[rainbow8]

I only emailed T once this past 2 weeks, and she emailed me back. It was about all the ways I'm reaching out and expressing love, and she was happy for me.
I want to talk more about love tomorrow, and a child part wants to talk about the chapter I asked T to read in the book, One Child, by Torey Hayden. But what if my T didn't read that chapter? I didn't want to remind her because she told me at my last session that she would read it. It's 7 pages. Maybe I'm testing her? She also "forgot" my birthday and I don't know if she actually forgot or if that is her boundary. Probably the latter. I survived without her email though it would have been SO nice if she had emailed me. I could have emailed her again and mentioned it, but I didn't feel the urge to do so, and that is good!!

I know I will feel hurt if she didn't read the chapter yet, and it will throw me "off" when I want to talk about how short life is, and how I want to express love to people, including her. It was HER idea to read the chapter. I think I want to discuss it even if she didn't read it yet. I don't want to be disappointed. I can psych myself up to be okay with whether she read it or not, and whether she chose to ignore my birthday, or simply forgot (I don't want a discussion about Ts not mentioning client's birthdays, because once she sent me a happy birthday email, and kind of spoiled it for me, but she said she wasn't going to send one again. That's when we weren't emailing, though.

I think I am okay with this. Like I'm thinking: I love my T, in the sense of caring about her very much, so if she didn't have time to read the 7 pages, it's not the end of the world. LIkewise with my birthday. At first I thought I could cry about it in session, but whenever I think something might enable me to actually cry in my session, I logically talk myself out of it!

I don't know what I'm looking for in this thread. Maybe just hugs and reassurance it will go okay no matter what. When you see a T only every 2 weeks, it seems like there's more at stake. That child part needs to talk about love and people leaving!!!

[unaluna]

Thats strange to me, that you have these expectations that somebody - a t, anybody - would have to perform a certain task before you saw them, in order for you to be pleased with them. Where does that expectation come from? Did your mother expect something? Was she not glad to see just you, it had to be something you made?

I used to sit in ts waiting room almost expecting to get yelled at as my transference, so we began our ownwelcome ritual. But your "ritual" feels scary to me, like you two are not comfortable with each other yet.

These are just my sleepytime impressions! I couldnt ask my mother for a can of soda without her getting mad and suspicious at me, so i really dont know what its like to be able to have expectations of someone. Except for what my t gives me?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

Thats strange to me, that you have these expectations that somebody - a t, anybody - would have to perform a certain task before you saw them, in order for you to be pleased with them. Where does that expectation come from? Did your mother expect something? Was she not glad to see just you, it had to be something you made?

I used to sit in ts waiting room almost expecting to get yelled at as my transference, so we began our ownwelcome ritual. But your "ritual" feels scary to me, like you two are not comfortable with each other yet.

These are just my sleepytime impressions! I couldnt ask my mother for a can of soda without her getting mad and suspicious at me, so i really dont know what its like to be able to have expectations of someone. Except for what my t gives me?

It's past my bedtime too, hankster, so not sure what I'm going to write. Maybe you're onto something about me. I have to "do something" to get love or approval, like write a poem or paint a pretty picture. But T usually doesn't have to do anything, except when she promises me she will. Well, she didn't promise to read the 7 pages by tomorrow, but she offered to read them instead of reading the whole book. I do have expectations and that may be the problem!! T knows how important this book is to me. I know she's busy, but if she said she was going to read it, isn't it part of her job? She said we would discuss it. I'm afraid she won't have done it, though. Then we'll have to talk about how that makes me feel. I'll find out tomorrow. I just wish I didn't have this sinking feeling which she will want to know about, and where I feel it.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Hi Rainbow, just wondering which part you want her to read? Reason I ask is cause I gave this same book to my ex t with the parts highlighted that I related to and related to him (especially the little prince excerpts!!). I had no expectation that he read it and to this day I don't know if he ever did. To me it was more about the giving and an expression of love and appreciation towards him. I sent it in the mail but I had referenced it in an email first.
Anyways, hope it goes ok for you tomorrow. Just talk to her, it will be ok. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. If it's any comfort to you, I loved that book so much and totally understand why you would want a t to get how parts of it relate to you or to your relationship with t. What that teacher did for the girl in the book is something I think we all wish our t's could do for us.
If you enjoyed that book and its content, I would really recommend you read "the boy who was raised by a dog". Best of luck. Hugs!! Let us know how it goes.

