As the two of them talked about Harvey's beliefs about the analyst, Harvey, with analytic sophistication, kept reminding the analyst that this whole story, in fact, must have nothing to do with the analyst. It was transference, Harvey insisted...

According to the classical view of the analytic process, Harvey was essentially right...

Classical technique, when practiced with sophistication and skill, does not of course just involve the patient and analyst talking *about* the past. If revisited exclusively through discussion, the patients experience of the past may have an intellectual quality, with the issues remaining abstract and not being deeply felt and relived. Further, Freud found that the most central childhood problems regularly surface not in discussion but in disguised form in the analytic relationship...

Although initially encountering transference as an obstacle, Freud came to feel that the displacement of forbidden impulses and fantasies onto the person of the analyst is essential in helping the patient to experience and work through the issues as lived and deeply felt realities rather than intellectual abstractions and memories...

He was right that ultimately he had displaced his experience of his mother onto the person of the analyst...

Yet Harvey seemed to be using this understanding (correct according to the classical model) for defensive purposes. It was palpably clear that when the analyst would allow Harvey to claim the issue had only to do with his mother, Harvey's anxiety would sharply diminish (along with the analyst's anxiety). In the classical model, the analyst should not move too quickly to the actual, historical context. The experiences *need* to be lived in the present'

"Freud and Beyond" pp. 234-235

So... I guess that is why you can't cure yourself then.

Dammit.

And there was more...

About how when the person attempts to rationalise what is going on that one can draw their attention back to the emotions and thoughts that are arising in response to the present interaction. That that helps the person get more in touch with the feelings and stuff and that once that is happening then one can help place it in the context of the past.

This is making sense of something that my t said to me.

Initially he was quite keen to tell me that the parts are parts of me really and not seperate people.

I know that already.

In one of the later sessions I was talking about anger and he said 'is it you who is angry or is it A.?' I said 'what is the difference? i mean if she is a part of me and all then isn't it just another way of saying the same thing?'

And he said something about the origins of the experience...

And I said 'instead of saying "A. thinks xxx" I can just translate that into "part of me thinks" or "sometimes I think"...' and he said:

'so long as you are emotionally connecting with it'.

That is making more sense now.

I guess I have a fairly punative superego. My mother was fairly punative and so I learned to take that attitude towards myself. Then many years of cognitive restructuring felt like it was just more experiences of someone being punative. I learned that certain cognitions smack of irrationality and must be challenged and that certain behaviours must be condemned for being attention seeking and / or manipulative.

So now... It is hard for me to be with him in the moment partly because I guess I'm trying to stay one step ahead of him by thinking about how he is likely to interpret and by trying to preempt his interpretations and the inevitable little speeches... Only... It is more about my past experiences with my mother and past clinicians and my expectations feed into that process too.

I guess that is why he is trying to refocus me back on our present interaction.

It is hard though. I want to say that it is easier to talk about the past than it is to talk about my present interactions with him. But maybe that is because I'm not really emotionally connecting with the past. Or if I am it is in a slightly hysterical way... But... Finding it hard to connect with him in the present too... All these damn expectations of him beating me over the head...

Time, I guess. It will take some time.