[PaulaS]

I went to see a potential new T today, I´ve already seen her twice. Out of all those I´ve already been interviewing/having an evaluation session with this T was one of the very few I felt about as a possible new T. I would really need your perspectives on this, I know it´s a long post.

After todays session I felt she´s "good enough" - (the therapy expression) but I´m still hesitant and I feel very sad. For those of you who didn´t see my former posts, I got terminated by a T who I felt very deeply about (just as a T but anyway) and I felt very strongly about that therapy itself. It´s not a question of going back to that T. Long story which can be found in my former posts.

This new T who I saw today got into exactly what I myself was thinking about talking to her about before I actually entered the session. She asked me about me stating having relationship problems and she wanted me to explain more around this. As one of my main issues is about lacking relationships and partly also sexuality issues I was glad she brought the subject up. That´s because I feel a bit embarrassed to talk about it but it felt OK as I´ve just seen her in two evaluation sessions before. I think we´ve covered a lot of the issues I want to bring to therapy and she also seems open about discussing the former therapy and my former therapist.


But still, I´m not convinced and I just feel sad about the whole thing. I miss my former T and although she terminated me I still feel very deeply about her. I felt she was attuned to me and I think we shared some childhood experiences even if I got to know very little about them. To me such things are important even if I can´t search for new T:s out of asking about their childhood. The thing about childhood my former T mentioned was done so when I´d met her for some sessions.

It´s not that I have to spend more time before I see a new T, I already find it very distressing having to try to cope on my own. I´m sure I want to get into a new therapy but I think it´s an impossible task to find someone I can feel that close to as my former T.


In some aspects this new T seems more open, more available than my former T. For example talking about sexuality, my former T didn´t bring that up at all. We saw each other for only 12 sessions but still, this subject is generally a very common one when in therapy.


Today I reacted to the fact that this potential T doesn´t work in her own practice and I felt a bit like coming to a “therapy factory”. I liked the exclusiveness at my former T:s office, I felt more important to her as I never met any other clients and she never talked about other clients either. Of course I understand and know she had other clients but I still felt more valuable than meeting a T in an office where there are several other clients.


At the same time, because this potential T works like this, she also has the opportunity to offer me therapy at a largely reduced fee and that´s one of the most essential factors to me as I´m unemployed.


This potential T asked me today if I think I could trust her and be able to tell her things and I think I could, I´ve already shared some rather personal things. To me that´s not enough though even if I don´t believe in continuing my search for a new T either. I need that emotional bond and even if I realize this bond may develop when spending more sessions with this new T I feel despondent about the whole thing.


I need to get back to this potential T rather soon as she already had took on at least a couple of more clients just within two weeks. Because of that, I can´t spend several weeks thinking about it and I don´t think I would see any clearer about it anyway.

Another thing I´ve experienced is also a very strong feeling that therapy once a week isn´t enough, I don´t think even two times a week would be enough. Perhaps this alters when you worked with a T for some time but even if it feels good having someone to talk to I´ve never felt such bettering that I was able to deal with my problems in a more practical way. I´ve already seen a doctor and my former T told me she didn´t recommend antidepressants to me.


I´m not scared seeing this new T and I´m not scared getting into a new therapy but the feeling that I lack emotional connection is strong (the emotional connection was totally absent when seeing other T:s in evaluation). I don´t know what to do, I can´t tell this potential T all this as she would just say I seem too hesitant about starting therapy with her.


At the moment it feels I can choose from continue feeling bad when in a new therapy or continue feeling bad if not attending therapy.

[JaneTennison1]

I would say keep going.

If you don't go you feel bad with the risk of it not changing or getting better. If you do go the risk only is that you may start to feel better and if you don't then you only feel as bad as you would have done had you not gone at all. I hope that makes sense.

Basically I'm saying go, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You are doing so well. Stick with it. If you only saw your last T 12 times then you are already 25% of the way to feeling the same connection.

[LindaLu]

Paula, I've read some your previous posts and respect the hard work youre willing to put into therapy. Like you I'm with a "good enough" T and its not emotionally enriching but cognitively has been helpful. We might envy the good relationships others on PC describe with their Ts, but what you've got with this new one sounds hopeful. Would you like to tell her, "lets go 4 sessions (or whatever) and evaluate if we should go forward?" Wish Id done that myself! Sorry about the factory aspect of a nonprivate practice. Agreed that would be hard to adjust to. Good luck whatever you decide.

[WrkNPrgress]

Sometimes relationships need to devleop over time.

