[sidony]

I'm angry with myself for having started group therapy. I didn't want to try it, but I trust my therapist and hated the fact that I was too anxious to do something like that. So I got up the nerve, and now I'm going. Only thing is I can't really get up the motivation. I'm really not participating that well, I'm not very interested, and I'm actively being unhelpful in individual therapy when my therapist asks me about my impressions of the group. And for some reason, I'm just angry. I don't know why really. I guess because this is the way I get in relationships: I go in without really wanting to, and then I'm too lethargic to quit and too unmotivated to do a better job of participating.

Ugh! Why am I so annoyed with everything?!

Okay I just had to vent here. Hopefully next week I'll feel better and more into giving it a shot.

Sidony

[Perna]

Sidony, I often feel that way about anything I "should" do, doesn't matter if I decided I should do it or someone else (although someone else is slightly more irksome just because my stepmother use to rule my life and thwarting her appeared to be a joy :-)

I also get angry if I'm "too" anxious; it's the only way to get me out of a frozen fear state and moving. I'm a very good stomper/slammer :-)

I can calm myself using my individual T's voice, remembering one day when she had to say, "Not with that attitude!" :-) It still brings me up short and makes me smile and try again, "nicer." Usually looking and realizing I'm afraid/still afraid and thinking of some little thing to help me or some "experiment" to try for myself (dare yourself to do/say something specific in group) will reconnect me and remembering my T's words/manner and how long I worked with/trusted her and how she's a part of me now (and I'm a part of me now :-) helps too.

Hey Sidony... Even if you think you aren't interested while in the group, looking at the connection you have already made by going-- you were able to see that your reaction to the group mirrors your relationship patterns. That sounds like a really important connection to make. Maybe you can focus more on your reaction to the goup, moreso that what goes on in the group for now--- and talk about those reactions with your T.

[sunrise]

Sidony,
Do you have separate goals for your individual therapy and your group therapy? If it were me, I might write down my goals for each form of therapy and see if there is any overlap. If there was duplication of goals, I might then try to decide if one type of therapy was sufficient to reach that goal. If the answer was no, I would feel more justified in going to group, like it was something I really had to do to achieve my goal. In this way, I might feel greater "buy in" to the group process. If on the other hand, I felt that individual therapy would help me reach the goal more quickly or effectively, I might focus on that. If it seems that your two therapy modalities have different goals, and both goals are very important to you, then this also might help you get the buy in you need.

Maybe you can just sit in the background of the group for a while and see what you can learn from the group dynamics that already exist, without trying to be a participant. This could be helpful too or at least intellectually interesting, and maybe a good way to ease into the group and become engaged without becoming threatened. Maybe view group like watching an episode of "Survivor."

Does your T run the group too or is it a different leader? When an individual's T runs the group also, there can arise questions about conflict of interest. I'm not suggesting there is a problem here, but just good to be aware of.

If it were me (and this is totally me!!), I might resent that my T wanted to take up my time in our one-on-one sessions talking about group. I consider my session time so precious I would not want to "waste" it talking about group. Do you think this could be contributing to your anger?

It sounds like you have already made an important connection between how you are behaving in group and how you behave in other relationships. Sounds like something of interest to discuss with your T!

(((hugs)))

sunny

[sidony]

Thanks all. I just had to vent. :-) Yes, my individual therapist also runs the group. He has been wanting me to be in group for over a year now, and I finally consented. He believes that it will help me with the same goals that I'm pursuing in individual therapy. It's true that I'm already reacting the way I always do (I constantly get into relationships that I'm unsure about but I never commit fully or leave completely). I can't even make up my mind to quit group. Grr. I guess I'm just annoyed. The fact that I feel angry this week is really unusual for me. I tend to stay pretty calm.

I don't HAVE to talk about group in individual therapy, but it does seem like a good idea. I'm just annoyed because I feel undecided about all of it. Joining group was going against my instincts which puts me in a weird place.

Sidony