This journey is really a strange deal. Going from a ball of wire bound so tightly to begining to unravel, one bit of dysfuntion by another. I am finding that I am catching myself in my patterns.

I'll give an example, rather embarrassing but hey, I wouldnt be in therapy if I was acting rather embarrassinly at times LOL!

Anyways I'm a shop assistant in a large supermarket chain. Fell into the job 12yrs ago and its been rather like a comfy blanket. So today I'm walking along with the most horrid uniform LOL and carrying some stock-take folders and all the customers are coming into the shop and I catch myself thinking, "They must see that I do an IMPORTANT job in this shop because of these folders I am carrying" LOL I tell no lie this is my thinking in that moment LOL.

I caught it and thoughts, Geez what power you've put into these folders. As if they make me more important! and then my mind thought about all the other things I put Power into, even in to T. How I still think the power is outside of me, that who I am depended on how I looked, how what others can say to me, and none of it coming from ME.

It felt scary to let go of this blind thinking because without attaching power to outside things I feel as if I'd disappear, I'd be alone, afraid that I alone am not enought.

I kept thinking of these pieces of paper I had attached so much meaning too. I want to attach that meaning to me as I am, as I stand.

I guess as PERNA always says LOL, we gotta spot it to fix it..

But I don't want to see my T as anything less then the powerful person I've made her to be LOL. I dont want to grow up lol

[Soidhonia]

Hello Mouse.
I hope you are doing well at this time. I feel that even though you feel like you are not powerful at this time that you are making very good progress in the way you rationalize within your environment, and seeing things as they are at this time. I think that just the realization that you are having is a strength in itself that is very important to gain in life to help you be more productive in the future, and that is empowerment. I hope the best for you int he future and the progress you are making in therapy and in life. Take care Soidhonia

Mouse, that's great that you are making those connections. I know that my onion is really, really large and even if 100 layers come off, there will still be so many more to go. Obviously you're really benefiting from therapy b/c it looks like you have some great insight.

We don't have to grow up COMPLETELY