[Tongalee]

My therapist and I have been talking for awhile about coping skills and how to decrease the affect of the nightmares and flashbacks I'm having. However, I'm finding myself very critical and pessimistic about the ability of these skills to do so which is hindering me from even practicing them.

For example, I have bad nightmares and one thing that my therapist has been suggesting is that I write down the dream and change the ending... *blank stare of disbelief* Yes! Of course, why didn't I think of that.... ok let's try this: the little girl is stuck in a terrible situation in the middle of a thunderstorm, but then suddenly the sun comes up and she's able to live happily ever after!! Or maybe this is better: same start, little girl, bad place, bad people, bad weather, but (wait for it) dun da da da in comes someone good, it could be grown up me, it could be my therapist and swoops to the bed, unties the girl, beats up the bad guys and then they all live happily ever after!!!

I feel patronized, as though this is made to be such a simple fix for a deep and difficult struggle. Doing this, rewriting the dream changes nothing! It doesn't change the fact that that girl never got off the bed, that no matter how long she stared and waited and wished no one walked through that door to help. Rewriting this story for my dreams doesn't change or help anything and I'm tired of hearing it. Sorry.

[jaciRock]

"Don't knock it until you've tried it." The therapist isn't meaning to be patronizing--it sounds so obvious it's dumb but you might as well try it.

Went to the dentist in severe pain-in my jaw, up my face. He suggested Sensodyne when I was thinking Vicodan. He was right. Simple, stupid solution to what was a major event.

If you think of the dream as the same as waking life, the little girl might want to find a way to get her power back. There's no limit to what she can do in a dream (pull out a canon and blast her way free, magik her way to safety, etc.). It's actually not such a dumb or simplistic idea to be imaginative about breaking free of a fearful or traumatic situation. Even if it's just a dream or made up, the mind still has the experience of it. The key is that the little girl makes a better ending, not someone or something on the outside.

[Tongalee]

I have tried it. How long do I need to keep "trying" it before it works? Does this get to be one of those things that takes a really really long time and might not ever really happen but we just keep telling you that every time makes it better and closer to an end goal that may not actually exist? Great, very helpful.

Wouldn't work for me either, but I'm sure some find this kind of thing helpful.

[ThisWayOut]

I know it feels patronizing, and I'm sure t did not intend it that way. There's actually studies out there on that particular technique for helping with nightmares. It's not immediate, and it takes work, but I've heard and read that it does work over time. I can't remember the name of the technique, but the one I'm thinking of its a three step things that is supposed to help lessen the nightmares.
It doesn't change the past. It doesn't fix what's wrong, but it helps the nightmares according to the write ups. There's a similar art therapy technique that has you drawing representations of the emotions and the situations, then you change parts of the drawing to represent how you would have wanted things to be different...
when I get to my computer, I will look up the articles I'm thinking of.

The thing with most coping skills is that they do sound stupid most of the time, especially when what we are trying to ground from its so overwhelming. I have trouble with a lot of the grounding techniques because some are triggering, others just don't bring me back... it takes time and trial and error to find ones that work.
there's something to the concept of rewriting your story to change the ending, even if what you imagine just gives you a sense of power in the moment. No, it doesn't change the past, but it can help change how you feel in the moment... it doesn't work for everyone though, so keep looking if this doesn't feel "right" (and is not meant to be a magic cure. It's just supposed to help a bit over time)...

[SnakeCharmer]

I've used the techniques you're scorning. They work for me. They don't change what happened in the past. But they can change how we're reacting in the present.

If I have one of those terrible nightmares now, I can make it change while I'm still asleep. The nightmare stops. The nightmares caused me suffering in the present and the techniques taught me how to reduce present-day suffering.

I think it's fairly common for people to resist using these techniques. They seem trite and simplistic on the surface. Some people find them insulting. But nightmares and hyperventilation and stress happen in the here and now. Why resist finding ways to deal with the here and now?

For me, it made dealing with the past less stressful.

[Skywalking]

Honestly, I think it's better to develop your own strategies. Things that don't feel trite and that actually work and that you're actually willing to do.

