When the therapist resets boundaries

When my former therapist reset boundaries, I never responded well. In part, because most "resetting" of the boundaries was a result of his countertransference, etc… I often felt confused and punished when he would reset, especially since I hadn't done anything to warrant it it the first place.

Exactly.....I only followed his lead in regards to boundaries. I was encouraged to reach out anytime because I had issues with asking for help. Now I feel punished, lost, comfused and now I am so upset for allowing myself to trust. No one is going to get that close to me again. I feel betrayed.

my first t did this all the time. it was so hard on me and kept making things worse.

This is how part of me feels too. But I have to keep telling myself that now allowing myself to trust anyone isn't good either. It's really difficult.

I feel confused and punished too.

How did you know your T. had countertransference?

I assume that the boundaries were changed because you were contacting your T a lot. I think that there must be a reason for that. I have a habit of contacting my T when things don't feel resolved after a session. Maybe you have some need that is not being met in session. It might be helpful to figure out what exactly that is, and if there is some way to work on it in session.

Contacting your T might also be preventing you from feeling certain feelings that you need to work through, or grieving past relationships that harmed you. Perhaps your T feels that you are ready to start that process?

At any rate I think it would be helpful for you to talk with her about how you feel about this change, and see if you can better understand why she made it.

I kind of like firm boundaries. Its a safe place to work in. I'd rather not worry about how far I can go with something. It ultimately just causes me heartache when I do that.

I'm always afraid my T will become overwhelmed with so many clients pulling on her that she might quit. I guess this is my baggage I bring from my childhood fear of being a burden and then abandoned. I know it's up to the T to protect his or her health and draw the boundaries, but I worry about mine just the same. I don't ever even ask to email, call, write, or have extra time. I'm afraid she will get sick, die, or move away, so I stay way off. I do feel for your sense of abandonment, though, by the drastic change when you become used to your T's initial style. I hope you can work it out between you.

I know I overwhelmed my T. He reset boundaries because he was giving to much of his time to me and burnt out. It makes me feel so broken to think that and a huge sense of loss. I felt loved and understood by him and then to feel as if I hurt him in some way. It is so hard now to go into his office and "do" therapy when the relationship dynamics has changed. I am so overwhelmingly sad and the person that usually helps me through extreme emotions is the one I can not go to about this.

I always think it important to recognize clients also have boundaries.

Good question. It involved a former T and our discussion surrounding a rupture.

Once, after a particularly difficult series of events, I emailed my T. We had an agreement I could email him, if needed, and he would respond when/if able. He never responded. The following week, he was slightly aggravated by my email and his feeling pressure to respond. But, I had not asked for one and his response during that session was out of character for him. I blamed myself for the rupture and left therapy for a few weeks. Upon my return, we discussed and he acknowledged his reaction was relating to his own "stuff". Unfortunately, I had blamed myself for WEEKS. If I had not mustered the courage to go back in and discuss, it would have ended there because, sadly, T would never have initiated.

My T has never laid out boundaries. He's never said for example, "don't email" but when I've emailed in the past he's been slow to respond or maybe doesn't at all... over time I interpreted this to mean, don't email me much so I stopped. He's allowed texts, and usually responds with something short. Just recently he started to be more iffy about responding to texts though, so I have tried to cut back to match him on it. The inconsistency has really bothered me. Specifically one time when I found out some major life news and was out of state alone for a family members funeral... I really needed him to respond to me and was just shocked he didn't, and so angry and prideful I couldn't call even though I was a mess. It seemed like any little response would do, but I guess you don't always get what you want.

I usually text/email my T about appointments but sometimes I am in a crisis. I would be upset if she set new boundaries or limited contact outside sessions. When my T responds to me, I feel like my feelings are being heard and understood. I had absolutely no contact with my previous T outside sessions. Based on that experience, I found her very unapproachable and felt like she didn't care.

My new T gave me an extra half hour from a normally one hour session to talk to me. She also talked to me once when we were not in session. A few times we've talked on the phone for a few minutes, which made me feel better. My previous T would never do anything like that. The one time I called her, she didn't want to talk to me and basically told me to go to emergency.

There had to be a reason she did that. It wasn't done out of the blue. You acted like you wanted to quit and you feel abandoned? The crisis plan is simple, call 911 or go to the ER. I don't think there should be any contact between therapist and client outside of the session.

Hellboy

If you had actually read any of this or knew my situation, then you'd know that the crisis plan was far more than call 911 or go the the ER, that she encouraged outside contact and that actually some of this has been out the blue. And you'd also know, that crisis plans and agreements for outside contact differs for everyone.

How about you take a breath for 5 seconds and actually think before you get on your judgy high-horse? But whatever gets you through your day.

This happened to me in a more covert way. Responses to emails reduced, stopped focusing on the content and then sometimes l didn't get a response at all. Then l started getting charged fees for any in between session stuff. l have never raised it with T and assume it is because he does want to change boundaries, he's fed up with me or something else. l don't ask him as l am not convinced l would accept his answer. This has hurt me greatly and has changed the way l feel about him. l feel trust has been broken, he doesn't care blah blah blah.

However, l am trying to see it positively as at some point l need to be independent (like a child growing up and leaving home) and even when l feel negatively about him and wonder if l want to ccontinue, remind myself that life isn't perfect and he's still the best option l have available to me at the moment to get well. Also to try to spot and stop my all or nothing thinking, l can still trust him with my stuff, l don't have to decide to stop trusting totally.

