepy62]

I agree with the above , most therapists know how to work through this, I am wondering what the personal disclosure had to do with anything. I hope he refered you.

[JustShakey]

Please tell me this pathetic excuse for a T at least gave you a referral. Just ditched you with no warning *and* burdened you with his friend's death. What a jerk!

[SnakeCharmer]

I'm sorry you've experienced this abrupt ending to your therapy. IMO, you didn't do anything wrong and I hope you don't beat yourself up over your part in this situation. It's very likely one of those things that's bad timing, something no one could predict.

Your therapist obviously suffered a personal shock and may be in crisis himself over his friend's suicide last weekend. It's very possible that he confided many confused feelings (which we can't even guess at) to his peer and that the combination of his personal loss, transference and counter-transference may be more than he can handle right now.

If it was a close friend ... well, I've lost friends suddenly and shockingly and it made it almost impossible for me to deal with other people's problems and to do them any kind of justice. My own reactions were off-kilter for a while. Compassion and empathy for others takes a backseat while one regroups and processes their own grief. That's got to be a devastating situation for a therapist.

Some Ts (and people in other professions) find it helps to lose themselves in their work and to focus entirely on other people for many hours a day. Others just can't manage it. Their loss puts them out of focus.

When you take the suicide into account, I wouldn't be surprised if your T hasn't already or won't soon be "breaking up" with other patients. If he can't focus his attention and energies properly, it would be doing more harm than good. If he has counter-transference issues they might cause him to turn therapy sessions into seeking comfort for himself. It would be a human thing to do, but not ethical.

Neither of you could have predicted what was going to happen on the weekend. How could you? Sometimes life is just unfair. This sounds like one of those times. This was out of your control and out of his. I'm really sorry you've suffered the backlash to become collateral damage in a stranger's sudden death. Confusing, unfair, and not your fault in any way.

I wish you the best.

[UnderRugSwept]

I am so sorry you opened up to your T and he ended up abandoning you. I cannot imagine what his colleague could have said for him to do a total 180 like that. It sounds like he made a bad decision when he was feeling the most vulnerable after losing his friend to suicide. (Maybe he feels guilty too because he feels like he should have seen it coming? Idk...just a thought. Not that he had any control over what was his friend's decision.)

I am sorry he burdened you with that information because it really just confuses the issue even more, so it's hard for you to fully process your anger and grief at the loss of the therapeutic relationship when you also feel bad for him. If he has been a great T up until this extremely abrupt end, that would be difficult for me as well. Can you write him a letter in maybe a week or two once you have processed all of this a bit more? Not necessarily expecting an answer back, but perhaps to provide some added closure? I do also hope he provided you with referrals, btw!

My guess would be that there is something about his feelings for you, combined with how vulnerable he might be following the death of his friend, that made the consulting T think it would be better for your T to refer you elsewhere. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry this is happening.

This makes me really angry. I have nothing else to say. I'm really sorry. I hope you're able to find a good therapist to work through this. You deserve so much better than that.

[Freewilled]

I'm sorry I know how it feels to lose a T abruptly like that - it's a horrible feeling I hope he gave you a referral, and if not, please find another T as soon as you can. If he was struggling with his friends death, he should've taken some time off work IMO.

[Petra5ed]

My guess is that he has romantic feelings for you as well. That's the only reason I could think of that he would abruptly end things like that. I don't know what the suicide had to do with anything, other than maybe he should have taken the day off? Sorry this happened. Most likely he was/is acting in your best interest and just unsure of himself. Sucks!

[unaluna]

It sounds to me like he was admitting his vulnerability to you. Thats being pretty open. That is a compliment, in a way - his sharing. That is probably a good example of why you two would not make a good therapeutic couple. He is "too" present, and you might not be present enough to hear the other person? That could be his kryptonite.

I am so, so sorry this happened. He was so wrong. You deserve better.
My first t dumped me out of nowhere after seven years, and i remember how it felt. I am so sorry he did this to you.

[browncat]

wow..sorry that happened to you. I am guessing that it might have had more to do with his feelings than your feelings. I hope you find another T, and can work through some of the anger and feelings that this abrupt ending has caused you. Best wishes.

[AmazingGrace7]

Understandably, you are confused. I'm sorry this happened to you. I could have written much of your post…my therapist said it would be egregious for him to remain my therapist.

It's still (somewhat) difficult to talk about...and it's been 7 years.

I gently encourage you to find a new T and share what you have shared here.

