The best/worst thing that could have happened to me

T told me today that she works at the crisis line I use and occasionally make up stories on. She only works there once a week, and as far as I know/as far as she knows we've never spoken, but this freaks me out a lot, because I thought calling there was a safe thing for me to do, and a safe way to get needs met, even bad needs, but now it feels way less safe. And also, we might have spoken in the past without either of us knowing it, because I've been using their services since I was thirteen, and maybe I will tell her something in therapy and she will realize she already heard it from a kid calling the crisis line (me). And it makes me not ever want to go on there ever again to make stuff up, because she would figure out it was me if she happened to be taking the call/chat.

So this seems to be a good thing, except that sometimes I actually use that line for real emotional support when I need it, and about the making stuff up part, I don't know how to stop! Even with this fear now, it feels like an addiction, and I can't talk to T about it now that I know she works there and knows people there and might have at some point unknowingly taken one of my calls/chats. It feels too close to home to talk to her about it now, even though she does know that I have gone on a crisis line before to make up stories (but I didn't tell her which one).

I feel sort of...violated...which is ridiculous, since technically I'm the one violating the counsellors that work there by making up stories. But it still freaks me out that she might know stuff about me that I revealed to people on that line without knowing she worked there...and I know crisis lines sometimes keep records of calls/chats (the one I volunteer at does, and the volunteers debrief with each other after calls/chats), so she might know stuff I said on there without even having taken my calls/chats...I feel very sick about it.

I'm not sure what to say. I guess this is a good way to broach the addiction piece of calling the hotline and lying to get needs met. Even without telling T that you are calling the hotline she works with, you could talk about the issues around someone figuring out who you are, and perhaps getting needs met in another way.

Unless T takes your voice call (even if she does), it is difficult to pinpoint who you are speaking with. I recently had a situation where I contacted a chat and they thought I was someone else. I had not contacted them in the recent past, but apparently my story was very similar to one that had contacted them earlier in the day...

Maybe it's best to tell her how your feelings and this addiction you have calling the crisis line. She can help you figure out way you do this and help you develop healthy ways to get your needs met. She not going think badly of you or judge you. Nor do I think badly of you. The safe way to get your needs met is telling people directly what you need, not the crisis line (unless you are in a real mental health crisis) . The crisis line is there for people who need immediate help and by you using it to make up stories is not fair to people working there and the people who really need it. I'm curious I ask you why do you call the crisis line? What about it makes it safe for you to call and why do you make up stories?

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The particular crisis line isn't a suicide crisis line or something like that; it's a general helpline for kids/teens/youth (up to university students, I think age 25 or something), and I've called them lots of times before in the past six or so years for real issues I was having, so I felt safe because of that...the making up stories part, I've talked about it with T and we have concluded that it is probably because I feel like my own issues aren't big enough to warrant attention/care/someone taking me seriously, so I make up stories in order to have someone take me seriously and tell me the real feelings I have are okay, or just to feel less alone. Or sometimes I write out things that actually did happen to me when I was little and pretend that they're happening now, I guess so I can get the care I needed then and sort of get a "reparative" (?) experience. It's gratifying.

T doesn't judge me for it, and we are working on getting that need met in other ways, but sometimes it's just...there...and overwhelming. And now I just don't feel comfortable talking about it with T at all because I think if I tell her the actual things I said on there, she might realize she took one of my chats in the past, or she might tell it to the other people she works with...I know that would probably be a good thing in the long run, but I just feel like T now has a way to "keep tabs" on one of my maladaptive and very shameful coping mechanisms.

And also I don't feel comfortable now contacting them even if I had a real issue (which I often do, and find them sometimes helpful). I think T would figure out who I was just based on the things I generally say to counsellors on that line, like mentioning my family, or other identifying-ish details about my life that would make it pretty clear to someone who knows me...and I guess the solution is probably just, if I need it, use a different crisis line, but for some reason I've gotten very attached to that one...that's probably another problem in itself, although to be fair, I've called them for six-ish years and they're the only line I know that isn't a suicide crisis line or a line specifically for mental health issues. But yes, I know the solution is actually very simple, and I should just stop...

How did it come up that she works there one day a week? I guess I'm wondering if it was her way of letting you know it's okay with her, that she gets it?

lol thats happened to me before...accusing me of having already called when i havent. makes you feel less alone tho knowing theres someone out there in the same boat as you and they even sound like you, too! lol.

She actually told me that she gets it about my attention need/need to replay things before, and that she wasn't judging me for the crisis line thing and that as we work through more stuff, that need would hopefully not feel as big. And I believed that. It just came up today because I was telling her about some sui thoughts I was having and she mentioned that I could try calling that helpline (I hadn't mentioned the name of it to her before) because the counsellors there are very good, but she also works there once a week and picks up occasional shifts at other times, and I should still call/chat if I want/need to, but if I get her on the phone or on chat then we would have to disconnect and I could call back to talk to someone else and she wouldn't answer the line, but that she thinks it would be really good for me to call as an additional source of support.

