[Partless]

I've had a couple of Ts tell me to keep track of my triggers. I keep "forgetting" to do it. But it's not forgetting, I'm just sick and tired of it. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a minefield. After PTSD, so many different things trigger me, there is no darned link between them either.

A family member comes home looking upset but denies anything...and I suddenly find myself with all these somatic symptoms. I think, Oh trigger..again. Argument online...trigger. Bad sleep...trigger. Body pain...trigger. Feel like I'm catching a cold...trigger. Read about war in Middle East...trigger. Suddenly come across an old friend's name online...trigger.

And I don't mean minor triggers, I mean like full on, with the pain and fear and sickly feeling, etc. Sometimes I have weeks when I have back to back triggers, several big ones a day and suddenly I find myself with face full of beard and haven't taken a shower in a whole week, and I realize I haven't left the apartment in ten days, and have to go out cause I'm out of canned food. I dust myself off, shave, bathe, feel hopeful, go out, and in the evening mom calls...and suddenly I'm up till 6 am...feeling sickly again.

It's funny or maybe sad, sometimes I kind of envy people who have only particular phobias, like flying phobia. As awful as it would be if they had to fly, they could still live their lives without having to fly. Or rather, how often do they have to fly...surely not every few days! In short, they could avoid the trigger, they know what it is, it's so big, so obvious. Not mine... (btw, I'm not making light of flying phobia, just using it to illustrate my point, I'm sure that phobia is a hell of its own).

My therapists have said medications I'm taking won't solve much if I don't do the homework. Like what triggered me, when, how long it lasted, etc. But frankly I'm ****ing tired of it. Sometimes I find myself confusing myself on purpose or making myself numb. I also reason, if I become hopeful, I won't get hurt so badly when I get triggered again. So I stay in my own **** for as long as I can. When you hit bottom, there is a sick kind of safety in there. But when you get up, try to dig yourself out, and you keep getting punched in the stomach, that's much worse.

I have no idea how people with bipolar can do it, going from one extreme to another, cycling like that. Well, with PTSD mixed with depression and anxiety and my OCD, it's no picnic either. I have good days and then I think God please, let me remember the good feeling. I even make a note of it, like almost try to grab it, keep it...but it slips away...and just a memory...and I'm back in the minefield again. I sit down, hug myself, and don't move. If I don't move, I won't step on a mine, I won't die. But when you stop moving out of fear, that's a different kind of death too.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Do you mind if ask what meds your on? I have 3 out of the 4 MH issues you talk about (ptsd, anxiety and depression), along with others. Triggers are a hard thing to navagate, especially with ptsd and anxiety. Sometimes it can feel your whole life is spent avoiding situations you know will be triggering, staying home in your safe environment, and only venturing out after dark or when no one is around to set in motion a trigger. But, what I wanted to say is that since my meds have kicked in, I have been able to handle triggers so much better, I am aware enough to recognise them and understand what's going on. Interestingly, while I don't have ocd, one of the meds I'm on is sometimes used to treat it. Let me know if you want to know what meds have been working for me.

[unaluna]

I get you. Even friends trigger me, and they should be a positive experience. But its too much. I tend to disappear from myself, i dont know how else to describe it. You have given a great desciption tho.

[SnakeCharmer]

Long story with a point ...

So ... really bad things happened when I was a kid and I started having PTSD symptoms, although back then nobody would have said that about a kid. I suffered all through my growing up and then started doing something about it in my early 20s. Got a lot better. Then something else bad happened and the symptoms came back. Worked on them and got better. Then something hugely awful and traumatic and beyond comprehension happened and the whole thing took two full years to unfold before any glimmer of recovery could take place. Awful. Everything triggered me. Everything. A look. A line at the grocery. The tone in which someone said hello. Never mind things directly related.

I was running around triggered and distressed and in bad shape constantly. Awful. A wreck. A mess. Hollow eyed, dragging and in pain. Nobody could understand, nobody. Or that's what I told myself. I wanted to huddle into a ball to avoid all those ugly triggers.

Then I figured out almost none of those things were really triggers. I was doing something that's called false attribution. If I felt a flood of distressing emotion, I would blame whatever was happening around me at the moment and call it a trigger and try to avoid it in the future. But everything was triggering me, so that meant I wanted to stay home. Getting dressed distressed me -- oh, god, don't get dressed and it'll stop.

But that was all B.S. My nervous system was on red alert, poised to react at any moment and it didn't matter what was going on, sometimes it just went off all on it's own or because a random thought passed through my mind.

About 95% of my supposed triggers were the result of me making a faulty cause and effect connection. That's a false attribution. The trigger was really just there coincidentally when my nervous system went off.