[Soccer mom]

I also would like my T. to read a chapter in Running on Empty. I gave her something else to read and she didn't. She said she wanted to hear everything from me. It upset me since it was important to me. Then, I said something sessions later about not reading and she said "what makes you think I didn't read about it".

This time I'm going to ask "would you read something if I left it with you" before I assume she will. It's hard and I think it's the kid part of us wanting someone to show interest and reading what we give them is a sign that we want them to care, etc.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Hi Rainbow, just wondering which part you want her to read? Reason I ask is cause I gave this same book to my ex t with the parts highlighted that I related to and related to him (especially the little prince excerpts!!). I had no expectation that he read it and to this day I don't know if he ever did. To me it was more about the giving and an expression of love and appreciation towards him. I sent it in the mail but I had referenced it in an email first.
Anyways, hope it goes ok for you tomorrow. Just talk to her, it will be ok. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. If it's any comfort to you, I loved that book so much and totally understand why you would want a t to get how parts of it relate to you or to your relationship with t. What that teacher did for the girl in the book is something I think we all wish our t's could do for us.
If you enjoyed that book and its content, I would really recommend you read "the boy who was raised by a dog". Best of luck. Hugs!! Let us know how it goes.

Yes!!! It's chapter 10, when Torey reads from The Little Prince about taming the fox and being loved, and when Sheila talks about Torey being " sponsible" for her. I can't believe that's what you wanted your T to read too. Thank you for sharing that with me!! I cry whenever I read One Child or Torey's other books. I don't identify with the abuse but with wanting to be loved the way Torey loves the kids she works with. My T IS a little like that in more subtle ways. I'm afraid to talk about it with her though she accepts all of my child parts. Yes, even if she didn't read it, I will talk. Even if she left the book at home! My mind is made up. Thanks for the other book suggestion. Have you read other books by Torey Hayden?

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I also would like my T. to read a chapter in Running on Empty. I gave her something else to read and she didn't. She said she wanted to hear everything from me. It upset me since it was important to me. Then, I said something sessions later about not reading and she said "what makes you think I didn't read about it".

This time I'm going to ask "would you read something if I left it with you" before I assume she will. It's hard and I think it's the kid part of us wanting someone to show interest and reading what we give them is a sign that we want them to care, etc.

I got very upset when my T said she wasn't going to read the book. This was a few years ago! She told me that she knew it was important to me so she kept the book in her office where I could see it. So, I hope she kept her word and read that chapter. You're right. I know she cares about me, but reading what I asked to read shows a deeper level of caring.

T emailed me early this morning to remind me that my appointment is at 2:30, not 2:00. I knew that since she changed the schedule last month. I emailed back ,"thanks for reminding me." How I wanted to ask if she forgot my birthday and if she read the chapter in the book!! But I didn't. I can wait until 2:30 but I am feeling hurt already!! It's how my mind works. I'm already disappointed before the facts are in. Stupid. I know....

[angelicgoldfish05]

Hi rainbow, no I haven't read other books by Torey Hayden, have you?

This is the part I quoted in the email to him before I sent the book... It is really long... So yeah, I don't know if he ever read it... I sent him so many things that would have truly taken so much time to look at - articles, websites, youtube clips... Granted they were all related to his line of work but I have no idea if they would have been of any interest to him. These things were on top of some pretty lengthy emails. I have, at times, called myself a writer. Writing is the form of communication I feel most comfortable with and I don't talk that much... So with years of being silent, the words came out in a stream, or more like a dam bursting. No wonder T did not respond. I probably drowned him. I didn't mean to. He was the one I trusted enough with all the words, with all the broken me. Anyways, here is the excerpt... I sent it as a word doc attachment to the email so again, not sure if he ever read it and this is before I mailed the book to him with the highlighted parts...

"Chapter 10 – One Child by Torey Hayden

The Little Prince is a short book and within half an hour I was almost halfway through it. When we came to the part about the fox she became even more intent. I could feel her bony little hips in my lap as she wiggled to become more comfortable.