[Salmon77]

I don't think you can expect to have a strong emotional connection right away, especially since you seem rather hesitant to trust. If you give it time, I believe the emotional connection will grow. I suspect you are not correct that the new T would reject you for expressing your concerns.

Your sadness might relate to your grief over your previous T. The fact that you are getting a new T means that you are moving on and accepting that you will never get the old one back. Clearly that is a difficult thing for you. But you are doing the right thing.

At the moment it feels I can choose from continue feeling bad when in a new therapy or continue feeling bad if not attending therapy.

Then doesn't it make more sense to continue feeling bad while doing something that might help (the new therapy) than to continue doing nothing?

I hope things work out for you with this new T. There's no guarantee but it sounds promising to me.

[PaulaS]

I´ve already seen this T for 3 evaluation sessions so there can be no more. 3 sessions is kind of standard in my country. I think the emotional bond has a significant importance as the relation itself is healing (it´s a psychodynamic therapy) and that´s much why I´m so hesitant about this.

Originally Posted by LindaLu

Paula, I've read some your previous posts and respect the hard work youre willing to put into therapy. Like you I'm with a "good enough" T and its not emotionally enriching but cognitively has been helpful. We might envy the good relationships others on PC describe with their Ts, but what you've got with this new one sounds hopeful. Would you like to tell her, "lets go 4 sessions (or whatever) and evaluate if we should go forward?" Wish Id done that myself! Sorry about the factory aspect of a nonprivate practice. Agreed that would be hard to adjust to. Good luck whatever you decide.

[PaulaS]

You're right one can´t expect to have a strong emotional connection right away. I think in my situation now it´s much about intuition and how I apprehend this T to be.

As I haven´t chosen this T, I´ve only told her I´ll think about if I want to proceed into therapy I do think she might think it´s not a good start if I present several things I´m sceptical about or don´t like.

It´s very true the thing about feelings around never getting the former T back. I seem to never stop crying over this.

I assume it´s better doing something than nothing, that is go into therapy instead of just sitting at home doing nothing. But as I have to pay for therapy myself, the wrong choice has severe consequences as you don´t get your money back if not satisfied.

The thing with this is also that there´s no question at all I could ask this potential T that would give me an answer as there is no answer. I mean, she could never, out of obvious reasons, tell me if the emotional bond will grow or not, if it will be strong enough or not.

Originally Posted by Salmon77

I don't think you can expect to have a strong emotional connection right away, especially since you seem rather hesitant to trust. If you give it time, I believe the emotional connection will grow. I suspect you are not correct that the new T would reject you for expressing your concerns.

Your sadness might relate to your grief over your previous T. The fact that you are getting a new T means that you are moving on and accepting that you will never get the old one back. Clearly that is a difficult thing for you. But you are doing the right thing.

Then doesn't it make more sense to continue feeling bad while doing something that might help (the new therapy) than to continue doing nothing?

I hope things work out for you with this new T. There's no guarantee but it sounds promising to me.

"As I haven´t chosen this T, I´ve only told her I´ll think about if I want to proceed into therapy I do think she might think it´s not a good start if I present several things I´m sceptical about or don´t like.

Well, if you do present the several things you're skeptical about and she doesn't like what you say or she says that working together isn't going to work, then you'll have your answer . . . she's not the right one for you. I think talking and negotiating the process is a good thing to do. A lot of therapists would be interested and excited to work with a client who demonstrates the assertiveness to do this.

The other thing is that it's fine to contract for three or four or five or hundred more sessions. And it's also fine to simply say you're open to going and then changing your mind later. Once you commit to doing therapy with her it doesn't mean you have to stay until she says you're done! You're the one who is in control of how long you're going to stay and work with her. It's great when clients and therapists both decide when the work is done, but in reality, you get to make that decision. So you really have nothing to lose if you just call her up and make another appointment, and at the end of that session, you make another one . . . or not. You are in control of the entire process!

"I assume it´s better doing something than nothing, that is go into therapy instead of just sitting at home doing nothing. But as I have to pay for therapy myself, the wrong choice has severe consequences as you don´t get your money back if not satisfied. "

I think a lot of people have to pay for therapy themselves, PaulaS. I know I do. Like you, that makes it very important for me to find the right person to work with. It's why I have no problem walking away if I feel that things aren't right or a good fit. No, we don't get our money back if not satisfied, but that isn't the case with any personal service we pay for. If we're not happy with a course we take in college, we don't get to ask for our money back. If the massage therapist I go to doesn't get me relief for the ache in my lower back, I don't get to ask for my money back. If I'm not happy with my doctor, I can't ask for my money back. If the dentist I go to doesn't solve the problem I'm having with my teeth, I don't get to ask for my money back. I find a new dentist or a new doctor or transfer to a new college or find a new massage therapist. These aren't easy things to do, especially when you're in pain or hurting emotionally, but that's the way things work works.

