Terminated by a text. AM I AN ABUSER?? GOING CRAZY

As it goes, I didn't have to figure out if I should cancel my session today. My (ex?) therapist cancelled again by text this morning.

I felt mixed about this. Relieved because it was a get out for me, and also annoyed at another cancellation, and sad because of the empty chasm of space between us. So, I texted back:

"Ok. Are you alright?? What keeps happening that you need to cancel? There's so much distance between us. I know that doesn't matter to you but it matters to me. If you're sick I hope you feel better quickly."

She replied saying that was the third time she found my behaviour abusive, and to please find myself another therapist. Best wishes.

This is where my heart dropped out of my arse. Massive surge of adrenalin and could not stop shaking. I did the obvious thing and sent two more texts, "Please don't do this. Please don't terminate me." and "Please don't let go." and left a short voicemail saying please, please can we not do this. Please.

7 minutes after Termination Text, she replied to my pleading saying let's discuss it at the session, and 'no more behaviour like that again'. 20 mins after that, she texted again, to say she wants me to keep a reflective journal on how my behaviour affects others. Choose a couple of people and bring it in. That we will decide what happens going forward, on Wednesday.

I. feel. insane.

Now, I have recovered from the first mad rush of fear when she terminated, I am not actually sure what I want to do about this situation at all.

Can somebody explain what is happening, if you have any ideas. Am I just so far gone down the road of being an abusive arsehole that I can't even recognize when I am hateful to people anymore? I don't really buy that, but wtf else could it all mean?

I don't see anything abusive in your reply.

There is nothing abusive in your reply. I find "I know that doesn't matter to you but it matters to me" to be passive-aggressive. But that's ok, and a therapist should be able to deal with that.

Honestly, I have read your many posts before and always thought that your T was a nut who didn't have her own stuff worked out enough to keep her boundaries consistent and not take things personally. I think that this is the primary reason you're having so much trouble in therapy. I believe that if you had a skilled, consistent T, once or twice a week would not be so hard, and therapy wouldn't be so destabilizing.

Telling you to keep a journal on how your behavior affects others is one step shy of having you write sentences for punishment. I think she's treating you like a child. I would not tolerate it. And what is it, 3 strikes and you're out? For crying out loud.

I really hope you'll consider finding another T. I identify strongly with your posts, but I have the benefit of an excellent T who has been totally consistent from day 1. I really, really think that you would flourish, given time and a good T.

There was absolutely nothing abusive or hateful in that text. If that is your text verbatim, then I don't know why your T is responding so defensively other than due to her own insecurities or personal issues. I wouldn't return to a T after a response like that. Can you bring yourself to start looking for a new therapist? You have a right to be very upset - she is very unprofessional.

Your text was fine. Did something happen prior, like at your previous session or in between, that would have caused her cancellation and cruel behavior toward you?

This is not a healthy situation at all, but I think you've known that. It's very hard to break free from relationships like this. A therapist is supposed to help you get out of them, not create a new one.

Thank you. I do realize it was passive aggressive, although that wasn't how it was meant. How it was meant was, 'God, I miss you so much because I love you and it's ****ing hard. However I know you don't feel like that remotely, and that's hard too.' But that seemed kind of heavy, so I was trying to be more offhand. I was half worried she was ill.

The journal thing feels a bit off.

It feels like she has done a 180 and now believes I'm this evil thing and need to be shown how it's all my own fault. Well, **** that.

Three and out is about right too. I don't understand any of this.

Thanks. Yes, those were my exact words. I checked back to see what was the last text I sent before that, in case it was something there too - but it definitely can't have been that. It was about listening to birdsong on Youtube and drinking tea when I felt anxious

I don't feel like returning. It doesn't feel very safe. Doubtful.

I keep saying it, but I just don't understand.

Thank you.

No, nothing extraordinary happened at all. We were both quite cheerful after the first cancellation, and she thanked me for being flexible and I thanked her for finding a different time. Texts after that were about being anxious. I have been emailing a good bit, as per usual, but they are all about stuff external to the relationship. Nothing that could piss her off inadvertantly I don't think?

It is unhealthy. My mind is boggled. I don't even know how to quit the relationship maturely. Part of me feels like never engaging again in any way, but then that feels a bit cowardly.

Pissing me about terminating by a ****ing text and then saying ooh no come to your session and maybe if you're good enough you can stay - that makes me quite annoyed.

It's crazymaking and completely unprofessional. Not to mention emotionally abusive.

