Healthy vs. Unhealthy Attachment to T

I think it could be said that I have a borderline unhealthy attachment to my psychiatrist, who is male. I think everyone who read and responded to my paniced posts about the email I sent to him know this now too . However, I also have a female therapist that I have a very healthy attachment to, so there is some balance there. We talk about my transference every now and then, so that is a big help to me. She does not think I should switch doctors because she thinks we have a very good and very healthy relationship. It may help me work through my intense insecurity with men and intense fear of being unlovable and fear of abandonment by them.

I still believe that gender can often play a big role in therapy, as do some female therapists (especially feminist). My close friend who is a T, upon learning I had a male psychiatrist years ago said that it's not empowering for female clients to see male pdocs and therapists. She is a feminist therapist, although not at all anti male. She is just aware of the power imbalance in the real world and in therapy. So, in general she is a fan of same sex client and T pairings.

I am one of the posters who's suggested some female posters switch to female T's. I do this when I see the strong transference present that isn't being handled well by the male T. Or worse, the female client is receiving confusing, mixed messages from the male T. There are also some women who can resort to using seductive behavior with male Ts, and I think some of these men have a difficult time managing this. I think clients who behave this way are the most vulnerable to unethical male therapists. So that's my biggest concern. I don't want to make this a gender issue and I know the same can be said of female T's and male clients. I actually just learned of one pretty serious situation involving a female therapist who did not handle the transference of a male client well at all. It escalated and caused some pretty major problems for both of them (she could have been reported but wasn't). So I'd say vulnerable male clients may do best with a male therapist.

But other times its clear from posters on this forum that transference can be worked through. It's my own issue that I tend to expect the worst behavior of men and don't trust their intentions most of the time. I might project this a little onto others on this forum but hopefully not too often.

Lauliza, thanks for sharing. I don't' want to make this a gender issue, either. It's interesting to me because after I was terminated by my first T (male), my friends and other T's recommended I see a female T. So, I did. Three years later, I felt betrayed by her when I learned she had been consulting/having conversations (about me) with former T. I returned to a male T.

Three years later, I terminated my therapy with him and interviewed T's of both genders.

Based on childhood and recent past experiences, I would expect to feel most comfortable with a female T. Actually, it's the opposite for me.

I'm quite attached to my T of the same gender as me (female). I was emotionally flat when I started therapy, now I'm feeling a huge amount of emotion, and this includes sexual feelings (sorry don't know a code word for that phrase). These feelings are not directed at her. I think I would find the feelings hard if I was not in a relationship and didn't have an outlet for them. I've been wondering if others feel the same way as me. I had never realised before how these feelings could be so linked to emotions.

I don't think attachment to a therapist is a good plan or safe at all for the client. I don't believe there is such a thing as healthy attachment to one of them.

I do tend to sexualize the topic of attachment and realize from reading your's and other posts that there's more to attachment than that.

Since it's not an issue for me, I tend to overlook that clients are often very attached to T's of the same gender. I think the nature of that attachment reflects a client's interpersonal issues in real life. So I'd say in this example it's harder to define "unhealthy" attachment since therapy is the ideal place to work through this and learn new, appropriate ways of interacting with other people. I think it only becomes unhealthy when it isn't helping you with outside relationships and instead is fostering an unhealthy dependence on the therapist. If you started out therapy feeling socially isolated and wanting to change this, but instead remain isolated except for your relationship to your T, I think that might not be very healthy.

I'm sorry this happened to you with your second T - he handled it terribly. I do think the T themselves play a big part in how healthy or unhealthy the attachment is.

My sexual feelings aren't directed towards my T. either. I don't think she's attractive, don't want anything from her, would be horrified if she made advances on me. We have discussed my "other feelings" as I call them. She thinks it's both an awakening of my emotions - finally feeling free to express them now that my mom is gone and being more open with people - along with feeling emotionally intimate with her. She did once say I was sexually attracted to her and I about DIED. I told her I don't think of her that way at all. I think it has to do with feeling close to her and never feeling this close to anyone else.