“Come and play with me,” proposed the little prince. “I am so unhappy.”
“I cannot play with you,” the fox said. “I am not tamed.”
“Ah! Please excuse me,” said the little prince. But, after some thought, he added:
“What does that mean—‘tame’?”
***
“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”
“’To establish ties’?”
“Just that,” said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world…”
***
“My life is very monotonous,” he said. “I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sounds of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: You see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat…”
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
“Please—tame me!” he said.
“I want to, very much,” the little prince replied. “But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.”
“One only understands the things that one tames,” said the fox. “Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me…”
“What must I do, to tame you?” asked the little prince.
“You must be very patient,” replied the fox. “First you will sit down at a little distance from me—like that—in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me every day…”

Sheila put her hand on the page. “Read that again, okay?”
I reread the section. She twisted around in my lap to look at me and for a long time locked me in her gaze. “That be what you do, huh?”
“What do you mean?”
“That’s what you done with me, huh? Tamed me.”
I smiled.
“It be just like this book says, remember? I do be so scared and I run in the gym and then you come in and you sit on the floor. Remember that? And I peed my pants, remember? I be so scared. I think you gonna whip me fierce bad ‘cause I done so much wrong that day. But you sit on the floor. And you come a little closer and a little closer. You was taming me, huh?”
“I smiled in disbelief. “Yeah, I guess maybe I was.”
“You tame me. Just like the little prince tames the fox. Just like you tamed me. And now I be special to you, huh? Just like the fox.”
“Yeah, you’re special all right, Sheil.”
She turned back around, settling into my lap again. “Read the rest of it.”
So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near—
“Ah,” said the fox, “I shall cry.”
“It is your own fault,” said the little prince. “I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you…”
“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.
“But now you are going to cry!” said the little prince.
“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.
“Then it has done you no good at all!”
“It has done me good,” said the fox, “because of the color of the wheat fields.” And then he added:
“Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret.

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
“You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when first I knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”
And the roses were very much embarrassed.
“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” he went on. “One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you—the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.”

And he went back to meet the fox.
“Goodbye,” he said.
“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
“What is essential is invisible to the eye,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”
“It is the time I have wasted for my rose--“ said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.
“Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox. “But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose…”

Sheila slid off my lap and turned around, getting on her knees so that she could look directly into my eyes. “You be ‘sponsible for me. You tame me, so now you be ‘sponsible for me?”
For several moments I looked into her fathomless eyes. I was not certain what she was asking me. She reached up and put her arms around my neck, not releasing me from her gaze.
“I tame you a little but too, huh? You tame me and I tame you. And now I do be ‘sponsible for you too, huh?”
I nodded. She let go of me and sat down. For a moment she lost herself, tracing a design on the rug with her finger.
“Why you do this?” she asked.
“Do what, Sheil?”
“Tame me.”
I did not know what to say.
Her water blue eyes rose to me. “Why you care? I can’t never figure that out. Why you want to tame me?”
My mind raced. They had never told me in my education classes or my child-psych classes that there would be children like this one. I was unprepared. This seemed like one of those moments when if I could only say the right thing…
“Well, kiddo, I don’t have a good reason, I guess. It just seemed like the thing to do.”
“Do it be like the fox? Do I be special now ‘cause you tame me? Do I be a special girl?”
I smiled. “Yeah, you’re my special girl. It’s like the fox says, now that I made you my friend, you’re unique in all the world. I guess I always wanted you for my special girl. I guess that’s why I tamed you to begin with.”
“Do you love me?”
I nodded.
“I love you too. You be my special best person in the whole world.”