Honestly, her terminating you would be the best thing she could do- and that's saying stg because I think terminating client over a msg is unprofessional to say the least. From the things you've shared here she is not a good enough fit for you- and I'm being very polite here.
She is the one being abusive in this situation...

Okay. I know you dont really like my posts, but here goes anyway. When a t cancels a session, by text or phone or whatever, it is not an invitation to us to engage in any sort of long discourse. We should just say, message received, perhaps confirm the next appointment, and end on a positive note, wishing the t success - in feeling better, in digging out of the snow, in seeing his dentist, whatever.

They are really only your t while you are sitting across from each other. Once you stand up to leave, you can treat each other like normal people. Okay, that might be stretching it. But a text or a phonecall - yeah, they are in normal person mode, not t mode. And i think thats why she wants you to think about how your actions affect other people. It was all about you, not about her. Even this thread - youre making people think you were really terminated, but you werent. That upsets people unnecessarily, untruthfully. Isnt that abusive?

The two I see have said exactly the opposite of this.

OP - the therapist sounds like a unstable abusive therapist to me.

Im referring more to them saying, okay lets begin; lets end here. Thats when they have their t eyes and ears and heart and brain engaged. The rest of the time, they are just wearing their t hat!

It sounds to me like your T has some problems of her own. It seems like a harsh overreaction to a reaction she should have at least expected on your part. I kind of feel like if a therapist cancels they should give some kind of reasoning too, maybe people will disagree with me, but I think it would worry and bother me not to know. Your reaction wasn't the best, i.e. a bit passive aggressive, but that is far from abusive in my book and I don't think it warrants her to threaten to terminate you. I do think that her reaction was borderline abusive, obviously she set out to stress hurt and frighten you. In your shoes I might actually look for a new therapist. When I've sent weird or off texts to my therapist maybe he doesn't respond, but I would be blown away if he ever responded to me like that... I think it would change our whole dynamic.

Hankster, I do like your posts, I think you are insightful and wise and always pay attention to them, actually. I don't know why you are saying otherwise. I think we disagreed on one occasion on one of my threads.

Thanks for offering your perspective on this. Fair enough. That is your opinion, I don't agree with it, but if it works for you and your therapist I am genuinely pleased for you. It's something I never considered - that perhaps my therapist really just wanted me to say ok and bring it up in session that I was pissed about the cancellation.

And eh yeah I was terminated?? Just because she took it back it makes it okay?! I don't ****ing think so!!!

Right now, I wouldn't trust her to piss on me if I was on fire! (It would probably be too much of a boundary crossing ) I definitely do not consider myself to have a therapist - a painful, chaotic and undefined relationship with somebody I love, yes. But it is not therapeutic. I feel a bit ****ing abused by her actions, to be quite frank!

You can't take termination back just like that. You can't joke around with it.

It would not be a far stretch for me to feel slightly psychologically abused by her today, yes. Except I'm a tough cookie, and once somebody does something breath-takingly mean my heart hardens towards them.

Dynamic has changed remarkably in the space of one text message. I don't feel a warm glow when I think of her. I don't feel warmth when I think of all the nice times, and heartfelt moments. I just feel very uneasy and conned.

Ig - thanks. Btw, i reserve "termination" for a specific therapeutic process that lasts over a year and is a planned positive ending to t - its not like getting fired from a job, also called termination, or getting dead or whatever. This i would just call changing or between ts. its never over!

I do not think you're being abusive. As someone else said, maybe passive aggressive. If that's abusive, then I have been way abusive to my T since she's gotten 2 long passive aggressive emails from me But it's not abusive.

I would interrupt your T as the one who is being abusive. Terminating in that way is callous and unprofessional...especially for a T!

Abusive? There was nothing abusive in your reply. Was it a bit passive aggressive? Yes and she's a T, so that's her job to deal with it.

I'm of the mindset that if a T provides a means of contact it should be expected that the T is always a T through that means of contact and it remains their job to maintain boundaries. Her behavior is out of line and I think you need to find a new T. I know that's not easy and this kind of behavior is hurting you.

My therapist is always my therapist--inside and outside the office. She doesn't provide therapy outside of session, but her role remains the same. I saw her out in the "wild" once and she was her same self with me as she is in session. Friendly and kind. If she'd said Eff off. I'm not dealing with you, that would not have been okay just because we weren't in the therapy room.

