[jbug]

I was talking on the phone with my T last week and he said he couldn't help me with a particular problem of mine because he just doesn't know how. He said he could help me get to the root of the problem but as for overcoming it he would refer me to a group. I have a problem with compulsive overeating. He said that I need to have confidence in myself that I can not do it and until then he can't help me. I was kind of shocked that he said that because I guess I figured he walked on water and could help me with anything I needed help on. I see him this afternoon for therapy and he's supposed to give me some contact number of some groups I can get into so when the urge comes I can have someone to help me through it.

I have been thinking about his comments all weekend and I realized that I don't have any confidence I can not do any behavior that pops into my little brain. How do you get the confidence? I want to do good in therapy so he can be proud of me..he says he is because I've come so far and my pdoc this morning said the same thing but every time they say that I want to say if you knew what went on in my head every day you wouldn't say that.

Jbug

HI Jbug, When I first met with my T, I had been sober just over a yr. She did say I needed to have support for my alcoholism .

Since then, 3yrs on, I have grown enought in therapy to not need support for my alcoholism. So I guess your T is just being honest. While the root cause is being dealt with, you may need outside help for the symptons of your ED..

I was also saddened that you wanted to do good in therapy so your therapist would be proud off you. While thats normal I hope you doing it for you also because ((you)) deserve it!!!

[sunrise]

jannie, will you continue to see your T for therapy for other issues and work on the overeating in group? Or does he not want to see you for anything? The latter seems kind of harsh to me. I think any person is more than an overeating compulsion. For example, you could work on building up your overall confidence and self esteem in therapy. Wouldn't most T's know how to work on that issue with a client? I think it is good he did want to work on the root of the problem with you, though. Sounds like you'll continue to see him?

I hope you will give the group a try. I joined Weight Watchers a couple of months ago, and I do find it mildly helpful to meet with a group of people working toward a common goal. I can't say I've lost a lot of weight, but the program keeps the issue in my mind, which is helpful to me. I have so many problems I'm trying to deal with that the weight seems a lower priority, but at least by going semi-regularly to the group, I feel like I have one toe in the water. It sounds like you may have greater motivation than I, so a group could be even more helpful.

Like mouse, I was saddened to read you want to do good in therapy to please your T. That sounds so limited! Therapy is for you, not him. I hope your therapeutic experience will also lead to greater happiness, healing, and achieving your goals.

Good luck!

I agree with Mouse and Sunny-- make sure you are working hard in therapy for yourself. It is very common to want to please your T as well. I think your T cares a lot about you to refer you to a place where you can get some direct help for your ED. Hopefully during this time, you will be able to continue to meet with your individual T to discuss the general confidence issues that you've been recognizing. I think it's great that he wants to help you get to the root of the problem-- and completely okay that he referred to elsewhere to get help with the behavior.

[SecretGarden]

Hey... compulsive eater here myself. I would be curious what groups he comes up for you.

I work hard for me in therapy but I too wish to make my therapist proud. There.... I said it.

I am rather new... and hope to post some on the Eating Disorder thread... Maybe we can compare notes.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey jannie,

Maybe he is helping you by suggesting the support group. I am also a Weight Watchers fan. I use the on-line version but it's not as good as a meeting with others who can't control what they eat. It's soooooooo hard, isn't it? Keep on trying and keep on going to therapy

[SecretGarden]

Hey Sister... I think that Weight Watchers is a wonderful program that is quite supportive and helps many people. I have been there and may be back... I do go to the gym.

However WW does not talk about the emotional connection, the emotional use of food...except, to my experience, on a very superficial basis.

I need more. So I say go with WW but you may need more....if I am right...in the emotional department. ?

[Crystal88]

Ive had counselors say they can't help me before. for the longest time I didn't understand what they meant because here I was coming to them and paying them to help me and they say they can't help me. Finally I got mad and told this one lady then what good are you? she laughed and told me that counselors can't help the people that don' try or want to be helped. that they cant fix me only I can fix me by doing things like talking to them and trying their suggestions my not talking and my not trying their suggestions means they can't help me because they don't what I have tried and what has worked and what didn't of what they want me to do.

> I was talking on the phone with my T last week and he said he couldn't help me with a particular problem of mine because he just doesn't know how.

Hmm. I do find that to be a strange thing for him to have said.

> He said he could help me get to the root of the problem

And he thinks that is completely unrelated to your overcoming it?

> but as for overcoming it he would refer me to a group.

Ok. Well, I guess if he doesn't believe he can help you on this then it is very unlikely that he can. Self fulfilling prophecy if nothing else.

> He said that I need to have confidence in myself that I can not do it and until then he can't help me.

That sounds backwards to me. Sounds to me like your therapist should be working on how to help you have the confidence in yourself that you cannot do it.

