Group therapy, UGH

So it was a good individual therapy session today. We didn't talk much about group at all (and when we did, it was because I alluded to it, go figure). I did talk about what I wouldn't be willing to talk about in group, and that led to a discussion about conflict again. Apparently I avoid conflict without even realizing it. I never gave it much thought really. So nowadays we talk about what's good about conflicts. I have yet to be convinced. :-) I'm also not too sure how useful group is ultimately going to be, but I guess I'll stick around for a bit. If the sessions were more like last night's I might be more comfortable. One thing I really like about therapy is that my therapist is always trying to get me to work on all these different issues which I never even said were a problem. I didn't come to therapy saying I can't handle conflict. In fact, I said I see no point in conflict at all and have never so much as implied that I wanted to work on it. He brings it up though. It probably IS an issue. I mean, I'm complaining that I don't feel close to people. He's probably right that there's some value in conflict. It's likely to be some time before I'm touching anything like that in group though. I can't imagine caring about something that went on in there enough to actually try to get into it. Sigh......

Thanks to everyone for the input!

Sidony

I'm glad your individual therapy went well, sidony.

I am a conflict avoider too, so I read your comments with interest. I guess it never occurred to me this was something I should work on in therapy. Too many topics, not enough time! You wrote, "So nowadays we talk about what's good about conflicts". Can you share with me what is good about conflicts? I don't know that either. I just prefer to avoid conflicts because in conflicts people are angry and make me feel bad, and who needs that? I want to feel better, not worse, so seeking out conflicts would not seem very helpful. I am sure if I said all that to my T, he would have a field day. I actually don't really like people who want conflicts all the time. They are unpleasant to me.

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sunrise said:
Can you share with me what is good about conflicts? I don't know that either. I just prefer to avoid conflicts because in conflicts people are angry and make me feel bad, and who needs that? I want to feel better, not worse, so seeking out conflicts would not seem very helpful. I am sure if I said all that to my T, he would have a field day.

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Yes, definitely say that to your therapist. They love these kinds of challenges.

As far as what's good about conflicts: My therapist said that in good conflicts, at some point you can come to a real connection with another person -- there's a moment when you can really understand their point of view even though you might disagree. And in that moment, you're much more connected. (I'm sure I didn't recap what he said very well at all here, but that's the gist.) Also, he talked about conflict being necessary in order to get what you want! I think he was suggesting that I'd give up something I wanted in order to avoid conflict. He's probably right about that. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. He thinks it's because I've seen only bad models of conflict, not healthy ones. Supposedly in group therapy people learn how to have healthier conflicts. Of course I don't actually participate in any of the conflicts, but at least I listen. I'll try to decide if I think some of it is being handled in healthier ways.

Sidony

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sidony said:
As far as what's good about conflicts: My therapist said that in good conflicts, at some point you can come to a real connection with another person -- there's a moment when you can really understand their point of view even though you might disagree. And in that moment, you're much more connected. (I'm sure I didn't recap what he said very well at all here, but that's the gist.) Also, he talked about conflict being necessary in order to get what you want! I think he was suggesting that I'd give up something I wanted in order to avoid conflict. He's probably right about that. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. He thinks it's because I've seen only bad models of conflict, not healthy ones. Supposedly in group therapy people learn how to have healthier conflicts.

Sidony

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I'd love to learn how to come through a conflict. As soon as I realize I've hurt another person or made the mad or uncomfortable, I back off and try to repair things. (It's that abandonment fear - I don't want them to leave me.) So what does a healthy argument look like - what are the steps? I don't know.

There's a peer only support group near me that I just found out about - maybe I'll go, Sidony, and see what it's like. That will be a risk. Probably not the same as Group Therapy though, right?