[granite1]

I know my T calling me should be no big deal but it is staying in the back of my mind and is making me so uncomfortable .the situation is this . I was away at the beginning of this week on a scrapbooking retreat. I usually have T on Tuesday at 3 . it was 310 and my cell phone rings at first I did not recognize her voice. she said hi granite sorry to bother you but I wanted to know if this was the week you were going to be away, i forgot to write down the date. and when you didn't show up... I did finely realize who it was . she never calls me unless it is in response to me calling her and that is rare maybe like 4 times in 4 years. anyway I told her it was and she askes if I was away now and I said that I was . she said that she was sorry to interrupt my retreat and wanted to be sure I was ok.i told her that I was fine and that it was ok . she said that if everything was ok that she would see me on the 17th and to have a good time .I verified it would be on the 17thand said goodbye.

this is what is bothering me . if I had not shown up for a reason other then I was away and she had just forgotten . why was she calling me . I didn't think that T were suppose to do this . I thought if you didn't show up because you were upset at something or are unable to deal with something etc... the T was not suppose to chase after someone. I am a person who doesn't mind strict boundaries it can be tough at times but it feels safe . I hate expectations. I have never not showed up for T without calling or giving her notice . im not one for playing the chase after me thing. I don't know how to respond to it at all . it makes me uncomfortable if she might call me if I choose not to go to session etc.. if I ever did that it wouldn't be because I want her to call me or anything .it would mean I need the space . thoughts on t calling if you don't show up for T.

[UnderRugSwept]

Well, since you didn't show up and she made a mistake and forgot it was the week you were going to be out of town, she was checking on you to make sure that you were ok. It's not like you said you wanted to take a break and she was calling you anyway...those are two totally different things.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I have never not showed up for T without calling or giving her notice . im not one for playing the chase after me thing.

I'd bet that is exactly WHY your T called you. It's completely out of the ordinary for you not to show up, and she knows that. She was probably just concerned for you. Personally, I'd thank T for the concern and just go on about my day.

I do understand your fear about T calling to check on you if you don't show up, but I think it's the mark of a good T that she knows not showing up is out of the ordinary and that something might be going on. I think it shows how much she cares about you that she called to double check.

I know that my own T will not typically call unless I ask her to, but I think she'd probably contact me if I suddenly didn't show up for a session. I think most professionals in different fields would probably follow up and at least see if you need to reschedule. I know my eye doctor, dentist, and even my veterinarian would do so.

The best thing to do (and you probably already know this ) would be to talk to your T about how her call made you feel. Talk to her about whether or not she would call if you just didn't show up. You even have the right to ask her not to call if you don't show up.

[ThisWayOut]

I would echo what blessedrhiannon said: it's out of character for you to just not show without at least calling or cancelling.
I never just "not show" except when I am physically unable, or in the rare instance that my schedule with T has changed and I forget that it's not on our normal day. This happened once last year, and my T did the same thing. I totally spaced on having switched to an earlier day that week so I didn't show. T called, and then I had a doh! moment.
As BR said, you have every right to ask T not to call even if you forget. I think T was just checking because it's out of character for you simply to no-show... But def. talk to her about it.
How was your scrapping weekend otherwise?

She was just double checking. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew you had talked about the retreat but couldn't remember when it was. She just wanted to be sure this was the week and that all was okay. Mine would have done the same since I never miss appointments.

I think it's business courtesy that you let your T know if you're not going to be showing up. Otherwise, she would be waiting there for an hour without a clue what was going on. And possibly worrying, if it's not like you. I don't think you owe her a lengthy explanation.

The not chasing part would be her holding back from trying to convince you to come in despite you trying to cancel. Like any other professional, if you have an appointment and don't show up, they will call to find out what's going on. My dentist, hair stylist, mechanic, etc would do the same.

It would bother me too. I don't think therapists should make those types of calls.

Asking her if she would do that if you were to take a break or terminate would be a really good question and might ease your worry/unease about the phone call.

[SnakeCharmer]

She had a vague memory you had a retreat, but said she didn't write it down.
Maybe the call was more about checking to see if it was okay for her to take care of her own needs during the mid-afternoon rather than checking up on you. I mean, it would be inconsiderate for her to leave the office and then have you show up three minutes later or even to go off doing her own thing if you were at your retreat and something had happened that made you feel the need for your T.

You were fine and she probably went and did something for herself, without burdening you with her own stuff. She probably was checking to make sure she wouldn't be letting you down.

She sounds caring. If it bugs you ... you know the spiel .. talk to her about it.