[PaulaS]

I understand your point but as I have very bad experiences from my former therapy when it comes to having opinions. I think most T:s rather look for a non sceptical client than one who is. Perhaps this varies from person to person and depending on their theoretical orientation.

I´ve just now asked this actual T if I may ask her some more questions when thinking about how to do, and whom to choose. The first time, in the e-mail I sent, I didn´t use a question mark and when she answered back she didn´t answer or comment on if I can or can´t ask her more questions.

Now, because of that I sent her another e-mail, now with question marks and I´m now waiting for her to answer me. I now also asked her if she wanted me to call her or e-mail her, also using a question mark at the end.

This is like a test now, being allowed to ask a few questions more even if I had my evaluation sessions already, is an obvious thing to be allowed to do as I see it. If she denies this, I don´t think I´ll consider working with her.

I agree to that you can schedule a session and tell the T you´re going to work with her and then despite that choose to leave. But it wouldn´t feel ok doing so, it´s another thing starting therapy and then after some months or so decide to leave because it didn´t work out.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

"As I haven´t chosen this T, I´ve only told her I´ll think about if I want to proceed into therapy I do think she might think it´s not a good start if I present several things I´m sceptical about or don´t like.

Well, if you do present the several things you're skeptical about and she doesn't like what you say or she says that working together isn't going to work, then you'll have your answer . . . she's not the right one for you. I think talking and negotiating the process is a good thing to do. A lot of therapists would be interested and excited to work with a client who demonstrates the assertiveness to do this.

The other thing is that it's fine to contract for three or four or five or hundred more sessions. And it's also fine to simply say you're open to going and then changing your mind later. Once you commit to doing therapy with her it doesn't mean you have to stay until she says you're done! You're the one who is in control of how long you're going to stay and work with her. It's great when clients and therapists both decide when the work is done, but in reality, you get to make that decision. So you really have nothing to lose if you just call her up and make another appointment, and at the end of that session, you make another one . . . or not. You are in control of the entire process!

"I assume it´s better doing something than nothing, that is go into therapy instead of just sitting at home doing nothing. But as I have to pay for therapy myself, the wrong choice has severe consequences as you don´t get your money back if not satisfied. "

I think a lot of people have to pay for therapy themselves, PaulaS. I know I do. Like you, that makes it very important for me to find the right person to work with. It's why I have no problem walking away if I feel that things aren't right or a good fit. No, we don't get our money back if not satisfied, but that isn't the case with any personal service we pay for. If we're not happy with a course we take in college, we don't get to ask for our money back. If the massage therapist I go to doesn't get me relief for the ache in my lower back, I don't get to ask for my money back. If I'm not happy with my doctor, I can't ask for my money back. If the dentist I go to doesn't solve the problem I'm having with my teeth, I don't get to ask for my money back. I find a new dentist or a new doctor or transfer to a new college or find a new massage therapist. These aren't easy things to do, especially when you're in pain or hurting emotionally, but that's the way things work works.

[Lauliza]

All relationships are a risk whether they are professional or personal. Since this is the only at you've found so far that is good enough I think it's worth taking the risk to continue with her. This is comparable other relationships - if you find fault with people so you can avoid the risk of getting hurt, you'll miss our on the good relationships too. Nothing in your life will change. And I think the relationship is bound to grow over time, whether it grow in the way you want it to is something you'll discover in the future. The office atmosphere is a downside for you but life requires the ability to be flexible. I go to an office like that and it's fine. This sounds very promising to me so I would focus on that and just try her for a while.

Originally Posted by PaulaS

You're right one can´t expect to have a strong emotional connection right away. I think in my situation now it´s much about intuition and how I apprehend this T to be.

As I haven´t chosen this T, I´ve only told her I´ll think about if I want to proceed into therapy I do think she might think it´s not a good start if I present several things I´m sceptical about or don´t like.

It´s very true the thing about feelings around never getting the former T back. I seem to never stop crying over this.

I assume it´s better doing something than nothing, that is go into therapy instead of just sitting at home doing nothing. But as I have to pay for therapy myself, the wrong choice has severe consequences as you don´t get your money back if not satisfied.

