Shame.

Once upon a time not long ago in the kingdom of The Universe, there lived Giant and his mate, Chameleon. They lived in a house set high on a hill above a village called The World.

Giant and Chameleon rarely spoke to each other or anyone else, for that matter. Chameleon was very shy and lived, sh she believed, only to please Giant. Giant because of his grat stature, acted as though he was superior to everyone else, including Chameleon. He seldom spoke to anyone and when he did, it wsa almost always to correct others, to brag about his generosity, great strenght and long list of accomplishments. When others would dare to question hiim or criticize his bullying behaviour, Giant would become enraged. He would remind them of his power and retreat to his space which no one dared enter. Giant was only comfortable completely alone or in total control.

When chameleon would venture out to the market for groceries, to go to work or to shop, she felt frightened and vunrable. Unlike Giant, Chameleon felt herself to be less then everyone else in almost every way. Being with others felt embarrassing. She felt proud of Giant and the little pride she had in herself wsa that he had chosen her for a mate. Without him next to her, she felt worthless and unlovable.

When there was no choice but to be around others, Chameleon would hide inside herself and study them. She watched their gestrures, studied their moods, listened attentively to their beliefs and concerns, attempting to fulfill whatever wsa expected of her. She was very good at becoming what others thought she should be. She held others in awe and feared them.



The smallest conflict terrified her, which made her feel even more ashamed that she was afraid. By watching othersand looking like the image of their desires, she could become invisible in their presence. Invisibility was her safety; yet she felt angry after she became invisible. She often found herself mulling over these interactions long after a brief meeting.

Sometimes in the evening she would talk to Giant about the people she had met.Together they would judge the others weaknessess. Giant relished these times of lecturing and criticizing the "others" with Chameleon. Chameleon only felt guilty for her behaviour. She needed to speak of their good points. These discussions always seemed to bring Giant closer to her in a way he rarely was. It was clear he felt they were better than others, as if it were the two of them against "The World".

It terrifield Chameleon that Giant would someday see that she was more unlovable and flawed than of of those they relished in judging. She always took great pains to hide her tail, but she knew he must somehow see only her tail and wonder why he had chosen her.

Giant didn't want children, feeling the would interrupt the life he had grown quite fond of. He had taken good care of Chameleon, protected her and, in return, she had worshiped him. He had given her everything.

"Why do you need a child?" he would ask. "Am I not enough?"

But, alas, Chameleon's pleas only became more desperate. She begged Giant repeatedly to grant her this one desire. But he would walkaway and she would dissolved into sobs.

Her tears pulled at a place in him that Giant hadnt felt since childhood, a place only his mother had exposed, a place taht frightened him. He eventually agreed to let her have a child.

The first and only child Giant and Chameleon had was born in the winter. Chameleon was overjoyed. As she gazed upon her child, she felt intense pride. She knew her daughter would be strong, beautiful, talented, intelligent; everything Chameleon had only dreamed of being.

She examined her newborn daughter carefully. She saw no flaws, and most importantly, no tail. She knew her daughter would not be imperfect like she was. Chameleon tried to remember whether she had had a tail at birth, or if it and her coloring had developed later. She couldn't remember. But she was satisfied that her precious daughter would become a giant even more grand than her mate and her mother had been.

She named the child after her mother and Giant's grandmother. Her name was to be Perfect Giant.

This beautiful little child would soon become the companion she had always wanted. She would be someone to talk to, someone to love her unconditionally in the way that no one, including her own family ever had. Perfect would never be the disappointment Chameleon had been to her own mother. Her daughter would admire her and give her respect. At least Chameleon would be the centre of someone's world. In return Chameleonn would give Perfect everything.

Perfect occupied all of Chameleon's time. Giant became more and more depressed. Mysteriously, he started getting smaller.

"She doesn't need me any longer," he thought. "I;m no longer the centre of her world." So he would stay lockedin his room all day and night.

Soon Giant and Chameleon weren't talking at all. Although she felt a bit rejected, Chameleon never asked Giant questions, fearing he would leave her or demand time that was now devoted to Perfect. She knew he could take care of himself. Besides her baby girl needed her and Perfect met her needs for companionship more than Giant ever had.

Chameleon slept in Perfects room. She would talk to her daughter while she slept telling her all about her sorrows. When Perfect woke, she would gaze intently into her mothers eyes. For the first time, Chameleon was the centre of another's world. Her tail no longer bothered her It seemed to be disappearing.