It's funny though, because one way I dealt with awful nightmares that I've had all my life was to use them as a base for short fiction stories. Obviously not all of them turned out happy or even made sense, but it gave me a sense of control to get some sort of positive product- a super creative story- out of it. Of course I did that on my own, not because a therapist told me to, so again I say find what works for you. Just whatever it takes to address the issue in your own way.

My T never suggests I do this or that when in a difficult place, but instead contains my feelings each time they arise and it's that, that over time helps me manage the difficult times

[stopdog]

It is a real thing they try, if that makes a difference to you. (I am most assuredly not a fan of cbt - I find it to be total crap for me - just indicating Imagery Rehearsal Therapy is something a lot of them believe in.)

Rewriting nightmares helps end the trauma

Unlocking the grip of PTSD nightmares | Counseling Today

Nightmares and PTSD - PTSD: National Center for PTSD

[Restin]

Skywalker, I'm a writer/illustrator too, so really relate to your ideas about using the script. I changed the story of Bambi in a plausible way that helped with my dread of being reminded of that story or movie. It actually resolved it with my inner child.

But responding to Tongalee, it sounds very clear that those methods aren't working for you, and it's time to tell T emphatically. The same doesn't work for everyone and it does get very irritating to be reminded of stuff you don't need to hear.

[A Red Panda]

Haven't really read a lot of the responses, fyi.

I have a lot of random nightmares. I never change the ending... but when I wake up, I do tend to go over them in my head (this depends on what TYPE of nightmare I just had... if it invovled people I know in real life then I just ignore it as best as I can, but if it's more of a "story" sort of nightmares then I think about it... sometimes I'll end up finding some humour in it). Well, with my story-esque nightmares, I usually wake up before there's any clear "finish", so I treat it like I would a story I'm writing, and I think about what was going on and what was maybe going on behind the scenes in th story that I wasn't privee too, and then think about how things would have gone if I hadn't just woken up at the scary point..... and while doing that, I end to end up continuing it into a less horrific ending.

So while I don't change anything, I do continue it until it gets to a more satisfactory ending.

[Lauliza]

I know people who've used this technique and had success. A lot of CBT/DBT techniques rub some people the wrong way at first. They seem dismissive but they aren't - it's just away of coping with the stress of the here and now when nothing else is working. If you can get past negative reactions or frustrations around it, you may find the techniques really helpful after some practice. If not, you can tell your T it isn't helping and look into other approaches.

[MoxieDoxie]

I know consciously you feel they might not work but they are changing and doing something in the background(Subconsciously). They might not stop them all together but they could cut the frequency of them or dull them down a bit.

I feel the same way you do about the "holding an ice cube" coping skill and some of the other ones you see listed.

[pmbm]

I have complex trauma and I resisted all sorts of methods for dealing with my flashbacks and nightmares for a very long time. I thought the methods offered me sounded stupid and simplistic. I thought the therapist who was suggesting them had no clue as to the extent of trauma I was re-experiencing. I thought that the only way to deal with these things was to get help from an outside person at the time I was having the flashbacks and nightmares, But I found out that I am the only person with me at all times. And that nobody else in the world is going to be available to help me at all times. And even if I had a list of 10 people to help me, it was possible that nobody would be available to help me with that particularly difficult flashback or nightmare. I also ended up with a therapist who does no emergency phone calls. She often emails, but does not answer every email, and often answers hours or days later. She does this to keep people from becoming overly dependent on her. And it works. I see her two or three times a week. But, I can self-soothe in between. And she helped me develop a method that we use for putting away volatile stuff at the end of therapy sessions. And I also started using that method at home for nightmares and flashbacks. It was in no way an instant fix and took me many months of practicing many times everyday, but now I am pretty successful at putting the flashbacks and nightmares away until I want to journal about them or talk about them in therapy. This stuff sucks in the biggest way imaginable and it seems crazy that such simplistic sounding things can really help, but if you can figure out a reasonable sounding scenario for you, and you and your therapist can practice it, it is so helpful. I will say that it does not work all of the time, and somedays, I do that method again and again, like every 10 seconds, but it has been very helpful, even when at first it seemed that it trivialized what I had and was going through.

