[Tongalee]

As the holidays are coming up, I'm feeling very odd in therapy and how I feel towards my therapist. On one hand I'm longing for her in a childlike way: wishing I could spend Christmas with her, wishing she could hug me or sit and cuddle with me (wow, I can't believe I'm actually admitting that), etc. However, on the other hand, I don't want to want any of this so I'm trying to find ways to be with myself and not with her or the memory of her when I'm not in therapy.

A few weeks ago she wrote me a letter to hold onto for times when I'm in need of a reminder that things can and will be okay. During the break, which will be almost the weeks, I want to give this letter back to her to keep in the room. I don't want her to be upset by this, but I really can't keep it with me. I am really worried that the message would lose its meaning to me and instead the letter, which represents my therapist, will become a substitute for her presence. I found last year that when I was sad and hurting I reread many if her emails to me. I realized quickly that what was being said on the emails no longer mattered, just the fact that they were from her. Once I figured that out I deleted all of them. It's the exact same feeling, but I don't want that to happen with this letter because it is a great therapeutic letter!

I know I will be talking to my therapist about this next session, but I want to see if this makes sense and if anyone else experiences similar wants and worries.

[Petra5ed]

I think it's more normal than you might think. I just want to cuddle with my therapist, and he is on my mind all the time... like an obsession.

If you think returning the letter will help then go for it, why not? Since I'm dealing with the same issue maybe I'm no help, but I am under the impression the best way to control the feelings is to accept them and tolerate them in the understanding that feelings come and go, and when we struggle and fight against them they persist and get more difficult to manage. Good luck to both of us I guess!

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

On one hand I'm longing for her in a childlike way: wishing I could spend Christmas with her, wishing she could hug me or sit and cuddle with me

I didn't write it so it's not real yet to me but that's how I feel...

[Tongalee]

I think I'm worried more because I'm a little confused; as one side of me is saying "get that thing out of here", the other side has it clenched to her body saying "that's my letter, don't touch it!" But I know in truth she's saying "that's my therapist and you can't push her away."

I need her to be away, so badly. If I keep the letter I'm giving into this relationship and giving her more power than I can handle letting go of. If I give her the letter I'm letting both her and myself know that I'm not going to open up and allow myself to want or depend on her.

I feel so stuck, either way some part of me is uncomfortable and sad. Which do I listen to?

Originally Posted by Tongalee

I think I'm worried more because I'm a little confused; as one side of me is saying "get that thing out of here", the other side has it clenched to her body saying "that's my letter, don't touch it!" But I know in truth she's saying "that's my therapist and you can't push her away."

I need her to be away, so badly. If I keep the letter I'm giving into this relationship and giving her more power than I can handle letting go of. If I give her the letter I'm letting both her and myself know that I'm not going to open up and allow myself to want or depend on her.

I feel so stuck, either way some part of me is uncomfortable and sad. Which do I listen to?

Not everyone would agree with how I look at this, but it's how I understand it in relation to my own feelings regarding this issue. I totally understand why you're feeling the way you are currently feeling. It's the approach/retreat behavior I have experienced many times in my therapy journey. When I am feeling connected to my therapist, I find comfort and a sense of soothing calm when reading an email or hearing her voice. If I feel as though she is becoming too important to me, I find that threatening and I need to move as far back as I can to avoid the fear that comes from possibly being rejected or abandoned. If someone pointed all of this out to me in the past (and my former therapist did ) I would adamantly deny this is how I felt. No way was I not in control of how I felt!

When my therapist goes on vacation (even one planned) or I go on vacation, I'm sure I feel a sense of abandonment or rejection. I know, I know, totally wacked! But those feelings come from deep inside and they aren't rational or sane. My way of handling those feelings is to pull or push away from my therapist, to deny her importance to me in the whole scheme of things. I have convinced my intelligent mind that I am a rational, full functioning person who has no need to lean on or to rely on another human being, that I can do everything ON MY OWN. That means not calling my therapist in crisis (Ever!!!), not rereading emails or listening to recorded messages with her voice and definitely not dwelling or thinking about her and what she might say to me in difficult situations while she is away. Essentially, I wipe her out of existence; she does not exist.

If you look at this from an Attachment point of view, it is like the traumatized child who feels anxiety when mother goes away, but soon acts as though mother never left, playing and amusing herself rather than looking for mother. When mother returns, the child rejects mother, ignoring her or turning away. . . . But of course my therapist does exist and when she returns, I have to reconstruct our relationship all over again. Makes for more than a few uncomfortable sessions after a break. Whew, that makes therapy slooooow going. But I'm beginning to recognize my pattern and I'm working to change it. Sorry to go on so long, as you can see from my post, this is an issue close to my heart.

[SnakeCharmer]

Tongalee, I tend to think giving the letter to your T for safe-keeping over the holidays is an excellent idea. It's much better than getting rid of it, like you did with the deleted emails, which you might do impulsively if you found yourself getting too attached to it, reading and re-reading, and generally acting in a way that's not really what you want.

Giving it to your T for safekeeping is an important symbolic gesture. The letter is important, and you want to keep it safe, but not to obsessively cling to it like a magic talisman. Because what's really important is the relationship between the two of you, not just the memento she gave you.

But ... well ... it will be nice to have it back sometime in the future. If you explain it to her I'm betting she'll feel touched by your action, not in the least bit offended, as long as you explain your very sound reasoning. It makes really good sense to me.

[Tongalee]

Well, I did it. I have her back the letter and tried to tell her my feelings surrounding this whole matter, but it ask ended up a **** show. We talked about how I don't want to be expressing any type of attachment to her, and how the letter was a form or perhaps a symbol of connection between the two of us that I am unwilling at this point to accept. She was trying so hard to talk me out of my understanding of the situation, and tell me that my wants and needs were ok to have, but I couldn't stop thinking about how I could want all day long but the truth of the matter is I'm just **** out of luck and the dinner I accept that the better for everyone. I handed her the note, and I stormed out. I'm not even sure I said goodbye. One part of me feels really bad, the other part says screw her! I'm canceling my appointment for next week which will mean we won't meet until after the holidays. I think that's best.