Terminated by a text. AM I AN ABUSER?? GOING CRAZY

I do not expect nor would I tolerate a therapist "pulling me up" on anything. I don't think one can hurt a therapist - but even if one could - what the OP did here was nothing abusive, hurtful or even mildly unpleasant.

I agree with your comments, Middlemarcher.

Hello IndestructibleGirl-
I don't blame you at all for responding as you did to the behavior of your therapist. It really bothers me that a therapist would attach the word "abusive" to the exchange you described between the two of you. It makes me think of gaslighting. It doesn't matter whether you are sitting in a session with a therapist or they are contacting you with a schedule change, they are still required to conduct themselves professionally and that is not what your therapist did. If she was troubled by what you wrote, she should have waited until you met again and then discussed it with you. She should not have said that you were behaving abusively, when you indicated that you were upset by a cancellation-particularly when it's something that has happened multiple times, as I think you wrote. And, she should not have told you to find a different therapist-which yes, sounds exactly like she was terminating the therapy. That is what I would have interpreted had my therapist said those words to me, that the therapy is over.

The conversation with her after that response sounds like she is back tracking a bit, by saying she will meet with you but is still not taking responsibility for her troubling behavior. This bothers me so much because, for many of us, what our therapist says to us carries a great deal of weight. It can make us question ourselves, as you wrote-you feel insane. When it seemed clear that the therapist-the mental health professional- is the one responding in an unprofessional or wounding way, yet they are telling us we are the ones with the problem, we start to question ourselves and our mental stability, our sense of reality.

Of course, we always need to take responsibility for ourselves, and look at ourselves and our own behavior and consider what our own motives are/were and whether we can learn from something that happened or maybe behave in a healthier manner in the future-as we should in all of our relationships. But it is also true that there are therapist's who behave in unprofessional and damaging ways. You sound insightful about what you were thinking and feeling when you responded to her cancellation, which is part of what some of us are trying to accomplish in the therapy process. Beyond that, with the exchanges you described, your therapist responded in a very unfortunate manner and she needs to take responsibility for that fact. A therapist is responsible for behaving professionally in all of their interactions with you, not just the sessions. And, when they don't, they need to take responsibility for it in order to attempt to reestablish trust-if you are interested in continuing therapy with this person. I know how hard it is to leave a therapist if we feel attached to them but I think her behavior was very disturbing. I do wish you all the best.

T could have replied to the OP's 'why' text by saying something like "I know these cancellations are rough for you. Let's talk more about it next session."

She is the abusive one, not you.

She sounds SO superior and shaming. Her directives sounds like the tone of a parent giving a misbehaving 5-year-old a timeout. You're both adults; there's NOTHING that makes her superior to you. In fact, I think you handled the situation with far more graciousness than she.

I'd take no offense with anything you wrote in your note. You mentioned the cancellations' importance to you, but also had the generosity to inquire about her welfare.

In the communications you describe, she sounds like a Queen Bee-nee-pie. Therapy is not for shaming and punishment.

This seems like yet another example of a T with inconsistent boundaries over a period of time, who then freaks out because the client becomes (quite naturally) attached and confused about boundaries. The T then pushes the client away leaving them feeling indescribably hurt and rejected. This seems like quite a common problem in therapy and i wish it was better addressed in training. It can do terrible damage to a vulnerable client.
I'm sorry you are hurting IG, I agree that a new T would probably be the way to go

She's being paid to make you feel this way? Think about that for a second. She's being paid. To make you feel this way.

Termination is the only logical response (on your part, not hers) followed by reporting her to whatever authority is responsible for half-baked therapists not terminating vulnerable clients over text message because their panties were in a wad that day.

IG, I've often thought your T sounded like a really unstable person and that you suffered a lot for it. She has terrible judgement and doesn't seem able to maintain an appropriate relationship with you. She loves you, she offers you a job, she hates you, she shares your emails with the person to whom she gave the job instead of you, she's happy to work pro-bono until suddenly, without discussion, she's not. And that's just for starters! She sounds positively toxic. i think this merits no further discussion with her. Find another t.

