[PeeJay]

My first ever therapist abandoned me two-and-a-half years ago.

I just wanted to share that I am healed from that.

I started therapy with a private practitioner nearly four years ago and the therapist disappeared after I confessed sui thoughts. The therapist was in over his/her head with my issues and the therapist's behavior re-traumatized me.

It's like this therapist held my hand to open a can of worms and then disappeared when it got tough. (My issues are abuse / childhood abandonment / trauma / foster care kid stuff.)

I found a new therapist two years ago and it has been a long journey, but I feel more stable than I've felt in nearly six years! I've learned so much about trauma and I've gotten so many tools for my own healing.

I don't mean to brag or boast about this. I really feel thankful and more at peace with myself and the world around me than I thought was possible.

I thought that losing my first therapist was the end of the world. When I think about my first (bad) therapist now, I'm grateful the therapy ended when it did so that I could find this new therapist who actually knew what she was doing.

I don't miss the first therapist at all. I feel no ties to that person. I feel slightly bad that the person is not that great of a practitioner and I think that I'm a healthier individual than that supposed professional. I am angry at the ex-therapist sometimes, but no longer really sad.

That's all.

I don't want anyone to read this and feel bad or judge his or her own progress. I just wanted to share some hope. ...This is the message from the future that I wish my former self had gotten when times were really dark.

So often, people share their distress in the moment on these boards but there doesn't seem to be huge follow up.

I may be a therapy lifer. I'm not sure.

[SnakeCharmer]

Thank you for your post, Peejay. It comes at a good time and it was kind of you to relate your story. I wish you the best.

I appreciate you sharing something positive. I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" I may not know what that reason is at the time, but sometimes when I look back like you just did, I can see it and think, "if I only knew that when it was happening?"
Thanks for taking the time to share

[growlycat]

It is great to hear success stories, especially after having a bad T experience…And welcome back!

[coconut64]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

My first ever therapist abandoned me two-and-a-half years ago.

I just wanted to share that I am healed from that.

I started therapy with a private practitioner nearly four years ago and the therapist disappeared after I confessed sui thoughts. The therapist was in over his/her head with my issues and the therapist's behavior re-traumatized me.

It's like this therapist held my hand to open a can of worms and then disappeared when it got tough. (My issues are abuse / childhood abandonment / trauma / foster care kid stuff.)

I found a new therapist two years ago and it has been a long journey, but I feel more stable than I've felt in nearly six years! I've learned so much about trauma and I've gotten so many tools for my own healing.

I don't mean to brag or boast about this. I really feel thankful and more at peace with myself and the world around me than I thought was possible.

I thought that losing my first therapist was the end of the world. When I think about my first (bad) therapist now, I'm grateful the therapy ended when it did so that I could find this new therapist who actually knew what she was doing.

I don't miss the first therapist at all. I feel no ties to that person. I feel slightly bad that the person is not that great of a practitioner and I think that I'm a healthier individual than that supposed professional. I am angry at the ex-therapist sometimes, but no longer really sad.

That's all.

I don't want anyone to read this and feel bad or judge his or her own progress. I just wanted to share some hope. ...This is the message from the future that I wish my former self had gotten when times were really dark.

So often, people share their distress in the moment on these boards but there doesn't seem to be huge follow up.

I may be a therapy lifer. I'm not sure.

I really commend you for being able to move forward and find a new T to continue your healing. I haven't been able to.

I too come from a similar background plagued by abuse, trauma, abandonment. I was in therapy for nearly five years with a psychoanalytic T going several times a week. Until he abandoned me overnight. No termination session, no nothing. I told him once that his office was the closest thing to a home I've ever had in terms of feeling heard, understood, safe. When he terminated me, I felt like I was being ripped off his arms. Like I was abandoned mortally wounded in a battlefield where he just stepped over me and walked away with no qualms.

I was broken before and now I'm shattered and I don't see it ever getting better. I can never go back. I'm not good with relationships, my boyfriends tell me I make it impossible to love me. What I get from relationships is hurt, rejection, betrayal, abandonment. I know I'm probably replaying the patterns from my past because of the trauma. It's painful enough to deal with this in personal relationships but to have it happen in a professional relationship (the term he used to tell me he was terminating me because it was a professional relationalship and he didn't owe me anything). It's just too painful.

This happened three years ago and I'm still devastated and deeply hurt. I refuse to go back to therapy, to start anymore intimate relationships. I'm done. I have put all my feelings back in the box and I'm trying to survive as best I can.

For a about a year and a half after termination, I was so depressed I was home bound mostly sleeping my pain away and watching as much tv as I could. After that, I od. That forced me out of my funk but I refused any kind of treatment or meds or anything.

What I want the most is to have a relationship, have a family but it is also what terrifies me the most. I made so much progress in therapy that I came to believe it was possible. Not anymore.

