[CantExplain]

Hi guys!

I've talked about this before, but that was a while ago and I'm still mad.

When and how should a therapist apologise?

[ThisWayOut]

I've had a T apologize for misreading a situation or misinterpreting what was said. Nothing was needed much beyond acknowledging that T made a mistake, talkign a bit about how it was for me, and moving on...
I can't rememebr what happened with you and T, so I can't give an opinion of how or if your T should apologize...

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T apologies when she does something that hurts my feelings. But she only apologies once. We both believe that if you're truly sorry about something, actions speak louder than words. So we only give a verbal apology to acknowledge something we did that the outcome was not intended.

Example: my T made a comment that I've had a lot of one night stands with my fiance. I felt like she was calling me a s***. I told her how I felt. She responded by apologizing, saying that was not her intention, and she would never think of me as such. I accepted her apology. I reflected on everything I've experienced with her and know that she was being sincere and that it was my interpretation of what she said. So I let it go and trusted her response.

Absolutely I think it is right that a T should recognise their mistakes and apologise. I think it is validating for a client. My first T apologised a few times for various misunderstandings and misjudgements, and most recently my new T apologised for raising something that upset me towards the end of the session. I don't think he realised it would upset me, and he apologised and that was fine.

I think they should apologize whenever they're at fault for something--being late, forgetting an appointment, breech of confidentiality, not listening, making a passive aggressive dig at a client, forgetting important things a client shared, misrepresenting something, having transference that they didn't own up to. I could probably go on.

[stopdog]

Whenever they **** up. And with a real apology acknowledging their wrong. Not a crappy "I am sorry you..." ******** sort.

I feel like they should apologize when they hurt a client emotionally, say something rude, being late/appointment stuff. Misunderstanding too.

[Lauliza]

For the same reasons anyone else should. They should apologize for being rude, not listening, misinterpreting what a client says and other mistakes in general. If T has a big ego or just doesn't believe they did something wrong then you'll get that "I'm sorry you feel that way..." which can be maddening if it's not valid. I've run that kind of arrogance from a psychiatrist in the past but never from a therapist.

[tealBumblebee]

One time my T apologized for going into a subject matter of my past and not checking that I had the necessary tools to be able to cope with it post session.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

For the same reasons anyone else should. They should apologize for being rude, not listening, misinterpreting what a client says and other mistakes in general. If T has a big ego or just doesn't believe they did something wrong then you'll get that "I'm sorry you feel that way..." which can be maddening if it's not valid.

Exactly.

Unfortunately, "I'm sorry you feel this way.." and also "Could it be that you are reacting this way because I remind you of your mother who did this or that to you?" are all too common crazy making tactics that many therapists employ and get away with because, also unfortunately, those are considered valid therapy "methods". No one else would be able to get away with it, but the professional veneer allows people be manipulative without taking responsibility for their behavior.

[Gavinandnikki]

Unfortunately, we can't make a therapist apologize for the way they "handle" us.

No hugs
Not even a handshake
5+ years = no physical contact
Moving target boundaries
I love you
You pay me
I am here for you
Why are you calling/texting/emailing me?
Call me when you need me
I don't do therapy by phone/texting/email
I think you need to increase session frequency ( from 3 to 4 times/week)
My fees are increasing - well...actually they increased last year but..,

However, if a specific "misattunement" occurred and she was wrong, eventually, if I remained calm and coherent, she would fess up and apologize- for that specific incident.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

My T has said on a few occasions, "I know I've made mistakes with you and for that I'm sorry but it was a learning experience for both of us."

Also, recently the session was ending and I was doing my usual thing where I start to cry because it was almost over.
T: I'm nothing
Me: You're not nothing
T: But I am. I'm nothing. I'm nothing more than a voice telling you to wake up.
Me: That's not true! (crying harder) You're not nothing.
T: I am. You are holding me in too high esteem.

The following session he starts with an apology.
T: I am sorry I said that to you.
Me: I know why you said it
T: I don't think that you do which is why I am apologizing. It wasn't fair to say that to you. So, whatever you think of me that's OK.
Me: Cool! (big grin)

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

Unfortunately, we can't make a therapist apologize for the way they "handle" us.......

A decent human being would not need to be "made to apologize". As far I know, a T puts his/her pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us. No better or worse than anyone else on this earth. Perhaps "we" can't make a T apologize but maybe a judge can. It always comes down to money doesn't it? How sad is that.

[iheartjacques]

Mine apologised for being late when I walked out after waiting ten minutes after he'd asked me to come in an hour earlier and I cancelled my coffee with friends for him. He apologised in the next session. Not straight off. He said he was running late and it happens. I said I was annoyed because I cancelled a coffee date to come in earlier for him. So he apologised. Twice. Then we moved on.

[feralkittymom]

I don't think Ts reasons for apologizing need be any different than anyone's reasons. The more immediate, as with all apologies, the better. I don't categorically dismiss the "I'm sorry you feel..." apology as a non-apology. I think it can be an honest statement that reflects a feeling without accepting responsibility--and sometimes feelings get hurt because they get hurt and it isn't anybody's fault. I think any T who tries to analyze their way out of an apology on the spot is a poor T because even if the analysis has merit, it's therapeutically the wrong time and place for it. I've never experienced a T saying such a thing.

Apologies also must be freely given. They cannot be coerced directly or indirectly.

[The_little_didgee]

I think it is rare for therapists and psychiatrists to apologize. Apologies should be done as soon as possible to minimize harm.

