dual relationships... should I have declined?

I saw T today and at the start of the session she told me she had to ask me something private and kinda dropped a bomb on me: Her eldest son has moved out and she now has no help with her horses when she goes on trips with her husband.
So she has asked me whether I sometimes could come to her house, sleep in their guest bedroom and look after her horses while she's away. She also said she'd pay me and we'd find an agreement as she's pretty generous. I was kinda dumbstrucked and said looking after the horses is no problem. But now I'm second guessing myself, especially as I'm not sure whether her youngest son (who is scared of horses, so can't look after them) would be there too. And even if I was alone I mean... staying at her house would just be weird...
And she only told me about the staying there part once I had said I could look after the horses.

I hope she won't ask me to do it anytime soon, because right now I can mainly see negatives. Looking after the horses would be fine, but I just see so many boundary issues and I wonder if this could become harmful for me in the longterm. I trust T that she doesn't want to do anything that may harm me, but she may not have thought of all the consequences....

Eh that's tough! I think it's innocent enough but you never know what could happen. Personally I would probably decline to avoid any problems with therapy. I just know that I personally have an issue with boundaries and I need to be careful with what I allow.

Although everything may be just fine for you, you never know I guess.

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Wow, that is a very unusual request from a therapist- especially with you sleeping in the house. It always depends on the person but for me would be really weird and I probably wouldn't do it.

I would say no as I wouldn't want to stay in her house. Looking after horses is one thing but sleepovers? No way.

That's kinda what I'm thinking too, but I also see how sleeping there makes sense as I'd have to let them out into the fields in the morning and bring them in at night and T lives an hour away from me...
I guess I'll look for a cheap hotel in the neighborhood....

I think it sounds like a bad idea. What if, God forbid, through no fault of your own, something were to happen--- horse got sick, burglar got into her house, pipe burst, etc. it could cause a huge rift and negatively impact your therapy. While these are "worst case" scenarios, something more minor could happen too-- she could think the horse looked "unhappy" when she got back, you could put the saddle in the wrong spot, or she could think her house looked "messy"-- or, if you cleaned up after yourself too well, she could think you thought she was messy and were tidying up because she didn't keep her house clean enough. I just think you could be opening up a huge can of worms with this whole situation.

I really do understand the desire to help out and say "yes" to your therapist. Still, I think it's a bad idea.

A few years ago, during a summer when I was not teaching and wanted to make a little extra money, I decided to apply for summer babysitting jobs. My T had lost her usual babysitter and was looking for a new one. She knows I'm great with kids, and said she thought her kids would love me. So there was a temptation for us both to say I should sit for her kids that summer-- but we both knew it was a bad idea and did not do it. There was too much risk of something going wrong, or it simply being too awkward to the point where it would Impact therapy. I just don't think its worth risking therapy over something like a babysitting gig or horse sitting. Therapy is just so important, especially when you find the "right" T! It's not easy to find a new T if something goes wrong.

Woah, that's an odd request from a T! Personally, I would think it's boundary crossing, as well as, as you say, dual relationship. The financial bit is tricky too...I'm sorry, no advice, but you have my sympathy for being in a tricky predicament.

I'm kind of confused why she even asked you. Are you like the horse whisperer or something? Does she have no one else that she trusts in her life? Are you in need of money and she is trying to help you? I don't get it.

I would wonder if it is more or less common in OP's country than in the US for example.

I wouldn't go as far as calling myself a horse whisperer, but I do have an university degree in equine science. I'm also in desperate need of money and moving out from my childhood home. So I guess the whole situation seems like a good deal as long as everything goes right.
But what if something bad happens? I would love to help her out, but can't afford losing her over this.

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Can you email her or call her and tell her that? That you want to but you aren't sure about it? Surely talking it through would help.

This is what I was thinking, and why I would personally say no. Also, sleeping in her house would be entirely too weird. ETA: she has no backup to care for her horses besides her kids? Surely her whole family has traveled before, oldest son included. She must've had someone care for them when that happened, no? Sorry you've been put in this awkward situation!