> I see him this afternoon for therapy and he's supposed to give me some contact number of some groups I can get into so when the urge comes I can have someone to help me through it.

Ah. I guess he is taking the overeating as addiction model fairly seriously. And the addiction model from AA / NA style theory.

I guess... It might be about weighing pros and cons a little. If it were possible for me to work with another therapist I'd be looking at finding one about now. If the relationship means a great deal to you and he is very helpful in other respects and / or there wasn't an option to work with someone else I guess there isn't a lot else to be done but to plug on, however.

Or...

Try to find an article / book on how a therapist with your therapists theoretical orientation CAN help someone with your particular problem.

> Ive had counselors say they can't help me before.

That is when you try and find someone else who believes they can help you IMHO.

> counselors can't help the people that don' try or want to be helped.

If you didn't want to be helped then you wouldn't turn up for therapy. That kind of statement is what Linehan refers to as 'blaming the victim'. Instead of the therapist being honest both with themself and you and saying something along the lines of 'I'm sorry but I don't know how to help you but I'll try and help you find someone who does' they blame the client for their difficulties. We know you have difficulties already (that is why you are in therapy). With respect to the therapist, on the other hand, they jolly well should know better. On the upside it is good to know that a therapist has a tendency to blame the victim fairly early on so that one can find someone more competent.

> only I can fix me by doing things like talking to them and trying their suggestions my not talking and my not trying their suggestions means they can't help me because they don't what I have tried and what has worked and what didn't of what they want me to do.

If the problem is that you don't do the homework suggestions and that you don't talk to them then those then become the 'therapy interfearing' targets for therapy. It is then the therapists job to help you figure out (and overcome) what it is that is holding you back from doing the homework and talking to the therapist.

If they don't know that... Then honestly you are better off finding someone else at any rate.

[jbug]

We had a good session yesterday. He was able to clarify some of the things he said on the phone. He said that he thought Overeaters Anon would be the best place for me to work on unlearning my coping skills that surround my eating disorder. I found one that meets on Monday nights @ 6:30 not to far from my house so I'm gonna check that out next week. I am very nervous about it because I didn't do well in the group I was in for AA. It was a lot of people that were sober for a long time and I hadn't been so I didn't get a lot out of it. I am proud to say that i've been sober for 2 years now though. If I felt like it I could go back to AA but feel that I'm doing well on my own in that aspect of my life I don't need AA. I do feel that I need OA though so am going to check it out.

I see Steve tomorrow and am hoping tomorrow goes as productive as yesterday did.

Jbug

[(JD)]

((((buggie))) That's great that he clarified that for you... I know how it must feel to feel dissed by your T!!! That you have experience with AA, I think, will accent your use of OA and it's outcome. Congrats on the 2 years sober! You can do this! (((hugs)))

[lauren_helene]

I'm glad you were able to clear this up with him!! Congrats on two years sober. That is an awesome accomplishment.

hey. i'm glad he clarified what he meant in a way that left you feeling better :-)

quite often people do get a kind of support from talking with others in the same position that they can't get from therapy.

i'm pleased that you had a good session

My therapist "flunked me" saying I wasn't making progress so it was useless for me to see her. She recommended a marr. counselor as she thought that's what I needed most. Met the marr. counselor & I'm just not ready to be in a room with my husband being totally honest. What kind of criticism would he say? Note: I ODed last summer due to a negative comment to me about my weight gain since being on meds. Don't think I'm ready to hear any thing more as far as criticism.--Suzy

[sunrise]

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Suzy5654 said:
Met the marr. counselor & I'm just not ready to be in a room with my husband being totally honest. What kind of criticism would he say?

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Suzy, maybe you and your husband (or just you) can see the marriage counselor individually first. My T does couples counseling and I have been seeing him for individual therapy for 6 months now. He's fine with it. Many people need to work on their marriage in individual therapy first before doing couples (or they may never even get to couples therapy). My T would like to do some couples therapy, maybe 1-3 sessions, with me and my husband. I've been terrified of this from the moment I started therapy with him, but I see now it may have some value, and I am working on that suggestion. T is helping me deal with my worries/fears so that it will achieve my goals. There are certain things he can do in couples therapy that I either say "yes" to or "no" to. He doesn't have to use certain approaches that I know are not ones I want to experience. He is very sensitive to my needs. I'm not sure he would have been this way if I had just jumped into couples therapy without doing individual therapy with him first. Anyway, sorry to sidetrack this thread, but Suzy, maybe consider doing individual therapy with your marriage counselor first.

Another idea--If you tell your marriage counselor your fears about couples therapy, she may be able to help you two learn to communicate appropriately in your first session, so that no criticisms occur. My T says his first session with a new couple is always about communication and he teaches the couple how to do it. He says it only takes one session, then they can start working on the problems.