Retraumatized by previous T?

Several years ago, I entered therapy for the first time, in probably the most vulnerable place in my life. I was severely anorexic, extremely depressed and suicidal and had just suffered the loss of a close friend. I found a trauma therapist and started therapy with her.

My instincts told me that something was not quite right with this woman, but at the time, I was so sick, so unsure of myself and so alone and lost that I just didn't trust myself. At the same time, I see now, this T was doing her best to separate me from my family and make me dependent on her.

I got worse and worse while seeing her and believed it was my fault. I could tell tons of stories, but the worst of it was that she forced me to process a rape before I was ready and then proceeded to botch it and completely retraumatize me in the process. (I say "forced" because at the time, I didn't think I had a choice; I felt like I needed her or I would completely sink and she would say pseudo-threatening things, insinuating that if I didn't do this work then I wasn't "working hard enough" and she would drop me).

Today, I am doing great. I have come so far and I have an amazing T that I love and trust. The problem is, I still am suffering from the damage that this first T did.

I'm considering filing a complaint with her licensing board but I don't know if it has been too long. Honestly though, this woman should not be practicing. I recently looked her up (she changed her name since I worked with her-shady!) and she says that she specializes in eating disorders. I can personally attest to this being UNTRUE.

In a way, everything that happened with her feels like a violation. Therapy is so intimate and I trusted her. It makes me sick to even think about her. I want to be able to heal-from the trauma itself, but also from the damage that she did. I obsess about her-how much I hate her and how much she took advantage of me. I have nights where I shake and cry thinking of specific sessions where she coerced me into sharing certain information that I wasn't ready to share and then got angry with me when I melted down and became suicidal afterwards.

Therapist abuse is such a terrible thing. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hello clairelisbeth: In reading your Thread, I wondered to what extent you have talked about this with your present T. It sounds as though you have some very difficult feelings still swirling around inside with regard to what this other T did. I'm not suggesting that what she did was okay. It sounds like it was terrible! But, as with any other trauma that someone endures, it seems to me you need to work through this by talking it through. This is what your current T is for. Don't go on boiling inside over what your first T did & not talk about it thinking that it will go away at some point. The chances are it won't.

As far as filing a complaint goes, this is certainly an option, if it's not too late. You'd have to check with your state's Department of Health or other similar state agency to determine if you can still file the complaint & what the procedure would be. I would suggest you go ahead & check on this so that you know what your options are. Then, perhaps, talk this over with your current T before you take action, assuming you have time.

I am sorry you had to go through such horrible experience. And, trust me I GET it. I get what kind of trauma this is because I too was abused in therapy, in fact, twice. My first experience was somewhat similar to yours. Not exactly the same, because every such experience is unique but also has some commonality with the experiences of others. I was in much pain after being re-traumatized by my first therapist. In fact, it was actually devastating and almost unbearable. To be honest, I don't want to spill out details here. You can PM me if you want, and we could talk more about it privately.

I can tell right off the bat that you can file a complaint any time you want if you are still withing the time limit established by your state. I don't know the specific time limits in your state. You'd have to call the licensing board and ask them about that. Here, in CA it's 7 years I think. I did file a complaint but in the case of the second abuse. The first time I didn't file.

Whether you report her or not is not as important as getting clear with yourself as to what you are hoping to get out of it and if you are prepared to deal with the unwanted outcome. It might happen that the board wouldn't find her guilty of any misconduct, especially if you don't have any tangible evidence to back up your claim that she was being unethical. In fact, the boards often don't even start investigation if the complaint doesn't contain any evidence. If you get a letter from them that they don't have enough evidence to warrant investigation, this could be another trauma for you. Consider all case scenarios and I'd recommend that you discuss it with your current therapist before making a decision of whether to report or not.

If you have other questions and want to talk more about it, feel free to PM me. As I said, I don't want to spill many personal details here.