Our feelings have much to teach us if we can notice them and not react to them,

Soup

Yeah I read all that. It sounds to me like the boundaries were too loose to begin with and I think that fosters a state of codependency.

Like I said, she did it for a reason. Maybe you overused it or maybe she realized that having clients calling and texting constantly was overwhelming.

Hellboy

Just because boundaries might seem "loose" to one person, the same boundaries might seem "tight" or even just right to another.

It's difficult when there is an abrupt change in any relationship dynamic. Since the therapeutic relationship tends to make most of us vulnerable, any change can be difficult.

I agree that sometimes change is necessary, but it should be explained. And when it effects something extremely important such as a crisis plan, a new plan should be in place before making the change. Least that's my opinion.

I'm sorry this has happened Asiablue. I don't know what I would do in this situation.

Asia I can't find the post now to quote it, but you mentioned not being certain that your issue warranted a call, so you would text and let T decide if it was a crisis or not.

I have a feeling that was becoming a crutch for you, asking T to validate every feeling for you, and making T decide whether you were really in crisis.

T is making a stand to have you evaluate your own issues, look over the situation and YOU decide you're in need. If she has to evaluate all your experiences that sounds like you're depending on her to tell you how you are feeling.

I don't have contact between sessions, I'm encouraged to vent on her voice mail, but not to expect a return call. The clinic has crisis workers but if I need emergency assistance I will not get a session with my T. Since I've never had any different boundaries I can't say your T is right or wrong.

If it feels wrong to you, then it's wrong.

That makes sense.

Hellboy

I´ve been through this and perhaps it´s not what you want to hear but for me, as you perhaps already read, it all ended up with my T terminating me. But to be clear, I don´t mean that has to happen to you.

I think it´s just awful that your T did this to you as you describe you sometimes feel suicidal. What was your T:s explanation to tighten the boundaries?

I experienced to some extent the same thing, I emailed my T for some time and suddenly I noticed she wasn´t that eager to letting me continue emailing her any more. But, and that was a huge fault from her side, I got to know this by her telling me that she was to read my e-mails till the next session but then she didn´t. She just explained away why and made me feel fooled as I asked her if she´d read my emails. So, it was in a way setting tighter boundaries but done in an ugly way.

I felt exactly the same way as you, I told my T I wanted to take a break in therapy and for me, as I already said, it was the end to my therapy. I think you should ask yourself if you can get pass this issue and accept that your T don´t let you contact her between sessions anymore.

I´ve read about several people in here that feel they can´t cope with just having sessions, they need contact between sessions. If you feel this way, I would try finding a new T if it´s possible. If it´s hard or impossible to find a new T i would try to bring myself together before my next session and try to speak my mind even if it´s hard.

I'm sorry that your T changed her rules, Asia. I know how difficult that can be. You may remember that my T took "holding her hand" away from me without an adequate explanation. For more than a year she promised she would never take it away. But she did do just that! She told me about a year later that SHE felt uncomfortable with it. I still can't totally forgive her for the abrupt way she "took it away." Then, after finishing her SE courses, she decided it's okay again, and now she says I don't have to ask her all the time.

A few weeks ago, she put her hand on top of my wrist and said "let's do it this way." I emailed her that she was taking it away again, and I became angry. We discussed it, and she apologized at my last session and said we could hold hands the way I want to.

My T also changed the rules about emails several times, but that was partially due to my frustrations with her replies. We went from her answering every one of my emails to her answering none, unless it was about scheduling. I found that rule made me want to email her often sometimes. That was allowed. I had trouble feeling connected to her when I switched to sessions twice a month.

I would have had to tolerate the no response rule except when my H got his medical diagnosis and I stayed in the hospital with him, she answered my emails again. She has continued to answer them. It's working out fine. I actually email less than I used to because we have a secure attachment now.

Sorry I wrote so much. My main point is that it hurts when Ts change the rules. However, a T can also change them back if there's a good reason to. I hope you can work it out with your T so you don't have to find a new one.

Thank you for this Rainbow. I remember that situation with you are your T and how painful that was. It's good to be reminded that the things that are taken away can just as easily be changed back at some point.
How did you ever hang in there when your T took away something important to you? Did you ever have the urge to just never go back?

I think the texting definitely did become a crutch in some ways, but I don't think my T has taken them away to make me evaluate my feelings for myself. From what I can tell, she felt like we were both being overwhelmed with material and issues arising from the texting and subsequent phonecalls. I think that she is trying to take away all the angst that arose from whether I should call or not and texting to just making it a clear " no contact" policy. And that that would also steam all the work back in session time and not have it bleed out into the days in between. I think she hopes that might reduce the amount of anxiety outside of session.

I say " I think" because I'm not 100% sure why she's doing it. And I can see sense in that reasoning but it just seems like an overly simple solution to my issues surrounding being anxious outside of sessions and anxiety around whether I need to be speaking to her or not.

I think there's several layers to what going on with my anxiety, which is activated by insecure attachment to her, fear of calling too much; hence not being sure I should be calling her or needing her, and issue of containment of the material from the sessions.

I think it would be better for her to get to the bottom of all that and figuring a way forward than simply just taking away my safety net of access to her outside of sessions.