Bucket list: What have you never told your T about?

It's interesting to think about the things I DON'T talk to my T about. Why waste my time and money avoiding important stuff?

I'm thinking of making a bucket list of 'unmentionables', things I haven't talked about along with with the suspected reasons; Fear of judgement or fear of my own discovery or work around that issue. This is not to talk about them all at once, but to get it all out there at least in passing so it's not a big deal when I finally do come round to it.

1. My transference. (re: typical fear of judgement and fear of altering our relationship. What if T becomes more distant?)
2. Sexual abuse that occurred as a child (re: it was a one time occurrence and I had the agency to stop it, so it's not something present on my mind too much. I think I hesitate for the associations it has with #3 below which inevitably lead back to #1.)
3. Sex. T knows I'm gay, but we have not discussed sex or sexuality in any form. Sex in my relationship, my feelings or history, masturbation, fantsies, and past online sex chats...nothing. None of this I've spoken to T about. I don't feel particularly ashamed about the subject but I find it difficult to talk about in general.
4. Celebrity obsessions. This is a big part of my mental life, but it's never come up.
5. Obsessive crushes in my youth. Again, this is/was a big part of my mental life, but it's never come up.
6. Professional and personal goal procrastination/avoidance/etc. we've touched on this but not the way I avoid: Internet obsessions— an every day mental occurrence I have not spoken of.
7. How much I drink. Even though it's not a lot at a time, it's often. I have (1-2 ounces) bourbon almost every night if there's a bottle at home. Sometimes it will be more but I try not to get drunk. I also often have a drink after therapy, at a bar, while I take notes. Again - not a lot - but sometimes enough to get a buzz. It's "me time" but I admit it's also, in part, self-medicating.
8. My relationship status. Mainly because I've spent so much time talking about the bad in my relationship, I'm embarrassed to talk about my talks to get married to this same person. Why? I think I'm avoiding this because I'm afraid to be optimistic and I'm afraid of discovering more reasons not to.

I'm sure I can think of more to add to this list later but those are on the top of my mind. What would your bucket list be?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts WrkinPrgress

I'm sure members will be able to relate to the fact that there are some things that they have not discussed with their T or not gotten around to it yet, but will.

I kind of have the "no holding back" and "whatever's in the moment" kind of attitude. I'm comfortable enough with my T and know that she's professional enough not to judge me regardless of what I say. I'm pretty sure she's heard it all before. Not much can shock her as she deals with patients with my disorder regularly.

You shouldn't fear judgment. That's not something that a professional T would do. Remember that one of the primary functions of your T is to help you transition through challenges, past or present - feel comfortable to discuss these with your T as and when the time is appropriate.

Take care.

I can understand where you coming from. However I feel sad that my old T never knew some facts about me. Things like that I'm a vegetarian and I used to play two instruments.

Wow. Kind of crazy-making topic for me. And the opposite of bucket list, I'm unlikely to inform her unless/until I'm ready to terminate.

* For months I sat thinking in session, This woman reminds me of someone with whom I had a conflict in a illegal situation back in 1980s, 3000 miles away. I said nothing.

* Months after that she mentioned in passing that she had LIVED in that city.

* I mentioned casually still months later, "So I lived in [city]." She turned white as a sheet.

* I then conducted a targeted property records search on her for those specific years, in that city, and found no evidence she lived there when I did.

* I graciously concluded that 1) she may have lived there at another time period, 2) she did NOT turn pale from recognizing me and 3) if she did recognize me she would be ethically obligated to inform me.

* Separately I found a publication where she said that exploring erotic transference could be personally liberating for therapist and client and open them up to new sexual attractions. At which point I thought has this b**** has been gaslighting me this whole time, making it seem like I'm a child admitting a naughty fantasy?? (Psychodynamic junk)

If this is what people call "hijacking a thread" I'm genuinely sorry. . The topic of how we present to our T is genuinely interesting, especially as it relates to things we hold back.

No problem LindaLU. I guess that's kinda my point. I think we can learn something from what we're NOT telling as from what we are.

I would like to get to the point where I can speak about anything and everything to my T. I know, logically, that I can trust her — and the resistance in on my side. That resistance is just as interesting to me. I used to think I didn't have any shame or fears of myself. Ha. :/ well- maybe not so much.

Like when I draw a picture, examining the negative space between the shapes is just as important to get an accurate picture of the whole.

My T already knows all the general things about me. She just doesn't know the details. I'm not concerned about if or when I bring things up. If it comes up, it comes up. I'm not hiding anything. Though there are some topics that I do not look forward to exploring in more detail (i.e. abandonment, attachment, fear of men, anything to do with sex, and anything to do with my body). But again, I'm not avoiding anything.

yeah, there's stuff I'm not telling T. but trust takes a while....

