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#1
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So, a while back I mentioned that I had taken a break-I felt T was distant and kind of phoning it in. T emailed to ask me to come in to talk about counter transference. After some thought I did go in and heard about how I was triggering mother memories and that T was back in therapy because of this. T wanted to continue because it will help T's own work and because in the past we had "good flow." I was surprised and really thrown but agreed to schedule an appt and T was happy I hadn't "run away." Well, after sleeping on it I decided not to continue and left a very short and to the point email saying I wanted to discontinue therapy and please cancel appt. T did not respond in any way, not even to acknowledge the email. I am surprisingly hurt by this and can't seem to let it go. I had thoughts about maybe I was too harsh, rude, insensitive, but still I would have thought an acknowledgement would have been professional, and I could feel some closure. We had been working together for two years. Thoughts anyone?
Last edited by mountainclimber; Dec 12, 2014 at 06:22 PM. Reason: Added something- typo |
#2
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Holy %^#$ that guy has some nerve! I do remember your post about this. I cannot believe a) that he charged you for his disclosure and b) wants you to continue for his own benefit (at your expense). You were infinitely kinder than I would have been. I'd have stopped payment on my check and spray painted FRAUD on his car (well, maybe not that, but I would have thought about it a lot).
If you are not too upset by this, it would be worth seeing another therapist just to settle this for yourself and get some good advice on what an a**hat this guy is. |
![]() angelene, guilloche, JaneC, NowhereUSA, sailorboy
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#3
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LicketySplit said it wonderfully. That's nuts that he wanted you to continue, so that he could work through his stuff, while you were paying him! Yeah, wouldn't we all just LOVE someone to pay us for OUR therapy! Geez. Good for you for getting out.
I do think he should have acknowledged your email, so that you'd have confirmation that the session was cancelled. I'd keep the copy from your sent email box, if possible, so you have proof if he tries to say you didn't cancel. (Hopefully it won't come to that.) And, other than that, I wouldn't spend another second thinking that you did anything wrong. This one is 100% on him and his stuff. He's really unbelievable! |
#4
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It sounds like he needs to work harder in his own therapy. I'm sorry you're hurting but I agree you have nothing more to gain from this relationship.
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#5
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On the flip side...it's great that he acknowledged his counter transference so you could have validation of what you were experiencing. But I don't think you should have been asked to pay for that session. Anything past one session is totally based on your comfort with the situation.
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#6
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I'm torn about this too--great that he admitted "his stuff" but really bad that he wanted to work through it on your dime. Walking away seems completely reasonable!
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#7
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Wow, really god that he owned up to his own crap, but gee....asking you to come back to help him? On what planet did he think that was a good idea?? I think he needs a bit more supervision......kinda like a kick in the pants actually!!
You are amazing to have walked away from that!! |
#8
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Maybe I missed something, but I just feel like I took this whole thing a bit different (although I do understand people's interpenetration). I guess I just see the whole T saying that it would benefit him to continue to work with the op as his way of saying that doing therapy can have a benefit for the therapist too. It sounds to me like he was just committed to confronting whatever issues came up for him as the therapy progressed, and that he would be dealing with those issues in his own therapy. But I always assume that I help my therapist somehow with her own issues by allowing her to treat me. But maybe that's just me.
However, I totally understand not wanting to stay. It might upset me to know exactly what issues my T was getting help with by treating me. I think I would just always worry weather I was really befitting her. So I think its generally best that those things stay in a black box, and the most I ever want to know is that the box is in the room. I honestly think you T should have just said, "I'm sorry I was having some countertransference that related to my past. I'm working it out in my own therapy now, and I think that it would be good for both of us if we continued our work together, I'm sorry I stopped therapy so suddenly, that was a mistake." But the fact that he didn't respond to the email speaks volumes to me. I take it that he wasn't really ok with you leaving, so he couldn't say anything, and he might be overly enmeshed in the whole relationship. If your gut said to go, I really think that's best. I hope you can find a new more reliable T.
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Your faith was strong but you needed proof You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah --leonard cohen |
![]() anilam
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#9
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I'm having a hard time giving him kudos for acknowledging counter transference when he is still so clearly and deeply in denial. I could never have confidence in a T who was so wobbly in his understanding of his professional role. I think it's really good that you followed your instinct to say enough. Take whatever benefit you got from your therapy time with him, and carry it forward into the next therapy.
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![]() precaryous
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#10
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Sounds like you need to have this heart to heart with your T. Print this out and take it with you.
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#11
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At this point I agree with op not to go back. We are not there to take care of the therapist. The fact that the therapist did not briefly acknowledge op's last email is more proof, to me, that the therapist is out of touch with his professional role.
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#12
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Quote:
Thanks again. |
![]() Anonymous100330, Depletion, precaryous
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#13
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Many therapists believe that once a client terminates, it is inappropriate to contact them again, even to acknowledge an e-mail. Admittedly, his sense of boundaries is confused at best, but not responding isn't unusual.
I don't think counter transference, in and of itself, in any way negates the authenticity of therapy. The issue for me is that he doesn't seem to have the skill to handle his counter transference in a therapeutically professional way. The goal isn't necessarily for him to eliminate counter transference, but to explore and understand and be alerted to it so that it doesn't complicate your therapy--and that is accomplished through his own therapy/supervision. His apparent belief that it should be explored within your therapy is what is potentially damaging because it shifts the balance from your therapy being therapeutic for you, to your therapy being therapeutic for him. Were there times when his response to you seemed to not reflect you as you understand yourself? Probably, if his counter transference was strong. But it's not the transference that's the problem; it's the T being unaware of, or unable to separate out the transference from the relationship. But that is squarely the T's work to do, not yours. Maybe think of transference as a layer of perception, not the totality. It doesn't rob a relationship of authenticity because a relationship isn't one-dimensional, but it can color some interactions. Right now, you're understandably upset, but as the emotional dust settles, try to find what resonated for you, what helped you--that can serve as the basis for a relationship with another therapist. |
#14
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Holy carp.
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![]() NowhereUSA
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#15
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Yikes. Just. Yikes.
No, I wouldn't go back. Your therapy is about helping *you*, not helping your therapist. WTF dude?
__________________
It's a funny thing... but people mostly have it backward. They think they live by what they want. But really, what guides them is what they're afraid of. ― Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed |
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