[Petra5ed]

My male therapist recently made a comment that female T's can do things male T's cannot and vice versa. I didn't push this because I wasn't interested at the time, but I thought it to be a load of crap. Perhaps making broad generalizations there might be some statistically significant differences, but does that mean no woman could do male T things, and no male T could do female T things? Wouldn't male and female T's be socialized to act differently? Or do you think there are fundamental to the core differences bw the sexes... i.e. is it possible my brutish male therapist might not be able to understand my delicate feminine ways?

What do you suppose he meant? My personal opinion is the only thing a male or female could do that the other gender couldn't is satisfy a clients personal bias. I.e. if I enter therapy with a bias that "men aren't sensitive enough to understand me" then only a female T could be sensitive enough in my mind while I hold that bias. Just curious if anyone can think of other examples where penis' and vajay's have separate (but equal?) powers in psychotherapy.

[scallion5]

Of course, impossible to know what exactly your T meant (I'd suggest asking him to clarify, be interested to know what he says!), but I imagine that my male T can't - or might have a really hard time:

- quite understand hormonal elements to my mood swings (I don't, uh, really raise the fact that my anger may be amplified by PMS or anything of that nature)

- understand firsthand what it's like to walk around in society in a female body, with all the baggage that can bring

- understand/appreciate what it's like to have/make/maintain female-female friendships and bonds, and how they may (or may not) differ from "guys"

- understand the subtleties of what I'm trying to communicate "between the lines," kind of sexist of me to think that has to do with his gender - but I think it has to do with the socialization of male communication, not necessarily caused by being male but perhaps accentuated?

- touch/offer comforting things - I think my T is REALLY wary of being too "comforting" and I think he would NEVER touch in a comforting way, even if I asked, this is for my safety, but I think its also for his - even though male or female Ts can "misuse" touch on ANY client (male or female) I'd conjecture (I have no evidence for this) that male Ts treating female patients might be conventionally considered more "at risk" for liability or complaints AND for transference/counter-transference dynamics. Even though those can happen with any dyad, I think if the T and client are 'mixed gender' and heterosexual, it can be a can of worms that is best examined without bringing touch into the equation to confuse things.

These are just my thoughts about my T who happens to be male - I think gender does play a role in any relationship, but its going to depend a lot on the individual, too. Interestingly, my previous T was also a male but he was gay and much older than me. The male/female dynamic felt very different to me than with my current T, who is within my age range (a bit older) and who I understand to be hetero.

If you enter into therapy with a bias (we all have them) then you might look for evidence that supports it and unconsciously create dynamics that support it, without conducting open "experiments" that could disconfirm it... That said, I think my T is very sensitive to my emotions when he understands them - but he is a little slow to "pick up" on what I'm trying to express and figure it out. I don't know if that's b/c he's a dude or not, but I sometimes am like "well, he's a dude, so maybe I need to be super direct about this..." and, generally, that has helped. In general, perhaps being super direct helps people "get the message"...even though I was socialized to not really say things so directly, especially if it involved FEELINGS (gasp!)

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

My male therapist recently made a comment that female T's can do things male T's cannot and vice versa. I didn't push this because I wasn't interested at the time, but I thought it to be a load of crap. Perhaps making broad generalizations there might be some statistically significant differences, but does that mean no woman could do male T things, and no male T could do female T things? Wouldn't male and female T's be socialized to act differently? Or do you think there are fundamental to the core differences bw the sexes... i.e. is it possible my brutish male therapist might not be able to understand my delicate feminine ways?

What do you suppose he meant? My personal opinion is the only thing a male or female could do that the other gender couldn't is satisfy a clients personal bias. I.e. if I enter therapy with a bias that "men aren't sensitive enough to understand me" then only a female T could be sensitive enough in my mind while I hold that bias. Just curious if anyone can think of other examples where penis' and vajay's have separate (but equal?) powers in psychotherapy.

I don't think it has anything at all to do with body parts. It does have to do with comfort and relatability (you would call that bias, I guess). But also, life experience. A woman experiences the world differently than most men and vice versa. So for me a woman is going to grasp my pov and issues on a more intimate level--not all women, of course, but there's a better chance of it. I've had one male therapist who was very good, but I could not talk to him. I don't think that's a bias as I liked him very much, but just could not feel comfortable and there was a gap in understanding.