I'm glad I'm not the only one with feelings like this. I love that your T discussed with you being attracted to her in an open way, but I hope it doesn't remain for you an excruciating moment.

I've been thinking about your post - do you have any attachment to either of your T's?

I get this.

One of the biggest challenges in my own therapy is overcoming the feelings of shame. It sounds as if your T and you are able to discuss some difficult topics without you feeling "shamed" by her.

I find the topic of transference and attachment to T's, utterly intriguing, and I oft find myself reading these threads more than I participate.

I try hard, understanding, and admire how much hard work goes into trying to work through the attachment to a paid therapist.

I guess, the extent I'm finding myself transferring emotional connection, is viewing them as though they were big brothers to me. To believe that, deep down, they actually care about my plight.
I wonder, with the OP's question about responsibility, if it's more the clients responsibility to acknowledge that there's a serious dysfunction in the therapeutic relationship and then once disclosed, it's the T's responsibility to have protocols in place, due to the obsessive nature?

Maybe gender isn't the answer? Does proximity in age, play a role? I rarely see that mentioned?

I sometimes wonder how much their wives(or husbands) fear, the transference/ attachment topic?

Interesting you wrote this because, in part, it's why I asked the question. When I see a recommendation that a client terminate therapy with an opposite gender T and find one of the same sex, it implies something about the gender dynamic between T and client which may be the issue. I don't believe that is the case. Usually, I wonder if something happened between the poster and their own T which is influencing their suggestion.

The more I think about the topic, the more I consider how many factors go into various dynamics. For instance, some have maternal, stands to reason there's brotherly. The way you posed the question, reminds me simply of a way my bff from college would ask..
Then I ponder, if there's a more romantic aspect, if there's something lacking in a current romantic relationship, or if it's desire for fantastical escape. ..

I'm not sure, how long does this even get addressed for, and with being awestruck, which I observed someone do to my pdoc once, if tearing down the walls, peeling back the layers to true self, inner core can occur?

I also wonder what the end of healthy therapy looks like. I don't think there is a hard, fast rule on time. I may be a dreamer but I do believe inner core healing can occur.

I don't think so. If I did, it would not appear to be the positive kind - but I really doubt I have any.

If either of you have to cancel/miss a previously scheduled appointment, or is gone for an extended period of time, does it bother you?

No, it does not.

Stopdog, I enjoy reading your posts. Can I ask you a question which may have been asked before and I just missed? What is it about therapy, or the therapy relationship, that keeps you going back?

I find it an interesting experiment. And I do take things both therapists have tried on me (which usually I react badly to) and try on students who very often, to my surprise, respond favorably to such.

What about between sessions? Do you think about your T's, do you have a longing to be back with them?

I think about why the one asked or said what she did - what the point was supposed to be in relation to me or what was she trying to manipulate me about. The second one not so much.
I most assuredly have no longing.

Does therapy end, just by virtue of tackling one life aspect?
I find it easier to delve into other areas of my life, when I view my T and Pdoc as professionals that are there to help me with what I go for. That is what they are trained for.

I think about sessions in between sessions, because there's something to be learned each time. For instance, word choices, suggested approaches with various rl relationships. Outsider perspective, etc.

I don't know when I'll be out of therapy, but for right now, with the stressors of my life, the social dynamics around me, it's as healthy as it's going to be.

No, but there is a financial piece of therapy which makes it difficult to make it a lifelong venture.

Attachment isn't something that's healthy or unhealthy... It's a style that reflects am attempt to fix the past..... It's exactly why someone should be on therapy exploring it....

Sigh..... Unhealthy.... Next people will be thinking of building rooms with gas heads in and............

I agree with most of this post. When the attachment making the client worse then I think it is unhealthy. A lot may have to do with the therapists role in this, such as allowing themselves to become a replacement for someone in a clients real life, encouraging dependence. It depends on the people but I think that is mostly unhealthy and can make some people worse.