[Jordy]

Today I had one of my hardest sessions ever: I started with admitting to T that my Sui and SI urges were really strong lately and that yesterday I drank quite a lot, over-ate and purged. T was really empathetic, but she admitted to not knowing what more she could do to help me. So we spent a lot of time in silence, I could barely look at her or say anything, I just felt like the whole room was full of raw pain. At one point I think T was trying to see whether I was suicidal as she hinted at it maybe being an option and really wanted me to say something about that. As soon as I mentioned not being able to hurt my nieces in that way she let go of the subject.
She tried to give some motivation to continue looking for a job as this would help so much... At the end of the session she gave me a hug and I nearly cried, when she let go and saw my face she immediately hugged me again and said: "oh Sweetie I so wish I could pack you up and take you home." All I could answer was: " but you can't..."

I think I've never let her see so much pain, I've never been so close to breaking down and it was so hard to talk, to leave my "socially acceptable mask" behind, but I'm kinda glad I did it. It's hard to share the pain, but it's even harder to carry it alone.

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[Ad Intra]

I'm glad we were able to still go to your session today. Wow the whole hour seemed tough. It good though that you had the chance to talk about the urges and how you're struggling.

[Crazy Hitch]

Jordy -

I would like to please point out to you THE most powerful statement I have EVER read here on PC that you wrote:

"It's hard to share the pain, but it's even harder to carry it alone."

Unbelievable and so true.

I wish I had this "conceptualised". You are so right.

Opening up to your T rather than hiding behind a mask is so important.

I am so glad that you have helped me to see this.

I am sorry that through your pain I am able to gain clarity on mine and what needs to be done.

Take care of yourself and let us know how you go.

Thank you so much for helping me.

[Jordy]

Ad Intra: yes, it was a difficult session, but I'm glad I went. I feel a bit better now, probably because T validated all my feelings even though she couldn't take them away.

Hooligan: thanks for the compliment and I'm happy I could help you. Actually this statement came naturally to me as I was writing it and I will try to stick to it.

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Does she really not know how to help you? She should find someone who can. It seems unethical to continue to treat you if she feels she cannot help you. That is scary to me.

I am sorry you're struggling.

What happened with the job interview last week?

[JustShakey]

(((Jordy)))

[Jordy]

Puzzle bug: she can't help me at the moment because I still use the bedroom I was abused in. Once I move out there's plenty she can do to help me, but until then she can only support me and try to give me some hope. I don't think another T could help me any more.

Licketysplit: I didn't get the job...

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Still it seems like she could help you with coping skills and ways to deal with the situation.

I hope you aren't still being abused.

[Jordy]

She does help me with coping skills, I barely SI anymore, I rarely drink instead of nearly every day when I first started seeing her. It's just that I really need trauma work but she won't do it until I move out.

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[CrimsonBlues]

I am so sorry that you are struggling with such painful thoughts and feelings. I know how awful that place is and I wish you well.

[Jordy]

Thanks for the support.
I actually feel quite better today, as if I had left some of the pain with T.

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I'm sorry about the job.