As for what your therapist meant, though, only he can say.

[stopdog]

Some female therapists may be able to employ touch to female clients that a male therapist could not - that sort of thing is how I read it.

[JustShakey]

My (male) T often says that women are smarter emotionally than men and are more intuitive. I'm not so sure I agree with him, I think it's too much of a generalization.
I do think he has a point though... As women, we have to learn to contain the natural mood swings that come with having a hormonal cycle, so we're perhaps able to handle more stress than men without acting out? And we're not as physically strong as men, so we have to use our heads more?
Idk. Maybe some guys could weigh in on this?

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Originally Posted by scallion5

- understand firsthand what it's like to walk around in society in a female body, with all the baggage that can bring

This really hit me. I don't think the male therapists I have had have understood this at all in any way shape or form. They just couldn't relate no matter how much I explained or talked about what it is like to live in a female body. Not their fault at all, but it is nice now to talk about this with a female and have her understand. Struggling with an eating disorder is a huge issue for me and it is helpful to have someone really understand the WHY of it. Not saying all males can't understand, but it isn't an issue they usually deal with.

[Lauliza]

I think it has a lot to do with comfort level and ability to empathize. There are some topics that men may have a more difficulty talk to a woman about- especially as it pertains to menstrual cycles, child birth, etc. No matter much a male T educates himself, the lack of actual personal experience puts them at a disadvantage.

There are also larger cultural issues that even the most enlightened men can't relate to. Some thought processes can be so ingrained in both genders that we're not even aware of it. I think it's common for people to insist they don't subscribe to gender stereotypes and there's no such thing as thinking "like a woman" or "like a man". I think many miscommunications happen between the genders because of this, and in therapy, misunderstandings are a big deal.

And then there is the issue of touch in therapy. I do think females get more leeway in this area than men, simply because there are more males that abuse touch than females.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

A male T would be unthinkable for me. I just find women easier to talk too, although I don't at all pretend to understand what I will call with your permission to generalise recklessly, female thinking and emotions.

[Petra5ed]

I'm a woman and I don't understand "female thinking and emotions." Lol. I also don't feel like PMS alters my mood at all. I was biased against women, feeling like men are more emotionally stable and relateable... But rationally I don't see anything a man could do a woman couldn't or vice versa, unless it's have sex. I've known cold women, warm women, sensitive men, insensitive men, mood swingy people of both genders, etc.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

My (male) T often says that women are smarter emotionally than men and are more intuitive. I'm not so sure I agree with him, I think it's too much of a generalization.
I do think he has a point though... As women, we have to learn to contain the natural mood swings that come with having a hormonal cycle, so we're perhaps able to handle more stress than men without acting out? And we're not as physically strong as men, so we have to use our heads more?
Idk. Maybe some guys could weigh in on this?

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Research on autism does show that females tend to have higher social and emotional IQs than males. Aspergers has been referred to in literature as an "extreme male brain". Basically this meant that the traits seen in autistic peopla - less ability to recognize emotions, less social skills, logical thinking, fascination with parts and pieces rather than ideas and concepts etc, etc... were exagerrations of traits already present in typical males but not so many females. They thought it was genetic (and some still do) but now its accepted that it's mostly due to social conditioning. I thought this was fascinating. It really illustrates how much gender bias there is in the psych world.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I'm a woman and I don't understand "female thinking and emotions." Lol. I also don't feel like PMS alters my mood at all. I was biased against women, feeling like men are more emotionally stable and relateable... But rationally I don't see anything a man could do a woman couldn't or vice versa, unless it's have sex. I've known cold women, warm women, sensitive men, insensitive men, mood swingy people of both genders, etc.

I have severe PMS and always have and had severe post partum depression after all three kids; birth control with any hormones make me a lunatic. So while all women don't relate about these things, there are bound to be some that do. It is impossible, however, for a man to relate.

[TwoPointOh]

I am female and have had both male and female T's. About six months into therapy I accidentally discovered that my current male T is a female to male transgender. It was surprising to me and it affected our relationship, mostly because I had limited awareness of the transgender community. I joked afterwards that I wouldn't have been so shy about discussing my PMS if I had known! I imagine he has a better understanding of the female experience than most men, but I haven't really noticed a difference. I'm just thankful that he is a good T.