The thing with this is also that there´s no question at all I could ask this potential T that would give me an answer as there is no answer. I mean, she could never, out of obvious reasons, tell me if the emotional bond will grow or not, if it will be strong enough or not.

You said you don't think its a good start to present things you are skeptical about or don't like. Perhaps you are thinking she might react to you like your last T did? Did you discuss this with her? I think it is important to be honest and feel able to say things you don't like, perhaps that is therapy itself? I don't have much experience of therapy - only my own therapist but I say really regularly that I don't like things my T says, and that I don't like the way we are working together, as that is how I'm feeling. I think these discussions are the heart of my therapy. I would imagine that most Ts are like my T and value these discussions. The discussions are really about our relationship and I am gaining huge amount from them, I certainly understand myself more.

[PaulaS]

Yes, I agree to much of the things you say. I was really open to this and I realise there will never be a relation without any faults. What mostly makes me hesitant is the lack of emotional connection and now, when I e-mailed her about whether I can or can´t ask her a few more questions before deciding, this too will determine how I decide to do.

I´m very wary to people who´s dishonest and who want people to perceive them in one way but actually stands for something different. I now talk about the feeling I have that this T will deny me asking a few more questions or she´ll answer me in a irritated way.

If she does, she doesn´t get the actions behind such a question and I´ll know she just acted out on being tested and by that also provoked. That´s what I mean by T:s wanting to seem unbiased when they actually are only when it suits them.

Originally Posted by Lauliza

All relationships are a risk whether they are professional or personal. Since this is the only at you've found so far that is good enough I think it's worth taking the risk to continue with her. This is comparable other relationships - if you find fault with people so you can avoid the risk of getting hurt, you'll miss our on the good relationships too. Nothing in your life will change. And I think the relationship is bound to grow over time, whether it grow in the way you want it to is something you'll discover in the future. The office atmosphere is a downside for you but life requires the ability to be flexible. I go to an office like that and it's fine. This sounds very promising to me so I would focus on that and just try her for a while.

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I´ve just now asked this actual T if I may ask her some more questions when thinking about how to do, and whom to choose. The first time, in the e-mail I sent, I didn´t use a question mark and when she answered back she didn´t answer or comment on if I can or can´t ask her more questions.

Now, because of that I sent her another e-mail, now with question marks and I´m now waiting for her to answer me. I now also asked her if she wanted me to call her or e-mail her, also using a question mark at the end.

This is like a test now, being allowed to ask a few questions more even if I had my evaluation sessions already, is an obvious thing to be allowed to do as I see it. If she denies this, I don´t think I´ll consider working with her.

Testing people is frought with complications. People have a tendency to fail tests when the tests are pop quizzes and they don't know that the test is even happening. That's not really a test; that's a trap. Why not actually go to session and ask your questions directly? Why the "test" via email? Why not open, straight-forward, direct, conversation with direct questions?

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

Perhaps this varies from person to person and depending on their theoretical orientation.

I´ve just now asked this actual T if I may ask her some more questions when thinking about how to do, and whom to choose. The first time, in the e-mail I sent, I didn´t use a question mark and when she answered back she didn´t answer or comment on if I can or can´t ask her more questions.

Now, because of that I sent her another e-mail, now with question marks and I´m now waiting for her to answer me. I now also asked her if she wanted me to call her or e-mail her, also using a question mark at the end.

This is like a test now, being allowed to ask a few questions more even if I had my evaluation sessions already, is an obvious thing to be allowed to do as I see it. If she denies this, I don´t think I´ll consider working with her.

Maybe it's because the Ts I've seen tend to lean toward CBT which is more collaborative, but I have never ever encountered a T who got upset if I asked them questions. I've been invited to ask questions and critique the therapy process. Otherwise they won't know that it's working. I think she didn't tell you directly in the email that you could ask more questions because she didn't think she needed to. You are an adult, so there is no reason not to ask he as many questions as you want- that is not something you need permission for.

I don't know if it's much different in Europe, but in the states there is usually one consultation appointment in the technical sense, but the evaluation process on the client's end can go far beyond that. As a consumer you have the right to terminate services at any time. Since you have such major trust issues your evaluation of her may go on for a long time and might actually be part of your therapy. I think she'd be open to exploring whatever you want to know and helping you develop your interpersonal skills.