One of the worst parts about the sudden termination was how humiliating it was to want to talk about it with him, to be so attached to someone to whom I mattered so little. Feelings, intimacy are extremely hard for me. I don't have many to share like other people do. But I opened up to this person, shared my feelings, talked to him about things I never shared with anyone before. And for what? For nothing. It was a waste. I'm ashamed that even after he terminated me, hurt me, rejected me, abandoned me, he was still the only person I wanted to talk to about it.

I can't go through this again. I'm never going to let another human being hurt me again physically, sexually, or psychologically. My father did that and my mother did nothing to help me. I now know that these wounds will never heal and that their weight is something I must carry for the rest of my life. I can only depend on myself and I must protect me since no one else will.

I admire you because I just cannot go back. My ex-t came highly recommended, he is a psychoanalyst and especializes in trauma. He couldn't have a better resume. I'm more broken now than when I started. All therapy has done for me is breaking the last of me and leaving me shattered. There are no more pieces to put back together, there is no more hope, no more wishing. Just surviving and fighting to stay alive.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by coconut64

I can't go through this again. I'm never going to let another human being hurt me again physically, sexually, or psychologically. My father did that and my mother did nothing to help me. I now know that these wounds will never heal and that their weight is something I must carry for the rest of my life. I can only depend on myself and I must protect me since no one else will.

I admire you because I just cannot go back. My ex-t came highly recommended, he is a psychoanalyst and especializes in trauma. He couldn't have a better resume. I'm more broken now than when I started. All therapy has done for me is breaking the last of me and leaving me shattered. There are no more pieces to put back together, there is no more hope, no more wishing. Just surviving and fighting to stay alive.

My first therapist definitely left me worse off than I began. Though I could argue that I was already pretty hurt deep inside and all that therapist did was bring it all to the surface. I wasn't living fully to begin with.

The danger with therapists (for some of us) is that we let them into a vulnerable space in our lives, which gives them the power to hurt us pretty deeply.

But that's true of all people whom we let in - friends, lovers, teachers, even our children.

The hope is that we risk getting hurt for the chance that maybe we won't get hurt, and maybe we'll be fulfilled or healed instead.

It'd be a huge risk for you to try to connect with someone (a therapist might be a good place to start but therapists are just people, too), but it might be worth the risk.

I mean, you've already been hurt. Been there. Done that. You survived and are still surviving.

So, maybe you'll get hurt again, or maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get healed. That's the wild card unknown that would drive you to take a risk.

Could you get a doggy companion? Dogs are awesome and don't hurt us like humans do. The next step after that would be trying to connect with a human being.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

My first ever therapist abandoned me two-and-a-half years ago.

I just wanted to share that I am healed from that.

I started therapy with a private practitioner nearly four years ago and the therapist disappeared after I confessed sui thoughts. The therapist was in over his/her head with my issues and the therapist's behavior re-traumatized me.

It's like this therapist held my hand to open a can of worms and then disappeared when it got tough. (My issues are abuse / childhood abandonment / trauma / foster care kid stuff.)

Peejay I am so glad to hear of your journey and a happy ending. So often I lose hope about getting through this same situation myself. But your story gives me renewed hope. I too had a t that was in over his head about my situation. He was a catalyst for opening up pandora's box, and then he abandoned me on top of all that, thereby re-traumatizing me.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I found a new therapist two years ago and it has been a long journey, but I feel more stable than I've felt in nearly six years! I've learned so much about trauma and I've gotten so many tools for my own healing.

The new therapist has been helping me and I am making some progress. I feel like today was a huge step forward and I thank you for your support. I have spent the past who knows how many years unstable (probably since 2011 or 2010)... I am looking forward to getting stabilized one day also. I'm so glad you got many tools for your healing. You also have a wealth of knowledge about trauma which will help you and many others.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I don't mean to brag or boast about this. I really feel thankful and more at peace with myself and the world around me than I thought was possible.

Boast away! I think it is an amazing accomplishment and must feel like such a burden is gone from your shoulders/life. I am so happy for you and thank you for sharing your peace. You did it and you have healed. If I were you I would feel proud of myself for getting through everything you did and are at a place to help out others now.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I thought that losing my first therapist was the end of the world.

Oh goodness, me too. I am sure I will go through the grief cycle once again, or for the rest of my life. He meant so much to me. But for now, I guess I'm at the acceptance end of the spectrum of grief. It is a good place to be and I am grateful.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

When I think about my first (bad) therapist now, I'm grateful the therapy ended when it did so that I could find this new therapist who actually knew what she was doing.

I don't miss the first therapist at all. I feel no ties to that person. I feel slightly bad that the person is not that great of a practitioner and I think that I'm a healthier individual than that supposed professional. I am angry at the ex-therapist sometimes, but no longer really sad.