My present therapist knew me back when I was misdiagnosed. She never diagnosed me with that disorder. When I started seeing her again about 13 years later she shared her feelings. I learned about what happened and how frustrated and hopeless she felt. She explained why she ignored her intuition, couldn't make sense of my presentation and wandered why she couldn't reach me long after we parted ways.

I don't expect an apology for what happened because she wasn't the one that misdiagnosed me even though she contributed to some of my suffering by misinterpreting my situation. We talked about it which has helped me heal. I know she feels bad about what happened. It is evident in her behavior and what she says.

Honesty and the willingness to listen without judgement can replace an apology.

She apologies for little things such as cancelling appointments and even explains why, which I appreciate. I like to know what is going on.

[healed84]

Sure- I think a T should apologize when needed. My T has done in a number of times in the three years that we have worked together. The latest time he did was when he wasn't careful with his words and said something that really hurt me. So, I brought it up and he didn't realize he had said it in those words and said he should have been a bit more careful. They are humans- so T should apologize just as any of us screw and need to.

[rainboots87]

The only reason I've had a T need to apologize was when she kept starting late (though I got my full session) and it was really affecting me (I was jealous of the new young girl before me). We talked it out, she opened my eyes about my interpretation of starting late, AND she made an effort to start on time.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I think they should apologize whenever they're at fault for something--being late, forgetting an appointment, breech of confidentiality, not listening, making a passive aggressive dig at a client, forgetting important things a client shared, misrepresenting something, having transference that they didn't own up to. I could probably go on.

So basically they should apologize all the time
I'm not disagreeing with you by the way, I just don't see that happening.

[LindaLu]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Unfortunately, "I'm sorry you feel this way.." and also "Could it be that you are reacting this way because I remind you of your mother who did this or that to you?" are all too common crazy making tactics that many therapists employ...

I've heard these before and it's one of the reasons I question our relationship. Have never gotten an apology and feel that I should have, but she does take time to say, "Well based on (the context) I had thought..." This comes down to the "authority" of the T relative to the C. Honestly if they acted as partners in our recovery that would be better.

Good apology would come quickly and get resolved quickly. With friends I've found that protracted processing of apology can be counterproductive. Might be true for a T, too.

[musinglizzy]

My T has no problem apologizing, and she seems to do it often, about things that I don't think matter. I don't have a problem seeing the client before me. The client before me yesterday, I held the waiting room door open for her. One day she was one minute late. She apologized. Some days there are a lot of environmental noises (construction, sirens, etc). She apologizes. One session she got a bad case of the hiccups. She yawns sometimes, and I recently called her on it. She was talking about my lack of sleep (which is constant), and she let out a little yawn without realizing it. I said "you don't get enough sleep either." She apologized. I said she's human, it's not a big deal. She admitted to having trouble staying asleep sometimes, and left the topic alone. She has apologized for delays in returning Emails, or being very brief in replies... no, she has no problem apologizing...perhaps she does it too much. There are some things that are out of her control, and there are some things I don't see as a big deal.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Exactly.

Unfortunately, "I'm sorry you feel this way.." and also "Could it be that you are reacting this way because I remind you of your mother who did this or that to you?" are all too common crazy making tactics that many therapists employ and get away with because, also unfortunately, those are considered valid therapy "methods". No one else would be able to get away with it, but the professional veneer allows people be manipulative without taking responsibility for their behavior.

But the fact is, as evidenced just from what we see right here on this forum, there are many times when the T really has done absolutely nothing wrong yet the client, because of their own history and triggers, absolutely reacted in a way completely disproportionate because they perceived a hurt or slight when there really was none.

That said, a therapist (well anyone) should apologize when they have made an error that causes someone pain, and they should work to correct that error.

But I completely get the "I'm sorry you feel that way" response having lived with a husband who, because of his history, often reacts completely through mis/over-interpretation. I don't apologize for "causing" his misinterpretation/reaction anymore. That was crazy-making. I do say "I am sorry you are feeling so badly right now. I hope you'll feel better soon" or something of the like when I know his reaction is his to own and truly has nothing to do with anything I have done wrong. I've learned my "owning" my husband's issues does him no favors at all and ends up enabling some really poor behaviors on his part. He does better when I listen and we talk things through so he gets his head wrapped around what set him off (which usually isn't me at all; he's just reacting as if it is me because I'm in front of him unlike the ghosts of his past.)

I suspect therapists have to walk a similar line between being understanding of where a client's reactions are coming from and knowing when their own actions are actually causing the problem.

[stopdog]

I don't believe many of them don't abuse their perceived ability to distinguish. I think they are far more likely to wrongly blame the client than not. Just like I find on this board.

[BlessedRhiannon]

My T apologizes when she's running late, is delayed in responding to communication (email, text, phone) or makes some kind of mistake that impacts me. She does not apologize for things that are out of her control or that were unintentionally triggering. For example - if she's running late for my appointment (rarely), she will apologize as soon as she comes to get me from the lobby. If she's said something in session that triggered a strong emotional response due to my own history, she will not typically apologize - that's my own stuff and I accept that. She might say that she's sorry I'm feeling triggered or in some other way acknowledge that what she's said has had an impact on me, but she doesn't apologize for the actual act, and I don't think she needs to.

My T did apologize for not suspecting bipolar disorder sooner than she did, but I don't present in typical ways, and it took me a long time to trust her enough to let her see the "true" me. So, I'm not sure that apology was necessary, but I appreciated it none-the-less.

[Parley]

My last therapist admitted she bungled something and blamed it on her mismanagement but she didn't apologize. She offered me a few free sessions to work on it but it wouldn't change what I learned.