I figured I was going to react no matter what I did, even if it was staying in bed. So I tossed out my belief that all those things were triggers and decided to get on with my life and that's what I'm doing to this day.

Every single day, no matter how bad I feel, even if I have the worst case of the flu in the world (I did manage to get swine flu so I'm not exaggerating) I get up, eat breakfast, take a shower, do my face and hair, get dressed, go for a short or long walk or go to the gym, talk to friends, keep the cupboards stocked, cook meals, clean the house, do my job, come home, pay attention to my close family and extended family, do meditation, do all the things I'd do if I was perfectly well.

Amazingly, that made feel a lot better, even when I was dragging my ***, in significant pain, feeling terrible. Putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on proved to me that the problem was not external triggers, it was my own nervous system and thoughts and my false attributions which were making me fearful to do anything because I had wrongly thought that everything was setting me off. It was my nervous system and thoughts that were causing my distressing bodily sensations and emotions.

So I worked to calm down my nervous system (proper nutrition, vitamins, meditation, yoga, biofeedback, vigorous exercise.) I worked on my thoughts and beliefs (REBT, cognitive distortions, choice therapy.) I discovered that I had a recurring thought whispering to me ... I can't stand this. I can't stand this. I can't stand this. Whenever I had that thought my nervous system would fire away with stress hormones. So I started working on that false belief. It was false because I'd actually been standing things all my life. Maybe not liking them, but not letting them put me down. I'm too damn stubborn for that. Some people call it a character flaw but it's kept me going.

I can stand a lot of stuff. I can certainly stand a line at the grocery check out or red light or getting out of bed. I may not like it. I may hate it. But I can ****ing stand it.

If everything -- everything -- is triggering you, I'd be willing to wager you six empty pop cans that your nervous system is on red alert, going off at any little thing and those external things aren't really triggers. They just happen to be there when your nervous system fires. You probably have some thoughts you're not really aware of that help keep your nervous system on red alert, something like my "I can't stand it."

My strong suggestion is to start every day by cleaning up and getting dressed and eating, even if it feels like those things trigger you. Make it a habit. If you're already cleaned up, it makes it a lot easier to go buy food. If you're already cleaned up it makes it easier to go outside, to meet friends, to do what you need to do. When you first start, it may take hours to accomplish. A shower may exhaust you. Finding clean clothes may seem overwhelming. It will get better. It will. I promise. When I started, it took about 3 hours to accomplish. Now it takes about 30 minutes. It went from awful to normal, but it did take a while, a couple months of doing it, until if finally just happened without trouble.

You can stand it. And maybe you'll discover that you have far fewer triggers than you think. I have a handful, mostly related to ... oh, nevermind. Ugly stuff that probably trigger a lot of people. All that other stuff, it was just my whacked out nervous system over-reacting to everyday life in a random and confusing way. Not external triggers at all.

I feel great compassion for anyone who is suffering through the kind of thing I went though, through the trauma and then the problem of everything feeling like a trigger. It's pretty damn awful. I'm a lot better these days. There are very few things I want to avoid. It no longer feels necessary. Figuring out the whole false attribution thing was a first step to me moving forward.

I wish you the best.

[Partless]

I'm feeling better today. Thanks Hankster for your post and sharing. Thanks all people who sent thank yous and hugs, I appreciate it, makes me feel not alone and all warm, like a group hug. Who would have thought little electronic hugs can do that, but somehow they can.

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

Do you mind if ask what meds your on? I have 3 out of the 4 MH issues you talk about (ptsd, anxiety and depression), along with others. Triggers are a hard thing to navagate, especially with ptsd and anxiety. Sometimes it can feel your whole life is spent avoiding situations you know will be triggering, staying home in your safe environment, and only venturing out after dark or when no one is around to set in motion a trigger. But, what I wanted to say is that since my meds have kicked in, I have been able to handle triggers so much better, I am aware enough to recognise them and understand what's going on. Interestingly, while I don't have ocd, one of the meds I'm on is sometimes used to treat it. Let me know if you want to know what meds have been working for me.

Sure, ThingWithFeathers, wouldn't mind exchanging recipes. So for my part, here's what I'm on: I'm on Paxil for anxiety/depression, low dose risperidone for the agitation when the PTSD or anxiety just takes over and I can't relax at all and I'm suffering too much, and then trazadone for sleep initiation, and clonidine for my crazy heart beats and some other body symptoms like sweating, and finally some anti-seizure med...the name escapes me...which is also supposed to help me sleep (I don't sleep till early in the morning, partly cause when I start to sleep better and sooner, nightmares start and so the PDoc I saw couple months ago thought this might help).