I can't say I relate to all of this because my first t really was a good t and very effective at helping me. This is why is was so frustrating he chose not to help me. I felt I was beyond what he could handle but he still did a good job if that makes sense. When he was present, he was extremely effective as a t for me. I will miss him for the rest of my life. I will move on from wanting him back in my life but I will never forget all the impact he made on my life (good and bad). I am angry at him too though off and on. For now I am at peace.

I'm glad you found a t that has been helpful and effective for you Peejay. It truly makes a world of difference in a person's life.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

That's all.

I don't want anyone to read this and feel bad or judge his or her own progress. I just wanted to share some hope. ...This is the message from the future that I wish my former self had gotten when times were really dark.

So often, people share their distress in the moment on these boards but there doesn't seem to be huge follow up.

I am glad you shared where you are at. It doesn't make me feel bad for where I am at (which is perhaps years behind you in this healing), but instead it gives me hope. You made it through the dark times and you are proof it's possible. You are a success story. Thank you for sharing your story.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I may be a therapy lifer. I'm not sure.

Me too

angelicgoldfish

I got a lot out of reading your post. Thank you for pointing out and making me more aware of important aspects of others posts that I may have missed.

[Restin]

I went through a similar experience and still wonder how such a horrible mistake could be made. But I'm in deep therapy again and this time there is good hope.
If it will be encouraging in any way, a huge amount of progress has been made in the past decade or so in psychiatric approach and theory. The psychoanalysts were very short on understanding and treating Transference and attachment disorders. Freud mainly treated wealthy neurotics and his silence-and-frustration style was appropriate for them. But, the old style, classic psychoanalysis fails to meet the needs of modern clients who often suffer from severe neglect and abuse. The new way is the Psychodynamic Relationship where it's a healing relationship through allowing the attachment problems to come forth with the fears and needs.
It's not your fault that you were abandoned by that T. Most likely both the therapist and therapy was wrong. I hope you will give another therapist a chance, but maybe you will need some time. Just know that there are compassionate, humane therapists out there who care enough to give you the time you need to reconstruct your life.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Peejay I am so glad to hear of your journey and a happy ending. So often I lose hope about getting through this same situation myself. But your story gives me renewed hope. I too had a t that was in over his head about my situation. He was a catalyst for opening up pandora's box, and then he abandoned me on top of all that, thereby re-traumatizing me.

The new therapist has been helping me and I am making some progress. I feel like today was a huge step forward and I thank you for your support. I have spent the past who knows how many years unstable (probably since 2011 or 2010)... I am looking forward to getting stabilized one day also. I'm so glad you got many tools for your healing. You also have a wealth of knowledge about trauma which will help you and many others.

I can't say I relate to all of this because my first t really was a good t and very effective at helping me. This is why is was so frustrating he chose not to help me. I felt I was beyond what he could handle but he still did a good job if that makes sense. When he was present, he was extremely effective as a t for me. I will miss him for the rest of my life. I will move on from wanting him back in my life but I will never forget all the impact he made on my life (good and bad). I am angry at him too though off and on. For now I am at peace.

I'm glad you found a t that has been helpful and effective for you Peejay. It truly makes a world of difference in a person's life.

Angelic,

Thanks for your kind post to me. It really cheered me!

I wanted to respond for a while so I hope you see this. (I've been too occupied to write much here over last weekend!)

Good luck to you on your journey!

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

The therapist was in over his/her head with my issues and the therapist's behavior re-traumatized me.

It's like this therapist held my hand to open a can of worms and then disappeared when it got tough.

Wow this describes exactly what I went thru last Fall. Different issues and circumstances, but the basic outline is the same. Feel totally destroyed.

Glad to hear people do come out the other side, and congratulations on being in a better place.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

My first therapist definitely left me worse off than I began. Though I could argue that I was already pretty hurt deep inside and all that therapist did was bring it all to the surface. I wasn't living fully to begin with.

The danger with therapists (for some of us) is that we let them into a vulnerable space in our lives, which gives them the power to hurt us pretty deeply.

But that's true of all people whom we let in - friends, lovers, teachers, even our children.

PeeJay, same here with my last T -- left me considerably worse off, but i was also already quite a mess and much of what happened was deep issues getting brought to surface. But my T also added new wounds on top of the old, by saying certain things that subtly heaped responsibility on me, created chaos, confusion.

It's true that letting anyone in is risky, but with Ts it is especially so because of the asymmetry (we are exposed and vulnerable and they are not, or much much less). And so they have enormous power and huge responsibility to wield it carefully. Having a client come out worse than before is a massive failure, and it seems clients have little recourse and not much support when this happens. My only recourse has been to stumble through a handful of Ts, only 1 of them seemingly understanding, the rest making me feel slightly worse. Makes me question the legitimacy of the entire enterprise.