[scallion5]

Yeah, I wouldn't assume every woman would or every man wouldn't - but just, by definition, a man would be unable to understand/relate to that experience firsthand.

I agree that a lot is up to the individual, but who we are as individuals is influenced by life experiences which, for most people, will be different in some ways due to society's understanding of gender (vs. sex) and expectations that go along with that - in some places, for some people.

I guess I wonder if your therapist meant men CAN do different things - or whether he was saying that the CONTEXT of society makes it easier/harder for men to do some things or women to do some things? I guess only he knows!

And, fwiw, I also interpreted it as stopdog - that it's about touch, that female Ts may feel more comfortable touching clients or reassuring them (particularly female clients) because there MAY be a conventional notion that when men touch women it's harassment/misunderstood and male Ts want to avoid that misunderstanding (this is a charged, sweeping statement - sorry)

I also think it may be easier for female Ts to "take on" maternal transference and work with it. So, if people have raging issues with "mother" in their past, working with a female T might actually help them work through it (or not...)

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I'm a woman and I don't understand "female thinking and emotions." Lol. I also don't feel like PMS alters my mood at all. I was biased against women, feeling like men are more emotionally stable and relateable... But rationally I don't see anything a man could do a woman couldn't or vice versa, unless it's have sex. I've known cold women, warm women, sensitive men, insensitive men, mood swingy people of both genders, etc.

[NowhereUSA]

I have a male T. I prefer talking to guys.

While I've certainly met really emotive men, that doesn't seem to be the norm. My T definitely is sensitive and yet, there's something... argh. I don't know how to explain it. Every female T I've interacted with has made me want to drop kick them. There's a tone in their voice or a way they interact with me that just makes me twitchy. My T has commented that I would eat most Ts alive though (it's complicated to explain) and my T has an edginess to him that I appreciate (he'll flip me the bird if warranted and I'll laugh uproariously about it).

So. Idk. He'll hug me if I want it :: shrugs :: And I'm not looking for him to fulfill some emotional need (that's what my H is for). Maybe there are many female Ts that try to? Maybe that's why they annoy me? It probably also has to do with the fact that I can't stand my mother LOLOLOL.

[stopdog]

I do not relate well to men so therefore I only see female professionals. It is not because they might not understand -I just don't do well with men. I do have a few male friends, and can deal with men as colleagues when I need to, but women are much better for me. Men do come to me to unburden themselves for whatever reason. The therapist has guessed it is because I am not all that emotional and don't get involved-I just sit there and appear to pay attention.
I thought the original comment was about women being able to be in the world a different way than men in western culture.

I have never had a female therapist try to be all maternal or emotional at me. I found the two men I interviewed insufferable- one was way paternalistic, condescending and an *** and the other was touchy feely in touch with his feminine side new age guy who I could not abide.

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

I have a male T. I prefer talking to guys.

While I've certainly met really emotive men, that doesn't seem to be the norm. My T definitely is sensitive and yet, there's something... argh. I don't know how to explain it. Every female T I've interacted with has made me want to drop kick them. There's a tone in their voice or a way they interact with me that just makes me twitchy. My T has commented that I would eat most Ts alive though (it's complicated to explain) and my T has an edginess to him that I appreciate (he'll flip me the bird if warranted and I'll laugh uproariously about it).

So. Idk. He'll hug me if I want it :: shrugs :: And I'm not looking for him to fulfill some emotional need (that's what my H is for). Maybe there are many female Ts that try to? Maybe that's why they annoy me? It probably also has to do with the fact that I can't stand my mother LOLOLOL.

That's been my experience with female T's. They just try to be too emotional or too motherly or something. Not what I want or need.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by scallion5

I also think it may be easier for female Ts to "take on" maternal transference and work with it. So, if people have raging issues with "mother" in their past, working with a female T might actually help them work through it (or not...)

Not necessarily. I work much better with a male T. Perhaps I'd be alright now that I'm more aware of it, or with a very experienced T, but my maternal transference was a huge barrier to treatment with my previous female T. I couldn't 'see' her care and she was terribly frustrated with me.

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[NowhereUSA]

Yeah. Working with a female T didn't help me. Just made me more angry. Meanwhile, working through my mother issues with my male T has been far more successful.