I'm not sure if I'm remembering correctly, but didn't you feel that your former therapist got irritated by your challenges and questions and you feel that was what lead to the termination? It makes sense to me that this has lead to you being hesitant to even begin therapy for fear of again being terminated. BUT if you don't talk about this fear with the therapist and demonstrate the behavior with this new therapist, you're not going to get an upfront, honest response because she's not going to be aware or cognizant of what you're asking. As another poster mentioned, tests are filled with flaws and almost guarantee that the person you're testing is going to fail. Why not make another appointment and tell her outright that part of your strong defenses in relationships is to question, question, question, followed up with lots of challenges? See how she responds. Does she ask for examples? If not, tell her you'd like to give her an example of what you're talking about. Does she consider what you're saying and respond with thoughtfulness and straightforwardness? Don't be coy and put it in an email! Be transparent and open to saying what you want. You can do this. It's an important skill to learn in relationships and you have already said you struggle with relationships and want to change things for yourself. Maybe begin here with this potential relationship!

I think if I had asked my T questions in an email when we were starting out she would have replied that it is hard to discuss these things by email, and she would have suggested I meet with her again, my T is really not a fan of discussions on email, she feels we need to talk to understand, I think it is also seeing body language to understand what my questions mean to me.

I think finding a good therapist is a crap shoot, honestly. There's no way to know until you're in it (unless it's obvious up front that it's not going to work out). And that can be several weeks or months down the road, even then it's always got a shadow of the old termination cast over it. The thing to look for, in my opinion, is someone who is okay with that shadow and is still willing to hang in there.

I pay out of pocket, too. So yes. It can be money down the drain if it doesn't work out. But I don't see another option for myself, so I take the financial and emotional risk. It's one of those things you just sort of have to accept because it can't be changed. There are no guarantees. If it involves people, it's going to be messy and uncertain.

[PaulaS]

Yes, I´m a bit afraid she´ll act like my former T but I´ve now told her how I feel and I´m waiting for her response. I asked her if she wanted me to call her or e-mail her (as we now don´t have any more scheduled sessions as the evaluation period is over and I have to choose if I want to continue into real therapy) and she said she preferred e-mail.

I think I should be able to be honest with her but you´ll never know. It´s easier to speak about being open-minded, as this T did, and actually be open-minded in a situation like this.

Besides that, I don´t want everything to turn into an analysis as some things just have to be solved by the T says he/she´s sorry and to that an explanation. Everything in therapy doesn´t come out of the client having a certain diagnosis.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

You said you don't think its a good start to present things you are skeptical about or don't like. Perhaps you are thinking she might react to you like your last T did? Did you discuss this with her? I think it is important to be honest and feel able to say things you don't like, perhaps that is therapy itself? I don't have much experience of therapy - only my own therapist but I say really regularly that I don't like things my T says, and that I don't like the way we are working together, as that is how I'm feeling. I think these discussions are the heart of my therapy. I would imagine that most Ts are like my T and value these discussions. The discussions are really about our relationship and I am gaining huge amount from them, I certainly understand myself more.

[PaulaS]

The thing is that I have no more sessions scheduled with this T. I´ve had the evalution sessions and now I have to decide if I want to proceed into real therapy. So this more or less spontaniously became a kind of test, if she can manage to deal with my opinions or if she gets defensive.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Testing people is frought with complications. People have a tendency to fail tests when the tests are pop quizzes and they don't know that the test is even happening. That's not really a test; that's a trap. Why not actually go to session and ask your questions directly? Why the "test" via email? Why not open, straight-forward, direct, conversation with direct questions?

[PaulaS]

Yes, you´re correct, my former T acted in a defensive way when I brought her complaints about some parts of the therapy. Those issues were though far more complicated than this matter with this new potential T.

I agree to that I have to be honest and tell this potential T what I feel but even if I now have done that it perhaps doesn´t solve the issue. I mean, she'll answer my e-mail but there´s a great risk she´ll answer in a way that just makes me more hesitant. As we have no more sessions scheduled until I decide I choose her therapy the only way to tell her this was by e-mail as she said she preferred e-mails before calls.

