[grimtopaz]

Does anyone have a therapist they know/believe to have a different sexual orientation from them? Do you feel comfortable talking about your sexuality? If not, how come? How have they handled it? Did they ask your sexual orientation at intake? Did they assume you were a sexual orientation that you are not?

After discussing some misunderstandings, my therapist seems open to talking about my bisexuality. However, as a woman, I feel very uncomfortable discussing my attraction to women and longing to be in a relationship with one (she's a straight woman). In a sense, I get that this is no different from a female patient having a male therapist and discussing wanting a relationship - but I can't seem to shake off a feeling of discomfort...

Thoughts, suggestions?

[stopdog]

I am lesbian and I have two straight female therapists. I made sure in the initial phone call to inquire if they had any problem with someone who is gay and they both indicated they did not. So far it has not been an issue.

[RedSun]

My t is a straight female, and I'm sure she assumed I was too (straight I mean),as I have been with my male partner for over twenty years and we have children.
So I think I really threw her when I discussed a sexual relationship with a female friend. It's not a big thing to me, but I think it is to her. I mean, she's obviously very open, accepting blah blah, but she kind of makes more of this thing with my friend than I do, I think it is an issue in some way...so yeah, I definitely won't be talking about any of that again, it has a real impact.

[Irrelevant221]

I believe my therapist is straight, whereas I am not. I was uncomfortable bringing it up at first, but it turned out to be okay. She hardly even seemed fazed when I brought it up, and she told me later on that she has a sibling who's gay, so she doesn't seem to have any sort of problem with it.

[Favorite Jeans]

I also have a straight therapist but am not straight myself and in a long term relationship with another woman. I have never sensed that she was uncomfortable, judgemental, or out of her depth when it comes to my sexual orientation. It did take me a while to feel comfortable talking to her about sexuality and sexual orientation but that seems like my issue more than hers.

[monkeybrains21]

i am a lesbian and my therapist is a straight old lady. i dont believe my orientation matters to her but honestly i dont care. if she has an issue with it its just that, her issue not mine. she can say shes uncomfortable and refer me, but were going on 3yrs and shes done no such thing.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm not sure what my therapists' surreal orientations have been unless they offered up the info (my wife had asked our couples therapist and she answered). I'm an out lesbian, and have not found it an issue as of yet. When I was in the process of questioning and later coming out, it was more of a concern, but I've been out for about 15 years now and it no longer phases me (unless I'm being discriminated against or otherwise harassed about it).
I have a general discomfort talking about sexal issues with most people (because of csa and abuse) though, so I hesitate on that more than my identified orientation.

[WrkNPrgress]

I have no idea what my current T's orientation is. I know she has a kid (which I know means nothing) so I presume straight or possibly bi. Pretty sure she's not gay or it might have come up by now. She's tight lipped about her own life for the most part. I doubt I'll ever know what her own experience is.

My own Sexual Orientation was not an issue for me to bring up. From day one I have openly discussed my female partner with her (being one of the major reasons I'm in therapy). I don't even recall if I 'introduced' the topic or not. I think I just dove in at first session and gauged that it wasn't an issue.

My sexuality and experience however, I haven't got around to. I guess I have had other things to work through before this. I'm just haven't breached discussing sex in general yet (I think I'm almost there though— my T mentioned something in our last session that creaked the door open).

Though having someone with a common experience is helpful, I don't think it's absolutely necessary. Sex is sex. IMO, body parts may differ but the basic motivations, drives and needs are universal. Since the official debunking of "Gay as a illness" so many years ago, any professionally trained T worth their salt should know how to discuss it and empathize with someone despite their own sexual orientation or experiences.

[WrkNPrgress]

I'll add another anecdote about a previous T: from a few years back:

I came out in the first interview with this one and asked her how she felt about GLBT issues, etc.
She said she understood the issue, "from the perspective of someone who has been in a long term partnership for many years." I took that to mean she was gay also. A while into our time together I realized she wasn't at all. I felt misled and somewhat pissed about it.