I hadn't mentioned it to her that I'd called that specific helpline before, but when she said it to me today I told her that I'd called there before and it makes me really uncomfortable now to know she works there and I don't want to call anymore, and she said she was sorry and she really didn't want to upset me or make me feel uncomfortable, and she thinks the line would be a good support for me between sessions and with sui thoughts as well, but she just thought she should let me know that she works there in the very unlikely event that I got her on the phone. I didn't tell her this was the line I used for my attention seeking stuff, and I didn't mention how often I'd used the line before; mostly I was just really freaked out that I had called so many times (often about real things) and that every time I might have gotten my therapist on the other line, or that maybe I even did get her on the (chat) line at some point and didn't know it.

And part of me is also worried that someday if I start feeling very attached to her (which I don't right now, but if I did in the future), I might call/chat there just to talk to her/feel close to her...I don't feel any desire to do that right now, and T will probably tell me not to worry about it (she hates when I worry about hypothetical things that might come up in our relationship sometime in the future), but I worry that I might...and part of me is also like, I can probably gain a whole lot of information about how this helpline works from my T...so I feel like I am not in such a good place. Also, I have used the helpline sometimes to brainstorm/practice things I needed to say to T in our next session...

And I miss T a lot right now...this is the worst...

For some people, it's easier to make up a story to get attention than to reveal what's honestly going on in their lives, but they still need the attention and kindness and help.

If you called now and got her, you'd probably recognize each other's voices. If it comes out that you're the kid who calls with untrue stories it might be a good way to get down to talking about the need for attention and how you go about getting it. Some people do really terrible things, as in harming people or animals, to get attention. You call a helpline and maybe that's your way of asking for help without hurting anyone.

I wish you the best and hope you can feel comfortable with calling your safe place when you need attention. Don't be too hard on yourself. Eventually you'll come to understand your actions and will be able to get attention in more positive ways. Take care!

Thanks for this, SnakeCharmer. T has said the exact same thing about the attention thing, and she doesn't judge it as a coping mechanism...I judge it though, and she wants me to be kinder to myself...it's a work in progress. About recognizing each other's voices - it's not so much on the phone, but usually I like the online chat better, and that one I wouldn't recognize her writing, but she would definitely recognize mine, just because of the things I talk about and because I have a really distinctive "voice" when I write too...so that worries me...even though the solution of not going on there seems like a really simple one...but hard.

Odd...I used to do this. Religiously call hotlines for support. I guess I'm not sure when it stopped being something I could live without. But some days id spend every waking hour on hotline after hotline as long as I was talking to -someone- anyone.

I did once run across someone who worked at a clinic I went to but I didn't see her personally so it was okay.

Yes, I've had phases like that too...this is just a particularly bad/long lasting one. But often they just subside on their own...maybe...hopefully...

Ahh I see! I know about doing something that makes you feel safe...sometimes it's easier to be anonymous or someone else. I don't do what you do, but i have safe areas go to or contacts. I have mentor or good friends I talk with too that I don't tell any one else. Or I go to a coffee shop. I tend to disappear for a while. I find being out doors walks with myself comforting. Those my safe places/habits I do!

It's hard to stop patterns especially when you been doing it for a long time. Just know you feelings and issues are significant, and deserve the care and attention. Try maybe seeing about a confidant who you know is a gentle and non judgmental person instead of always calling the hotline. Or waking. Or even on here -there are positive adaptive techniques I learned. I had maladaptive techniques like drinking too much or doing dangerous things do cope.

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i really think it would be good for you to bring this up in therapy. it is an addiction of sorts and you need to be treated for it. you could always change the name of the crisis line.

That's the thing, I guess...I really don't have anyone else to talk to. And here doesn't really count because I find it stresses me a lot to be on here all the time and is maladaptive for my real life...

How do you feel about trying a group and meeting people there? Just wondering no pressure!- yeah it's healthy to engage in real life too! What are some things you can do? Possibly that you find relaxing ! I hope you don't mind me asking these questions. If it's bothering you met me know.


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I have people in my life and groups I'm part of, volunteering, debate, other school extracurriculars, etc. I have people who I "hang out" with. But I don't have anyone I can sit down and have a real conversation with about how I'm feeling and get some support. And I'm working on it, but it's tiring.

you're not ready to give up that particular coping skill, and it doesn't sound like T is really pushing the issue. I think it would be helpful to talk to her about though. I have coping skills I'm not ready to give up yet for various reasons, and I have found T's who are willing to work with me around them. It's not that they necessarily condone my coping methods, but we are realizing the issues behind them need to be cleared up before i feel ok letting them go completely.
I know it's tough to talk about, but holding the shame around it isn't going to help you. T has confidentiality she has to uphold, which is why she told you that if she connected with you on the crisis line, she would need you to call back. It's confidentiality on both the hotline end of things, and the therapy practice. She can't tell them that she has a client who called, and it would be a conflict of interest for her to speak to you as a crisis worker.
I think if you can get past the fear of talking to T about what lying does for you, and what need it fills, you'll be able to move away from needing it.

I don't know how to talk about it with her now...it just feels like her loyalties would be split (?), like her loyalty to me and wanting to help me "get better" but also working there and having experience with taking calls and stuff and knowing how it feels maybe to be "tricked" by a caller and knowing that's not the organization's role...it's hard. I don't know how to really talk to her now, and she is sick of me bringing in things that I've written down and having her read them in session. I did that last session and she read it, but she really wanted me to talk to her instead, but I just don't know how...

Yeah I was in the place about 10 years ago. It took me about 8 years to establish amazing friends and family !!! It's tiring ! Keep trying tho

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