When Perfect would cry, Chameleon felt irritated, but eventually would laugh at her child's tears. "you have no reason to cry, silly girl. You are strong, tough, beautiful and gifted. I give you everything I have and more. Don't you realise that you can't possibly have needs that aren't being fullfilled?"

As the years passed,Giant just kept shrinking while Chameleon's tail seemed to vanish altogether, and Perfect with only a few stumbling blocks here and there, met all her mothers expectations for her. When any signs of weakness appeared in her child, Chameleon would either cry or laugh at her daughter's imagined needs or fear and, like magice, the unwanted emotions vanished.

Perfect grew into teh exquisitely beautiful giant her mother had imagined. She paid great attention to her body adn its shape. She studied diligently. She listened to her mother's troubles day and night, let her mother select her friends from only the very best giants and entertained her mother with great charm. Perfect never left home without making certain first that she looked her best.

Perfect had learned early how dependent Chameleon was on her. She loved her mother, and it pained her to see her mother's reaction when she somehow would disappoint her. When upset, Chameleon would dissolve into sobs and seemed to shrink, getting smaller and smaller.

"After all," Perfect often thought, when her mothers demands tired her, "she has given me her whole life." Perfect even bought her mother roses on her own birthday to thank her for her very birth.

Perfectly rarely saw her father. He hid most of the time in his den. Chameleon warned her daughter not to bother her father because she could see he had turned into a dragon. SOmetimes, however, perfect's curiosity would get the best of her and she'd enter her father's Den. Most of the time Giant would be extremely irritable and his temper would frighten Perfect. But sometimes Giant looked small and very, very sad.



Once when she was still young but alrady large in stature, Perfect worked day and night on a gift for her father. She had learned that in his happier days he had loved horses, so she now set out to carve him a miniature horse out of wood. She spent hours on a perfect mane and tail and when she finished, she painted it black.

She remembered stories her mother had told her that the horse represented freedom, and black stallions were the proudest of them all. She even wrapped the treasure in paper she had painted herself. She carried it carefully to her father, making sure he was awak so she woudn't disturb him unnescessarily.

Giant took the package, tore off the wrapping, then looked at her in amazement.

"What in the world is this thing?" he laughed uncomfortably. "It's not my birthday, you know. Here, take it back. Give it to me again on my birthday." Perfect heard him laughing sa she ran to her room.

When she was older, Perfect discovered taht the one thing that would really please her father was to listen to his stories. He would tell her again and again of his past accomplishments, expound on his generosityand lecture her endlessly on the lessons life had tauggt. For those brief periods of time, her father would be his giant self again and the fire-breathing dragon he had become woul disappear.

She would listen in a daze until sometimes she almost fell asleep. SOmetimes it seemed he was talking to someone else. He was no longer aware of her, but it felt good just to be with him.

He never mentioned the horse again and neither did she. She told herself how silly it had been to give her fatherthe homemade thing. After all,he was worldly. She felt ashamed of herself for her past childishness. For she was a giant and should have known better. She felt very embarrassed whenever she appeared to be stupid.

One spring day, at the end of her last year of school, Perfect's world seemed to come to an abrupt stop. She had been eating very little the entire week before and had been particularly tired confused. She had taken her final eam in her best subject. Now she sat frozen in her seatat the failing grade stared almost accusingly up at her. Quick calculations told her that she could not receieve high marks for the term. Medicore, she thought, shocked and terrified. She had never been mediocre before. Her mother would fall apart. her father would scream.


The last bell had barely rung before Perfect was out of her seat. She ran, not caring wehre. She briefly thought of suicide, but realized it would kill her mother. She felt herself becoming smaller and smaller. All she had been given had been a waste. How could anyone tolerate "average?" No giant woulde want her, not that she had an interest in anyone. her whole life centred on pleasing her mother and doing her studies.

Perfect ran deep into the woolds until she could run no more. Sh elay down on the grass and cried and cried. She tried to stop, but couldn't. Giants didn't cry. Giants were strong. Giants were superior. Her shame grew while she continued to shrink. "I've never been storng. I've always been stupid and weak," she cried.

"can I help you in some way?"
The voice seemed to come out of nowhere.
"Who are you?" Perfect stuttered, wanting to fall right through the earth. It was bad enough that a giant was weeping but now someone was seeing her weakness. She felt herself turn color and could sense a tail begining to grow where none had ever been.

"I'm a human being," THe voice answered. "You seemed to be in trouble and I wanted to know if you needed help."