I told her how her actions made me feel and I questioned her about finding me interesting as a potential client or not. I said I think she overlooked showing a caring side to this matter. As this is communication with a T I don't fully trust their reactions. Perhaps she just thinks I´m demanding but she doesn´t express that and keep working.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

I'm not sure if I'm remembering correctly, but didn't you feel that your former therapist got irritated by your challenges and questions and you feel that was what lead to the termination? It makes sense to me that this has lead to you being hesitant to even begin therapy for fear of again being terminated. BUT if you don't talk about this fear with the therapist and demonstrate the behavior with this new therapist, you're not going to get an upfront, honest response because she's not going to be aware or cognizant of what you're asking. As another poster mentioned, tests are filled with flaws and almost guarantee that the person you're testing is going to fail. Why not make another appointment and tell her outright that part of your strong defenses in relationships is to question, question, question, followed up with lots of challenges? See how she responds. Does she ask for examples? If not, tell her you'd like to give her an example of what you're talking about. Does she consider what you're saying and respond with thoughtfulness and straightforwardness? Don't be coy and put it in an email! Be transparent and open to saying what you want. You can do this. It's an important skill to learn in relationships and you have already said you struggle with relationships and want to change things for yourself. Maybe begin here with this potential relationship!

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

Yes, you´re correct, my former T acted in a defensive way when I brought her complaints about some parts of the therapy. Those issues were though far more complicated than this matter with this new potential T.

I agree to that I have to be honest and tell this potential T what I feel but even if I now have done that it perhaps doesn´t solve the issue. I mean, she'll answer my e-mail but there´s a great risk she´ll answer in a way that just makes me more hesitant. As we have no more sessions scheduled until I decide I choose her therapy the only way to tell her this was by e-mail as she said she preferred e-mails before calls.

I told her how her actions made me feel and I questioned her about finding me interesting as a potential client or not. I said I think she overlooked showing a caring side to this matter. As this is communication with a T I don't fully trust their reactions. Perhaps she just thinks I´m demanding but she doesn´t express that and keep working.

Keep in mind that this your interpretation of this woman's emails, not the actual meaning behind them. I think it's pretty widely understood that emotion is not expressed very accurately in email and that conversations that involve them should take place in person.

Also, you are not her client yet and she's not going to invest too much emotion into your exchanges until you become one. She honestly probably doesn't have the time to convince you to choose her as your therapist. It's up to you, either you want to see her or you don't. This is not personal, it is a professional exchange. Once you hire her she will hopefully deliver and give it her all, but you have to make a decision knowing that therapy is all about taking risks. There is no guarentee to how you will get along with anyone even if everything is perfect at first. Just make an appointment to see her, ask questions and see what happens. You don't have any emotional connection yet and that is appropriate at this stage of the process. This is a good way for you to challenge yourself.

[Yellowbuggy]

Why don't you just book a session to discuss your questions?

If you're worried about losing money, you're not being fair to the T. She has already reduced your fee, so SHE is the one losing money here.

She is under no obligation to answer your emails at this point. Book a session with her and talk.

T's care about their patients once they are patients; not before. Would you care about someone before you had a relationship with them?

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I think you need to see the bigger picture here.

Would you care about someone before you had a relationship with them?

I've experienced caring from total strangers, even comfort. In a classroom. In a bar. At an office. An airport. Could go on...

If I was religious, i'd say some seemed like angels, there, though ostensibly coincidental, to help me get through something.

[Yellowbuggy]

I've experienced caring from total strangers, even comfort. In a classroom. In a bar. At an office. An airport. Could go on...

I understand what you mean. The point I'm trying to make to PaulaS is that her expectations of a T are far in excess of what can be reasonably provided. She wants to know that this T cares about her already on a human level, but the T doesn't even really know her yet.

I understand that this is part of the problem PaulaS may need to deal with in therapy. This same dynamic may be going on in other areas of her life, and addressing it in a therapeutic setting may help shed light on the impact it has in other settings as well.

PaulaS: I know I'm being blunt, but by sharing my observations with you I am hoping it will help you see how your behaviour may be being interpreted by others. Of all people, a T should be able to handle your behaviours as that is what they are trained to do. However, they can't help you if you don't show up.

You have to work just as hard as the T does, and that may mean being open to listening to the feedback of others - including your T.

I strongly suggest you do not engage in any email / text communication with your T. I can see it being a landmine for you.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by mian síoraí

I've experienced caring from total strangers, even comfort. In a classroom. In a bar. At an office. An airport. Could go on...

If I was religious, i'd say some seemed like angels, there, though ostensibly coincidental, to help me get through something.

Caring about the well being of other people is not the same as what the OP is writing about here. PaulaS' expectations are disproportionately high for the situation. Analyzing and trying to read into simple emails like this would make anyone crazy. The only way to get through it is to see the T in person and see how it goes.

PaulaS- I 100% agree that email and texting in therapy would probably be too hard for you and should be avoided if possible.