I used to take benzos for sleep but I used them for a couple of years kind of got addicted on them so the withdrawal sucked and I got terrible rebound insomnia, not to mention that after a month or so the medicine had lost its effectiveness anyways and I could not go off of it for that reason. I try relaxation and other methods too, to help me sleep. But sleep is a big part of my issues. If you look at timing of my posts, you'll see I sometimes post in the middle of the night and so that's reason.
Anyhow, I think that covers it but let you know if I forgot something. But it's the side effects that usually worry me especially because we have a very strong diabetes family history, among other things. But main thing is me feeling better, and being able to leave home and start doing something, so if I can somehow feel better, side effects are secondary concern.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I hear you about the sleep issues, I can't go to bed before 2am and no matter what time the next day I just can't wake up. Benzos are dangerously addictive for me too, so I mostly stay aware from them. My sleep is a huge issue, but not my primary focus. I have been given escitalopram (lexapro) foy anxiety and depression. That alone didn't work, so I'm now on a high dose and (due to a crisis I had) I have been prescribed olanzapine (zyprexa) as a mood stabliser. The olanzapine has worked a treat for my anxiety, sui and ptsd symptoms. I have, so far, had no side effects from either med. Unfortunately, given your family history of diabetes, olanzapine may not be an option for you, as it is known to cause diabetes in some cases. No one med suits or fits everyone, so it's hard to know what will work. Grom my little experience, I've just realised that you shouldn't be living in a state of panic all the time. When you're anxiety is so debilitating it interrupts your life and the way you interact with the world, then meds should., at least in part, help. I'm sorry you haven't found the right combination yet. While doing your t homework is important, if there's a chemical imbalance, no amount of homework will help.

[winter4me]

It might help if your helpers could focus, at least for now, on things that will relieve the symptoms & get you through. And on being able to feel the reactions coming on before they erupt (a warning is nice, then you can try some things ...)
The right combination of meds and behavioral practices over time can change things...
though it is never perfect...methinks.

[AncientMelody]

Yes, it does get tiresome trying to sort out triggers for an anxiety episode. "Floating anxiety" that I can't pinpoint a cause annoys the heck out of me.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Long story with a point ...

VERY VERY LONG post, sorry:

Snake Charmer, I have to say this, I haven't read that many posts of yours, but the majority of the ones I've read seem to come from a place that has a been-there-done-that quality to it, a kind of wisdom and heart that has lived through great suffering but has come out of it wiser and bigger than the obstacles it has faced. You're an old soul, a rarity. So needless to say, I really appreciate you sharing about your own struggles and putting in the great time to make a such a wonderful post in response to my post. Your post spoke to me in an unusually personal way.

While reading this post, I felt much sadness and anger also at unfairness and unpredictability of life, especially, "Then something hugely awful and traumatic and beyond comprehension happened..." As if you had not suffered enough! I can't say my reaction was necessarily pure sympathy: I have my own reasons. Part of me is mad at the universe/God for not guaranteeing that once something really awful happens, you've "paid your dues" then the future is gonna be not necessarily smooth but at least bearable. One of the things about PTSD is this feeling of having been overwhelmed, given more than could have digested emotionally. And after that, you start to see danger all over the place; you are, as you noted, always on alert. I'm always physically very tense. Part of reason I can't sleep. Once in a rare while, when a part of my body relaxes a bit and old feelings resurface, it actually freaks me out - it's that rare!

In any event, I also felt strong connection and identification with your story. This line could have been written by me, just exactly this line: "Everything triggered me. Everything. A look. A line at the grocery. The tone in which someone said hello. Never mind things directly related." Yes to all. PTSD makes you think you not gonna live long. I used to plan for future, and live life as if safety was the norm and bad things were the exception and that even when they did happen, I could handle them somehow. But now I just live in the now cause I see no future. I act as if danger is the norm. My T would say just go out of the apartment, but first somatic reaction I would get and I freak out as I was getting the flu or some weird illness or dying and would come home, hoping I'll be fine.

Your explanation of false attribution really helped. Really. I think that explains a lot about how I feel and behave these days. In fact, as soon as I read it, I felt a sense of lightness, as if maybe, just maybe, things are not as horrible as I imagine them to be. Maybe the world is not a minefield. Maybe I was not deluded, ten years ago, to think I could go out, go to college, go shopping, go to a restaurant with a few friends, and not worrying about dying or getting severely sick, getting hurt on the bus, get food poisoning in restaurant, getting some rare virus....My sense of self used to be solid.That's why it all used to be so much easier.

