[HazelGirl]

I feel guilty for adopting my cat. I adopted her at the beginning of November, and I have felt guilty for it all month. I feel like I shouldn't have adopted a pet for my own enjoyment because that's selfish, and like I am not doing well at caring for her (although I'm doing as good as I can). I wonder if I hadn't adopted her, would she have gone to a better family eventually that took better care of her and spent more time with her? Am I the best owner for her? Do I have the best environment for her? Am I doing okay? Does she like me or dislike me?

It's also confusing to me that she seems to like me, because I don't see myself as very likable. So why does she show me affection and want to be near me? Does she feel forced into it? Does she tolerate me because I'm her only company? Does she wish she were somewhere else?

I have tried talking to my T about this stuff, but she seems confused about why I think this way. I have cried for hours thinking about how eventually she will get sick and die, even though she's only 4 years old and totally healthy. She's a wonderful cat and I don't feel like I deserve her. At the same time, I already can't imagine life without her. I have contemplated giving her back to the shelter where I got her so she has a chance at a better home, but I know that's irrational. It's just really confusing why I am feeling this way and what I should do.

[growlycat]

As an "older cat" --meaning not a kitten--her likelihood of being adopted is low, especially at kill shelters. You probably saved her life. Now that you are feeling like maybe you aren't doing enough, just redouble your efforts to feed her, keep fresh water change the box and give her attention. Vet stuff can come later especially if she is an indoor cat.

You are probably great for each other! I feel the same way often about my kitty--am I doing enough? He needs his teeth cleaned but I probably won't have the money till after the new year. I understand kitty guilt!

I have tried talking to my T about this stuff, but she seems confused about why I think this way. I have cried for hours thinking about how eventually she will get sick and die, even though she's only 4 years old and totally healthy.

Did you have those worries about yourself when you were little? Maybe you are projecting; that could explain the confusion.

[Petra5ed]

Cats aren't smart enough to fake liking someone... And a stray cat at a shelter could be adopted by a sicko, rich people buy pure bred pets. If you feed it, it will like you. It's actually bred to manipulate you into loving and feeding it by acting nice and looking cute. . Maybe watch some animal cops tv shows? Then you can compare and contrast animal abuse to your treatment of the cat .

To be more clear--if your parents used you to get your needs met in the past, that might be triggering the projections.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by growlycat

As an "older cat" --meaning not a kitten--her likelihood of being adopted is low, especially at kill shelters. You probably saved her life. Now that you are feeling like maybe you aren't doing enough, just redouble your efforts to feed her, keep fresh water change the box and give her attention. Vet stuff can come later especially if she is an indoor cat.

You are probably great for each other! I feel the same way often about my kitty--am I doing enough? He needs his teeth cleaned but I probably won't have the money till after the new year. I understand kitty guilt!

I know she might never have been adopted, but that doesn't seem to help the guilt much.

I feel like I am doing as much as I can. I noticed today that she has tapeworms (really easy for a cat to get and super easy to treat), so I ordered some medication for that. I don't know what else I could do for her, and yet, I don't feel like it's enough.

Originally Posted by mian síoraí

Did you have those worries about yourself when you were little? Maybe you are projecting; that could explain the confusion.

Originally Posted by mian síoraí

To be more clear--if your parents used you to get your needs met in the past, that might be triggering the projections.

Can you explain a little more? Like, did I worry that I'm not doing enough for my family as a kid?

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Cats aren't smart enough to fake liking someone... And a stray cat at a shelter could be adopted by a sicko, rich people buy pure bred pets. If you feed it, it will like you. It's actually bred to manipulate you into loving and feeding it by acting nice and looking cute. . Maybe watch some animal cops tv shows? Then you can compare and contrast animal abuse to your treatment of the cat .

I don't think I'm abusing her at all. I just don't know if I'm giving her the best possible life.

. I have cried for hours thinking about how eventually she will get sick and die, even though she's only 4 years old and totally healthy.

This part ^

Pets can be totally dependent on us, setting up the emotional triggers that lead to projection. Worried that she's not going to survive under your care made me wonder if that's how you felt as a little girl dependent on caregivers who were in fact inadequate.

That you cried for hours over what I quoted above is very telling...it might be your own disavowed pain.

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I know she might never have been adopted, but that doesn't seem to help the guilt much.

I feel like I am doing as much as I can. I noticed today that she has tapeworms (really easy for a cat to get and super easy to treat), so I ordered some medication for that. I don't know what else I could do for her, and yet, I don't feel like it's enough.

