[granite1]

Thank god I think my T is over her kick of sitting there and staring at me saying nothing. when we got to her office she sat down and asked me how my thanksgiving was . I told her that I hung out with my husband and we cooked dinner and so on .that it was relaxing . that I no longer did the family thing . her response was that was a good thing considering my family . It took almost everything I had but I asked her if she was angry and frustrated with me last week. that I felt she was and couldn't figure out what I did. she said she was not and wanted to know if I felt this way when she was talking to me about my son. we talked about my son and how she wants me to know that what he is going through is normal. she is trying to help me in how to deal with some of the stuff he is throwing at me . my son has always been an easy boy to deal with .im not finding it easy to deal with the stuff he is throwing at me. my T has been unexpectedly helpful with keeping me realistic with this. but in the end this was not what I was meaning when I asked if she was angry at me. I finely just came out with asking her more directly if she gets angry at me when I talk to her about the mother. she told me absolutely not .she asked me if I have been feeling like she has . I told her that I was totally confused and couldn't figure it out but have tried to figure it out . she said that she has never been mad at me . I actually told her that she seemed so so angry at me when I told her about the mother leaving me outside on the porch when I cried to much. she said that she was angry that I was treated that way and that she sees the mother as being abusive. at least this time she seemed calm and not angry at all. she said that I was completely detached from that baby. I told her that I don't even remember what it felt like .that it was my grandmother that told me how the mother would do this. she said that she knew this but that these things still affected me .and that eventually I was going to need to talk about it and deal with it . she said that she knows it will be painful and hard for me .she also said again that she will hold that for me until i am ready to do this for myself. I don't under stand what she means by this. that she will no longer push me to talk about this stuff, or that she will no longer show me that she is angry about what went on . I don't know and couldn't ask her . she says that I still hold onto the fact that at some point the mother will become the mother that I always wanted . that I keep protecting her and continue to come up with reasons she treated me the way she did when in reality there was no excuse. I guess that is the issue between us . I know what I was like as a child and she doesn't care . I was horrible . I wish she could help me deal with the fact that I was horrible and not easy to deal with and to be ok with that. i want to tell her everything that went on as I was growing up but the thought terrifies me. so many risks . especially if she gets angry at such a minor issue as the mother putting me on the porch because I was crying to long. if that angers her what would she feel at the rest of my story. how do T sit there all day and listen to such horrible things ? how do they not become cynical ?

[feralkittymom]

You know, Granite, you assume that anger is a negative, scary, bad emotion--so if anyone feels it in response to something you've shared, you think the anger is like a weapon pointed at you. Perhaps because you're too afraid to feel your own anger--and so she'll keep it for you until you're ready to get closer to it. But anger is also powerful and can be a source of productive energy. It can motivate people to take action towards a good result. Righteous anger. As children, if our parents show anger toward us, or exhibit out of control anger, it's very, very scary. I think it's your child perception that is responding to your T's feelings of anger. But you can try to see her anger from your adult perception. You may be confused by it--what is she angry about?--but not necessarily threatened by it. Anger that a baby was neglected can be a form of empathy. You are disconnected from that baby, so don't feel the empathy in her anger. But your T does.

[Soccer mom]

I just recently asked my T. if she was mad. She called our relationship contentious and it bothered me until my next session. She has pointed out several times that I project onto her how I used to see my mother react - negatively. I'm always assuming she's mad or frustrated when she's not at all.
Perhaps we should believe that if they really are mad or frustrated, they will let us know. Or, you could ask her to let you know. That way you know she's not all the other times.
She's not going to be angry at you for mistakes you made. You were a CHILD. She is angry at your caregivers who were ADULTS and should have known better. Why don't you take small risks and tell her little things to see how she reacts. I bet you will be pleasantly surprised. When you see her react empathetically, you will rewire your brain that you weren't horrible and it will be a healing experience.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T has admitted to being angry or frustrated with me (not my "story"). One time she owned up to it on her own, thr other time I asked. But both times she explained to me the emotion behind the anger. I still don't like that she was angry at me, but I'm glad she told me. It teaches me how to cope with both my own anger and other people's anger.

It's a good thing your T has feelings, least imo. It would be more difficult to disclose to someone who is void of feelings. I don't know if you know who Ben Stein is, but it would be like having him as a T. I would hate that.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

You were a CHILD. She is angry at your caregivers who were ADULTS and should have known better.

This is so important to remember, Granite.

You were surviving as best as you could manage despite neglect, and abuse. The adults were responsible for looking after you, the child. Not 'the adults were responsible for looking after you IF you behaved a certain way' but responsible full stop.

Babies cry, it's what they do. Some of them practically never stop for months, because of colic or because they are high-needs babies in other ways. That is always going to be hard for parents but is NO EXCUSE for neglect.

[rainbow8]

I agree with Indestructible Girl. YOU were not horrible. It's normal for babies to cry. Parents are responsible for their babies. Period!

I'm glad you were able to talk to your T and ask about her anger. That took courage. I'm also glad your T has been helpful with issues about your son.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

My T has admitted to being angry or frustrated with me (not my "story"). One time she owned up to it on her own, thr other time I asked. But both times she explained to me the emotion behind the anger. I still don't like that she was angry at me, but I'm glad she told me. It teaches me how to cope with both my own anger and other people's anger.

It's a good thing your T has feelings, least imo. It would be more difficult to disclose to someone who is void of feelings. I don't know if you know who Ben Stein is, but it would be like having him as a T. I would hate that.

Oh, ben stein is a sweetie, isnt he? The gruff stuff is an act. I used to read him in Esquire before he became all famous and i looooooooved him. I wouldnt like it if he brought a big red eyeball to sessions tho but ikwym - my previous t was ben stein-ish - very standoffish. I couldnt imagine hugging him in a hurricane if it meant me not blowing away!!

[stopdog]

I think I would like to have a Ben Stein like therapist.
Granite - I usually feel like the therapist acts all over-reacty to some of my story - I think it is something they are trained to do.