[Restin]

My therapist recommended I recall some of the things my caregivers did in my childhood that made me furious. But how can I? I had dismissive disorder that started around age four. I shut down and became a tough gal instead of crying or cringing. I got so I would never give anyone credit for being able to hurt my feelings. ditto for anger. I refused to show anger because it meant they were getting to me. I can remember some cruel abuse, but how can I get angry when I never let myself feel? It's just intellectual now, it seems. I can see how my caregivers and relatives were stupid, but I can't connect with emotions
I never let myself have.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Restin

I refused to show anger because it meant they were getting to me.

Just because you didn't show it, doesn’t mean you didn't feel it. And you're in a different place now, so by being able to remember different situations you can better identify anger.

[ThisWayOut]

It takes work to be able to turn those emotions back on. Maybe thinking about something that made you angry is one step closer to turning them on again?

Though I cam relate to feelings like that meaning vulnerability. For the longest time I revised to allow myself to feel anger or sadness. I numbed everything out. I'm just now learning what anger fella like, and what situations should illicit anger in me. I find it much easier to be Abney on behalf of someone else though. It still takes me a long while top identify and be OK with anger relating to myself (abuse, etc)

Do you ever feel angry at your T? I wonder if this could be a way to access your childhood anGer. At times I've been feeling a bit angry with my T, I think it is perhaps because we are a complete mismatch - but I have actually been wondering if there is a benefit to being a mismatch as it has made me re-experience a lot of childhood emotion which I think has been helpful.

[Restin]

It does look like I need to work on this more. I forgot that anger was there even if I tried not to feel it. I haven't been doing this long, about remembering the bad things, but i understand it's important even if just in token form.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

It takes work to be able to turn those emotions back on. Maybe thinking about something that made you angry is one step closer to turning them on again?

Though I can relate to feelings like that meaning vulnerability. For the longest time I refused to allow myself to feel anger or sadness. I numbed everything out. I'm just now learning what anger feels like, and what situations should illicit anger in me. I find it much easier to be angry on behalf of someone else though. It still takes me a long while to identify and be ok with anger relating to myself (abuse, etc)

Apologies, I didn't proof that well before posting... I corrected in the above.

[Restin]

You're fine, Thiswayout, You should see some of the mis-statements and spelling I come out with. Being angry takes a lot of energy, too, and I don't feel like working it up even though my relatives did plenty to make a little kid angry. As far as being angry at T is concerned, I can't take too much conflict without terror and dissociation. I did get almost in a rage when she suggested my inner child "could be a little older". I really came out and defended that I need to be whatever age I am in therapy, and skipping over years isn't going to work. Turned out T meant the inner child could escape fears by being older for awhile. Grist for the mill. Anger is very important and is strong protection against fear.

[Open Eyes]

The purpose of anger is that it often can open a door to being able to articulate the things that have somehow "hurt" an individual. It is also a part of the grieving process as well because it can represent the anger of something "lost" to the individual as a result of abuse and neglect and proper nurturing.

What you have discribed is a child that learned how to withdraw and become emotionally numb. That would make sense if a child did not have access to a nurturing presence that was willing to help them feel and understand these emotions. Many who disassociate and withdraw from talking about a challenged history do so because they never really had someone help them or allow them to feel emotions. Often children learned how to find ways of not being seen or heard somehow because they were often punished or abused in some way. Or even allowed to have their own boundaries that are respected by others. It is no wonder a child would withdraw in an effort to have some kind of boundary right?

One of the challenges I had myself was that whenever I tried to talk my father always interupted me to correct the way I tried to talk about anything really. I got so I began to actually struggle to talk, especially to adults and I actually had a kind of studder from my brain coming up with words and getting them to come out of my mouth. Also by being the youngest child in my family, my siblings tended to interupt and talk over me a lot as well. I also learned that the emotions of others around me had to come first as well. So in a way early on I was learning how to become a codependent, long before I would ever even hear that word, much less know what it meant.

Actually, what helped me was playing by myself and having my dolls and play animals talk to each other and then I used to read aloud to myself and later what helped was babysitting for children as they loved having me talk to them and read to them and rarely if ever insisted on correcting me.

When I witnessed so much of what I had created and loved destroyed and broke down and developed PTSD, what made it worse was how upon reaching out for help all the ways I was talked over, interupted, misdiagnosed, and being told in one way or the other not to feel. I began to feel anger that I did not even know I had in me too. I have been working on that a lot too. I have been working on it in ways others have no idea I am working on it too. Especially here in these forums.

You probably have anger, you just don't know it, I didn't.

[Lady Lindsey]

I actually have a part of me who is anger and nothing but anger. I have a hard time connecting with him. I completely dissociate I cant even get to be an observer
My main voice always fills me in on the "highlights" so I guess part of me is very angry and has no problem expressing anger. However he rarely is present. Maybe a total of 10 times in my whole life and I am 49. Last time he was present was when I terminated with my x-t he came present in full force. That was odd as there has only been one other time his anger came iut to defend me. All the other times it was to defend someone I loved or cared for
Honestly Anger frightens me. He is one of the few parts I am not co conscious with or have not integrated with. Anger is a very hard emotion to deal with. Maybe if you look deep inside you. You might connect.

If you like meditation I have found Tara Brachs guide's loving kindness meditation and forgiveness meditation very healing for me and for a way to safeky start to rwconnect with the part of ne holding different emotions

If you notice I call them parts of me verses alters... I use to have seperate names but as I heal and work towards integration. Which for me was such a scary concept at one time. I find that starting to accept the alters as part of me and not someone to get rid of but to accept with living kindness...the more co concious I become the more our thoughts work in tandum together and the more whole I become as I accepts the parts as part of myself and learn to accept the emotion and feelings that go with it and heal as that part becomes one with me and no longer seperate.......anger however is a very hard part for me to touch... I understand how scary it is to even yry and connect with anger.... when you are ready you will. Maybe talk to your therapist about working on the part that holds fear or some other safer emotion.
I strongly recommend looking up Tara Brach doing a google seaech. Her guided meditations are free and she also has guided learning how to meditate. It really has helped me over a great deal of time to connect safely with the emotions that have seperated as parts. So that then me and my t can work on the trauma and the emotion held by that part. Hope all that made sense