I suspect that she had said that in effort to put me at ease about her not being biased, but she didn't need to do that. In hindsight I felt that she mislead me to avoid her own lack of awareness around the topic and to keep a potential client. In any event, it was disingenuous at the very least and somewhat ignorant to equate the two experiences as 'the same'.

Now, fast forward to today: Contrast this to the couples counselor whom my partner and I see together. She is a straight woman (married, grown children, etc.) She answered the 'first day' question perfectly by pointing out that while love is love, GLBT relationships have unique struggles (family, societal prejudice, etc.) that heterocouples do not. She didn't feel the need to say the equivalent of "I'm cool with the gays, cause I love too!" or some such nonsense.

No one should equate hetero/homosexual relationship as the same thing. The deserve to equal respect but they're not the same. Each have their own unique set of problems, advantages and disadvantages.

[Ididitmyway]

I was never interested in my Ts sexual orientation. Was never an issue to me. But I am straight, that is to say that I am a part of well-accepted majority in the society who has never experienced discrimination and judgment. So, I can understand that for LGBT folks this may be a sensitive issue in therapy and it's certainly valid.

[Partless]

I'm straight and have had gay and straight therapists. I felt awkward with gay therapists cause thought they don't understand, but pretty soon it became apparent to me that a good therapist is a person who can put themselves in your shoes, as we all differ from our therapists in some shape or form. So gay or straight, good therapists succeeded in making me feel understood. So although if my main issue was sexual I would see a straight therapist just to make things easier, I've never felt the need when the therapist seemed understanding and helpful.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

But I am straight, that is to say that I am a part of well-accepted majority in the society who has never experienced discrimination and judgment.

You mean about orientation I hope. Because non-gay people also face a lot of judgement and discrimination in other ways (based on social class, immigrant status, wealth, education, age, appearance/weight, race/ethnicity, gender, nationality, religion, etc).

But if you've never experienced any of that, consider yourself exceptionally lucky, unless you're an educated rich white male, part of the 1%...oh wait, maybe not discrimination but plenty of people judging those guys harshly no less.

Does anyone have a therapist they know/believe to have a different sexual orientation from them? My t is a straight woman, I am bisexual. Do you feel comfortable talking about your sexuality? Yes. If not, how come? How have they handled it? By the time I told her I had realized that I am bisexual, she had already figured it out and knew what I was going to say! So she was and is fine with it. Did they ask your sexual orientation at intake? Nope. Did they assume you were a sexual orientation that you are not? I don't think she made assumptions, no. I think by the time I had figured it out for myself and told her, by then it was like I said something she had figured out right alongside me, not an assumption.

I am lesbian and my t is straight, well, at least I think she is! She has four kids, her and her hubby split up a while ago but they are together again. I was worried about my sexuality and my t because she is a christian and works for a Catholic marriage service which won't even see homosexual clients. I asked her in my first session and she said only works for them it doesn't mean she has the same beliefs. It bothered me for a while but I was glad I stuck it out with this t. I discuss my past relationship with her all the time as it's the reason I started therapy.
Sometimes I think that she doesn't understand the things I talk about, she has a completely different lifestyle but then again she will always ask what it's like and try to understand. I often tell her that I am so lonely and she doesn't get how hard it is being a minority in a very small town and how hard it is to meet people.

[willowbrook]

My Pdoc is a straight male, I am a bisexual female, and my sexual orientation has never been an issue. I was upfront about it very early on, after I'd spoken about past relationships and mentioned both male and female partners - since then he's helped me deal with some residual issues surrounding a past break up with the girl I was with before I met my husband and I've always been able to speak openly about having an attraction to people that is non gender specific. There are always two things any T or Pdoc needs to be able to fully accept in order for me to work with them, and that's my sexuality and my spiritual beliefs (I'm Wiccan) - if they have an issue with either of those things, then they're not the T/Pdoc for me.

