[AllHeart]

My T of 6 months and I often email in-between our weekly sessions. She might ask how I am doing, but usually she sends me info about an upcoming event or articles on conditions or treatments. I can email her with questions or info as well. It is a very nice, casual exchange of emails that helps to bridge a safe, trusting connection.

There have been a couple of email exchanges over the last 4 days (since last session). The first was initiated by T, the email today was initiated by me. The vibe I am getting from her in these emails are cold. Her responses are very short, and not “colorful” like usual (ie. Instead of saying “have a good day,” T will say, “I pray your day will be overflowing with the pleasantries of hope and light” or something). Something is not right. This I know.

I absolutely understand T is a human being before being a therapist. She has life struggles just like the rest of us. In fact, she has told me of some of her life struggles. At our last session, she told me something seriously deep about her childhood. I was floored, and did not have a response. I still feel terrible about my reaction to that, and plan to apologize at our next session.

What can I say to my T and how? I would like to ask her how she is doing via email tonight, but, she doesn’t need me as her support system (she often tells me the importance of having a good support system and that she has this; also started seeing a therapist herself. Plus, even though she does share quite a bit of personal info with me, I am but a mere client to her). But would it be the gesture that counts? Or is it just not necessary? Could she find me to be taxing or selfish because of my extremely poor reaction to her telling me a very personal life situation? Is that the root of the cold emails? Should I email her my apology now or can I wait to do it verbally in a couple of days?

I tell ya, this is eating me up. On a side note, this makes me happy because it means I care. It feels so good to care again. So many questions run through my mind. I'm sure I'm just paranoid. I think she is probably just hurting as a human right now.

[unaluna]

I would assume that your reaction to her disclosure does not require an apology on your part. You were quiet, thoughtful; it caught you by surprise; it doesnt sound like you reacted inappropriately or harshly or hurtfully.

Also i wouldnt necessarily read anything into a change in tone or length of her emails - that could just depend on how much time and how many emails she has. If it is not an emergency, i would not email her again until i had seen her again.

[Ididitmyway]

There is nothing for you to apologize for. It was a professional mistake on her part to self-disclose about her childhood experiences, and, frankly, it's not professional to make personal disclosures a regular thing. I don't necessarily have a problem with the regular exchange of information such as articles, upcoming events, as well as for her to check how you are doing, but the regular disclosure of personal information is unprofessional. And if her way of communicating changed because you didn't react to her childhood disclosure the way she hoped you would, that's a good reason to run away from her IMHO. Of course, we don't know if that's the reason, but if it is, then she is not fit for doing therapy work and the sooner you find a new therapist the better.

It's not your role as a client to give your therapist emotional support, and if that's what the therapist seems to be seeking, the best thing to do is to quit seeing her. Otherwise, you may see the role reverse, in which you'll be the one doing therapy to her while still paying her.

This sounds a lot like my experiences with T1. I know an awful lot about his childhood, his life, his extended family (including medical conditions of his family) all of this without me ever asking him a question about any of it. All unsolicited disclosure.
I actually enjoyed the disclosure and the closeness I felt with him. I also enjoyed the between-session contact, the sending of articles, the positive comments about my poetry.
However, like you, I was extremely sensitive when his emails became curt and distant. It hurt me a lot, and we had several ruptures related to feeling that he was withdrawing, essentially sending me mixed signals. It began to consume my thoughts and became a bigger issue for me than those I came to therapy with.
I took a break from him and went to see a second T who has helped me to process all of this. I'm still unsure about going back to the first one; I miss him incredibly but question whether would be paying for something therapeutically beneficial or just something I really desire. I can't allow myself to pay for a friendship.
like others have said you have nothing to apologise for, the disclosure wasn't wise on her part. If the relationship is therapeutic for you I wouldn't necessarily recommend leaving like I had to, but I absolutely recommend a conversation around boundaries. Not having that conversation sooner was a big mistake for me, and caused repeated hurt over several issues.

Yeah...emails can be a real problem. It's so easy to read the wrong thing into them. If you only have two days until you see her, can you try to just let this sit and bring it up in person?

Try to avoid apologizing for your reaction or non-reaction to her disclosure and just focus on the change in tone in emails you picked up on. You have enough on your plate with your own stuff, and are paying her to help you with it, that you can't take on a social responsibility for her feelings. It's not a social relationship. She is there for you, not the other way around.

Good for you for caring, though. That sounds like a breakthrough. Celebrate that.

[Petra5ed]

I would wait until you see her next and then simply say something along the lines of 'How are you? I was worried something was going on because you were sounding different in your emails.'

I don't see anything wrong with apologizing for your reaction to her bad childhood story. I agree its not necessary, and I am an over apologizer, but I understand the sentiment. I had a similar thing happen with my therapist early on, and I wasn't happy with my reaction. I realized later it was because I was afraid of emotional closeness, which is what would have been required for me to really empathize in that moment, so instead I just withdrew into a silent stare. Around this time I decided I probably wouldn't be a great therapist myself and it was a good thing I kept my day job .

[AllHeart]

Thanks all, for the great replies. Ironically, my T emailed me late last night and 'sounded' like her usual self. So that makes me feel better.

T is the most helpful T I've had to date so I do not want to severe ties with her. But, you all have made me realize I do need to address the personal disclosure and boundaries with her, which will be a difficult task. I have known I've needed to do this for a while, but it helps to hear it from others.

Thank you again.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I had a similar thing happen with my therapist early on, and I wasn't happy with my reaction. I realized later it was because I was afraid of emotional closeness, which is what would have been required for me to really empathize in that moment, so instead I just withdrew into a silent stare. Around this time I decided I probably wouldn't be a great therapist myself and it was a good thing I kept my day job .

That's exactly what happened with me. And I have to chuckle at your last sentence. I have spent years wanting to be a therapist. I am actually half way through my master's progam. After my reaction to my T last week, I realized I may have chosend the wrong career path. Haha!