I think I will discuss this at the next session, nothing's set in stone yet, so there's no need to hurry.
She said something about having trusted them to someone else before, but that person didn't have much experience with horse and something went wrong. We have that in common that we care for our horses to the highest standards and don't easily trust someone to look after them.

It took me a minute to realize you were in a different country. I think because I'm in the US dual relationships feel... weird?

I guess in my head, it could work out, but there's always the risk that something could go terribly wrong and then you could lose both your T and a source of income. I don't know that I'd find the risk worth it.

Uh, I would not do that. Personally, I would run away, and run away quickly. I don't think that it is even ethical for a T to put a client in a relationship like that. I also think that is kind of strange for her to give that kind of treatment over other clients. It could create a sense of "specialness" in the relationship that could lead to other considerably less ethical things. If the relationship is good otherwise I would let her know that you are not ok with this, and that you don't want to be asked to do such favors in the future. If she pushes or asks for something like this again, I would find a new T right away.

A good chance to tell her you're going to practice saying no (that should make her happy) and then just work it out to take care of her horse (if that feels okay to you). If I remember correctly, she's a little slack on the boundaries (calling patients in front of you, leaving her appt book out), so this is not out of character for her. It's more about your comfort level.

that's a good way to say it! Actually at one point I wondered whether she was trying to get me to practice saying no, but she seemed genuinely happy when I agreed.

And a little slack on boundaries doesn't even begin to describe it. Sometimes I wonder whether that woman has any boundaries at all. I bet she has, but I've never really met them.

I've just thought about something else: she has all her files at home, and brings them into the office as needed. So while I wouldn't go sneak in there (except maybe my own file ) I don't think it's appropriate to give me any access. Of course they might be locked up in an office at her home, I've got no clue about that just talking hypothetically.

Your T was being unethical in that moment. She maybe good at her job, but in that moment she was not. Problem with duel relationships is that the client feels compelled to make thier T happy so they'll tell them what they want to hear. I'm not assuming that was the reason why you said yes, but it did put you in a awkward position.

My children take care of T's pets when she goes on vacation. We go over once a day to feed them (they have a pet door build in).

And I have spent the night before at her house while she was out of town. The first day she was gone we had an emergency at our home and could be there. She mentioned us stay at hers initially I declined as it would be weird. She insisted as it was unsafe for the kids to be in our home. She really didn't want us to go to a hotel as we couldn't really afford it. In the end we spending 3 nights at her home. It was weird but something my kids really needed. It really didn't effect our "working" relationship

the reason we declined initially was because hubby and I HATE depending on others

Jordy, do you know anyone else that you could recommend to take care of Ts horses (but not spend the night)?

Just thinking out loud: Sometimes in smaller communities (and I don't know if yours is small or not) dual relationships happen more frequently...

I can't imagine having access to my T's house. It just doesn't feel right....

I am sorry but this breaks her code of ethics. She could lose her license over this. What if your therapy went bad. She is crossing her professional boundaries. I know you need $$& and a place to stay and it is unfortunate that she can't find someone else but she could lose big time.

Just say that won't work for you. There are too many reasons to list why this is a bad idea but the previous posters covered most of them.

Why doesn't she just look online for a qualified horse/pet sitter in the area? If there is a University there that teaches equine science, they must have students/professors that are qualified to take care of horses for a few days. I can't imagine it would be that difficult to find someone else to do this.

When I travel, I sometimes have to find a pet sitter. Yes, it might be nicer if I had a friend (someone I know) to do the job but, sometimes, I have to use a professional service. I'm sure your T can figure it out, just like the rest of us do.

The university I went to isn't nearby... But still I have to tell her she needs to find someone else. I guess I agreed because I was caught unaware and I like feeling needed. But this is just a too big can of worms to even consider opening it.
Thanks for your advice it really helped me figure things out.

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