Can you explain a little more? Like, did I worry that I'm not doing enough for my family as a kid?

I don't think I'm abusing her at all. I just don't know if I'm giving her the best possible life.

Have you put her on some kind of flea protection? That's how she got the tapeworms in the first place, from fleas.

And please don't ever talk yourself into the idea that someone else would have adopted her from the shelter and that you should return her; most people adopt kittens.

[SoupDragon]

If you had all the time and money in the world, what else would you be doing for her?

[ThisWayOut]

sounds also like you are again falling into the trap of not believing you are good enough to be cared for and loved... was this not also something that came up around your birthday? and then manufacturing evidence about how unlovable you are? am I remembering correctly?

[Asiablue]

As a cat person, I can tell you right now, if she didn't like you she'd let you know that in no uncertain terms! She would hiss and spit at you, she wouldn't come near you. The fact that you think she seems to like you would indicate me that she does.

You should look up cat body language, it's really interesting and so enlightening. And it might put those fears to rest a bit.
If she's an indoor cat, make sure she has plenty of toys, they love the smell of catnip, play with her that will help give her exercise and both of you to bond.

I know how you're feeling probably isn't about the cat per se, but it you do everything you're supposed to for your cat, that will at least help.

[StressedMess]

Your cat is dependent on you and you feel inadequate to meet her needs. Kind of like your caregivers were with your needs? You think what they were capable of is all you will be capable of?

You are worthy of her love and you are a perfect pet owner, no question about it. We who had less than stellar parents have a drive within ourselves, to give more than we got. To do and say things differently and to love more.

Hugs!

[ThingWithFeathers]

I believe your beautiful cat is lucky to have met you. The fact that you think about your cat's feelings tells me that you care for your cat. If you care for your cat, you'll look after your cat. It might just take some time to get to know one another.

[BonnieJean]

Guilt is a feeling and while we can acknowledge, learn from, and accept our feelings, we can also try to let them go. My t is trying to teach me how to let go of some of my feelings so they don't have such a hold on me and my life. Work in progress.

It sounds like you are taking good care of the cat. I've always had a pet cat in the house and it is sad when they die. I don't look forward to it. Loss hurts but it is one of the risks that comes with love. Sort of like a fact of life, I guess.

Some things are exactly what they are and nothing more. If you let them, pets are good at helping us get out of our heads and not think about ourselves so much.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by mian síoraí

This part ^

Pets can be totally dependent on us, setting up the emotional triggers that lead to projection. Worried that she's not going to survive under your care made me wonder if that's how you felt as a little girl dependent on caregivers who were in fact inadequate.

That you cried for hours over what I quoted above is very telling...it might be your own disavowed pain.

Originally Posted by StressedMess

Your cat is dependent on you and you feel inadequate to meet her needs. Kind of like your caregivers were with your needs? You think what they were capable of is all you will be capable of?

You are worthy of her love and you are a perfect pet owner, no question about it. We who had less than stellar parents have a drive within ourselves, to give more than we got. To do and say things differently and to love more.

Hugs!

I didn't consider this aspect of it. Maybe that is the case? My T and I weren't sure at all why it was so overwhelming for me to consider the idea of her dying, but if it's connected to my own fears as a child, that would make sense. I don't remember feeling like that as a young child (although I don't hardly remember anything about myself as a young child). So I guess my answer is maybe?

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

Have you put her on some kind of flea protection? That's how she got the tapeworms in the first place, from fleas.

And please don't ever talk yourself into the idea that someone else would have adopted her from the shelter and that you should return her; most people adopt kittens.

She doesn't have fleas right now, and didn't have them in the shelter, so I am guessing she did at some point in the past and got the tapeworm then, and no one has noticed until I did.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

If you had all the time and money in the world, what else would you be doing for her?

Probably not much. I would buy a cat bed, but other than that, nothing different.

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

sounds also like you are again falling into the trap of not believing you are good enough to be cared for and loved... was this not also something that came up around your birthday? and then manufacturing evidence about how unlovable you are? am I remembering correctly?

I know that's part of it. That's why I feel selfish for adopting her and using her for my own company and comfort. I don't "deserve" that, and she doesn't deserve to have to tolerate me. At least, that's how the twisted portion of my brain works.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

As a cat person, I can tell you right now, if she didn't like you she'd let you know that in no uncertain terms! She would hiss and spit at you, she wouldn't come near you. The fact that you think she seems to like you would indicate me that she does.