Now even going to the local store, just three blocks away, makes me so anxious. This PTSD thing has made my usually mild OCD type symptoms get out of control as well, as you can imagine. But the worst thing is that me staying home all day has not made things better. I just get less somatic symptoms because less new triggers. There's less unpredictability. But bad things could happen to me at home still. And time won't stop, I will get older, I will get diseases...I can't stop time or reality of life...and most importantly, this way of living already feels like death anyways. What am I doing everyday, my home my cage, danger everywhere, just waiting for sweet death and escape?

I also appreciate your sensible suggestions about how to try to organize my day and get going, trying to stick to a schedule and have discipline. And you're absolutely right, shower seems exhausting, and I hate having to look for clean clothes. I actually had a pretty stressful day last week, after delaying doing my laundry several days, I had to do it but laundry machines were occupied and I had to make three trips to the basement of the building to wash my clothes. And that's literally all I did that day. Literally. Which was still better than the day before, because I had done nothing, just watch TV, eat canned food and sleep. But anyhow, to read that things can get better and did get better for you (despite you having dealt with a terrible trauma) certainly gives me hope. Like you're not just saying it, you've been through it, you're been in the war zone, you have the scars to prove it...

Lastly, as I mentioned in few other threads before, my major trauma happened when my sister, over a period of several years, was very suicidal and my family had no diagnosis on her and nobody knew what was going on with her (there was various unexplainable symptoms too, they thought maybe she had a tumor, she was suffering greatly). She was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital several times, once nearly a year. She hated herself, she hated the whole family and wanted everybody dead, and I got traumatized being witness to all this because I saw helpless in me, in doctors, and in my parents. I also saw my parents were much less helpful or loving than I had assumed they were. The trauma made me have frightening flashbacks of times from my childhood when I was abused or felt helpless outside or in other circumstances. Like my childhood fears resurfaced.

Anyhow, when my sister was in hospital, my dad kept disappearing in guise of necessary business trips, my mom cycled between being very loving and actively sabotaging my sister's treatment in various ways (mom has a long history of being abused as a young girl, and she has been abusive towards us many times but I was absolutely shocked that she could not control that part of her from coming out just when my sister needed her the most, as a result I suddenly started to feel real frightened of my mom, even wondering if she would do the same if I was seriously sick and in need of help).

Though my sister did survive all this, she lives almost as a shadow of her old self, on many medications, and barely recalls those years; me on the other hand, I seem stuck in the past. Every time I go over to mom and dad and sister is there, everything triggers me BIG TIME (compared to thousand other unrelated things that trigger me daily). If sister looks slightly upset, trigger. If dad says he is thinking of potential business trip in a year, trigger. If mom lies about something just to get a reaction from my sister, again trigger. My T had told me I can't change my parents, nor my sister...just me. So hard to accept.

Those traumatic things happened years ago (last 5 years no major crisis with my sister) but I'm almost still in the same mindset, like as if it's still those years, when I would be home and suddenly hearing the phone ring and feeling anxious and me inside telling myself with rage, "don't let it be her, don't let it be her acting crazy again, I can't take it..." and hearing mom telling me, "She disappeared again," or "She's suicidal again," or "she refuses to answer the phone and threatened your dad,"...and I knew it would be at least several more months of this unbearable stress. Then hospital..new meds...okay...till next episode. Again, thank God last five years, no major crisis. Yet I live my life as if it's still the same situation or even if she never goes back, somebody else will have some major crisis. It feels safe at home, the world is dangerous, and I don't want to face another possible trauma. I'm gonna die if another big one hits me. But I read your post and I say, Come on...don't give up...it's in your head...though there are no guarantees, it's very unlikely I'll face another huge trauma...here's a way out of this miserable suffering state I'm in...I'm strong...resilient...I can do this!

thank you

[SnakeCharmer]

Partless, I had tears in my eyes as I read your post, the kind of tears that come from sharing and knowing connection and understanding are there. Thank you.

There is hope for us, for anyone like us, I know that to be true from hard experience and I hope with the help of your T you'll start making steps forward. I wish you the best and I'll be thinking about you, especially if you have to be around your family for Thanksgiving. None of that sounds like false attribution. Real triggers. Hard stuff.

In the meantime, I wish you a daily shower, shampoo, face and hair presentable, finger and toenails clipped nicely, and clean clothes. A good accomplishment. Then -- if you're anything like I was when I first decided to make that my daily goal -- you may have to rest for an hour because it feels exhausting. At first, I even had to sit down in the shower because I was too weak from stress to stand for long. Yeah, it was that bad. The body was protesting loudly. But it does get better with practice. Daily practice. Every single day.

I know you and I aren't the only people on these forums who've experienced having nervous systems so poised to alarm that everything feels like an overwhelming trigger. Can't be. Thanks for sharing your story. I really appreciate it.