[stopdog]

I have had the one call me once when I was running late because of court. I had not had a chance to let her know and was already driving before realizing I was going to be about 10 - 15 min. late. I directly cancel when I am not planning on going so just not showing was unusual - and I was surprised but not upset because calling seemed a direct way of finding out what was going on since I was expected. To me, that is different than if I said I was canceling and she called me to find out why or if I quit and she called me. Plus I have had to contact her to double check when she cancelled to make sure I had the date written correctly. I am not big on therapists caring sort of stuff - but this to me would have been logistical not intrusive.

[brillskep]

I don't think it's chasing after someone. I tend to do the same thing. Though to be honest calling a client just ten minutes into a session when they don't show up seems a little soon to me. I'm sorry to hear that you felt bothered and intruded upon, but at least in my country this would seem to be normal. Your therapist needs to know if you're not going to show up just as any other professional would (or really any other person). She could just spend that time doing something else or having an appointment with another client. And yes, given the nature of psychotherapy and perhaps other circumstances, there's the added element of working with vulnerable people who may not show up due to difficulties which would be better addressed, and in my opinion it is the therapist's job to show availability (definitely not chase after clients and insist though).

If this is bothering you, it's probably best to let your therapist know and negotiate boundaries at your next session. I hope your vacation has been a good one anyway.

[Gavinandnikki]

Your therapist cares about you. No chasing.

Just wanted to make sure all was well.

I think it quite nice that she called.

Good T.

[granite1]

thanks for all your responses . it has helped put things in a bit more perspective. I did let her know I was not coming . if I had just not shown up I would never expect her to sit and wait around incase I needed her or anything like that at all. if I don't show up it is on me and I would always take responsibility for that and never want her to call or wait around for me and I would not get angry at her at all . it would be my doing . it is nice that she seems to care. I do see that I have overreacted to it .I just have problems knowing how to react to something like that . I don't know if I want to talk to her about it because I don't want her to feel bad for calling me when it is my issue

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by brillskep

I don't think it's chasing after someone. I tend to do the same thing. Though to be honest calling a client just ten minutes into a session when they don't show up seems a little soon to me.

Just for comparison, at american universities, back when i attended, we were supposed to wait twenty minutes for a full professor who was late, but only had to wait ten minutes for a late lecturer.

[PaulaS]

I spoke with a new potential T about a similar matter. She told me she have had clients who wanted her to go after them if the left the session out of anger or being upset. Others, she just left alone for a while as she knew they´ll come back next week anyway. She also told me that she usually asks the client what he or she want her to do in such situations and I think the only way to prevent unwnted reactions from your T is to just tell her. Tell her you don´t want her to call you.

I think it must be quite hard for a T to just know how a client wants them to act. An an example, I´m the opposite from you in this aspect, I would be really disappointed if a T didn´t call me or e-mailed me if I didn´t show up to a session without leaving a message.

Originally Posted by granite1

I know my T calling me should be no big deal but it is staying in the back of my mind and is making me so uncomfortable .the situation is this . I was away at the beginning of this week on a scrapbooking retreat. I usually have T on Tuesday at 3 . it was 310 and my cell phone rings at first I did not recognize her voice. she said hi granite sorry to bother you but I wanted to know if this was the week you were going to be away, i forgot to write down the date. and when you didn't show up... I did finely realize who it was . she never calls me unless it is in response to me calling her and that is rare maybe like 4 times in 4 years. anyway I told her it was and she askes if I was away now and I said that I was . she said that she was sorry to interrupt my retreat and wanted to be sure I was ok.i told her that I was fine and that it was ok . she said that if everything was ok that she would see me on the 17th and to have a good time .I verified it would be on the 17thand said goodbye.

this is what is bothering me . if I had not shown up for a reason other then I was away and she had just forgotten . why was she calling me . I didn't think that T were suppose to do this . I thought if you didn't show up because you were upset at something or are unable to deal with something etc... the T was not suppose to chase after someone. I am a person who doesn't mind strict boundaries it can be tough at times but it feels safe . I hate expectations. I have never not showed up for T without calling or giving her notice . im not one for playing the chase after me thing. I don't know how to respond to it at all . it makes me uncomfortable if she might call me if I choose not to go to session etc.. if I ever did that it wouldn't be because I want her to call me or anything .it would mean I need the space . thoughts on t calling if you don't show up for T.

[WikidPissah]

I think as long as you don't expect her to play that sort of game with you, you're okay.
She was just checking in.

Granite.. I had the same thing happen to me. I told T I was going to miss that session to take my S to college and she called while we were on our way back. I didn't answer because of everyone being in the car so I just listened to message and she said something similar..that she wasn't sure this was the week...blah blah... I texted her back and all was good.