[peaches100]

I have a question just for those of you who would describe themselves as having severe attachment difficulties (maternal transference, difficulty trusting, equally feel desperate for love & nurture from their t but equally terrified of attachment, push-pull dynamics, etc.)

Have you ever had to endure a fairly long break from therapy (say, a month long, when you usually see them weekly)?

If so, how did it affect your feelings of attachment? Did you miss them at the same intensity for the entire break? Or was it harder at the beginning of the break? Were you eager to see your t when she got back? Or by the end of the break, had you progressed from missing them terribly to feeling detached and reluctant to return to t? Did you ever feel that the break had been so difficult and painful that since you had endured that long already, maybe it was best to continue with less support and reduce the frequency of your sessions? If you did this, did it help you become less attached, and more independent, and eventually easier to let go of your t?

This is my situation now. It will have been 1 month since I saw my t. It has been very painful for me, too painful (although I know it is irrational and based on my past). That having been said, now that I've managed to endure almost a month without her, and have struggled through the pain of separation, I feel that maybe it would be best for me to start reducing my sessions with a view of becoming less dependent on my t and eventually terminating down the road.

I've been in therapy for a long time with my t (many years) and have struggled, both with the limits of the therapy relationship, and with the terror of eventual termination. I've had several instances where I wanted more support from my t than she was able to give. I've had unrealistic hopes that she could love me like she would her own kids, and that I would mean more to her than just a patient.

The bottom line is that because of my severe attachment deficits, I've wanted the t relationship to be more than it can be - and have been hurt and disappointed over and over again when I realize that the sort of relationship I want, and often feel that I need, with my t isn't within grasp.

What I find confusing about my t is that she actually encourages attachment inside the therapy room. But her boundaries are tight in terms of not wanting much, if any, outside contact. It's very hard for me to manage having my affections and attachment feelings stirred up in the room, only to have to ward off any resulting urges I have to communicate or engage that bond once my session is over.

My t insists it's a real relationship of caring, but it's hard for me to have confidence that it is real, when the only time we engage is for the 60 minutes per week that I pay for her to listen to me and help me. She really has not invited me into her life in any other way, except in upholding that 60 minutes of her attention that we've scheduled. How is that really a relationship if it exists only within a certain room, at a predetermined period of time, and is paid for?

But. . .back to the point. I transgress.

Now that I've had to endure a 1-month break from my t, and I am starting to come out the other side, I have to wonder if it would be best for me to voluntarily remain at a reduced level of session frequency? When I say "come out the other side," I don't mean that I am no longer attached to her or in pain regarding the limitations of the therapy relationship - but I have managed to detach from the painful emotions and expectations. I feel rather numb to them at this point in time. And that's rather familiar for me, because one of my biggest defense mechanisms against pain is to detach or, at times, dissociate the emotions that have been too hard to feel.

While I understand that this is not the best way to deal with separation pain, it does reduce the hurt, longing, and disappointment I feel and enables me to "do life" without constantly being aware of the painful emotions or needs. I'm beginning to believe it may be the only way that I can successfully reduce my dependency on my t.

Thoughts?

[Soccer mom]

I feel the exact same way. I haven't had a long break from my T. I think the longest was 2 1/2 weeks. And, as I posted before, it's so much easier to detach, suppress and not deal with all the wild emotions. I was just thinking last night "what is the point?". And, I've never asked my T. this. I know we are learning ways I relate to others and things I need to improve but what am I supposed to learn by attaching, soaking in what I can, grieving over what I can't have and then terminating?

I think Attachment Girl in Tales of a Boundary Ninja said all of this is to process what we didn't get as children. We need to run up against the boundaries and then grieve over what we didn't get with an attuned thearpist which will help heal. We need to interact with the T. and learn that we CAN get close to them, attach and it won't always hurt. For example, I have a hard time accepting nurturing from other (older) motherly type women. I instantly put a wall up. That's not great when that type of woman would be awesome to have in my life. So, I think I'm supposed to somewhat do that with my T. Learn to trust her, not put up my guard, learn that even though I may get hurt sometimes (as with all relationships), we can repair and move on maybe even strengthening our relationship. I think we are supposed to practice with them so it's easier for us outside of therapy.

I don't plan to ever terminate with mine. I've teased her that I'll be coming to her house when she retires (we're pretty much the same age - in our 40s). I plan to just space out until it's not as hard even if it's quarterly or twice a year. Perhaps this isn't the healthiest view, but it's making it easier for me right now.

Not sure if that helps. It kind of helped me to write it and I'm curious if my T. would agree.

[harvest moon]

My T takes 10 weeks off during summer, 2 in December and 2 in April. That is definitely A LOT, considering that there is no out of sessions contact (he doesn't have a mobile or an email etc).

It is very very painful for me at times. Especially during his last break this summer. I had a really sudden and traumatic breakup (5 year old relationship) just a few months before my T's long holidays. It was a really bad timing for me to lose my T for 10 whole weeks. Many times, I thought I wouldn't make it. I would count the days/weeks etc etc.

But even so, I prefer it this way. Yes I can TOTALLY relate to everything you said. And even more. But, knowing myself, if my T were to give me freely his support, outside our session time, and soothe my pain every time, I wouldn't find it so necessary to try and overcome my attachment issues or learn how to look for such relationships in the outside world. I would never want to become fully independent. Even now I spend half my time daydreaming about my T taking care of me and being like that forever. A good T knows how to be the 'good enough' mother we never had; but he also knows that he must facilitate our transition from attachment to growing and existing in the outside world. Else he is just being a replacement of the ideal object we all long for; sadly, this hole is never really filled. And even if a T gave us everything, hypothetically speaking, we'd still want more. At least I know this is the case with me. So, yes, boundaries exist for a reason.. But of course I share your thoughts and feelings and pain.. Very often.

PS. I agree with Soccer mom about the Tales of a Boundary Ninja; it offers great insight as to 'what seems as a cruel T behavior, is actually the road to healing'.