Did I do something really dumb with my T?

I had a hard session. Something happened that led me to begin to feel really difficult emotions, and so I 'drifted off", dissociated I guess. I was fighting it, but that made it worse.....I couldn't speak or move for a while...

I was terrified, back in the past and trying to stay in the present, and T was trying to ground me....and I suddenly found I was terrified that I had done something wrong and something bad was about to happen.

T tried to ensure I was grounded before I left, but I was a mess......

So........this is the dumb bit.......

I was driving home and freaking out that I had said something wrong and I was in trouble with T. Is this common? Anyway....I called him!! I almost never call, maybe once or twice in 2 years when in complete panic.

I called....and he told me no I wasn't in trouble, I had actually not spoken during that time so had said nothing that was wrong and I wasn't in trouble with him......but he seemed....aloof and a little annoyed, almost didn't want to give me support for how to manage what I was experiencing when I asked for help.

Have I done something really stupid? Have I stepped over the line??

(I am panicked, because he may be leaving soon and I can't have this end even sooner because I have stuffed up)

It doesn't seem like anything stupid to me; rather, it seems functional to immediately check out your feeling with him. Perhaps you perceived him as aloof because you were in the dissociative hang-over? Could the perception be more attached to that dissociative feeling of having said something wrong and expecting to be punished? That happened to me a couple of times.

what feralkittymom said...
Also, I've done that before. And checked out on t, and panicked, and called t, and not believed t after calling... turned out it was all triggered old stuff.
hope you can figure it out.

I just want to let you know that I experience this sometimes too and it has always turned out okay for me in the end. When I next see my t, I bring up the feelings I've had (be it guilt, shame etc.) and we explore the possibilities of why I felt that way. Those sessions are, inevitably, incredibly rewarding ones.

I don't think you've done anything to feel this way - it certainly doesn't sound that way. Idk if it's the case for you, but sometimes our insecurities can make us deeply question ourselves, leaving us open to extreme self-criticism and self-doubt, and we can then project our critical self view onto others - believing they think that way of us.

Be kind to yourself.

It could just as easily be that he wasn't in therapy mode when you called, not that he was irritated. Maybe his mind was on something else and he just gave a quick response to your question, but wasn't dialed into your emotions? If I ever have a doubt like that after session, I try to spend the week thinking it's all okay. It has never not been okay by the time I saw her again.

You didn't do anything wrong or dumb.
Your T wants you to be safe. Your T will consider your calling in the context of all your other relating.
My T has said to call if ever I feel I need to talk, knowing that it will be seldom and probably highly significant if I do call.

No you didn't do anything wrong. It's possible that because you were so anxious you read too much into his tone. I think it's more likely he was just being direct and nothing more. Sometimes people are more terse over the phone, especially if they are busy and that can come off as aloof.

Thank you all. The feeling has lasted all night and made finding sleep difficult!!

I think you are probably right that my T was probably busy and I caught him on the hop. And that I was/am putting my own feelings onto him. My experience so far with him ought to let me be assured that there is no problem and that he will be fine with me contacting him. I do struggle to hold on to that at times. Thanks for the reminder to keep doing that though.

Feralkkitty.....can I ask what you mean by the dissociative hangover? (think that's what you called it, can't see it on mobile while typing)

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Feralkkitty.....can I ask what you mean by the dissociative hangover? (think that's what you called it, can't see it on mobile while typing)

Sorry Jane, I just got back to this thread. It's not a technical term or anything LOL! I just had a lot of difficulty with dissociation in the first couple of years of therapy and couldn't control it them. So sometimes, especially after an intense session, I felt a sort of hazy, unfocussed, spacey feeling--much like a physical hang-over--for a while after. During that time, the emotions from earlier still stayed with me like a shadow and would influence how I perceived other stuff. If I could have recognized the emotions and connected them to the past, they probably would have dissipated, but I couldn't consciously do that. So they influenced me, but I wasn't aware they were influencing me.

I think sometimes we can over think what T us thinking/feeling.
Dissociation in session is normal for a lot of people.
Your session was over. A T cannot keep a client safe once they've gone so often keep contact to a minimum.
I suffer dissociation a great deal, but always know what I said.

you haven't stepped over the line. this is therapy. technically, where emotions are involved, there is no line.

I record my therapist sessions, and I'll never forget my 4th session, I think it was. We started talking about some more serious stuff, and I totally perceived my T as being really annoyed and kind of scary. I really didn't want to go back to therapy ever again. I felt kind of attacked. Then I went back and listened to it and she was totally normal, the same she always is. I think when we are stressed our perceptions change and it's hard to know what's true. I would just go with your gut.