Seems to me that unlimited texts and phone calls can be seen as abusive. However as the T, it is on her to her the limits for these things If. has gotten too much for her she needs to let you know in person and acknowledge her part in having allowed this to go on to the point where she snapped. If she is not feeling well or has family stuff going on she should be letting you know that at this time she needs ad break from the calls and texts.

That was so inappropriate and needlessly histrionic. If I were you I'd capitalize on her suggestion to find a new therapist. Not because you were behaving abusively, but because she's behaving like a princess and that has no place in the therapeutic relationship – least of all from the therapist.

Thank you guys for your sensible and kind words

I am a bit smashed after a beer & valium cocktail to take the edge off, but thank you for all of it. Sorry I can't be more eloquent. I really appreciate it. Feel much less crazy thanks to you guys and having talked it over with friends.

I don't think it is in my own best interests to continue this so-called therapeutic relationship. Is too confusing. I feel a wee bit sad, but just want to get on with my life and focus on the good stuff, and not get bogged down in complicated worries about what my therapist is doing or what she could be thinking or wondering why the hell she does the things she does.

It's always a gamble in that yes the problem could all be me and yes I might actually be the spawn of the devil, who drove my poor therapist to make some awful choices - I don't think I can ever really kill off the voice that suggests that is what has happened. BUT the stronger louder voice says hell to the no! It's not my fault, actually. So I will not be engaging any further.

Goodness! therapy is supposed to be the one place where you can be yourself, and let it all hang out, and not have to worry about repercussions. Instead, your therapist reacted with name calling and threatening to abandon you. This is so unhealthy for your own healing. It is counterproductive to what I imagine you're trying to achieve, which is to engage better with the world and with relationships.I hope you can find a therapist to instill safety and calm in you, or at the very least, doesn't make life feel more frantic than it already is.

I am shocked by this. Previous posters state more clearly than I can why this therapist is out of line. Omg, the boundary changes, the placing her needs above yours, the whole f'ing thing. She is out of control.

I am so very sorry this is happening and sincerely hope you can stay safe and as calm as possible. Please consider getting a new therapist to help you. This woman is going to continue to hurt you.

I'm so sorry.

To be honest the text you sent was rude and disrespectful. But not abusive. I can see why she be not tolerant of it. I am not with my clients. she did not react in a professional manner as well and that's not okay too. She should have waited till see saw you next to reset the boundaries and what type of behaviour she tolerates and does not. Maybe focus on ways you can not so passive-aggressively express your feelings in a respectful and positive manner. I am sorry she sent you the terminate next, that was a way over reaction. But I think it's important for you too to have some insight and take responsibility for your actions. A therapist deserves to be treated in a respectful manner, of course you can act out non-violently in therapy swear etc as long as it is not personally attacking or being disrespectful. Hope you all work this out!!!

I hope y'all sort it out!

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But if a trained psychotherapist finds me so objectionable that she/he can't carry on with me, I would look seriously into myself, especially if the separation made me feel such anxiety. Therapists can endure so much more than ordinary people, because that is their gig in life. So, such a strong threat to terminate most likely is based on something that really is abusive and that no therapist could tolerate for long.

It makes my teeth itch when a therapist encourages someone to become dependent on them and invites strong emotion, then does this. Didn't you share a text not long ago where your therapist told you to go ahead and let loose, be angry, that she'd take it? I don't know how someone is supposed to know the edge when there's been none in place for so long.

/\
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l GREAT POST!!!

The woman coaxed you to the edge but never told you where that edge was and when you stepped off it, she blamed you. Might think about sending that to her as an example of her technique!

Okay, probably not a good idea to send her the post, but it just makes me crazy when therapists get to spout all their psycho-babble to explain why a client abruptly terminates or why they have to terminate a client for not following their prescribed boundaries.

Rude and disrespectful how, exactly?

Passive aggressive interpretation - yes, I admit there was an element of that. Rude how? Disrespectful how???

Do you mean, intrusive? That doesn't sit well with me.

This is somebody who told me deeply, deeply personal information when it suited her about her own health, her family's health, about rape and miscarriage and sexual activity.

This is somebody who used to tell me she was sick and that's why she had to cancel, or that her mother was ill, or that her dog needed to be rushed to the vet, or that another client was in danger of domestic violence and she had to rush to the police to help do something. Ie she used to offer an explanation when needing to cancel.

