[lone_77]

I did it again for the first time in a long time. I don't know how to tell her. I feel like I'm overwhelming her. I've been dropping huge, important amounts of information on her for the past few sessions. I'm embarrassed because it seems like I have too many things to be resolved, and because she always tells me I'm strong, when obviously I'm not, she just can't tell. I don't know how to bring it up. Or if I even want to. Would she be accepting? Or frustrated? Or annoyed? I don't want to stress her out. I'm sure she has enough with her family and she doesn't need to be worrying about me.

[HazelGirl]

You don't need to take care of your T. That's why you pay her.

I wonder if you're using "taking care of her" as an excuse to avoid what you're afraid of?

[jaynedough]

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. It would probably be a good idea to let your T know that you're SI'ing again. Chances are your T is already picking up on the recent changes in you and won't be surprised that you have SI'd. Hopefully she can help you develop some coping strategies.

I know what you mean about not wanting to worry or stress your T; it's something I, too, worry about.

[lostwonder]

It is really going to depend upon your T on the reaction you will receive. My T kind of shrugged his shoulders, said that maybe I didn't have any better coping mechanisms yet, and asked if I would like some other told to work with.

[NowhereUSA]

I'm sorry. I've picked up SI habits again in the last few months. I think having talked with my T before has made it seem less "big". Which the downside is that I haven't mentioned it to him until yesterday when I sent an email and just sorta slipped it in. Now when I talk about it, I own it. "I did it. I wanted to do it. I know it wasn't effective and it was my choice."

He'll probably argue the point with me next week and whether or not it annoys him isn't really my concern. He can go talk to another T if he needs to work through issues.

[lone_77]

Lots of reasons why I don't want her to know I guess. She doesn't know I ever did it in the first place. I guess I'm afraid of her getting annoyed and leaving me. Or worse, staying with me and acting annoyed. My mom always said things like "you're not gonna go crazy and hurt yourself are you? I don't want to deal with that." Im just irrationally afraid T will react the same and think I'm too much. Not to mention SI comes with a lot of shame. It seems like I was making so much progress and I just went and ruined it. She doesn't even do trauma in her practice (she doesn't know I know that) yet she's made a continuous effort to help me and does research, etc. Just a lot of guilt here.

[NowhereUSA]

Ouch. It sounds like you didn't have a very supportive environment. It's terrifying to talk about at first - I was really frightened about how my T would react and when he didn't negatively react - when he expressed concern and then demonstrated he was on my side, it became easier.

If you want to write something out that can help. He was the first person who actually told *me* why I was doing it. I had abstract ideas (I'm in so much pain) and when he sat down with my husband he said that it was a coping mechanism and not to be frightened of it. In other words, he validated me without necessarily validating the behavior. It was incredibly freeing to know that he was very comfortable dealing with it. That concern =/= fear or invalidation.

You're coping and if you talk to her, she can help you figure out why this is your go-to coping mechanism and help you work towards a healthier one.