Perfect had onlly heard of human beings, but never known one. Her father said they were much lower form of life. Although she had feared them in days gone by, her mother feared them less than giants. Human were mostly average and had no ambitions to move to high places.
Perfect had sometimes watched them from her high place. They played and sang...laughted and cried openly. She saw them touching each other and sometimes getting angry. They appeared to her almost shameless. She was jealous of them at times, then wsa ashamed of her jealousy. After all, she was a a giant - although at that moment she didn't feel like one.

"Ican't let you see me like this," Perfect muttered. "I've . . . I've been crying. I look terrible. My eyes are red and . . . .and," She searched for words as she carefully hid her tail, "I;m not up to vistors." She crawled further into the taller grass until she became invisible.

"No one should have to be alone when they're said," Human being replied. "I haven't noticed anything wrong with your appearence of clothing. You look fine as you are."

"I do?" Perfect whispered. She had been told often that she was a beauty - tough, silly,stupid, selfish and, at times, fat, but never fine the way she was.

"Of course, you do. Do you need to look a particular way to be comfortable when you're sad?"

"I'm not supposed to be sad", Perfect said. "Giants are never sad."

"Giants?" Human Being questioned. "you're not a giant."
"I;m not?" Perfect queried sadly. She began to feel smaller. She realised that her colour was changing and that must mean her tail was growing longer. "I must have turned into a chameleon, "She said to herself. "Mother will be devastated. Father will be enraged."

"You're a human bieng llike eveyone else," Human biengn replied, wondering what she had meant by her statement. He had heard some of thosewho lived in High places thought they were different, better than others. Perhaps she was one of them.

"A human being!" she cried.
"Of course, you are! All of use who live in The World are huma beings. I've heard stories about giants, but I've never seen one. Certainly you don't tihnk you're a giant? You look just like me. See for yourself. There is a pool not far behind you. Look at your reflection".

Perfect crawled deeper into the tlal grass until she came to a clearing that surrounded a small clear pond. She carefully crawled to the edge and looked into the water. There before her she saw the refleciton of a young woman. It was definitely a human being who stared back at her.


""Do you see?" Perfect heard the voice call. "Come on out, let me see you.I won't hurt you. Lets just talk a while."
"Are you trying to trick me?" Perfect asked, crawling b ack to her place in the greas, still afraid to come out.

"No of course not," Human being replied. "I've known others who have come to this place, thinking they were something else. One fellow thought he was a mouse. All were human beings."

"But, I've looked into mirrors. I've never seen myself like this,"

"Most mirrors only reflect back what you think yourself to be. The pool of water that you just looked into is the pond of clarity. It shows you as you are. Most are afraid to look; they are afraid to see. It's a shock to change perceptions."

Perfect felt enraged. "why have my parents not told me? Why have they insisted that I was a giant? why do they lie? Ihate them!" Almost as fast as the words left her mouth, perfect felt overwhelmining guilt, then almost as quickly, felt small again.

" I can understand your anger" Human being said, "but I'm sure they only saw yoiu as they needed you to be, perhaps as they saw themselves to be. The world is a strange place at sometimes. I'm sorry you've been hurt. You know not far from here is another pond that might help. Its called the pond of timelessness and I've heard that it has helped ,many others, please let me take you there."

Perfect climbed out of the talk grass and stood next to Human being. She looked down and could feel her coloring. "I'm so ashamed," she said quitely. "I; feel so stupid and don't know why."

"Perhaps we can find out why together," Human being said softly, aware of perfect's embarrassment. "perhaps it will be easier if you can keep telling yourself that your're a human being, no more, no less. We make mistakes, we're not perfect."

"I' am," Perfect laughed for the first time. "Thats' my name - perfect."

"what?"



"Never mind. How do weget to this place?"

"Its just up the road. Come on, we'll be there in no time." As they walked, they shared about their lives. Perfect began to feel a trust in Human being she had never felt before in anyone. A warmth grew in the centre of her being.

"I did poorly on a test today," she said bravely, feeling the color grow and hating it.
"is that a problem for you?"
"well, I thought it was."
"was it a subject that you usually do well in? Is it your favorite class?"

"I usually do well in everything. Ive never known what I liked or what I didn't. Ive never thought abou t it. I was just busy doing things well. Its odd to think of liking something."
"Look," Human being interrrupted, "theres the pond."
As they go closer, perfect felt a strange sense of fear. She wanted to run.

"Don't worrym" Human bieng said softly, gently taking Perfect's han d and leading her to the edge of the pond.