[iheartjacques]

That's awful. That's why I don't talk about my feelings about him. I don't want to get dumped as well. It's getting better. If it was getting worse, well then I'd have a problem.

[TexMec]

I just wanted to thank everybody for their responses. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences...makes me feel less alone. I may end up seeing another therapist, but for now I just have to decompress for a bit. Therapy is a funny thing...I guess it's like medication, in that it can do so much good, but you have to accept that there can be unwanted side effects.

Ugh. Pain sucks.

[LastQuestion]

I believe your T did not want you to believe it was any small matter which made it unethical for him to provide you treatment. While perhaps well meaning, and quite human, it seems to me his behavior is evidence of how distraught he is and how it affects his own judgement regarding certain kinds of interpersonal relationships.

Transference can go both ways and it may be that his peer convinced him that his current state of mind could lead to that occuring thereby jeopardizing the treatment you would receive from him.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by hankster

It sounds to me like he was admitting his vulnerability to you. Thats being pretty open. That is a compliment, in a way - his sharing. That is probably a good example of why you two would not make a good therapeutic couple. He is "too" present, and you might not be present enough to hear the other person? That could be his kryptonite.

I'm pretty sure that there is nothing positive about this. If the T allowed his romantic feelings for his client to allow him to be vulnerable with that client, that is abuse. A client no matter the circumstances should ever be burdened with knowing those kinds of things about a T's life. And I don't think the client should ever need to be present to '"hear" the T. And if the T allowed his romantic feelings to determine the way that therapy ended that is just irresponsible.

[TexMec]

I just wanted to take the time to follow up on this. A kind of happy ending. After corresponding back and forth a few times regarding our mutual unhappiness over how things ended, we ended up meeting for a final session last friday. The anger and the discomfort were gone, and in there place were honesty and empathy. We mutually agreed that we cared about each other, and had an honest connection, and though we could have easily gone on to do a lot of good work together, things would have inevitably got complicated. My therapist rightly pointed out that it was his job to look out for my best interests. He'e ethically bound to do so. And he knew that we couldn't continue to work together. He apologized for his behaviour at our previous session, noting that we had both been upset, and that he should have handled it much differently. We both stated how much we hated that we were doing the right thing.

I left feeling sadness for the loss, but also feeling proud, for having sought a better ending and finding it. It's not something I would have been able to do before starting therapy. I'm also impressed with my T. He took the high road, and was humble enough to admit he was human.

So...I don't have a therapist, but I do have courage. And peace. Things could be worse.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Depletion

I'm pretty sure that there is nothing positive about this. If the T allowed his romantic feelings for his client to allow him to be vulnerable with that client, that is abuse. A client no matter the circumstances should ever be burdened with knowing those kinds of things about a T's life. And I don't think the client should ever need to be present to '"hear" the T. And if the T allowed his romantic feelings to determine the way that therapy ended that is just irresponsible.

I never said the t had romantic feelings. Im sorry i didnt explain myself more clearly the first time around. A person can be vulnerable to another person's foibles or traits and just not be a good match. A person can be temporarily vulnerable due to personal circumstances such as grief. That is how i meant "vulnerable" - not in any romantic sense. The client may have felt there were potential romantic issues since she mentioned her h early on - if the t didnt want to deal with that for whatever reason, i dont think any ethical rule says he must. I am glad it did end as positively as it did.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by TexMec

I just wanted to take the time to follow up on this. A kind of happy ending. After corresponding back and forth a few times regarding our mutual unhappiness over how things ended, we ended up meeting for a final session last friday. The anger and the discomfort were gone, and in there place were honesty and empathy. We mutually agreed that we cared about each other, and had an honest connection, and though we could have easily gone on to do a lot of good work together, things would have inevitably got complicated. My therapist rightly pointed out that it was his job to look out for my best interests. He'e ethically bound to do so. And he knew that we couldn't continue to work together. He apologized for his behaviour at our previous session, noting that we had both been upset, and that he should have handled it much differently. We both stated how much we hated that we were doing the right thing.

I left feeling sadness for the loss, but also feeling proud, for having sought a better ending and finding it. It's not something I would have been able to do before starting therapy. I'm also impressed with my T. He took the high road, and was humble enough to admit he was human.

So...I don't have a therapist, but I do have courage. And peace. Things could be worse.

im sorry but im glad you were able to do this and feel ok about it. my t has been clear that she wants to terminate but i cant bring myself to do it even though i did try. you are very strong and very brave to have been able to do this.