[MASIMO]

I finally told my new therapist how depressed and grieving I am feeling over my former T retiring. He has been gone for 2 months now and my grief seems worse not better.
My new T and I have not really addressed my feelings for my Ex-T. I finally disclosed to him that I fell in love with him and I was having a hard time unattaching myself from him.

I dont know if he was trying to discourage my feelings, or trying to explain why I fell in love with EX-T, but I sat there as my new T told me that the "issue" with my Ex is that he had a very mixed reputation in the community. Some of his clients say he saved their lives...I'm one of them. And that he has heard so many things about him from clients and other clinicians over the years that showed he has extremely loose boundaries, and how that can be harmful to clients. He gave me a few examples of things he has heard about him or experienced himself. He was bashing my beloved T.....It hurt me to hear this. Did he really need to do this? Is this really going to help me get over him, is this going to help me trust and form a good relationship with new T? Or am I going to fight to the death to protect what my Ex and I had together and how important he was to me, regardless of his reputation. I could simply stop discussing him but I was hoping to work through this grief with my new T,
now I'm not sure if I even want to bring him up again. I dont like holding back anything from my therapists. But the one thing I am sure to keep private is that I am still in contact my Ex.

I wrote to him later basically defending my EX-T, praising his devotion to me, how he saved my life, how he was always there for me, and always treated me with respect. Yes, I know he didn't exactly fit into the Therapist's mold, and did some unconventional things, but that's what I loved about him, his passion for life and for his clients.

So I'm feeling very mixed emotions towards new T. Did he do right by me revealing all of this to someone who was so close to me for seven years? I'm confused how to feel now, I hate to think our developing relationship has been damaged. I'm sure he was only trying to help me unattach.

[NowhereUSA]

I don't personally find it professional to talk negatively about a former peer in the profession (there maybe instances it's okay, so I'm talking in generalities). I like my T. Whenever I eventually move and have to pick another T, I'm sure that T will have critiques of my current T and I would expect him or her to keep their trap shut and help me process into a new therapeutic relationship.

That said, I think you're right that he's trying to help you unattached. And it does sound like (from what I've read) that you idealize your T and maybe don't have a very complete picture of him... (which is hard for any of us).

[harvest moon]

IMO, you are right to feel a bit unsure about the way he handled it..
Revealing you "stuff" about your ex-T doesn't sound to me like the most helpful and beneficial way to elaborate further on what you trusted your new T with. Could you explain a little further what you mean by "he gave me a few examples of things he has heard about him or experienced himself"? What was his tone when he described these things? Where there undertones of disapproval towards your ex-T?

[unaluna]

When i found out something off-putting about my t, the consulting t i spoke with just asked me if i felt i could still work with him, if he could still help me, even if i knew he wasnt mr perfect. I think the same think kinda applies here. We are all just human. From what you have written, there may have been some very minor misunderstandings, but nothing ever actually happened. So its like having a second chance to think about what effect a past teacher or coach actually had on your life, now that youre older and can understand and appreciate it better.

[HazelGirl]

Can you talk to new T about how his comments made you feel?

[CantExplain]

T should simply have said that exT produces a powerful emotional impact on a lot of people and that some of his techniques are not entirely orthodox.

[Ididitmyway]

I can understand the impulse to talk about your ex-T's reputation, but professionalism is something your current T should have put first. No matter how compelled he felt to talk about your ex-T's reputation, this is not about him and his feelings and opinions about your ex-T, this is about your grief, the remaining attachment or whatever else you needed to talk about. That being said, if your current T feels so strongly about your ex-T's reputation that it becomes an obstacle for him to leave the space open for your emotions to be explored, then he should refer you out and not force himself to deal with something he is not capable of dealing or so it looks like.

I can't speak to whether or not you can work things out with this therapist and move forward, but I can say that it's inappropriate for him to have done that. It's no different than if you came to session to mourn the death of your husband and your therapist said your late husband was a known cheat and your relationship was a lie, as if that was supposed to help you get over the loss. It's just not helpful.

[msxyz]

What bothers me about this is that your therapist sounds like he thinks his way is the right way and not that different people have different styles and that there isn't one right approach for everybody. He didn't have to point out that it may be harmful, it is understood anything may be harmful.

[Bill3]

An attack on a person beloved to a client often feels like an attack on the client. T might mean well, but it was an unskillful maneuver.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Bill3

An attack on a person beloved to a client often feels like an attack on the client. T might mean well, but it was an unskillful maneuver.

Yeah, it sounds more like a blunder to me than just a desire to trash the former therapist.

The problem I see in this is that he made it more about his own feelings about your former therapist, when his role is to allow you to process your feelings about him.

[PaulaS]

I think it´s very important to feel that you can talk to your T about anything without being judged. It´s one thing getting different perspectives on things, in this case your former T, but another to feel judged and in a way being told that you´re feelings wasn´t appropriate. As your former T obviously did a very great job with some of his clients but not to others there´s no ground for judging him.

I should say it´s more important to look into why you felt this way towards your former T and in some way help you grieve, if that´s what you need. I would personally be very observant to how this progresses, if I felt my new T kept ignoring, diminishing or in some other way made me feel bad about my sincere feelings for something, I would find another T if possible.

