[sunrise]

Quoting myself from another thread:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have my session tomorrow and once again I have this huge amount of stuff to cover, and I just feel it's hopeless. I guess we'll go over the legal stuff. Sigh. Forget the really disturbing SI fantasy. Forget my feelings. Forget my fear. That stuff has to take back seat. Just stuff it all inside of me again. Where does it go? Who knows. I hate this. It was so satisfying to have my lawyer willing to spend the time with me to get through what I needed to get through.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Session with T was today, bright and early, and surprise there was even someone before me (starting at 7 am!).

I feel so much better. Very good session today. Of course, I was unable to get through everything but I feel like I touched on a lot of issues and at least got them out on the table. I was able to tell him about my confusion in past sessions, how he seemed to be saying one thing and then the next minute the opposite. And I felt we had not been on the same wavelength and that at times, like when I told him I was planning to do X, I felt he had been appalled. He looked at me a second, then said, "I was appalled." But he explained it was not because he was critical of me for choosing a different path from what he thought was optimal (the "like father, like son" mantra I was feeling that I was not fulfilling when my plans deviated from what he thought was best). He said it was because he was worried about the fallout of my actions and that they could backfire. He in no way thought less of me or was disappointed in me, etc. That was good to hear. And since my lawyer cleared up a lot of stuff for me in our meeting, I have since changed my plan anyway. I also liked that T admitted to me that he had been appalled. It made me feel that I was not imagining or misinterpreting his reaction, that I could trust my perceptions of what is happening in therapy between us.

We spent a lot of time on the legal stuff and what that means for our own approach in therapy. He is very sensitive to all the dynamics. Yes, it was very nuts and bolts, which I tend to hate, but it was so useful. Each time, I feel more able to talk about this stuff with him productively, and that ability is hard won. We're talking about various scenarios now of individual and couples therapy and who would provide each and what would be the goals of each and how to intertwine them to help me progress toward my main goal. It's complicated! After he presented one possible scenario to me, which I guess he thought sounded very appealing, but scared me s**tless, I looked at him and said. "That sounds really... scary to me." And he looked surprised for a second, and then smiled and said "you're so cute." What? He explained he thought I was going to say "That sounds really great" but I said practically the opposite. And then I totally cracked up and he did too, and we laughed and laughed. It was a great moment. It is good to laugh with your T.

A big accomplishment for me was also telling him how I was trying so hard to hold everything together, and I had a mountain of hurt inside that I was trying to control so I could get through this crisis. He said he knew. And that made me want to hug him. He sees the hurt in me, knows it needs to come out, and he said he will help me heal. My voice cracked a couple of times as I talked with him about this, and I was glad I was able to let him hear that. He said he'd like me to hold it together a while longer until we get some indication how things are going to play out with my husband. Then T and I can either do the healing together in therapy and then proceed toward the goal. Or proceed and do the healing simultaneously or after. But we need to know first, so hang on a while longer, sunny! It felt so good to share with him that I have this "mountain of hurt," which he knew about but we'd never talked about openly. I did not tell him my "sharing the hurt" metaphor/fantasy of cutting. What I shared seemed enough to me today; maybe later I'll tell more. I also told him I don't know how to get rid of that mountain of hurt inside of me, and he said he will help me with that when the time comes, and that we will deal with it through EMDR---comparatively fast, and very effective.

I'm feeling great!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
And he looked surprised for a second, and then smiled and said "you're so cute."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">



I would have died. I would have absolutely, positively, died.

I'm about to leave work, and I will write more later tonight.

So glad your session went well!!

[withit]

Sunrise, I'm glad it went well for you! Hey, did you forget to ask for a second session.....?
I can so relate to him validating your perception, when he said that indeed he had been appalled. I imagine his validating your perception goes a long way toward building trust.
Keep at it!
Take care,

[MissCharlotte]

good for you! it sounds like a wonderful session

[sidony]

awesome!!! Glad it was such a good session.

Sidony

sunny,

What a wonderfully warm T. I'm so glad your session was as good as you wish it could be!

I'm glad you talked to him about the mountain. I would feel sooo good and reassured that he knew and was not ignoring it at all but timing it so it won't overwhelm you. It sounds like you have so much to look forward to!



ECHOES

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:

After he presented one possible scenario to me, which I guess he thought sounded very appealing, but scared me s**tless, I looked at him and said. "That sounds really... scary to me." And he looked surprised for a second, and then smiled and said "you're so cute."

I'm feeling great!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I would've absolutely died...giggle. I'm so happy he said that to you. That must feel great and I'm glad it went well. The time does go so fast...

[sunrise]

Thanks for the comments, everyone. I'm still feeling great. Wouldn't it be great if the post session high could last a whole week?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Hey, did you forget to ask for a second session.....?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
withit, I didn't ask for it. I am not sure if I actually forgot or not, but our session was so jam packed and I didn't get to everything. I also felt again that T is so busy, starting at 7 am and then he had offsite meetings later in the day and then had a planned phone conference during a car ride. It is insane! Also, I was feeling pretty good in the session, like we were communicating efficiently and getting a lot out there that I needed to process. I'm not sure a second session would have been as helpful this week as others. How's that for rationalization and excuses? Also, in the past I've felt like I wanted to move faster in therapy than I already am (which is fast), but things seem to be really moving quickly now, really concrete things, and it is kind of scary that the dam has broken. Whoooosh. So maybe I need to stick to the slower pace of once per week. Can't believe I am writing this after wanted twice a week just so recently. But this week, what with the lawyer meeting, and today's therapy session, things seem to be racing.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm glad you talked to him about the mountain.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Me too, ECHOES. I'm glad it is now on our official "to do" list. His confidence that he can help me release this was inspiring. Maybe I can do this with him.

The "cute" comment is still warming me. And our laughter together. A fun moment.

[lauren_helene]

I'm still loving the "cute" comment too. I rarely if ever hear comments from my husband or anyone else about being attractive etc.

I get the 'oh of course you're beautiful' comment but only when I say something first.

I doubt my T would ever go there with me. I wish he would though...

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
I'm still loving the "cute" comment too. I rarely if ever hear comments from my husband or anyone else about being attractive etc.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
almedafan, I think I didn't explain this well. My T's comment to me about being cute was not about my physical appearance! It was about my behavior. He found it cute I said "that sounds scary to me" when he expected me to say "that sounds great to me." It was my cute reaction he was commenting on! Sorry for the confusion. It would be very weird indeed if in the middle of a session my T interrupted and started commenting on my appearance. Nope, he doesn't do that!

[lauren_helene]

Oh wow, I guessed I missed the target on that one!