[CantExplain]

Dear T,

You are correct when you say we have unfinished business. But I have no hope that we will finish it.

You love me. I love you. But love is not enough. I need some cooperation and consideration.

Real progress can only be made face to face. But I left you for good reasons and those reasons remain in place.

What would happen if I returned? Would you continue to withhold your smile? Would you continue to kick me when I am down?

I am very upset at your use of the word “ultimatum”. How can I tell you what I want with that word hanging over my head? Don’t reject my requests outright. Come back with a counter offer. See if we can’t find a solution that will meet at least some of my needs.

I am very upset at your use of the word “sound bite”. How can I tell you how I feel with that word hanging over my head? Don’t reject my feelings just because I think clearly and speak concisely. Listen harder!

I hit the nail on the head when I said you make the good times better and the bad times worse. If I arrive upset I generally leave feeling even worse. Comparisons are odious, but when I see Mr T I always come out feeling happy and settled.

You are a destabilising influence. I have enough instability in my life already.

Before I come back, I need to know that you are going to listen. I need to know that my goals are your goals. And most of all, I need you to stop hurting me.

Love,

CE

[JaneTennison1]

If Mr T works for you, why keep in something that doesn't work?

Is this in response to the letter you just posted from her because unless you didn't post the whole letter, she didn't use the work "ultimatum" or "sound bite". Is this worth stirring all up again? If your current T is a more settling influence, why toy with going back and unsettling everything? Why not just work through all this old stuff about Madame T with your new therapist. Seems like going backwards to me to go back.

[CantExplain]

New paragraph:

Yes, I do put words into your mouth and they are often the wrong ones. This is a logical consequence of your excessive use of the blank slate. If you told me more clearly, more often and more emphatically how you really feel, I wouldn’t have to guess.

[CantExplain]

New paragraph:

Yes I have cast you in the role of the Bad Parent. If you don’t like it, write yourself a new role.

Or perhaps you need to work through your issues with your own bad parent rather than projecting that onto your therapist . . . Not sure it's really up to the therapist to "be" the parent at all, good or bad. Changing herself isn't going to resolve your issues with your own parents.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

New paragraph:
If you told me more clearly, more often and more emphatically how you really feel, I wouldn’t have to guess.

This confuses or perplexes me. I think my t needs to be aware of what i missed, and provide it to my inner child. But its more like there are 4 people in the room: t the person, t the professional, then me the needy client, and me the aspiring adult. I dont see 4 people with you and mme t - its like your needy client is talking to her person - those two should never meet!! Okay, im exaggerating - but they are not a good match.

[Petra5ed]

CE - I would take some time and think about what it is you want from her before sending your letter. i.e. do you want another face to face meeting, or just to tell her what you think? Then write a letter targeted to the kind of response you want.

Sometimes when a person gets something emotionally laden they cant see the logic and only see that you are emotional. I think you have some very clear points to make to her, and I would make sure not to drown those out so that she can clearly hear them. I would be very concise and to the point, which forces her to address the specific issues and not a huge vague impasse issue which is too undefined to surpass. Perhaps even send two separate responses...

For example, I would tell her how much not smiling at you hurt and confused you, and felt abusive. I would ask for a better explanation of that, and then tell her that it is something that you are still not ok with. That while she might see it as an ultimatum, from your perspective you are just practicing self preservation... something along those lines. I guess what I'm saying is I would make sure it's super clear that is the issue, and force her to either address or ignore that.

I'm not a shrink, but I am really thinking the lack of feeling closure on your end is because she treated you like crap and refuses to see her role in your dissatisfaction. Either she's dumb or she's missing the point. I'm guessing now she is missing the point and this could be one big miscommunication. If you force her to look at the facts then she'll either have to ignore you or respond, and I think that might bring some closure... rather than her vague responses to what she thinks you are thinking and feeling. Not sure if I'm making sense, but basically I think you need to be really concise in how you approach this, leave the emotion out of it but discuss the feelings.

[JaneTennison1]

Your needs are not wrong. You need love to be shown you need her to smile but expecting them from someone who has clearly shown she cannot meet your needs the way you want her to, will cause only heartache.

She is speaking french, you are speaking German. Unless one of you is willing to change the language then you will never understand each other. You expect her to learn your language but she has already learned as much as she is willing. Either you accept what she has to offer and you both learn this new language together or you find someone who can offer what you need.

[unaluna]

Plus, a man demanding that a woman smile as part of her job? - is like the definition of demeaning to certain kind of woman (eg a living breathing one). Is there / has there been any recognition or discussion of this? Maybe your impasse is contained therein. You're doing something that has to make her mad, like in the book excerpt.

What is that quote about bumping up against the inevitable something of what we are?

[JaneTennison1]

To add I understand a bit as I have spent a lot of time waiting for my T to show care the way I want her to and getting hurt when she didn't. I only now realise she was showing me care HER way and I can either accept that care or if it is not acceptable I can move on to someone who can give me what I want.

As it is I have chosen to stay. Her way of caring is actually helpful, stable and normal and I am not used to these things.

[CantExplain]

More:

I know you’re trying to help me. I know you’re doing your best. I know you haven’t given up on me. But you have given up on apologising.

Your most recent apology to me started, “I’m sorry if…” This is a turn of phrase that <mutual acquaintance> calls an “unapology”. It sounds like you doubt you’ve even done me an injury. And if you don’t think you’ve really hurt me, how can you be sincere in regretting it?

[Lauliza]

I think that your letter is good but like Petra5d think you might want to make the language more direct- "I needed to see you express emotion like a human being and you outright refused" or something along those lines. I honestly believe that Mme T doesn't understand why you are so hurt. Given she is a T I find that concerning, especially since you've made it pretty clear I think. If she knew what she was doing she'd take a different approach anyway, since understanding the expressing of emotions is something you are working on. I'm glad you have this new T because she is way off in terms of understanding you and your needs. True as a female smiling shouldn't be part of the job description, but making a conscious decision not to isn't either. As a side note, I have never, nor have my children, had a teacher who does not smile (unless they are disciplining of course). So unless you're in the throes of a serious conversation, an argument or other scenario when a smile may not be appropriate, I think it is very bizarre.

[CantExplain]

I'm not going to send it. I'm just reminding myself why I won't go back.