That was brave to share, WRKINprogress. Thanks for that.

I have many things I could talk about but don't because they are usually the weirder aspects of me that I am ashamed of and I have more pressing issues to work on. Being misunderstood or judged by a T would feel too devastating to me. But never say never I guess!

I keep wanting to bring up my dad being a cross dresser but she already demonizes him and I can't stand it.

I don't think there is anything I think is relevent to why I see the woman. There is a lot I have not told her, but mainly because it is not important to tell a therapist about for me.

My T knows everything relevant to my therapy. I've never been one to keep issues relevant to my therapy to myself. Would seem counterproductive I guess.

I'm wondering how you define 'relevant to therapy'.

I think I might find it helpful talking about the time I lost my virginity which is something I can never talk about. My relationship with my T would need to develop into something a bit different for that. Would a I feel better for talking about it? Would my shame and humiliation lessen?

Not everything is relevant to my issues in therapy. It's not like he knows every single detail about me, but I have no qualms about bringing in information that does have something to do with whatever issues we are discussing. I've been seeing him for ages, so it's all pretty much out there.

My big secret is my eating disorder. -_-

I think I tell her too much, to be brutally honest with myself. In my own defense though, it's because I never know what might or might not be relevant. I'll say something as a throw-away comment sometimes and she pounces all over it and it turns into something big. One of those wily abilities, I guess.

I'm absolutely NOT going to tell her that I've googled her. No way!!! Never.

I feel like my T pounces too.

Oh, dear. I hear you on this! My partner was in therapy for a decade before she began to talk about her issues with food. It's amazing to me that we can be so intimate with someone for so long and still hide parts of ourselves but I think there are reasons why— bigger than any of us can quite grasp. It just takes time.

Oh yeah, I forgot to add,

• ... and one of my current online obsessions is this forum——because I'm currently obsessed with my own therapy and My own transference. ... and I Google her when I'm stressed or down just so I can find that one small icon image of her smiling face on her company site. *sigh*

I've wanted to tell her for a year now. But I could never just...

That any morning that I took my daughter to school, or in the afternoon if I picked her up from school.... I drove by my therapist's house. All told, probably more than 300 times in 5 years.

Yeah, pretty fuc!ing pathetic. I'm a sick fool.

When I got lost in the desert today I felt so very free. And I felt like I was being shown a huge sign that I can find my own way, and I don't need t anymore. But when I called her for my appointment (while I was still out there) and told her I had gotten lost while hiking I let her say we should cancel and talk another day and I didn't mention it. I will sleep on it and email her tomorrow maybe. I felt so free of a lot of things - her one of them - I didn't call her freaking out and crying because I was lost. I calmly got my bearings and listened for and then found the road, called hubby and told him the name of the road and the first cross street I came to, waited til my appointment time, and THEN called her while waiting for hubby. What an incredible day I had!!!

I have told my T just about everything except that I know few facts about her family that I looked up. I
don't think I told her I looked at her kids' FB pages in detail and her ex H's YouTube's. She knows I used to look them up, though. I can control that urge now.

She knows all of my history and most of my feelings and what I'm ashamed of. She doesn't know how much I weigh! There's nothing major that I haven't told her.

You're not the only one... I do this too :/ I don't know why or why I feel the need but I do.

I haven't told mine how obsessed about her I was in the beginning of my transference. It has calmed down a ton - I think I just wanted to be close to her and know everything about her.

Not currently in therapy, but with my two long-term Ts:
-What I did with an ex-bf that I think makes me a terrible person (not sex or anything like that, just something I'll never tell anyone. He's the only one who knows besides me)
-My obsession with her. Let's just say there's a lot to be found on the internet. All purely informational, and I've never nor do I ever plan to go to her house or contact any of her family or friends. That's just too much. But I know a LOT that I shouldn't know.
-That I used to drive by my ex-bf's house and to places we had dates or hung out. I was just wallowing in my heartbreak. I never did anything besdies be near places that reminded me of him (didn't follow him or watch him, just went to places that had memories).
-That, at one point, I had a lot of suicidal ideation. I did discuss with her wanting to die, but not having plans. I never told her when I started trying to figure out the best way to do it or the urges to do it. To be fair, I never had a concrete plan, but still I never expressed the intensity of what I was thinking.
-Sex was a difficult topic for me, because it's not something that I was talked to about growing up (besides don't do it till you're married). I feel awkward talking to anybody about it.

That's what comes to mind. I actually trusted my Ts a lot and shared things with them that I couldn't with other people in my life.