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Yeah. Working with a female T didn't help me. Just made me more angry. Meanwhile, working through my mother issues with my male T has been far more successful.

In my case, I don't have mother issues (or daddy issues actually). I just wanted a T who would be straight with me and get to the the issues at hand without all the emotional baggage that female T's seemed to try to add to all the baggage I already had. I haven't found my male T's unable to do anything that I needed from them particularly or unable to work with the issues I did have at hand. I mean, it isn't like I spend much time talking about female biological issues, so I haven't really seen a problem. I'm sure the impact differs depending on a person's individual needs.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

In my case, I don't have mother issues (or daddy issues actually). I just wanted a T who would be straight with me and get to the the issues at hand without all the emotional baggage that female T's seemed to try to add to all the baggage I already had. I haven't found my male T's unable to do anything that I needed from them particularly or unable to work with the issues I did have at hand. I mean, it isn't like I spend much time talking about female biological issues, so I haven't really seen a problem. I'm sure the impact differs depending on a person's individual needs.

My mother issues are really straightforward. She turned me into a mini-therapist and dumped on me during my teenage years and *still* tries to manipulate emotional support out of me (through guilt and shame, except I'm not easily guilted and shamed by her anymore).

Since my T is DBT trained, we don't spend a lot of time analyzing it specifically, but really just focus on how to deal with boundaries, expressing my needs, and altering the way I interact with people. It fits my personality to a T. Don't want to try to find my inner child thanks because I'm all grown up LOL.

And so yeah, my male T is very straightforward, to the point, and he means what he says. Sometimes I've made the mistake of reading into something and he's like, "What?" *blink blink* So clueless and so transparent. Perfect

Nowhere, your T sounds a lot like mine. I love the practical, straight-forward, rather no nonsense approach of my T. But I'm very much that way myself. It works for me.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

That's been my experience with female T's. They just try to be too emotional or too motherly or something. Not what I want or need.

This is how I feel exactly. The few female therapists I saw made me feel more depressed, they actually seemed to feed my depression and make my problems seem bigger by over empathizing if that's even a thing! My current male T does not, I can see his empathy, he is super sensitive for a guy while still very masculine, but he keeps me feeling grounded by not being too emotional himself. I'm sure there are female T's out there that are able to do this too, but now I have a bias. I suppose I have a couple lesbian friends who I see as emotionally stable like men are as well, so maybe a lesbian T would work for me. Of course, big grain of salt because my mother is a total nut and would have hysterical outbursts my entire childhood.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

This is how I feel exactly. The few female therapists I saw made me feel more depressed, they actually seemed to feed my depression and make my problems seem bigger by over empathizing if that's even a thing! My current male T does not, I can see his empathy, he is super sensitive for a guy while still very masculine, but he keeps me feeling grounded by not being too emotional himself. I'm sure there are female T's out there that are able to do this too, but now I have a bias. I suppose I have a couple lesbian friends who I see as emotionally stable like men are as well, so maybe a lesbian T would work for me. Of course, big grain of salt because my mother is a total nut and would have hysterical outbursts my entire childhood.

OMG! The first T I saw was a woman, only saw her a couple of months... but over-empathizing was a major issue. We had some similar backstories and she was an older woman and I swore she was trying to fix herself O.O

I don't think all female Ts are like her, to clarify, but I was like, uh-uh... the other female Ts I've interacted with though... still felt like they were trying too hard sometimes.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

My mother issues are really straightforward. She turned me into a mini-therapist and dumped on me during my teenage years and *still* tries to manipulate emotional support out of me (through guilt and shame, except I'm not easily guilted and shamed by her anymore).


Since my T is DBT trained, we don't spend a lot of time analyzing it specifically, but really just focus on how to deal with boundaries, expressing my needs, and altering the way I interact with people. It fits my personality to a T. Don't want to try to find my inner child thanks because I'm all grown up LOL.


And so yeah, my male T is very straightforward, to the point, and he means what he says. Sometimes I've made the mistake of reading into something and he's like, "What?" *blink blink* So clueless and so transparent. Perfect

Yeah, this. My mom did the same to me, and I felt that I had to look after my female T too, that if I didn't I would 'pay' somehow... Having a male T took care of that.

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