"Many feel a little frightened here. Its difficult to see things as they are sometimes. Change can be very frightning. I;ll be sitting right here with you."
"what should I do?"

"The pond of Timelessness has stored within its depths, images of our lifes. As you look into the pond, think back to your childhood. It will reflect back to you memories that have supported your beliefs in yourself."

"Will you see images too?" Perfect asked, feleing fightened again as color flushed her face.

"only if you wish to share them," Human being replied, understanding perfects' shame.

As perfect stared into the water, she began to see image of herself as a little girl. She wsa standing outside her house. It was wintertime. She realised it was her birthday. She appeared to be three or four yrs old. The snow was very deep and the little girl stood crying. The small child was stuck, buried past her waist in snow. Prerfect abrutly turned away from thescene in front of her.

"What a stuped kind." Perfect cried. "She could never do anything right. I remember that day so well. Lookinhg at it makes me feel the same as I did when I looked at my test paper today. I hate her so,.She wsa always so clumsy. Look there, the stupid kid's stuck in the snow. She' acting like a baby!".

Human being looked into the water, "you were young and frightened. You were cold and hurting. Why isn't someone helping you? Why would anyone let a child suffer so? Where's your mother or your father?"

Perfect looked again into the water and saw her mother standing close by the child taking her picture and laughing. She saw her father angrily looking down from the upstairs window.

"why was she taking a picture when you were in such pain?" Human being asked. "You must have been very frighteneed."

Perfect felt a pain growing within h er and began to cry and she hid her face as she turned away from the scene in front of her.



"I don't know why I'm crying. I';m sorry. you mustn't see me like this."
"Dont apologise for your tears," Human being said, gently touching perfects shoulder. "your crying because that child you were seems so alone and frightened."
"Why doesn't she just get out of there instead of being such a cry baby? she's so stupid!">

"Shes a little child. She's stuck. She can't move. She's stuck and needs help. Why didn't someone help you instead of laughing at your pain?"

for the first time, perfect looked and saw herself as a child. she had never thought of herself as a child. She felt the child's pain and realised that her tears were for the child's loneliness. She felt what it was truely like for the little girl she really was and for the first time her shame seemed to dissolve.

"I was never a gian't", she cried. "I was just a little girl, a human being."

Perfect came back many times to the Pond of timelessness in the months that followed. Human being always sat by her as she saw more and more images reflected in the ponds clear waters. She began to feel stronger, neither a giant nor a chameleon but very human. She began to like being a human being. As time passed, she enjoyed her friends kindness and touch. She began crying without hiding her face or turning color. She laughted more and learned to play.

One day she decided it was time to join the humanbeings.
"I've decided I no longer want to live in high places," Perfect said one afternoon. "Its sad leaving mother and father, but it no longer feels comfortable to live as a Giant or Chameleon. I have tried so hard to get htem to come with me to the Pond of Clarity. I think they are afraid. I'm not angry at them anymore. They believe they are not human. I can't change that. I wish I could. Can I go with you today instead of going back to the High Places?"

"of course you can." human bieng said happily. "we can ride there together," he said pointing in the direction of the field. As
thy turned to go, perfect saw a black stallion grazing in the tall grasses. She thought sadly of the minature horse she had carved for her father so many years before. She realised why he had loved horses in his youth. And why now he feared them so.

Perfect joined the human being and lived contentedly ever after. Giant came out of his room and once again took care of Chameleon and they lived as they always had - in high places.

Years before Giant had rescued the miniature horse that perfect had thought was gone forever. He never let anyone know he had it, but would look at it longingly on rainy days. At those times Giant vaguely recalled a time when he thought that perhaps he, too had been a human being. The thought frightened him. He felt at these times a strange mixture of longing, envy, disgust and , finally a sense of shame deep inside. He would quickly hide the horse behind several loose stones in his study wall. He hid the shame of what the horse represented from chameleon and, more importantly, from himself.

(((((((Mouse)))))))))

Did you write this? It's really well-done.

I'll have to get that book (Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise by Jane Middelton-Moz); that was wonderful mouse, thanks for typing it all out.

canders, No I didn't LOL! sorry I thought I had put the book title at the bottom, it was a cut and paste from an email that was sent to me.

Perna, yuh I book that book on the strenght of that story! it is so touching!

What a great story. Thanks for sharing that.

Mouse, thank you so much for sharing this with us. Oh my, what a message!

I, too, thought you wrote it. I was going to suggest you get a representative and become a professional writer immediately!

Thanks again.

Hugs,

Jan