Your therapist doesn't have a pass to treat you like this just because you're not in session. Also, doesn't she have a history of not being well or having some sort of physical ailment that messed up your schedule a while back? I don't think you were out of line to ask if she was sick because that's been something that's affected your sessions.

I don't think your text was "abusive". As you yourself mentioned, however, it was a bit passive/aggressive. Not surprising in my opinion, considering what has gone in your therapy with this therapist. I'm sorry it's been so painful for you.

I did want to address why I think HER behavior is professionally and therapeutically abusive. Hankster mentioned that when a "t cancels a session, by text or phone or whatever, it is not an invitation to us to engage in any sort of long discourse." I happen to agree with her. BUT that's applies to a therapist who is well boundaried, consistent, flexible and stable. . . Something your therapist has definitely NOT demonstrated at any point during your time with her.

She has encouraged dependence by allowing lengthy two or three hour sessions multiple times a week, unlimited emails and texting back and forth. And when she gets tired or believes things aren't going according to plan, she changes the boundary with no in-depth discussion and negotiation.

I think she has a major savior complex (her own unresolved psychological issues and probably the reason she went into mental health), and now she's getting overwhelmed because things haven't turned out the way she expected them to--namely, you get well according to her time line and you're eternally grateful to the great and all wise therapist who gave of herself like Mother Theresa ..

She has not kept a consistent boundaries and I think what has happened is that she's no longer sure how to handle the relationship; so she resorts to shaming and punishment. Even her terminating you by text was an obvious angry knee reaction type response. And I agree with another poster who thinks that the "assignment" of telling you to keep a journal about how your behavior affects others is a blatant punishment--in a sense, it's like pushing the puppy's nose in his pee when he has an accident. It's fine to have someone do a journal like this BUT not immediately after a rupture has occurred and the client is in angst and anxiety about what the heck happened to the positive feelings between herself and her therapist. Just wrong in sooooo many ways.

Once your therapist always your therapist. The relationship should never be anything more or anything less. All out of session contact should be held in a very professional manner. I think your T was wrong in sending a text cancellation, in my opinion she should have called you. I don't see anything "abusive" about your response but I do see something wrong with "What keeps happening that you need to cancel? There's so much distance between us. I know that doesn't matter to you but it matters to me." The relationship is one-sided and has nothing to do about her. She might have felt weird about you asking questions regarding her. Like you kind of put her on the spot so she referred to that as "abusive." Just a guess.

In my opinion, I don't think this T is the right T for you. You might be much happier with another T. Good luck!

I don't think your T has handled this well. She should know that cancelling is hard for a client and should provide an explanation and expect you to feel abandoned and accept your expression of this. I don't think your text was at all abusive. And she has allowed you to text and email your thoughts and feelings before. I think there are times we can feel that our actions become twisted in therapy by our T and we are made to feel a bit insane, when this is not the case. And it is very hard when we are, despite it all, hugely attached. I'm sending hugs, I also think you deserve better.

I see nothing abusive in what you wrote. The T was abusive and unprofessional

I do not believe that just because a therapist is a therapist they can let negative behaviors go by and 'contain' everything. My T recently pulled me up on something I said. However she did so gently, in the confines of the room at the start of a session. She also took time to reassure me she was still there and nothing had changed. It was difficult to hear that I acted in a way that could cause hurt.

So all that being said, it is not ok in any way to terminate or deal with this by text. It's not ok for her to scold you or be reactive. If she felt your behaviour was inappropriate (whether it was or wasn't) that is a discussion for a session. If she wants to place her boundaries then she can IN session. If she, as your therapist, really wants to help change behaviour then she should discuss it and process it in a safe way.

Terminating by text is unacceptable and even if she "takes it back" the relationship has been dented.

The problem as I see it is that this therapist does not have the ability to handle the client's question professionally. There is nothing wrong, in my opinion, with a client who asks what is going on that you have to cancel so often. The therapist does not have to answer but does need to allow the client to express it and talk about it and even be angry at the therapist over it if that is how the client feels. That is the job of the therapist. The therapist had many different responses other than the one she gave that would be appropriate but also not make her answer personal. I would not answer a client who asked me that question, but I would not fire the client for asking it. One could say "we can talk about it at the appointment" or (and I would expect this sort of thing from a therapist) "I understand you are upset and angry that I have to keep changing the appointment and we can talk about it at the appointment" - a client gets to have feelings about what the therapist does to them and the therapist does need to be able to handle a client being angry at them for what they do.