[Elkino]

Hi,

I like launching an idea/thought/statement and to start a conversation about a certain topic. Please, feel free to join.

How can one feel and experience things in a 'normal' way, when this person has had to deal with excessive feelings and emotions, by which he or she created different concepts of those feelings?

To give an example: Someone grew up finding it almost normal that his/her parents would say the meanest things to him/her.

Can this person have or get a better sense of what is normal/acceptable, not just by 'knowing' it, but also by feeling it on a deeper level? Do you think an awareness on an intellectual level can lead towards a kind or 'resetting' of those emotions/feelings, so that this person can be sincerely upset when, in the future, someone says something to him/her which before didn't really get to him/her?

[Ididitmyway]

Terrific question! Wow..This really gives me something to think about..

I don't think intellectual reasoning would help to understand what reactions are and aren't natural. It may help to observe how others whom you consider relatively healthy interact with each other just to get some ideas..But overall, it's going to be a very long process of attuning and listening to your body, to our basic senses. Our body knows what is and isn't acceptable. We just can't hear its messages often because we've been trained to dismiss them, to disconnect from our basic senses and to distrust them. Learning how to trust your body wisdom could be scary and can bring a considerable degree of pain. But it also brings liberation..This was my way of going back to "normal"..

I believe that emotions and reactions can change, at least for many people. That is, I believe, why therapy can work. The basis of our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs is chemical reactions and electrical impulses, and it seems to me that it should be possible to change such things, by talking about them repeatedly, with a person who is trained to listen and respond adequately.

I do not believe that there is such a thing as "normal", and I don't see the value in looking at what works for other people - for me that is a surefire way to misery. And I know for certain that my body has no clue what is best for me It is the last organism I should listen to if I actually want what is best for myself.

But yes, I do think that there is a connection between knowing something intellectually and knowing it at an emotional level. I don't think the connection is automatic, I believe that it may need to be reinforced a lot. But if intellectual knowledge didn't help, there would be no chance for me to ever get better, so I have to believe that it does. (And I know for a fact that it does, so I'm not particularly worried on that score. There is a lot of research on the subject.)

[ThisWayOut]

I think you can intellectually know things and still have emotional difficulty understanding it. Take a ptsd reaction: you can intellectually know something is not likely happening again in the moment but still have a difficult time regulating emotions around it. I get physical flashbacks. I can look and see the event is not currently happening, but it doesn't charge the emotional reaction to the memory of it (at least not yet).
intellectual awareness helps, but it doesn't necessarily make it easy to change.

[catonyx]

Interesting timing of this topic. This is something I struggle with.

Following.

[archipelago]

I have a tendency to have a strong reaction and then go numb, even freeze. I looked this up and there is a word for it "tonic response" like animals do playing dead. My therapist first saw it as a kind of dissociation and to some degree that is right, but adding in that it is a fundamental freezing that the nervous system does as part of survival when feeling endangered helped him figure out something.

Together we peeled back some layers to find out that when I was upset as a child I expected either a negative or no reaction so I tended to freeze instead to avoid that. My therapist decided that helping me would mean being responsive and even encouraging me at first to reach out. It didn't take too long for me to experience something else, something positive, that reaching out wasn't dangerous and would get a response. It really didn't take too long for me to accept that and not need to have it repeated. Now I don't really need to reach out since I know that I would get a decent response if I needed it. That is just internalizing what my therapist provided and making it part of me. Yes, this can be talked about but if it is "primitive" or related to elemental responses like in trauma, I find that it has to be done through the relationship to make a difference. I guess not all therapists are willing to go to these places with clients. But I don't see it as an issue because it is not a permanent state. More like a phase, developing a capacity and undoing something in the past that isn't working. I don't think this is impossible or takes drastic steps. Simple things can alter the way you do things and have a cumulative effect.

Yes it's possible. We never stop learning.

[newday2020]

"And I know for certain that my body has no clue what is best for me It is the last organism I should listen to if I actually want what is best for myself."



Our body might tense up being around an unsafe person.
There must be other body symptoms.
I don't want to discount any part of me..........did that too much.

Originally Posted by susanemily

Our body might tense up being around an unsafe person.
There must be other body symptoms.
I don't want to discount any part of me..........did that too much.

I would definitely not advise anybody to discount any part of themselves unless they know it is the right thing for them to do.

[Elkino]

I really wonder whether getting in touch with your instinct, your inner wisdom, is the real 'solution' here. I have this idea that even that can be messed up if people conditioned you early in life. I don't know actually and I hope I am wrong. :-)

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Our body knows what is and isn't acceptable. We just can't hear its messages often because we've been trained to dismiss them, to disconnect from our basic senses and to distrust them. Learning how to trust your body wisdom could be scary and can bring a considerable degree of pain. But it also brings liberation..This was my way of going back to "normal"..

I really wonder. My T tells me that deep inside I know and feel what is right, what is acceptable and what isn't. But how about culutural differences then? Why we accept certain things other cultures probably don't? There seems to be an aspect that has been taught and shapes the emotions towards these topics...

Originally Posted by Mastodon

But yes, I do think that there is a connection between knowing something intellectually and knowing it at an emotional level. I don't think the connection is automatic, I believe that it may need to be reinforced a lot. But if intellectual knowledge didn't help, there would be no chance for me to ever get better, so I have to believe that it does. (And I know for a fact that it does, so I'm not particularly worried on that score. There is a lot of research on the subject.)

I'd like to believe that we can actually train this connection between thinking and feeling. that when we learn certain things are wrong, we can start to feel it too. It would help a lot, I think.
But then of course, that system would be very fragile too, as it could easily be manipulated by others... Conditioning us in ways that are not supporting us.

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I think you can intellectually know things and still have emotional difficulty understanding it. Take a ptsd reaction: you can intellectually know something is not likely happening again in the moment but still have a difficult time regulating emotions around it. I get physical flashbacks. I can look and see the event is not currently happening, but it doesn't charge the emotional reaction to the memory of it (at least not yet).
intellectual awareness helps, but it doesn't necessarily make it easy to change.

Definitely, it's because so often these two are not aligned that I started wondering. You can know a that certain thing is wrong but still not feel it that exact same way. Or the other way around.
And I wonder whether the intellectual awareness alone could get one out of there.