I have been privy to her being extremely sick, knowing about ambulances being called to save her.

I have got weird texts when she wasn't well, messing with my sessions and countless rescheduling, because she was sick.

I was bloody genuinely concerned and wished more than anything I could look after her when she was so sick - and every time now I think of her hurt I get pangs and wish I could take it all away and make her feel better. Hence, I could not resist asking after her health in the text.

So, how am I meant to know suddenly that this open communication was to cease? Jesus I am not a mindreader. Sorry, I know as I say my text to her can be seen as passive aggressive - but rude? or disrespectful? No. Just no. Not in the relationship that we had. It was not either of those things.

Thanks I guess I am an evil abusive cu.nt who preys on poor helpless little therapists, conning them into loving me and acting in an unprofessional manner, and that's really actually my fault..oh wait, I don't actually believe that.

Yep, she did. She encouraged me to let loose my anger, reassured me it would be fine, and that it could be very beneficial.

It's all a mindfu.ck.

Some of the most fragile, defended, controlling, self-oblivious human beings I've dealt with have been therapists. Angering one certainly is no indication of a client's inappropriateness or defect.

I see nothing disrespectful in what OP wrote. The therapist need not respond. I do have students and clients who would do exactly what OP did and I do not get all wadded up and talk about what I tolerate or do not tolerate. The therapist is just a hired hand - not some god. If this is the level that a therapist finds disrespectful, then in my opinion the therapist needs to go do some work on being entirely over-sensitive.

It irritates me greatly that now I won't be able to get a couple of letters I need to back me up on two different things. Luckily, I think my pdoc will do them, but it's a case of the more letters from healthcare professionals the stronger my case would be - and now I've lost that extra evidence. Bollocks to it all.

IG, I have to admit I will worry about you if you stop therapy. Maybe this T is not right for you and you're just not a good mix with each other. That happens.

I'm worried because not too long ago you were feeling really despairing and low. Sometimes your emotions seem to take over and if the emotions are dark that's not such a good thing.

If you want to call it quits with this particular T, it might be a good idea. But what about the future? I know the temptation is strong to say, "I've had it with this T crap." I'm just wondering if that's the wisest thing. You might be feeling okay and even strong right now, but there seems to have been a pattern where you've talked about your emotions taking over. I'm concerned that you won't have help available at a crucially needed time if you don't take the time now to hunt for another T or figure things out with your current T.

I've read a lot of your posts since I've been at Psych Central. While there's been a little bit of a love/hate thing going on with your T, I never got the feeling you and your T had something toxic going. Bluntly, I found your text passive-aggressive and passive-aggression is still aggression. Score one against AG. But your T responded with a termination threat, which she obviously didn't mean seeing she later said you could talk about it in session. Score 2 against T. Hmmm ... I don't really believe in keeping score. I'm just saying you both blew it. Nobody knows what's going on with your T, why she canceled on you. Things happen in a person's life, including a T's life, that aren't so good and short tempers ensue. Yeah, it would be ideal if Ts never lost their cool, but I don't believe in super humans, so I can forgive some degree of flawed behavior and inconsistency if everything else is good.

Have things been good enough, in general, with your T (in sober consideration) that want to work it out? When she threatened termination, you begged for a second chance. Was that just a knee-jerk response, or do the two of you have something good going? I seem to remember she went the extra mile with you when you were feeling so low not too long ago. Does that count for anything? If her display of temperament cancels out the good, and it might, I hope you find a good fit with someone else ASAP and some real help so your life can be as good as possible. I wish you well. (And I will worry about you and keep you in my thoughts. Take Care, IG.)

A Therapist's job is to help you. Period. If a Therapist is incapable and/or unwilling to maintain healthy boundaries then you need to find a new one.

A Therapist is there to give advise, unhindered by personal feelings toward the client.

He or she can not be effective if their guidance to a client elicits a strong emotional response in themselves.

You need to find a new Therapist, not because you sent a text or whatever, but because you simply deserve better.

Do you mean letters from her? You are still her client. Why are you catastrophisizing? If thats a word.