[MindfulMoment]

This week this has been the first week which my new T has taken off for holiday.

I feel real anger towards her and I'm not sure why.

I'm not sure where these feelings have come from. Firstly because she's lovely and has done nothing wrong and secondly because I haven't even known her that long to feel that attached to her! Our last session was nice and I discussed all of the things I mentioned that I wanted to discuss on pc.

I noticed when I was in therapy before that I really don't like things coming to an end. I literally had a mini breakdown when my last T told me that our sessions were coming to an end, but though extreme, that response was understandable because I had known her for a long time. This new T I've not known long at all. I do like her and in my head she has pretty much replaced my old T, but emotionally I'm not as connected to her and I'm angry that I'm feeling anything towards her at all.

I'm not usually prone to anger, but in our next session I just imagine picking up things from the table and throwing them everywhere. I feel soooo angry at her. I want her to understand how angry I feel, I want to make her angry as well. I'm frustrated. Frustrated and annoyed with myself because I can't stop thinking about her. I literally think about her daily. I don't work at the moment and I have no other regular things in my life, other than our therapy appointments. I think maybe that is part of the discomfort, the fact that even though she doesn't make my week, our sessions are a massive part of it.

She's a lovely women, but for the past week I've just hated her and I can't explain why.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar and if so, how did you bring it up with your Ts?

MM

[SnakeCharmer]

I think you're describing classic abandonment panic that's turned into rage. This is something to talk to her about ... in a calm, collected fashion. It would be good to journal some of this, to even show her what you've written here.

Your post here is about your feelings, not about ripping her character to shreds, so that makes it a really good way to introduce the subject into your therapy. This is an important topic, especially the part about wanting to make her mad, too.

Sometimes we do this thing ... we fear being left so much that we can't stand the suspense so we create situations where we behave in such an obnoxious way the other person rejects us. Even though we end up left behind -- the thing we didn't want -- that actually feels better because the suspense is over. It's a done deal. As terrible as being alone feels, it feels better than not knowing if or when we're going to get left in the dust again.

I don't know if that's been a pattern in your life or not. If even any of it rings true, it's a great topic for therapy.

I wish you the best and hope you can find healthy ways to self-comfort until your T comes back and that once you're sitting in her office, the impulse to throw things can remain contained.

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

I think you're describing classic abandonment panic that's turned into rage. This is something to talk to her about ... in a calm, collected fashion. It would be good to journal some of this, to even show her what you've written here.

Your post here is about your feelings, not about ripping her character to shreds, so that makes it a really good way to introduce the subject into your therapy. This is an important topic, especially the part about wanting to make her mad, too.

Sometimes we do this thing ... we fear being left so much that we can't stand the suspense so we create situations where we behave in such an obnoxious way the other person rejects us. Even though we end up left behind -- the thing we didn't want -- that actually feels better because the suspense is over. It's a done deal. As terrible as being alone feels, it feels better than not knowing if or when we're going to get left in the dust again.

I don't know if that's been a pattern in your life or not. If even any of it rings true, it's a great topic for therapy.

I wish you the best and hope you can find healthy ways to self-comfort until your T comes back and that once you're sitting in her office, the impulse to throw things can remain contained.

Thanks for your replay SnakeCharmer I've never heard the term abandonment panic. I'll look into it. I journal quite regularly anyway, so I could write a bit for her to read, or maybe just read it, or explain it to her at our next session. Anger generally isn't my style, I tend to get quite cold with people until they end up leaving because they think I don't care.

I'm going to see if I can direct my energy into my writing in the hope of settling my mind a bit. In fact just typing it on here has calmed me slightly. Thank you.

MM

[SnakeCharmer]

MM,

Getting cold toward people, freezing them out, the cold shoulder, the silent treatment -- I'm pretty sure all of that's a form of anger, too.

Which means that something has happened in therapy! It's exciting. It has gone from cold anger, which is easy to deny, to hot anger, which anyone can see and identify as anger. Something in therapy has triggered a change in your anger style, bringing it into more recognizable form. To me, that's exciting.

It's odd to say, "Good work," when you feel like throwing things, but it does sound like progress, just as long as you don't actually lash out and break and throw things at your T or anyone else. So ... good work!

[MindfulMoment]

I never thought of it that way at all. Perhaps I really need to explore what has caused such a change.

Thank you. Your post has been more helpful to me than you know.

I'll probably not throw things at her, or anyone else for that matter, but I will mention to her that I want to.