[Ocean5]

Faced with a similar issue when finding a therapist. I wanted to feel comfortable, but my issues weren't sexual (extreme childhood trauma) yet didn't want to be judged (gay male.)

I just wanted help... If it helps I found a therapists/doc on directory of PsychologyToday to find one that was gay friendly.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I made sure in the initial phone call to inquire if they had any problem with someone who is gay and they both indicated they did not.

I like Stopdog's approach. I had to know how therapist/psychiatrist felt about a certain mental health issue (non-sexual, yet stigmatized and misunderstood.) I asked her in first meeting about her thoughts, and followed-up for clarification that day in an e-mail (1st session ever with therapist/doc)

My insights...

If I thought my therapist was judging me for being gay, or anything else, I would have shut-down --- never gone back. But even when I misunderstood her comments 1st meeting (therapist are just as human as we are... human & imperfect..) At same time I realized my condition caused me to misjudge things. I thought she was talking negative like she didn't believe, but in reality she was offering much support and acknowledgment.

btw, I'm a gay male , and didn't see a guy doctor/therapist because I hate being hit on, or flirted with.

Seriously a good therapist, or psychiatrist, should be focused on helping you. Not on their own personal beliefs..

Trust you're instincts.

[LindaLu]

I'm bisexual and my T is lesbian. I found her in part through her identification in the community. initially I felt she might not take ME seriously as bisexual but over time we talked and she said sexual attraction is highly individualized etc and she' not one to judge, etc. This made me confident to talk about my relationships and attraction, which are conflicted for reasons obviously unrelated to orientation.

We live small-medium city in the South that is reasonably progressive but the region generally is hostile to LGBTQ. My employer is similarly mixed up (talks progressive but systematically harrasses gays, blacks, Jews, Hispanics) so having this T has been a good support, despite other periodic stresses in our relationship.

All this is to say having someone with same orientation is helpful but not essential. Really an open mindset is what one should expect from any T. I briefly tried and quit therapy with straight female Ts before the DSM-IV was published. (That publication really changed psychotherapy not to mention American culture.) So I quit treatment at a time when it would have helped my growth. There must be tens of thousands over the years with similar feelings of ambivalence if not open rejection by therapists. But things are improving.

[JaneTennison1]

I was not as bold as stopdog to ask outright but I did tell her in that first phone call the focus would be on certain aspects of sexuality. I suppose to allow her to exit gracefully if it was not something she would be ok discussing. She was and is and I'm glad I gave it a shot.

I honestly don't have any idea about my therapist's sexual orientation, and it doesn't matter to me one way or the other. She advertises as LGBT friendly, which I like because I couldn't go to someone who's, say, of a religious orientation that's conservative and judgy (I had one of those, unknowingly). My orientation (asexual) has not come up, and I don't think she makes any assumption about it.

[archipelago]

I am bisexual in a long term relationship with a man, but it has been an open relationship. My therapist is straight and monogamous. I have at times had some points when I didn't think he got it, but nothing significant. I feel more misunderstandings in general strangely enough in lesbian circles, where when dating women I was treated as suspect. A fence sitter or "anything that moves" type. I tend now to just not foreground the issue because I have come to believe that people probably won't understand and it is not worth introducing into the mix. I can usually tell if people are more open and then it feels good to share. My therapist has occasionally thought of me as lesbian I guess because I look the part whatever that means and when I corrected him he didn't seem to get why. But now it doesn't seem all that important.

[pmbm]

I have never had a therapist who was not a straight woman. However, my current therapist advertises in the local LBGT paper. She also runs groups for straight spouses of gay/lesbian people. I have been married to my wife for 13 years and we have three adopted children. I have had no problems talking to any therapist about my sexuality. I do happen to live in a very gay friendly city.

[callisto711]

My therapist is female and straight and I'm a lesbian. She seems fine with it. I've even told her to her face she is hot. I think she is mostly just amused by me. She often asks me questions about my love life because it is something I avoid talking about lol.