You should look up cat body language, it's really interesting and so enlightening. And it might put those fears to rest a bit.
If she's an indoor cat, make sure she has plenty of toys, they love the smell of catnip, play with her that will help give her exercise and both of you to bond.

I know how you're feeling probably isn't about the cat per se, but it you do everything you're supposed to for your cat, that will at least help.

I have read every article online I can find about cat behavior. And my family has had cats my whole life. I know that you're right and that she does like me. It's just that creates inner cognitive dissonance between "she likes me" and "I am unlikeable" which just stresses me out.

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I believe your beautiful cat is lucky to have met you. The fact that you think about your cat's feelings tells me that you care for your cat. If you care for your cat, you'll look after your cat. It might just take some time to get to know one another.

I feel like we clicked immediately, and like she is absolutely perfect for me. But for some reason, that increases my guilt.

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

Guilt is a feeling and while we can acknowledge, learn from, and accept our feelings, we can also try to let them go. My t is trying to teach me how to let go of some of my feelings so they don't have such a hold on me and my life. Work in progress.

It sounds like you are taking good care of the cat. I've always had a pet cat in the house and it is sad when they die. I don't look forward to it. Loss hurts but it is one of the risks that comes with love. Sort of like a fact of life, I guess.

Yeah, and I have had cats die in the past. But for some reason, it's overwhelming to consider that with her. I think the above posters who said maybe I felt like my parents were inadequate and I'm projecting might be onto something with that.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

Some things are exactly what they are and nothing more. If you let them, pets are good at helping us get out of our heads and not think about ourselves so much.

She has helped with anxiety and stress and other things a lot because I can't just focus on myself at home. I have her to focus on.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I feel guilty for adopting my cat. I adopted her at the beginning of November, and I have felt guilty for it all month. I feel like I shouldn't have adopted a pet for my own enjoyment because that's selfish, and like I am not doing well at caring for her (although I'm doing as good as I can). I wonder if I hadn't adopted her, would she have gone to a better family eventually that took better care of her and spent more time with her? Am I the best owner for her? Do I have the best environment for her? Am I doing okay? Does she like me or dislike me?

It's also confusing to me that she seems to like me, because I don't see myself as very likable. So why does she show me affection and want to be near me? Does she feel forced into it? Does she tolerate me because I'm her only company? Does she wish she were somewhere else?

I have tried talking to my T about this stuff, but she seems confused about why I think this way. I have cried for hours thinking about how eventually she will get sick and die, even though she's only 4 years old and totally healthy. She's a wonderful cat and I don't feel like I deserve her. At the same time, I already can't imagine life without her. I have contemplated giving her back to the shelter where I got her so she has a chance at a better home, but I know that's irrational. It's just really confusing why I am feeling this way and what I should do.

I wonder if your guilt represents loyalty to a way of thinking about yourself that is distorted.

Maybe it's ok to just acknowledge and feel the guilt, but don't take action against it, because the guilt itself isn't objective.

I hope you find enough peace to enjoy your little kitty. It's a better honor of the kitty's life to enjoy her and accept her innocent love.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I'm so sorry you're feeling guilty about this, and I do understand. I felt horribly guilty when I purchased my show puppy a few years ago

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I feel like I shouldn't have adopted a pet for my own enjoyment because that's selfish, and like I am not doing well at caring for her (although I'm doing as good as I can).

I'd wager you're doing a great job taking care of your cat. Cats tend to let you know if they're not happy, and if your cat is wanting attention from you, then it's probably totally happy. Sometimes, it's okay to be selfish for things you want, like a pet. The cat is getting something out of this too - a safe, loving home. If you hadn't adopted her, or if you were to return her, there is a very, very good chance that she'd be put down. You've saved her live, and you get the companionship of your cat in return. Cats and dogs are COMPANION animals - it's their purpose to keep people happy. If you're enjoying her company, then you're both doing something right.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It's also confusing to me that she seems to like me, because I don't see myself as very likable. So why does she show me affection and want to be near me? Does she feel forced into it? Does she tolerate me because I'm her only company? Does she wish she were somewhere else?