I´m myself in a situation where I was terminated and in my contact with a new T I will absolutely have to be able to talk about my former T and what happened in therapy with her. If a new T isn´t willing to discuss it, it won´t work.

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I finally told my new therapist how depressed and grieving I am feeling over my former T retiring. He has been gone for 2 months now and my grief seems worse not better.
My new T and I have not really addressed my feelings for my Ex-T. I finally disclosed to him that I fell in love with him and I was having a hard time unattaching myself from him.

I dont know if he was trying to discourage my feelings, or trying to explain why I fell in love with EX-T, but I sat there as my new T told me that the "issue" with my Ex is that he had a very mixed reputation in the community. Some of his clients say he saved their lives...I'm one of them. And that he has heard so many things about him from clients and other clinicians over the years that showed he has extremely loose boundaries, and how that can be harmful to clients. He gave me a few examples of things he has heard about him or experienced himself. He was bashing my beloved T.....It hurt me to hear this. Did he really need to do this? Is this really going to help me get over him, is this going to help me trust and form a good relationship with new T? Or am I going to fight to the death to protect what my Ex and I had together and how important he was to me, regardless of his reputation. I could simply stop discussing him but I was hoping to work through this grief with my new T,
now I'm not sure if I even want to bring him up again. I dont like holding back anything from my therapists. But the one thing I am sure to keep private is that I am still in contact my Ex.

I wrote to him later basically defending my EX-T, praising his devotion to me, how he saved my life, how he was always there for me, and always treated me with respect. Yes, I know he didn't exactly fit into the Therapist's mold, and did some unconventional things, but that's what I loved about him, his passion for life and for his clients.

So I'm feeling very mixed emotions towards new T. Did he do right by me revealing all of this to someone who was so close to me for seven years? I'm confused how to feel now, I hate to think our developing relationship has been damaged. I'm sure he was only trying to help me unattach.

[HolisticGal]

I'm going to depart a bit from the trend. For me, I'd rather know then not know. Even if I don't want to hear it at the time, I'd like to know what other professionals think of one another - similar to obtaining a reference. I'd rather know then not know, even if that includes the new T perhaps over sharing. That's just another factor I now have in my consideration to stay or leave if this style is too bothersome for me.

[CantExplain]

The therapists around here have never even heard of each other.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by MASIMO

I finally told my new therapist how depressed and grieving I am feeling over my former T retiring. He has been gone for 2 months now and my grief seems worse not better.
My new T and I have not really addressed my feelings for my Ex-T. I finally disclosed to him that I fell in love with him and I was having a hard time unattaching myself from him.

I dont know if he was trying to discourage my feelings, or trying to explain why I fell in love with EX-T, but I sat there as my new T told me that the "issue" with my Ex is that he had a very mixed reputation in the community. Some of his clients say he saved their lives...I'm one of them. And that he has heard so many things about him from clients and other clinicians over the years that showed he has extremely loose boundaries, and how that can be harmful to clients. He gave me a few examples of things he has heard about him or experienced himself. He was bashing my beloved T.....It hurt me to hear this. Did he really need to do this? Is this really going to help me get over him, is this going to help me trust and form a good relationship with new T? Or am I going to fight to the death to protect what my Ex and I had together and how important he was to me, regardless of his reputation. I could simply stop discussing him but I was hoping to work through this grief with my new T,
now I'm not sure if I even want to bring him up again. I dont like holding back anything from my therapists. But the one thing I am sure to keep private is that I am still in contact my Ex.

I wrote to him later basically defending my EX-T, praising his devotion to me, how he saved my life, how he was always there for me, and always treated me with respect. Yes, I know he didn't exactly fit into the Therapist's mold, and did some unconventional things, but that's what I loved about him, his passion for life and for his clients.

So I'm feeling very mixed emotions towards new T. Did he do right by me revealing all of this to someone who was so close to me for seven years? I'm confused how to feel now, I hate to think our developing relationship has been damaged. I'm sure he was only trying to help me unattach.

I'd feel confused too. I think, for me at least, it would rub me up the wrong way. I think many people on your situation might feel quite protective of their ts. I'm not saying it's a deal breaker, but would leave me questioning a lot. What's the motivation in saying these things? Are they therapeutic and do they benefit the my therapy?

[HolisticGal]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I'd feel confused too. I think, for me at least, it would rub me up the wrong way. I think many people on your situation might feel quite protective of their ts. I'm not saying it's a deal breaker, but would leave me questioning a lot. What's the motivation in saying these things? Are they therapeutic and do they benefit the my therapy?

I agree - we should be aware if the line of questioning is related to therapy. I had a situation in which my ex T was asking repeatedly irrelevant questions. He also went over on his time with me routinely which made me uncomfortable about his time management skills. And he was late 20 minutes and would not pick up or call me while I waited in confusion. He also seemed paranoid about leaving voice messages; nor did he use email or text. This T had his own issues and so I left him. I don't think it was the irrelevant questions alone that made it clear for me - but it was a vital part of it.

Would I ask him to not ask irrelevant questions? Nope. I let them run as they wish so I can see their true colors before I invest further.

[MoxieDoxie]

My xT refers clients to my T now for EMDR. My T now had to help me deal with issues that happened with my xT that caused me distress.