Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

I know you smoke and it bothers me

[Self harm.]

Dear T,

I'm glad I emailed you what I wish I could have said during last session. You're going to have to bring it back up though in person, I know for a fact that it won't be me bringing it up. I am nervous though.

It's annoying the crap out of me that I feel about you as I would if you were a 'real' person in my life and therefore I'm upset, but I know you're my T and I know this is a fairly typical therapeutic technique. The whole idea is to get me to feeeeeeeel. It's working. I hate that it's working, even though I want it to work... If you were a 'real' person in my life I would never have let you close enough to do it either. I don't know. Is it worth letting anybody close? It's so lonely... But... Is it worth it? I don't know. The connection never lasts. It feels so good, like a drug. Again I ask: is it worth it?

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I relate to every word of this

Rgggggggghhghhh.... very frustrated now. Do I just reschedule, I have to go to work soon....... I don't have all day.

Dear T, When you talked today about my husband and I going away together to reconnect, all I could really think about is how much I wish I could go away with you instead.

Dear T: Yes, I truly believe that you do!

Dear t,
you have no idea how hard going in tomorrow will be, on so many levels. I hope I can tell you.

T,
I got called into work. I hope you have a later time this week that works for me.... but I might just be okay. Which is good.

Dear T,

I was hoping you knew I called the crisis line, and would call me to check on me. But, I guess no one told you.

dear t,

OMG. i can't wait to see you next friday. it's a 3 month catchup. i don't even know where to start; the last 3 months have been the hardest ones of my entire life.

please don't bail on me though.

dear T

happy birthday! even tho i already told you and gave you ur bday card. wanted to say it again!

me

I am dreading our conversation in two days...what is going to come of it?

Dear T,

I feel anxious when I think about our upcoming session. I just feel so much shame that I'm back in therapy. I'm afraid you have enough of me. That you don't like me. That you rather don't be my T.
Also, I'm sort of jealous on you. Not a bad kind of jealousy, I wish you nothing bad. But I just wish I was more like you.

Ick.

Ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick Ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick ick

why do you want to talk about that stuff?

I'm scared of what you have to say tomorrow. It means keeping you as a t or not. I'm scared I'll be to much for you. That the center won't have the resources for me. Sorry, but I'm scared.

Dear Pdoc,

I will be in to see you today. I will not say much because you often interrupt me or just do not listen.

I was a bit annoyed that the woman before me obviously stayed longer than 45 minutes. Unless she was late. But still. My session starts at 12:00 and you and that woman came out the door around 12:00 and you walked her out or whatever. And my session stopped at about 12:45. So actually my session today was a little bit shorter than 45 mintes. I agreed to change times with that woman, because 11:00 was easier for her because of her stupid kids or something and I don't have anything on Wednesday. But now I regret that I did it and I hate that woman.
I've never been really angry or something at you, because I never had a reason to be. But I'm a bit mad about this.
Don't let this happen again.

Hey t, wow did I ever figure out something that feels pretty big, looking forward to sharing it with you next week! woo go me I am inclined to say I agree with you on this for the first time ever, I DO do good work, don't I? Well I don't take all the credit for it though. You taught me very well.

I don't actually want to talk to you about this or have the desire to

but

I totally found your house's for sale listing (your husband posted it on fb??) and you live 3 minutes away and I'm SO TEMPTED to go to the open house. My fantasy to get to go into your house. Which even gives me stalker vibes just saying it

But I won't, mostly because I'd be terrified you'd come in and find me staring at your family portraits. And also invasion of privacy I guess.

but omg... please don't be moving out the state or moving your practice location. I like you just where you are! I promise I won't break into your house and raid your pantry!

Dear T, Thanks for being so awesome when I confessed my feelings about you. I hadn't planned on it happening quite that way, but the way you responded really put me at ease and made me feel like things would be OK. Yeah, you were being kind of silly, but that's also part of what I like about you. Wait--no--don't make me like you more!

I wonder how many clients/people you got out of violating my privacy? Was it worth it to you? Would you do it again, even though you destroyed me??

Of course you would because you are the lowest of the low. You're despicable and I will never forget what you did to me.

Dear T,
I hope you are ok.
I think even if you call today, I will not want to do much this next session other than color. I need to figure out to trust you...