Sheila scrunched herself down and around, lying on the carpet with her head resting on my thigh. She fiddled with a piece of lint she had found on the floor. I prepared to read again.
“Torey?”
“Yes?”
“You ain’t never gonna leave me?”
I touched her bangs crushing them back. “Well, someday, I reckon. When the school year is over and you go on to another class and another teacher. But not before then and that’s a long time away.”
She shot up. “You be my teacher. I ain’t never gonna have another teacher.”
“I’m your teacher now. But someday we’ll be finished.”
She shook her head; her eyes had clouded. “This here be my room. And I do be gonna be in here forever.”
It won’t be for a long time yet. When the time comes, you’ll be ready.”
“No sir. You tame me; you be ’sponsible for me. You can’t never leave me cause you be ‘sponsible for me forever. It says so right there, and that’s what you done to me, so it’s your fault that I got tame.”
“Hey honey,” I pulled her into my lap. “Don’t worry about it.”
“But you gonna leave me,” she said accusingly, pulling out of my hold. “Just like my Mama done. And Jimmie. And everybody. My Pa, he would if they wouldn’t put him in jail for it. He telled me that. You do be just like everybody else. You leave me too. Even after you tame me and I not ask you to.”
“It won’t be that way, Sheila. I’m not leaving you. I’m staying right here. When the year is over things will change, but I won’t leave you. Just like it says in the story, the little prince tamed the fox and now he’s gone, but really he’s always going to be with the fox because every time the fox sees the wheat fields he thinks of the little prince. He remembers how much the little prince loved him. That’s how it’ll be with us. We’ll always love each other. Going away is easier then, because every time you remember someone who loves you, you feel a little bit of their love.”
“No you don’t. You just miss them.”
I reached an arm out to her, bringing her close once again. She wasn’t going to be convinced. “Well, it’s a little too hard to think about right now. You’re not ready to leave and I won’t leave you. Someday you will be ready and it’ll be easier.”
“No, I won’t. I won’t never be ready.”
I was rocking her in my arms, holding her very tightly. This was too scary a thing for her right now. I did not know how to treat the issue because the time would come when she would have to leave, either when the state hospital had an opening or at the end of the school year in June. I already suspected my class would not exist the next year for a number of reasons. There was no use hoping that I would have her beyond the end of the year. So the time was coming and I did not know if in four short months she would feel much differently than she did right now.
Sheila let me rock her. She was studying my face. “Will you cry?”
“When?”
“When you leave?”
“Remember what the fox said? ‘One runs the risk of weeping, if one lets himself be tamed.’ He’s right. One cries a little. Every time someone goes away, you cry a little. Love hurts sometimes. Sometimes it makes you cry.”
“I cry about Jimmie and my Mama. But my Mama, she don’t love me none.”
“I don’t know about that. That happened before I knew you and I never met your Mama. But I can’t imagine that she didn’t love you some. It’s very hard not to love your kids.”
“But she leaved me on the highway. You don’t do that to your kids if you love them. Pa, he tell me that.”
“Like I said, Sheila, I don’t know. I don’t know who’s right. But it isn’t always that way. I’m never going to leave you in that way. When school is over and you go somewhere else, we’ll still be together, even if we don’t see each other. Because like the fox said, every time he saw a wheat field he thought of the little prince. So in a special way the little prince was with him. That’s the way it’ll be with us.”
“I don’t want no wheat fields. I want you.”
“But that’s special too, Sheil. At first we’ll be a little sad, but it’ll get better and then it’ll be good. Every time we think of the other, we will feel nice inside. You see, there won’t ever be enough miles to make us forget how happy we’ve been. Nothing can take away your memories.”
She pushed her face into me. “I don’t want to think about it.”
“No, you’re right. This isn’t the time to worry about it. It’s a long ways away. In the meantime, we’ll think of other things.”"

It made me cry I'm sure... Don't remember now, but instead of wheat fields for me, it is a million other things... Ex T/possibly T again, is always on my mind (well it has gotten better, maybe I can say mostly on my mind now)... He is truly a part of me (a good part). I too, wanted him to be responsible for me. He did establish "ties"!

Good luck with your appointment today. I hope your T understands and realizes how important this was for you and to you. Happy birthday by the way!!! ((((rainbow))))

Good luck with it.

[rainbow8]

Angelicgoldfish, thank you for posting all of chapter 10 of the book, and for the birthday wishes. What happened was that my T wished me happy birthday right away; she didn't forget. She also read the chapter of the book and had it with her. However, I had trouble talking about it with her. She asked me too soon if my mother acted that way with me, or if I wanted her to. I don't remember what I answered. I managed to tell T that I loved her for being a good person. I said those words. This whole subject of love is important to me and I told her that. I couldn't cry though.

When I got home, I felt sad and frustrated. I emailed T my feelings, telling her I know that I'm the only one who can hold that child part and love her but I feel helpless to do that. I feel like that child part is so sad and wish she had had someone like Torey Hayden in her life when she didn't talk because of selective mutism. I'm kind of depressed and sad right now. And tired. It was a long day. I wish I knew exactly why I feel so sad.....

Happy Birthday, rainbow8! I am so glad your Thera go help in using touch. It is very frightening for me to read about all the failures on here. Somethings never change, but you have. Hear hear! to your progress.

Your old friend,
gtgt (Your original name for me)

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by therapyworked4me

Happy Birthday, rainbow8! I am so glad your Thera go help in using touch. It is very frightening for me to read about all the failures on here. Somethings never change, but you have. Hear hear! to your progress.

Your old friend,
gtgt (Your original name for me)

Hey, you know I'd recognize you even if you didn't write your old name. Thank you for coming back to PC. I agree it's sad so many T's seem to be making mistakes and terminating people lately. I don't know if I'm a success because I'm still in therapy after so many years, but I do know I've changed, especially with my current T. I am glad she agreed to hold my hand again, but you know what? I think I could get along without it now!! She and I can connect without the touching and I can calm myself most of the time. Still, touch is nice.
Expressing love is something new for me, especially telling my T and my friends. My problem in my session was that child part wanted more love and wanted to talk more but was frustrated. I feel better today.