[Skywalking]

Originally Posted by Restin

Skywalker, I'm a writer/illustrator too, so really relate to your ideas about using the script. I changed the story of Bambi in a plausible way that helped with my dread of being reminded of that story or movie. It actually resolved it with my inner child.

That's awesome! I'm glad it worked for you. It seems like it's been helpful for others too and I'm truly surprised to find that my little project is a recognized technique. At the time I thought I was just being cheap and lazy at writing, letting my dreams do all the heavy lifting.

For me, it also helped change how I felt about dreaming. I was actually glad to have bad nightmares, because it meant I'd have fertile material for a new story. I still have periods of nightmares but with one or two exceptions they're not like they were, and not as frequent.

OP, I don't know if this approach would make any difference, make it feel less trite and insulting, if you ever want to give it a try. But I never tried to change the things I dreamed about. I didn't try and give them a happy ending or take away the things that were awful. What I did do was put them in a fictional context and assign my perspective in the dream to a fictional character. Then I threw in aliens or government spies or whatever. Suddenly the narrator in my dreams was a protagonist fighting the forces of darkness, LOL.

[precaryous]

Years ago i told my T at the time that I was having nightmares. He suggested that when I wake up from a nightmare, I should go do a household chore I dislike.

So there I was, at 3:00am, scrubbing floors after having had a bad nightmare...it didn't work, the nightmares remained. But my house was clean.
That T was a jerk.

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Years ago i told my T at the time that I was having nightmares. He suggested that when I wake up from a nightmare, I should go do a household chore I dislike.

So there I was, at 3:00am, scrubbing floors after having had a bad nightmare...it didn't work, the nightmares remained. But my house was clean.
That T was a jerk.

Lmao that is terrific! Thank you for making my day I'm sorry to take pleasure from your situation if it causes you pain, but I needed a smile and this did it. My house would be so clean! My laundry would always be done

[Tongalee]

In response to everyone else, I understand that this works for some and thank you for your input. I'm gong to have to let my therapist know that it's just not something that I ever consider working for me. All of my bad dreams have happened and that's not going to change. The idea of reimagining then so that something better happens is pointless. I would rather just focus on how to handle my upset once they do. Calming techniques not remove yourself from reality ones.

[pmbm]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

In response to everyone else, I understand that this works for some and thank you for your input. I'm gong to have to let my therapist know that it's just not something that I ever consider working for me. All of my bad dreams have happened and that's not going to change. The idea of reimagining then so that something better happens is pointless. I would rather just focus on how to handle my upset once they do. Calming techniques not remove yourself from reality ones.

I totally get using calming techniques and not trying to change the scenarios. I get so mad at people who say well just change it. Become a superhero and save that little girl. Imagine the therapist saving you. I can't do that stuff. I won't do that stuff. I went through a huge part of my life believing that nobody would ever believe me. I need to keep honoring the truth of what happened to me. But, I put all of the stuff in a locked up box, in a boat, that I tether to the land on the longest rope in the world, but then send that boat out to sea. So far that I cannot see it anymore. And I bring it back when the information in the nightmare or the flashback or the conversation in therapy will be helpful and necessary again. Sometimes that boat gets blown into shore again and again and I have to reel it back out again and again. But it has gotten lots easier over time.

[boredporcupine]

All of my bad dreams have happened and that's not going to change. The idea of reimagining then so that something better happens is pointless.

The 100% true, better ending that happened in real life but that you aren't aware of while having the nightmare is that you survived to tell the tale. If you want to rescript the nightmares without changing the historical facts, just write down the story of what happened to you, but continue it to the present day.

[ScarletPimpernel]

When I have a bad dream, wake up, and go back to sleep, my mind loves to replay the original dream. So I try to adjust it. It isn't that it will fix the past, but it allows me to get some peaceful sleep instead of reliving the trauma over and over again in my dreams. Sometimes it works and sometimes my mind is just set on torturing me. But I am grateful for the times it does work. Sleep is cery important to mental and physical health. If dreaming about a better ending will allow you to get restful sleep, don't you think that alone is worth it?