I think you're getting in to some core belief stuff here - these beliefs that you're un-likeable or undeserving of affection. Cats are easy - if they like you, they show affection, if they don't like you, they won't come near you. The thing with animals is, they're very uncomplicated in this regard. There are no hidden motives, no lying, no eggshells to walk on. If you provide for the animal and show it affection, you will get affection in return. I think pets are a great way to practice accepting affection and accepting that you're not as horrible of a person as you might think. (At least it has been for me...)

Enjoy your cat, do the best you can, and accept the comfort she can offer you!

Oh - and on the subject of tapeworms...it takes a minimum of 21 days before you start to see tapeworm segments externally. So, she probably had them before coming to you. Treat her and she'll be fine. I've often had foster dogs come in with tapes - it's just kind of a given that a dog or cat from a shelter will have them. I've even had my own dogs get them a time or two - usually after catching and killing a bunny or squirrel or some other critter.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I wonder if your guilt represents loyalty to a way of thinking about yourself that is distorted.

Maybe it's ok to just acknowledge and feel the guilt, but don't take action against it, because the guilt itself isn't objective.

I hope you find enough peace to enjoy your little kitty. It's a better honor of the kitty's life to enjoy her and accept her innocent love.

I don't think I will actually bring her back. But I do consider it, when I feel really guilty.

But as for the loyalty to my thinking, probably. I don't think it's a conscious loyalty, but I do think there is one.

The nice thing about cats is they like to be left alone and when they do come by and purrs and rubs agents you that is there way of saying they love you .

Buy some cat nip they love it !

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

I'm so sorry you're feeling guilty about this, and I do understand. I felt horribly guilty when I purchased my show puppy a few years ago

I'd wager you're doing a great job taking care of your cat. Cats tend to let you know if they're not happy, and if your cat is wanting attention from you, then it's probably totally happy. Sometimes, it's okay to be selfish for things you want, like a pet. The cat is getting something out of this too - a safe, loving home. If you hadn't adopted her, or if you were to return her, there is a very, very good chance that she'd be put down. You've saved her live, and you get the companionship of your cat in return. Cats and dogs are COMPANION animals - it's their purpose to keep people happy. If you're enjoying her company, then you're both doing something right.

I think you're getting in to some core belief stuff here - these beliefs that you're un-likeable or undeserving of affection. Cats are easy - if they like you, they show affection, if they don't like you, they won't come near you. The thing with animals is, they're very uncomplicated in this regard. There are no hidden motives, no lying, no eggshells to walk on. If you provide for the animal and show it affection, you will get affection in return. I think pets are a great way to practice accepting affection and accepting that you're not as horrible of a person as you might think. (At least it has been for me...)

Enjoy your cat, do the best you can, and accept the comfort she can offer you!

Oh - and on the subject of tapeworms...it takes a minimum of 21 days before you start to see tapeworm segments externally. So, she probably had them before coming to you. Treat her and she'll be fine. I've often had foster dogs come in with tapes - it's just kind of a given that a dog or cat from a shelter will have them. I've even had my own dogs get them a time or two - usually after catching and killing a bunny or squirrel or some other critter.

I do think it's hard for me because of the knowledge that she is being honest. I see her trust me and come to me when she wants company and all that, and it's hard. There isn't a hidden agenda. And at the same time, she seems to be modeling a really healthy way of relating to others. She only comes when she wants to, and is eager to "ask" for what she wants or needs without hesitation. She doesn't do things out of guilt or obligation and has no fears of rejection of she "asks for too much". It's so different from me.

And about the tapeworms, I figured she had them before she got to me, too. She doesn't have fleas and isn't ever outside, so she must have had the tapeworms for a while.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Nature1968

The nice thing about cats is they like to be left alone and when they do come by and purrs and rubs agents you that is there way of saying they love you .

Buy some cat nip they love it !

My cat doesn't like cat nip. Only some cats do, and mine doesn't seem to care about it in the least.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I believe your beautiful cat is lucky to have met you. The fact that you think about your cat's feelings tells me that you care for your cat. If you care for your cat, you'll look after your cat. It might just take some time to get to know one another.

This.

You remind me of when mums feel despair and pain that they're not good enough mothers - well, the fact that you care enough to be concerned and voicing your concern means you are good enough! Because you earnestly take the time to look after your cat and worry about her wellbeing. **** mothers/ **** pet owners (narcs probably being the exception to this rule..) they either don't care or they don't confront the possibility in their minds that they might not be good enough.

HG I bet your cat is thrilled to be living with you now. She has landed on her feet. Enjoy her and the relationship you two will build up